Not for under 18s.

There’s nothing to write for it’s all just lies and more lies. I don’t know what’s reality and what’s not.

What’s reality?

Right now I’m sitting on the floor leaning against my bed. I feel the floor. I feel the bed. I feel tears in my eyes. I see the screen. I hear a ticking of a timepiece. I hear some raindrops. I hear the washing machine and the dryer.

I haven’t packed. I’ve been staring at my phone knowing I’m alone and knowing I can’t reach out to anyone for if I do and don’t get a response I’ll completely spiral. My head is tilted to the side. My feet are a bit numb. I’m swallowing.

Not sure what tops to pack. It’s cold weather. I want it to be hot because wanted to wear whatever I wanted without the constraints that living at home, religion and Judaism place on me. I need space to explore, to be. I’m not going to get that space.

Holding a really cute superdry tshirt on my lap. It’s really too cold for it. I’m not sure whether to keep it as it’ll only fit me now whilst I’ve lost weight.

SM was in my house today. She told me I look like I’ve lost weight. Do I? I can’t see it. Some body parts I can feel my bones.

Changing position to be doing a full body squat. Haven’t done that for ages. Or any exercise at all.

I haven’t used enough. And I’ve taken too much.

My head is one of contradictions.

I’m trying to be aware of my body in my room.

I’m tired. I don’t want to say anything I think or feel because it registers to me as lies. And I can’t handle lies or incongruence at the moment. Maybe that’s also a lie… who knows.

Changed body squat position. Not sure which one is better. I still have a stomach. Like, really visible. Weird I guess how I’ve lost weight everywhere but there. It’s not about weight. Weight is just a bonus. Or is it? I rarely look in the mirror. I don’t believe I see in the mirror what others see when they look at me. So why would I look in the mirror? I don’t really ever think anything much of my body either way. I dislike the acne scars. When I look. When I don’t look I don’t see them. People talk about liking or disliking their bodies. My body is just my body. Nothing to like or dislike. Except when I want to destroy it, but then it’s not really my body I’m trying to destroy, but myself.

Why’m I in this space?

Who cares.

It doesn’t really help to write. Especially because I can’t connect to it so it’s not like writing is doing anything or processing anything. It’s just giving me something to do with time. Time that thing I don’t know what to do with. To do with myself. Also that thing I don’t know what to do with.

I guess disconnection is good. I don’t actually care if I’m dead or alive. Rather than wanting to be dead. I chose life. So not like would have done anything either way. That weird thing life.

70 thoughts on “Trigger warning.”

  2. I like how you described your observations. I wonder about this: I need space to explore, to be. I’m not going to get that space.” I’m curious if you could get even a little space to explore, to be….

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    1. I think I’m going to get a tad whilst away but mostly not. And no, I can’t get it. Exploring and being me is quite literally going to destroy others. It’s not a reason not to choose any path I would in life. Just means I can’t do it whilst living at home. And I have to be in a headspace where I will be able to deal with the fallout. I really don’t want to hurt others that way. Really, really don’t want to. That’s also why I want to find a way to get some of that space before having to choose. But can only get that when with no one I know and near no one my family knows and very rarely is that going to happen. I don’t know…. I wrote some of why that is out here. Really I want to have a conversation with my father and record it. Then take it to others and see what they have to say. I don’t know if there’s any way to do what I need to without destroying others.

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  3. I’ll be honest — it’s hard to know what to say to someone who doesn’t “actually care if I’m alive or dead.” I could say I’ll pray for you, but piety doesn’t cut it for me, and not for you either, if I read you right. I could say “Look at the bright side” (whatever that may be), but if you could do that, you wouldn’t need me to tell you. So I’m left with love, wherever you may find it: in loved ones (I hope there is at least one in your life) to be cherished; in some beaten-down part of humanity that needs love and support through a charity whose reason for being you can believe in; and lastly, yourself, whose reason for loving, you can come to believe in.

    I apologize if I sound like a preacher; I’d rather sound like an old geezer (which I am) you can talk with, if only because I’d be happy to lend you an ear.

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    1. You don’t sound like a preacher. I appreciate your honesty and that you took the time to reply.
      I chose life because of love for those I don’t want to hurt through my death.
      I’m trying to create a resource of hope when I’ve the headspace.
      There is no bright side. There’s no purpose I see to living. Just hurting.
      Though I love others. And have heard 2 really good things for 2 friends that I’m really happy for. I know one of them would want me to be here for the ending as I’ve been here for her through it all.
      I don’t see it as a negative that I don’t care if I’m dead. It’s a fact. And a lot of a better fact I guess then if I were wanting or trying to kill myself. I may be living with self destruction now, but I’m also trying to find a way to stop and actually live. Why’m I rambling? Thanks for listening.

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  4. Yes… what is reality…
    But besides the negative thoughts and painful experience, you at least do something useful with the time and write it down. Because you could also just watch time pass by or distract yourself the whole time. And this really wouldn’t help in the long run.

    About “why am I in this space?”, you wrote something about your family in previous posts. So I think it really has a lot to do with this. Usually family is the first source / starting point for such experiences. My own did also break me, besides so many other factors.

    The most important part is, you didn’t want this before you broke. Because as far as I know, no child wants to die, children want to live, explore and enjoy life. And then things happen and children break apart.

    I for example have the problem, that I often want to erase what I write or say (or in general share with others) because I often think that it was wrong in some way. And this year was my breakthrough. But still I often have this thought again and sometimes already started hiding things again or even deleted some things.

    In my case it came from my parents, bullying and a lot of negative situations.
    I mean, my father even cared more about the bully (who started bullying me, after I accidentially injurged him). My father asked over many years how he was (the other one could have gone blind… because I somehow got a stick in his eye… I still don’t know how). Even other parents thought that he was talking with the parents of this guy because of me, only to find out that it was because my father cared about his eye. So yea… I was very “important” for him.

    (And now I don’t know why I wrote all of this. I just wanted to somehow show you that I care. But I guess I failed… sorry.)

    💕

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  5. i don’t know what you’re going through, because i couldn’t read.
    but i hope it gets better. actually, i know it will.
    ❤
    love always,
    [gotw}

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    1. You can always choose for yourself. I trust you. Though I don’t know you enough and really don’t want you getting any ideas…
      It has to get better…. looked up a couple things and going to speak to my dr on Tuesday hopefully.

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      1. ❤
        don't worry, i'm not the kind of person who "gets ideas."
        i haven't "been through" much as such, but by now i know that inflicting pain on myself is pointless because it isn't gonna get me ANY attention or sympathy.
        ❤ ❤ ❤

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  7. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. Have been having a hard time. Are continuing to have a hard time. You probably feel hopeless.

    My teenager has been very depressed and today she said “I can’t get motivated”. And I said you don’t need motivation in life. Motivation is highly overrated. You need to just do the things you have to do in life and as much as possible do it with a smile. Fake it til you make it. Studies prove that smiling when you don’t feel like smiling helps you be happier. It may not be by much but it’s something, which is better than nothing.

    Focus on breathing and letting all these emotions come and more importantly letting them go. You are not all those feelings. Feelings are fleeting.

    But your body is your tangible housing for your spirit so in this reality it is part of you. Maybe if you try focusing on the things you like, use and enjoy doing with your body your focus will shift. Stay positive as much as possible and if you can’t find it…..keep looking.

    Your sister is always watching you and supporting you too. Don’t forget you are not alone. Do you try talking to her? Do you try talking to angels, to God?

    You have to find a way, your own way to make it through this thing. You won’t come out alive but hopefully you’ll find it worthwhile. Maybe not right now. Maybe not today. But let’s hope you’ll find your path to your inner happiness soon.

    Big hug❣️

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    1. Thank you… I really appreciate you reading and sharing your thoughts.
      Trying to do some good things. Away at the moment. Still feeling ugh and nauseous and need to use. But I ate a croissant…. even though so nauseous now….
      I hope so….
      Thank you….

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      1. Remember you are loved. So deeply loved the conscious mind can’t even fathom it. Sometimes I lay in bed and just try to open that bridge between Divinity and myself and feel the infinite love available. This takes a lot of practice, and meditation and prayer help me greatly. Don’t be hard on yourself. You’re doing great, given all the circumstances. Your life hasn’t been easy. So have grace and compassion for yourself Eliza. You have such a beautiful, kind spirit. You are needed in this world, even if you can’t see it. The world needs the soft beauty of your soul here. You’ll figure this out. Have faith in yourself.❣️🥰🤗

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          1. Well now you’re being silly. No one will ever “know”. That’s trying to figure it out mentally. Which I believe is almost if not completely impossible. Lol. It’s something you have to learn to feel, to sense, to know without knowing.

            Sorry. Maybe I’m not he best person to explain this and I’m sounding like the silly one here but.

            The love of God/Divinity, whatever you want to call it. That pure energy, is readily available to us all, we just have to open up to it. Relearn, this is something we all came in to the world feeling and knowing and lost along the way trying to figure out This tangible reality.

            One will NEVER comprehend it with the mind because it is so beyond anything we can grasp or fully understand. We can try, which is what quantum physics tries to do, but we will never fully get there. And I absolutely wouldn’t want them to. Humans are idiots. We are not capable of handling such power. But don’t get me started on super conducters and human weaponry like nuclear/biological warfare now. Ugghh. Sorry. Sharp turn. (I’m a wee bit stoned).

            So…..yea. Stop trying to conceptualize it. Instead just work on the feeling. The soft embrace of your mom. The way your husband will look at you the day you get married. The sweet smile of a baby. The way it felt when your first love held your hand.

            Embrace that feeling and then amplify it. Feel where it is in your body. And meditate to try to grow that feeling out, over your body, and eventually we all (I think) need to work on pushing it out to everything, everyone. That’s what I like about Pranic Healing. They do a lot of meditations for the world and somehow helping others helps oneself. It’s why I used to love volunteer work so much. Maybe I should look into that. Gee Eliza. I’m sorry. Blathering on your blog. Lol

            Big hug. Love you❣️ (or I’m sending you love, which in my mind means kind of the same thing)

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            1. I appreciate it. I understood what you meant. You’re actually talking my language. Just. Just. Just…. I don’t even know how to put the disconnect into words. I can’t find that way back to connection. And even though I know it’s there it seems so far away as to be inaccessible.
              You should. Look into volunteer work again. I haven’t been keeping up with how you’re doing recently (well, yeah. Been living with destruction the past few months). I hope it’s all working out for you. How is it? With the house? Money? Jobs….
              I’m scared of going to sleep and need to sleep.

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              1. Scared of going to sleep and need to sleep. That sounds like hell. I’m sorry.
                I’m going to be blunt with you Eliza.

                You need to learn to stop freaking yourself out. You need to learn to self soothe yourself. You need to learn to be your own best friend and nurture yourself. Maybe you didn’t have this exposure or maybe the feeling of safety was taken away from you but you need to learn to feel safe with yourself.

                You are unto yourself. Take control. I know it probably sound and feels daunting but just start somewhere, anywhere and build on that. You will absolutely falter but keep going forward and get help where you can. Look for it. There are people and organizations that can help. A community of people that will help you with people that understand exactly what you’re going through and have walked through that same fire.

                I can only guess and hope what I’m saying reaches you. Be kind to yourself. You are in a bad part. This is the part in the movie people have a shard time stomach to watch. K? But have hope that good times will come again and just put one foot in front of the other and do the things you need to do to get to a better place. One thing at a time. Breath. Have faith in yourself. Fake it if you have to at first. Just do it. Trust you’ll be ok. Keep trying to find that light of love inside. Be still and know God. Sometimes that means make your mind still inside much more than it means outside.

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                1. Yeah. Makes me shake and wish I could cry.
                  When I can write to myself I sorta self soothe. I’ve taught myself to do it before the edge. Not once I’ve crossed the line.
                  I wish I knew how to find those people. I feel like I’m there for everyone and no one is there for me.
                  I’m holding onto remembering the connection to infinity.

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                  1. I know the feeling.

                    For me personally it’s that I open up to the wrong people. I haven’t learned to love myself enough to pick healthy people to love. Sad truth. I gravitate towards truly broken people. But that’s me. Doesn’t mean it’s you.

                    You need to figure out you so you can mitigate your own destructive behaviours. I’m still learning to do this for myself at 47. I haven’t found the magic bullet or potion. I struggle a lot sometimes.

                    But I meditate and pray and try to connect to the Divine energy of love and God as much as I can. Which lately feels like constantly. Lol. So be it. I’ll take all the tools I can get. This life is no joke. No one comes out unscathed. Just do your best. That’s all anyone can ask of you and you can ask of yourself. But….

                    Be prepared to surprise yourself. Keep an open mind about yourself. You are not your failures.

                    Repeat

                    You are not your failures.

                    I should write that down for myself.

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                    1. I hope you left him in the end….

                      All the people I’m there for seem to be able to be there for others. Not true, there are a couple people who care. They just don’t have time.

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                    2. I find it’s not that the people I do love and care for don’t have time it’s that I am always caught up in some tragedy and that gets hard for people to handle on an emotional level. But I sometimes do inadvertently cause my own drama.

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                    1. I rarely write so much to people…..
                      Not sure why I’m trusting you lol.
                      I really want to stop destroying myself.

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                    4. Go offline 🙂
                      I’m going to try to sleep. Um pretend to.
                      Thank you…..
                      Ps. I only like honesty. Anything else is incongruent to me. Doesn’t mean I’ll listen lol.
                      Thanks for your company….

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                    5. Incongruent indeed. It’s the only problem I find to being extremely psychic or in tune. You can sense falsity a million miles away and I have a hard time taking it. And no one likes to be called on their bullshit. Especially when they believe it. I get it. Happens to us all. The joys of being human. Complex and yet divinely simple.

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                    6. I actually like to be. Maybe I’m weird. When they’re right I appreciate it. Doesn’t mean I listen. Though, eventually I hear it. Your email didn’t come through? Not to spam either. Hope you’re relaxing. I’m definitely not freaking so much anymore.

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              2. This is going to sound crazy and I don’t know if you can afford it but try a back to back colonic or have a series of coffee enemas and add probiotics. This will get help some toxins out if your system and up your good bacteria in your gut which will help and boot your mental stamina.

                I know it sounds wierd. But trust me on this. If you’re capable of doing it it should really help. I can give you the correct instructions or you can Google. Happy to provide with it.

                There was a traveling guy I knew who traveled the US giving people enemas. It sounded crazy to me at the time when I first started talking to him and now I almost wish I had that job. Lol

                I honestly don’t see how he got paid. Enema kit, distilled water, supplements/probiotics/natural antibiotics and so much more. Maybe he was doing fecal matter enemas. Now that’s would be lucrative.but I’m not sure the legality and responsibilities of that. I’d be scared to take on that risk and would probably only do it if it was life and death quality of life issues.

                Sorry. I’m putting the phone down for the day…..she says and doesn’t believe it for a minute (and yes talks to herself like this in third person; doesn’t everyone? Lol)

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                1. I talk to myself in third person. If you can do it without any tools at all – as in I’m in a hotel room with nothing much here and it’s nearly 2 am – why not? If you can my email is elizareasonstolive at gmail.com (nope. Details are not going on here….).

                  Lol. I’m this tired/freaking out that I’d attempt something that the thought of freaks me out. But anything is possible, no?

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  8. A warm hug, to remind you that you are loved! Through dark and bitter, through every hardship…even when you can’t love yourself, you are still loved. And your smile, the one that brightens lives and paths, matters more than you know…♥️♥️♥️

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    1. Thanks for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it ….
      You know what’s funny, I can’t actually see any sadness or pain in what I wrote. Just, nothing much at all.

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      1. I’m here for you…seeing beyond pain, there’s light in your inner beauty. You’re in my heart and in my thoughts. 💕

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      1. That’s okay. Sometimes it’s just time to hear people rather than speak. Other times you speak and it’s very wise! I guess we all take turns 😉

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  11. Please don’t feel alone! There are people here on WordPress who care about you. We care that you’re alive. You matter to us. I’m still really grateful for the stuff you emailed me on Friday, I have the one about “It is NOT you’re fault” stuck to my wardrobe door so I see it. Please remember it’s not your fault either.

    I’m sorry you can’t explore the way you want to live your life at the moment. It must be hard living with parents who are so strict.

    Please try to stay safe, and remember people here care about you and that nothing is your fault.

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  12. I sense so much emotion here, and a lot of self-control trying to hold it all together. Sometimes that’s all it is, just trying to keep everything in one place instead of spilling out. I’m glad you chose writing to pass the time instead of other more destructive choices. Thinking of you, you are deeply cared for. x

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  17. People care about you, and that has much to do with your putting yourself out there. When you share your struggle, others (some who relate and some don’t) learn. They learn how life is not all it’s cracked up to be, for some people. And, they hopefully learn compassion and how to relate to people who are suffering. Be good to yourself with one small thing daily and add on that as you are able. I’ll do that if you do, and I’ll be thinking of you whether you can do that or not. Love and blessings…

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