#WATWB Good People Doing Good Things — In Times Of Trouble

This post is absolutely awesome…. if you want to know what kindness is, and how one person can make a difference – no matter the age.

This week’s ‘good people’ post is just a bit late, but hopefully worth the wait. The trash man watcheth … We don’t give much thought to our trash collectors, or binmen … they come once or twice a week, pick up the trash, and that’s that.  They likely don’t give much thought to us, either.  […]

Good People Doing Good Things — In Times Of Trouble

I’m sharing this post for my WATWB post – we are the world bloggers, spreading light in a world of darkness. Watwb posts are shared the last Friday of the month. I’m sharing it in advance because Friday is Shavuot for me.

What kindness can you do? How can you spread love and light?

Love, light, and glitter

My Cronavirus experience/thoughts

I just read an article on Aish.com that explains why positive and inspirational messages can be detrimental to some people. I loved it… you can read it here.

It made me think of my experience. How I’m doing more things than I was and how this time is so good for me in so many ways.

I put the article first because I don’t want anyone to think that because it’s good for me it has to be good for them…

There’s a few points. One great point was made my S to me recently. She asked me how I was handling it. She said Covid 19 has tipped the world upside down. There are people whose lives were always organised and ordered. They felt like they were in control. Now they are faced with their frailty. They’re faced with instability and a lack of control. However, there are people whose lives are a mess anyways. Who never felt safe within themselves or the world. Their internal world is always upside down. The world turning on its’ hinges might make it even worse – as it has for so many people- and it might not.

There is more calm and stability in my life because of Covid 19, not less. I’ve not been working which means I have so much more time. The time is good for me because it gives me space. I never realised how much pressure I found work to be, but I did. There’s the need to constantly be on the ball, constantly be present, constantly work to help the children. Anything less would be shortchanging the children I work with. I didn’t find the morning such a pressure as so many of my lessons were free lessons. Now that I’m not working I don’t have that pressure.

There was also the pressure, more the anxiety and intensity, of bring around people for so many hours a day. I’m an introvert both by nature and even more so by nurture. I’m awkward around people. Even if they don’t see it. I’m not a part of groups and don’t know how to be a part. It’s not that I always want to, I don’t, I just want the option to be. Now that I’m not at work I don’t ever walk into a staffroom full of people who are all groups that I’m not a part of. I don’t have the constant intensity of being around others.

All the time means I’m blogging more – neither good nor bad. Means I’m online a lot more, not necessarily good, but neither bad. I wish I’d be able to get myself to study more but I’m just not, and that’s okay.

I’m running, couch to 5k, which is amazing for me. I’m so glad I am.

Just been busy. Doing nothing much. I’ve been scrapbooking the last couple of days – something that was left to me, which was good, just crazy busy! But busy with good things.

S said another interesting point, that the energy of the world was unsettlement and pain. She seemed to think it made sense I’d stopped eating. It’s actually good for me in a sense. However unhealthy a coping mechanism it may be it’s giving me the ability to handle the world.

People are stressed around me. I don’t think it’s anything to do with the virus, just their personal life circumstances. Although for some the virus definitely is exacerbating what is going on. I’m trying to keep my emotional boundaries.

For the most part I’m loving the lockdown and the time it has given to me. I hope and pray I don’t start school anytime soon although it seems like the government are set to start on the 1st. I hope my school don’t. I honestly can’t face it….. and if I go into school for the afternoon I’ll be wanted in the morning too. I’m not working in the morning although some people are. All I can do is hope and pray that I don’t have to go back anytime soon and love this whilst it lasts (with shavuot this weekend I anyways don’t have school for the next week. If not for the virus I’d probably be away with my family). It’s the time I love. The time, space, and no pressure….

I hope you are all doing okay and looking after yourself in the best way possible…

How has the lockdown – the time it brings, not the rest of the lockdown – affected you? Do you appreciate not having to see others or do you miss people? Do you have more or less time/headspace?

You are awesome and enough.

Love, light, and glitter

How do you identify yourself?

Just a thought. Trying to clarify this in my mind.

There’s a lot of darkness. There’s a lot of negativity. Some of the choices I’m making really are not the best. However, and this is a big point, I get to choose what I identify with. How I identify myself. What choices define me and what don’t.

A few years ago R’ R said to me along the lines of that it’s up to me to choose which part I identified with. It was re religion but the point is the same. I’ve always remembered it and it’s made a big difference to my life.

What do I choose to identify with?

So, I’m not eating enough at all. It’s a big part of my life today. Just a fact. True. In a big sense it’s an act of self care. There’s self sabotage involved too, but, primarily, I’m looking after myself in the best way I can. Since I cut down a couple weeks ago my mind is much quieter. Until then I’d been thinking a lot about various things I had to emotionally let go off. Re Judaism and the past. Let go so that I can choose what I want my life to be. I still have to let go, but it’s not on my mind. My friends are all really struggling with different things. It’s not so hard for me to handle.

So I’m not eating enough. The only scary part is how it makes self harm (which would automatically mean taking cocodamol) much more of an option.

On the other hand is the rest of my life.

I’ve started running and I’ve kept up with it. Much to my surprise. I think a lot about the idea of motivation. That motivation isn’t the feeling, but actually doing. Motivation is the actions and the feelings come along. I’m not motivated in some sense but I’ve kept at it and I’m so proud of myself for how far I’ve gotten, and mainly for keeping at it even when I feel like I’m literally dragging myself out.

I’ve been making my bed each morning. It might be considered minor to some people but to me it’s really major.

I’ve been aiming to write gratitudes every day. So it’s not every day. And it’s not the 50 new ones a day R and I originally set out to do. I’m still passed 900!!!

I’ve been spending time with my family and loving spending time with them. I’ve gotten to spend time with some truly special people who may be leaving soon and I’ll miss them so much.

I’ve finally realised how much I love taking pictures. I love photography. Specifically nature photography. I don’t think I care so much for pictures per se. I’ve hundreds of photos of leaves, grass, trees, sky, colours, water, birds etc. on my phone. I think I like taking pictures of birds and ducks and some animals.

I’ve been colouring and listening to Louise Hay a lot. I like her thoughts. That our thoughts define us. One thing I noticed myself doing a while ago and I’m trying to keep with it is not to say I hate myself or the like. Rather to name what bothers me and change it from defining me. It doesn’t define me. Nothing I think or do has to define me. I define myself.

I’ve been speaking to a family member who is manipulative, especially with me, a few times. It wasn’t all okay. It was better than it has been. I kept my boundaries more.

I’ve kept my boundaries with someone in my life who is struggling a lot. I didn’t take on responsibility that isn’t mine. I didn’t help, which is one of the hardest and most guilt inducing things I’ve ever done. I’ve been there for her. I’ve gone out with her. I’ve helped her in other ways. But never in a way I was worried about. Never in a way that could possibly be taking on responsibility that isn’t mine. It’s been tough. It’s been really hard to hold her pain, be there for her, care, and not let it impact me. It definitely has impacted me. But for the most part I’ve been okay with it. For the most part when I think I’m guilty for what I haven’t and am not doing (No advice. Ever.) I correct myself. It’s hard to believe I come first. I don’t believe it. I know I don’t come first. Yet I’m putting myself first.

My friends are all struggling with different things. I’ve been there and stepped back. I’ve engaged and disengaged.

I’ve written letters to friends and people so they should know that they are thought of.

What do I identify with???

I get to choose.

Until I wrote this I didn’t realise just how much is so amazing. I’ve also refused to pass opinions with some unhealthy family relationship dynamics. I used to try and speak to the people involved. Help them see what they can do differently. Used to sounds like the past. I mean just a month or two ago. But for the most part I’ve stopped. I’m trying really hard not to suggest anything. Anything at all. Yes, my advice has helped them. But it’s not my place nor my responsibility. And when any of the people speak to me – which for some is, now that I’m thinking about it, completely inappropriate (they should never ask my advice for some of these situations, asking me is crossing boundaries and inappropriate) I try to just listen. Even when they ask for my thoughts and advice. Just to not pass any. It’s not my place and the dynamics are unhealthy enough. I can’t change them. My advice wouldn’t change the dynamics. What I’ve learned most from this during the past few months of extended family time is that everyone is right. And there are shades of grey. I used to think there was a good person and a bad person. I’m seeing it’s a dance of good behaviours and bad behaviours. And they are all a mixture of healthy and unhealthy. The people I thought unhealthy are surprisingly healthy, just dealing with their pain in the best way they can. The one I thought healthiest is actually not. Hurts to see that about someone I idealise.

So there’s all the good going on. Way more than I realise or give myself credit for. Yes there’s the negative too. I’m not taking care of myself in some ways that I’m way too embarrassed to even write down. I’m not eating enough (which is an act of self care too). I’ve thought way too much about burning myself.

Life is always a mixture.

Last week I was wondering whether I wanted therapy. Because I was offered it. I know now that I don’t. Therapy, at least in the typical way, will make my life worse. A large part of why I’ve been thinking about burning was speaking to this woman. There’s something I really believe in. Embracing what the universe sends to me. The universe sent me an assessment (still continuing) to a referral I requested 1.5 years ago. This woman seems to think I should go for what I asked. Which will probably be a years wait. If she requests it, she does. She’ll probably decide next week. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t. Will I want it? I don’t know. That is something I can see and decide then.

There really and truly is so much good in my world.

What am I choosing to identify with?

I can identify with the freaking out. Or with the 1.5 hour drive that I discovered some cool roads on that I drove until I was okay. I can identify with the thoughts of ‘I may as well just burn coz it’s so easy and I want to.’ I can identify with the choice not to. I can identify with purging and not eating. Or I can identify with choosing to try eat enough not to get dizzy.

I can identify with the boundaries I don’t keep and the guilt I feel whenever I keep a boundary. Or I can identify with the knowledge and ability to keep boundaries. With the awareness I’m allowed to. With the knowledge that people who guilt trip me are wrong, and the pride and the achievement of keeping and doing what is best for me no matter how hard it is for me.

I can identify with all I don’t know. I don’t know what I want for my life or how to get there. I don’t understand or recognise feelings or emotions with myself. I can identify with what I do know. I know my field of interest. I recognise some body sensations. I can identify with how often I disconnect from myself. Constantly :). I can identify with being present in a world, something I’m always grateful for because I love it.

I can identify with what I don’t know what I think or want regard

I can identify with how hard it is to do things I care about and want to do but just don’t do them because I don’t know why but it just doesn’t happen and I really wish it would (see, no I hate that I’m not. No I’m guilty. No I’m stupid or bad. Just, I really wish I’d be doing what means a lot to me). Or I can identify with what I AM keeping to. What I AM doing and succeeding in doing.

I can identify with the good or the bad. With the present or the lack. With the positive choices or the negative. With the pride or the guilt.

What do I identify myself with?

I get to choose. I choose the good things.

What do you identify with?

This was not what I expected. I didn’t expect to ramble so much. If you read through this all, thank you…

Love, light, and glitter

I’m grateful to R’ R for the comment he said at least 5 years ago which I’m site he doesn’t recall, which has really impacted my life (effect vs affect = impact).

F:AK (reblog) Doing It For the Goosebumps

I absolutely loved this post. I hope you do, too.
Friday, acts of kindness. One person can make a big difference….

Meditations in Motion

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”– Dale Carnegie

Meditations in Motion

I live in a farming community.

Southeastern Pennsylvania is a land of gently rolling green hills planted in corn, soy, barley, and yes, still some tobacco. “Bucolic” is a good word to describe the countryside.

Farms around here are mostly family-owned and postage-stamp-sized, unlike the behemoth wheat farms of the Midwest.

Dairy farms are the most common but orchards, hog farms, goat farms, and truck farms (farms that raise produce for sale at the market) also dot the land. And egg farms.

In the county just to our north, an egg farmer, Josh Zimmerman, used to sell his eggs in bulk to school cafeterias, cruise ships, restaurants, and hotels. In fact, Zimmerman had an 80,000-hen cage-free…

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Wordless Wednesday

If I wasn’t running I’d have gotten more pictures. I’ve kinda stopped posting pictures here because once I’ve posted it here I won’t post them elsewhere. Just for today… (I’m posting this for Linda inspired me to as I’m liking her WordlessWednesday posts)

2 geese next to each other, their necks crossed over each other - fighting
Their necks are crossed over each other
2 geese, buting each other
2 geese. Looking away from each other. Ignoring.

How do you communicate?

On a forum someone was discussing communication. Whether you listen or offer advice. Whether you explode or stay calm. How about when someone is upset with you? What is your communication style? Communication.

Not completely related there is an article on building friendships that skinnyhobit shared that is really amazing. If you struggle with friendships at all, or want to teach relationships you can read it here – building relationships using peer-a-mids. I’ve been wanting to share it for a while because it is that good.

Communication. I think I’m pretty good at listening to others. I don’t know how to reflect back to others what they say – that supposedly you’re meant to in order for them to feel heard (empathetic listening), because I listen, and I’m there. I find such words unnecessary. The only time I use it is if I want to make sure I understand what is being said.

I can listen if it’s about me, depending on how it’s presented. If someone attacks me I’ll be on defense and probably won’t hear what they have to say. If they’re talking reasonably I think I can stay reasonable back. And I can hear what is said. I’m also able to sometimes express what I feel differently or am upset by calmly. Sometimes. In the past I wouldn’t have said anything.

I don’t like falsity. I can’t usually tell if someone is kidding. I just assume that whatever they say is the truth. (Like I was at a wedding and my family were saying how at weddings everyone says you look really good and it doesn’t mean they really think that. I was so disappointed. Until that moment I thought that everyone thought I looked good…. I mean, I got a lot of compliments so it must have been the reality… they dispelled that notion. I would never go up to someone and say they look good if I didn’t honestly think so….)

There’s communication and communication. I struggle a bit, or a lot, with communication because of all that’s in my head. So I say a few words and to me it’s so obvious what it means. I think the few words that I have said have expressed the idea. I think the few words make all that I am thinking evident.

People trying to understand me have to be really clear about what they don’t understand because else they ask the same questions again and again and I’m repeating the same thing again and again both getting frustrated. If someone asks me why do you think the world is round, and I answer, if they ask the same question they will get the same answer. If they don’t say what they really mean I can’t respond to it.

I tend to also say things in my head and think I’ve actually said it in real life, which can lead to some entertainment or not such funny scenarios too. Mostly just funny. I can continue conversations based on what I’ve said, or add addendum. Until they or I realise that I didn’t actually say the first part. Just thought it.

What is your communication style? Do you think you’ve said things that are really still unsaid? If you relate or feel differently at all I’d love to hear your experiences and thoughts.

Love, light, and glitter

Blog awards 2

As I said previously, I don’t usually do awards, but I’d like to highlight the bloggers who nominated me :).

Thank you Aathmana. Aathmana titles her blog Read. Love. Live. As her title says she loves reading, and writing. She started her blog during lockdown and definitely uses the time well.

Thank you Eilidh Horder. This is from a REALLY long time ago, but I want to highlight her blog :). She spreads calm and sunshine and has some interesting thoughts. I’m looking forward to her future posts.

Thank you Fit recovery. Jim writes about biking. He cycles a lot, like a really lot, and any question you have about bikes, saddles and trails just ask him :). He writes about his recovery journey and shares insight, understanding, and hope that it is possible. That you, too, can do it and be happy.

Thank you Mentally ill in America. He blogs about his mental health journey and offers comprehensive advice/explanation to people struggling. He started blogging 3 months ago and has come along amazingly in those 3 months. Go support him!

Thank you Mental Health 360⁰. Caz blogs about mental health. The 360 degrees reflects that it is from all angles and aspects. She covers anything and everything in her blog….


Blog awards in my view serve 2 purposes. One is to help bloggers who need support along. The other, the one I like better, is to show someone they’re appreciated. That you like their blog. For that I’d like to create the I love your blog award in response to these awards and I’d love your thoughts.

The I love your blog award (I was thinking about this one night when I couldn’t sleep) means you comment on any blogs you love (aim for 15 – 20 but 1 is perfect too). That you love their blog and give 3 sentences why – or more, you can write an epistle if you want. You would not need to say it’s an award and they won’t need to do anything with it. If you want you could write a new comment telling them to pass it on. To comment on preferably newer bloggers, or bloggers with little engagement posts and let them you love their blog and why. Anyone, everyone, no matter how long they’ve been blogging, or if they’ve been blogging for 20 years, loves appreciation. Before I write a post on this I’d love your thoughts….

Love, light and glitter

Remember, you are beautiful. You are worth it. You are enough.

58720 – Do I want therapy?

So, I spoke this woman. She seemed nice. For a referral from a year or so ago. I don’t know if I want therapy. I don’t know what I want. I know that I should be open to the messages the universe sends to me. It, and the next couple appointments are just assessing to see whether this service can offer me what I want. If they can’t it’ll be another waiting list, which I don’t know if I can be bothered for.

What do I want?

My pretty immediate goals – not specifically for therapy, but for myself in life – are: to know what I feel when I feel it and have the ability to handle it – the mind/body connection. I’m present in the world. I never used to be. It’s something I’m so grateful for. To be present. I’m constantly grateful that I’m no longer doubting my own existence or wondering if I’m living in a dream. I doubt myself. I doubt my thoughts. I doubt what I say. Because I don’t feel it, it’s fleeting. It can change. If I start shaking I can just stop. If I’m freaking out I can cut off. Or, I do. I cut off and tune out and it’s never a choice. But it’s not tuning out of the world. It’s tuning out from myself. So that’s one thing I want from therapy. The mind/body connection.

I doubt my boundaries. I think I have boundaries but I doubt it constantly. I wish there were some way of just knowing. And I want to be able to keep my own boundaries with someone specific in my life. I find it really hard to let go of responsibility that isn’t mine. I’m doing it. I’m letting go. It takes a lot of processing until I get to that place of knowing that ‘This is not my responsibility. This is not mine to carry. It hurts to see. It hurts to do nothing. There is nothing I can do but be there.’ Which I am. I’m there. It’s easier to be there for others than yourself.

I’d love to know what I want from life and where I’m heading. I feel like I should at this age know what I want, and should know where I’m heading, like I should have some even if very vague plan. I don’t follow through. Don’t have stickivitus. Motivation is doing something even if you don’t want to. I just need to do anyways. Very easy to say, much harder to actually do. Hey, I’m doing that with running, even when it’s really tough. Which means I should get up.

Something to think about for next week is whether I want therapy, and if I do what kinda therapy I want.