Today was a calmer day. Used less cocodamol. Swept a bit the mess I made last night with what I did. Ate too much (for what I feel I should eat. Honestly I’m also grateful I ate more than I wanted to). Not sure how come I’ve used less but I did. Tried to get through to my GP but didn’t manage to – he wasn’t in. I told the secretary I think it’s negligent of him. She didn’t disagree with me (she was drained by my persistence, I think I drove her a bit mad, and there wasn’t anything she could even do but I’m glad she understood me at the end and agreed with me). Even though it’s nearly 3am and I should be sleeping. I’m grateful I didn’t freak out at all today. I’m grateful for all of you who’ve been here – I didn’t expect it and really appreciate it. I’m grateful for E’s email today checking up on me. I hadn’t even told her about last night- she can’t handle me telling her what I’m doing to myself and knowing there is nothing she can do. Grateful for TCs minute phone call to say hi. Tried to find people in ACA who have real recovery, not just newcomers. Going to look on instagram tomorrow. Hoping it’s not as hot. Heat exacerbates dizziness. As does not enough food. I rather not be dizzy. Looking forward to course starting Thursday. Theoretically it’s tomorrow.
Today had responsibility given to me, that I felt I had to take, that wasn’t mine. Is in no way mine. Took 3 hours of my time. It’s a perfect example to bring to someone and ask them what exactly my responsibility is. There are 2 people I would ask to discuss it with. Really I’d ask them if they knew who I could and hope they’d say themselves. But both of them are people I need advice from about my life. Who after I speak to my GP – is that ever going to happen – I want to run what he says by them and ask them for their advice. So I don’t want to use them now as I won’t be able to then. Actually that is even factual not just about me thinking I’m using them.
Love, light and glitter
I can’t figure out what I need to do to get to another side. Self harming in a way I’ve never thought of. Hood thing is I don’t think it will leave any scars and scars are finally beginning to heal. Listening to ACA, trying to really join it. Starting a mindfulness course on Thursday. I sorta know it won’t just change. Don’t know if I’m doing enough. Don’t know what to do different or more, and to be honest I don’t have the energy to figure it out. The irony is that I’m trying to set up some sort of resource at the same tone. Most the people who were really here for me, I feel like I’ve used them up and can’t keep turning to them. It isn’t fair to and feels like I’m too much. Hello whatever im doing. Which I paused to write this. I don’t really want it. I don’t really have the energy or headspace to figure out where or how to go from here.
Have you ever wanted to see a dog and butterflies play together? Milo is friends with the Monarch butterflies, as you can read about on bored panda.
Or you can watch Milo with the monarchs on Instagram.
I’d love you to share or link your sunshine and sparkle posts…
Love, light and glitter
If you want the passwords email me.
It’s okay to be tired
It’s okay to be wired
It’s okay for it to hurt
It’s okay to want to give up
It’s okay to disassociate
It’s okay for it to be too much
It’s okay to be you
It’s okay to be real
It’s okay to do
It’s okay if others
It’s okay if you never do
All that you have planned
It’s okay if all you do
Is get up today
It’s okay if every moment feels
As though you’re going astray
Your reality is yours
No one else can change it
It’s okay – all of it
Embrace it, live with it
The only way to move past anything
Is to move into it
Accept it and yourself then maybe
You can move past it
Whatever your reality is or isn’t
Know for today
That it, and you, always are
Always will be, okay.
I’m reposting it because people seemed to like it and now it’ll be on my blog. I found it a lil strange how many people told me they appreciated it, because I was talking to myself. I was writing to myself. When I shared it I didn’t expect all the feedback and appreciation. I didn’t expect so many of you to tell me you appreciated the reminder of found it helpful. Thank you. Thank you for appreciating it. Thank you for telling me so…
Love, light, and glitter