We must always remember that: –Grapes must be crushed at all times to make wine. –Diamonds form under pressure. –Olives are pressed to release oil. –Seeds grow in darkness and germinate in soft soil. –Hatred breeds out of anger. –A child is born after nine months. –Copper and Iron are melted at very high temperature. […]
Trust in the Process……….
F:AK – acts of kindness pictures on bored panda
For today’s acts of kindness post, head over to bored panda where you can see it all….
Writing 2
Guilt
Let’s start with the nausea
So so nauseous
Don’t know how to ease it
And I haven’t even really used
I want to destroy myself
People are too nice
I brought myself here
I don’t deserve it
I can’t handle okayness
I need to use
I need to mess up
I can’t do anything that may help me
I don’t want to be okay
Trying to put down
Some of the thoughts.
Alone
So very alone.
I’m really and truly not
I’m less alone than I ever have been
Even R’R is here, would be
It’s weird that he is
I guess this is the first time I’ve really reached out
He just replied that I shouldn’t do anything I may regret
That I won’t be in this space
Permanently
Yet I feel so very alone.
M has been more than amazing
As has S
And all the people on here
I know I don’t deserve it
I really appreciate it
Yet I feel so alone
It helps only for that moment
I don’t think I usually feel so alone
(In a sense it’s as though they all hold a light
Show me there’s something beyond here
Where there is destruction
And destruction alone).
Still nauseous
Did something about it so not as
At least it wasn’t bile
S said it’s not my fault
I know that it is though
I know it’s my responsibility
I know my choices are mine to own
I know I’m planning on building my tolerance level
So I don’t get so sick
I’m wondering if R’R means I should burn myself more
Rather than use
S told me to take a herbal capsule.
I can’t.
For it might help
I will take it
But I can’t.
I spoke to this NHS therapist today
Was a waste of time
I gave her honesty
Which I regret
For the chaos and waste of time
My GP called
That, she did good.
Calling him I mean.
Phone connection was really bad so didn’t ask exactly what she said.
He said she was worried about food intake too.
I’ve eaten less before.
I’ve used more before
He wasn’t worried then
So why now?
Still so nauseous…..
S says it’s not my fault
I know that my choices led me here
I don’t really know that
I don’t know what I know
I know
I know that every day is a new day
I know
I know that I get to choose to stay
I know
I know that staying (living) is a choice
I know
I know I get to use my voice
I know
I know I can’t be bothered to rhyme
It’s like this is everything
And nothing else exists
Which isn’t the reality
I taught today
The lesson was really good.
Student is adorable.
Spoke to R yesterday
Hello R, E loves you
Over and over
She is a slice of heaven on earth, too.
Yet this is still everything
May go out tomorrow evening
Though I don’t have the headspace at all
I know it will be good for me
Just as it’ll be good to go away overnight Sunday
Not the people I’ll be with
But it’ll be good
It’s all eclipsed
This is still everything
Destruction I mean. Can’t think of a different word
And that’s okay too
For it just is
For it just is
Same as I just am
Same as I just am.
Cimorelli – one more night
Listening to this song on repeat
So nauseous. Trying to drink enough. Less nauseous than yesterday morning – or so I’m hoping. I’m hoping the nausea abates earlier than it did yesterday.
I really appreciate all your support. And those of you who believe in me, and believe me, when I don’t myself.
Love, light and glitter
Writing.
Destruction
Absolution
It’s what I want
Disappear
There is no way
I want to
Get rid of myself
And I can’t
However hard I try
I walked a path
A path of okayness
Moving
So so slowly
Towards my goals
But I don’t deserve to be okay (italised so I can see this)
So I burned myself
A little more than a week ago
Knowing that the need for destruction
Wasn’t a current need
But tied in from the past
I had to do something
Because I’d realised, said, that I was
Moving forwards.
I’m not allowed to move forwards
It was meant to be a one off
It was a one off
Until last night came along
Or this morning
Since it was after midnight
I burned myself
Somehow I’ve no blisters
Which means I didn’t actually burn myself
Anything I can’t really see
Doesn’t count
And took cocodamol. Hmm. Only 9.
I didn’t want to walk onto this path.
I knew I didn’t.
I chose it anyways.
I chose it anyways.
Because I don’t deserve anything more
I chose it because I don’t know why
Maybe coz I know it
Maybe because I was anyways on it since last Thursday whilst I’ve been wrecking the blister, one of them.
Now that I’m on this path
I’m already here
There’s no point choosing anything different.
There’s no point in trying.
There’s no point in me caring.
There’s no point in anything.
Now that I’m here, I’m here.
I can’t actually see the path I was on
A mere couple weeks ago
It seems like that path, of growth, creation and learning
Is on a different mountain
I can’t see how to get there
I don’t know if I want to get there
For I know that I’ll just come back here
It seems as though
However many hours or days I may spend
In finding that path
I’ll just come back here
For I don’t deserve to be okay
I liked that path.
I liked just being okay.
I liked seeing all I was learning.
I liked seeing changes.
I liked letting go of responsibility.
I liked being able to say no.
I liked believing I was allowed to say no.
I liked letting go of guilt.
I liked knowing where I wanted to get to.
I liked that path.
Yet here I am.
I don’t really know how I got here.
I never planned on it.
I planned on staying okay.
I planned on practicing noticing my body.
I planned on learning what I feel.
I planned on exercising more.
I planned on learning who I am.
I planned on defining what I’m responsible for.
I planned on planning next year.
I planned on learning. About myself and others.
I planned on choosing.
I don’t know why I planned.
For it was a waste of time.
I’m not there.
I’m here.
I don’t know what this here looks like.
This here
It looks pointless.
It looks meaningless.
It looks empty.
It looks like a path leading to destruction and absolution
Both of which seem like better places than here.
The destination of destruction and absolution is better than the path of nothingness.
And I know, I know,
I know I chose this.
I don’t know how, but I did.
I don’t know when I should have chosen differently.
I don’t know what I could have done to stop jumping onto this path.
But I chose it.
I chose to come here.
I don’t see any other pathways leading off here.
Even if I did, which I don’t,
I don’t know if I’d walk it
I know that I’ll just come here again
That the time and energy spent getting to the path I was on
Will have been wasted
Will just hurt
If I stay here I can’t be hurt by coming back here, for I was here all along.
Protected: Journaling 103
A little birdie told me you have books here. #WATWB
Wordless Wednesday – allow your photo(s) to tell the story.
A little birdie told me you have books here. #Wordless Wednesday #I see a birdie book, but it’s about lovebirds.
Linda shared this post (and the following links!) and I thought it was perfect for WATWB. Little free library Instagram account. Well worth checking out to see pictures of the little free library’s around the world… You can find out more about Little Free Libraries here.
I love this because people are sharing what they love and spreading joy, light, and hope through their books…..
Which is what WATWB – we are the world blogfest – is about. Spreading light in a world where people spread so much darkness. There is all the light. Let’s spread it! Join WATWB here.
Happy Friday!
Love, light, and glitter
Is suicide the solution?
Suicide. It’s a word that scares many and brings hope to others. I started my blog elizareasonstolive (which for now is down) when I wanted to focus on the reasons to live, rather than reasons to die. I would post reasons to live, at the same time as doing things to end my life. I lived on the edge. Which is what I wanted to do. I wanted suicide, and I wanted to believe in hope.
Slowly, my life changed. I stopped using, stopped self harming, started eating, and started living in the world. (They’re all still things I can struggle with). I learned what it means to be present. I learnt, am learning, boundaries. And I learnt a lot about myself. I always thought it was about the end destination. About getting somewhere. Instead, I learnt that it was about the journey.
I learnt that the journey is the destination. I started my current blog when I wanted a space to ramble and write things that weren’t just reasons to live or that offered hope. Writing gave me a lot. Writing is the best therapy I could ever have given to myself. When I wrote letters to myself I accessed a part of myself that I never knew existed. I never knew I could talk to myself nicely. I never knew that there was any part of me that believed I was worth it.
Today, today I can’t say my life is perfect, but today I’m happy to embrace the imperfection. There is so much I want from my life. I’d love to know who I am and what I want from my life. I’m looking forward to learning it. Life is a learning game.
For the most part, I’m grateful that I have this chance. There are times I can get stuck in my head, and the biggest thing I’m focusing on at the moment is to stop overthinking. To live. To be. I’m trying to live in this world and not leave this world to live instead in my head.
Nothing and no one is perfect. No one has it easy. Not everyone feels guilty for living. Not everyone knows that by living they’re hurting others. I’ve learned, am learning, to let go of others. To be myself, for myself. I’m learning who I am. And, life is a learning game.
My blog is a positive space. I want it to stay that way. It’s a space where I share some awesome pictures – I love taking photographs even though I don’t publish most.
It’s a space that I want to use to spread love, light, and glitter. I can’t say I use it well, but really it’s just my space. A space I’m grateful for and where I’ve met some awesome people.
Remember, you are worth it. When you reach rock bottom, there is a way up. Don’t believe anyone who tells you it’s easy. Or that it’s your fault. Or that you’re crazy. There is not always another choice. Someone once told me that self harming was my way of looking after myself. And she was right. I was taking care of myself, coping, the best way I knew how. Also, don’t believe anyone who tells you there’s no hope. For there is always hope. I used to feel I was trapped. That no matter how much I tried I was and would always be stuck. I wasn’t depressed. There just wasn’t a way out. And suicide was the best answer. I’m not actually sure how come what I did to myself never harmed me. But I’m not going to complain. I can’t say I’m grateful that I was born. I can say that once I’m here I’m going to make the most of it and try to use every moment. I know life is just temporary. And that you are worth it and way stronger than you believe.
Love, light, and glitter
Suicideforum.com/community is an awesome peer support that I’m grateful for.
Protected: Conversation with my mother/random thoughts 2
Random thoughts
Today’s been pretty good.
I don’t think I’ll sleep until I get some of this down…
This morning I took my mother out. Didn’t really do anything. Then went shopping where I found cute sandals for 12 and an easy soft top I like for 14. Then nothing. Then ran to a friend and walked with her. When I was running to her I spoke to my rabbi.
I messaged him earlier that I wanted his opinion. That was really brave of me. He called me. Hmm. I’ll share that part here too.
I wanted his opinion on commentimg/suggesting things to my parents, that if presented in the right way may be listened to, and would help others. I decided it wasn’t healthy so for the past few months I’ve tried to say nothing. His opinion was that it’s anyways not a healthy situation and that if I’m going to help others and I’m not taking responsibility then why not. I don’t think he’s right but will ask others still.
It was good to speak to him. Gave him a life update. Told him where I want to be in 3 years – I never knew that I knew what I wanted. I guess that if I know I have to make a plan of action for some of those things. It was just really good to speak to him….
Came home after running/walking and ended up talking to my mother. This is what I wanted to put down.
Oh, that’s where it came in. I’m going to write it as a new passworded post because it’s easier to explain with the details that I’m not comfortable writing in public. If you want the password you can ask.
Happy Monday!
Love, light and glitter
