You did it!! We did it!!

These are the images I’ve posted recently on Instagram

We’re at the end of 2020. And you did it. I did it. We did it. I didn’t think I’d make it through the year, yet here I am. Here you are. It’s been one hell of a ride these past months. Although I haven’t replied to the comments on my last posts, I’ve read them all. And I’m really touched. It surprises me that you’re here and care despite how MIA I’ve been.

Congrats for making it through 2020! Let’s celebrate…

Here’s to a year….

Hopefully next year I’ll be more present amongst you…

Lotsa love and sunshine

E (not Eliza, I just dunno how to change my blog name).

Ramblings about a live

I just watched an IGTV – 40 minute video on instagram, and I’ve so so much to say…. that I’m going to try and put some of it into words. It’s definitely worth watching….

I’m not actually sure where to start, because almost every 5 minutes of it brought up something to write about, which would mean I should be writing 8 different blog posts… anyways. This is really for myself. To out it down.

Her first point was that choosing to have children is an act of courage. About 3 years ago I recall discussing this with my rabbi, and telling him I didn’t want to have children. It’s the first time I’ve heard anyone validate that. I don’t want to bring children into the world. The thought of bringing a child into the world is absolutely terrifying. I’m not saying I never will. I’m still a kid. I’m 26. I don’t know what will happen if I date, or ever decide to marry. Will I want to have children? I don’t know. I really appreciated the validation, the understanding. I don’t want to bring children into the world.

Okay so I’m going to miss out a whole lot of points.

Choosing to love takes courage.

It does. In real life I find it incredibly difficult to reach out to people. Well, online too. I don’t reach out in the way of making myself vulnerable. I share, definitely. I email or DM people, definitely. I don’t message anyone and tell them I’m struggling. I might write a post or story, which says that I am. But because it’s going public, it’s sharing, and isn’t requiring the same vulnerability.

There is someone absolutely gorgeous who lives not far from me. This person has given me the opportunity to be in touch with her a lot. A really lot! I’ve told her how much I appreciate her messages. It’s too scary to build that relationship. There’s also a big part that whenever I have reached out she hasn’t actually followed through with her offer. There’s my part to play. Building such relationships are scary. Terrifying. More than terrifying. I’m not saying I don’t have that honesty with anyone, for I do. My friend M who lives in Israel (I miss her… lockdown means that I haven’t seen her in a year. Haven’t been to israel in a year. I guess she hasn’t had to make that day trip from the north to central – 4 hours each way – in a year).

Choosing to connect takes courage. In any way. Whether through parenting, or teaching, or building any relationships.

I really appreciated those words – not a quote! I teach. My students are the most incredible humans on earth. Most of the students I’ve taught are learning disabled, special needs, or somewhere thereabouts. Teaching is draining. It requires 100% of my focus (which I don’t always have available, which of course brings guilt for they are not getting my all. I do know that my not all often gives more than someone else’s all. And I do give more to my students than most).

Choosing to build relationships is scary. It’s only during the last year that I’ve built a relationship with one of my sisters. A truly honest, vulnerable, relationship with. No, she doesn’t know most of what’s been going on. I’m grateful I’ve spared her the fear she’d have been living with.

Safety. I don’t consider myself to have PTSD, because I haven’t been through trauma. Although I can’t say nothing has been traumatic in my life. The more you talk about something, the more okay it is to talk about. Going off on a tangent here.

Today I was talking to a couple of people on a group call. We were sharing, they did first, what we were ashamed of. The first thing that came to my mind was that when I was 14 I didn’t have good hygiene, which meant I didn’t have friends, and no friends meant no learning what normal hygiene is. That’s something I’ve been ashamed of my entire life. Well, not my entire life. When I was 16 I went to seminary – Jewish girls college – and for the first time I learnt what people do. That hey, you’re meant to shower regularly etc. (My family didn’t practice good hygiene…). I’ve never spoken about it before because it was one of my most shameful secrets. I wrote about this on a private blogpost recently. And today I shared it. And as I was saying it i found it funny. Because. There’s nothing for me to be ashamed of. I wasn’t shown what to do. I didn’t know better. I was the cause of a lack of friends through no fault of my own. I’m going to have to go back to see what I was trying to say, but the point I’m saying here is that the more you talk about something, the more okay it becomes, the more you – I – accept and make sense of it.

Oh. So trauma. There are some things in my life that really impacted me. One of them being my special needs sister whom I was brought up to belief was normal. Who when I was 9 would say she wanted to end her life and it was our fault. I knew I was guilty for living. I knew she was going to due and it was my fault. My sister is a topic that recently is the first time I’m really okay talking about it. I’ve joked about it with my friends. Things like I’ve been sent to hell enough times that hell doesn’t scare me (by my sister and mother).

I’ve come to understand some of my life. Even as I say I haven’t been through trauma, I’ve come to understand that some things in my life traumatised me. And that’s the first time I’m saying that. Yes, writing IS saying. Interestingly enough, on the phone today, one of the people said that writing isn’t as real. I thought, hey, for me writing is real. Is more real.

Trauma brings a lack of safety. Teaches you the world isn’t safe. Why has no one ever put it so clearly into words before? She put it into words in a way that really spoke to me. For I’ve never heard it framed that way. One of the things I’ve said about my world is that there is no safety. I appreciated hearing the why. Why there’s no safety. The world’s definitely not as unsafe as it used to be. I don’t feel unsafe all the time. I don’t feel safe. Ever.

Another thing she put really well was how using something brings along its own set of problems. Yah. Don’t I know that. Her example was a kid choosing to avoid the problem of going to school will create the problems that staying home brings.

Destroying my life, which avoids all the causes for self destruction (to anyone who knows what I’ve been doing, I want to apologise. I don’t think it’s okay for me to have ever written on here what I’ve been doing. For my GP to know is okay – and of course the tight thing. For the psych I met to know, is of course the right thing. They have to know the risks. Which of course there is the risk. Which is why I’ve been living with it. For anyone here to know isn’t okay. I never should have shared. That’s the reason I’ve passworded the posts I’m aware spoke about it. I’m sorry.

Destroying my life takes away the pain of dealing with the world. It gives me an illusion of safety. It gives and control. It brings along self destruction. It brings along the battle of life vs death which is exhausting, and so hard to fight.

Self harm has helped. Side track again. I’m calling it self harm. The past few months I’ve finally named self harm, as exactly that. Self harm. It’s hard for me to say it. Why? Because then I’m saying that’s what it is. Self harm helped. It helps. It helps one problem. It causes others. Such as wrecking clothes I don’t want to wreck.

So yeah. This live brought up a lot. Hang on, I want to check how long I’ve been writing for. Okay. It’s been nearly 40 minutes.

I’m grateful for this space to process my thoughts. I’m grateful for writing, which helps me process my thoughts.

Oh. I wanted to share something positive I posted on instagram. I know I’ve said the same thing before, but, or AND, I’m saying the same thing again now.

If you’ve read this far there’s 2 points I want to say.

The most important point is – thank you for listening. Thank you for being here. Thank you for taking the time to read.

And I forgot the second.

Second point – I’m thinking of you all even as I’m not reading your posts. You all mean so much to me. Your support and encouragement, and belief, and hope, from some relative strangers, means a really lot to me. I’ve read every comment you’ve left even if I haven’t responded. I’m not around much as I haven’t had the headspace (on Instagram I’m reading the stories, not keeping up with posts directly, unless they show up in stories – on the days I check the stories that is). I do think of you all a lot. And thank you for being here.

Dialogue that says nothing

I’ve been thinking about what I want. And I guess coz today I’m okay, today I want help.

I want to want to stop messing up. I want to want to stop ODing constantly.

E, what will happen if you stop taking paracetamol?
It’s not safe to.
It’s not safe to stop ODing?
Right
Why?
Because I need it
Why do you need it?
It lets me play with death
What will happen if you stop playing with death?
I’ll have to live in the world
What will happen if you live in  the world?
I don’t know how to.
But E, you lived in the world.
I did. And it wasn’t safe.
So ODing gives you safety?
It gives me the illusion of death, which gives me safety.
Are you ready to live in the world?
No.
But you’re ready to be ready to?
Yes
So where do you go from here?
I don’t know.
Where do you want to go?
I want to go both ways. Towards life, and towards death.
Which way are you choosing?
Do I have to choose?
Well, kind of. Yes, you do have to choose. Because if you don’t choose, you ARE choosing.
I want both
I know you want both. You don’t need to give up on either side at the moment. Why do you want life?
I don’t want to hurt others.
E, why do you want life for yourself?
I don’t know that I do.
If there was no one in the world but you, would you choose life or death?
I don’t know.
K. Why do you want death?
Relief. Peace. No need to fight. No need to try.
Why do you want life?
I don’t.
Why don’t you want death?
It’s giving up.
E, are you scared to say that there’s a possibility you could want life?
Yes. Because that’s giving up on death.
Which are you choosing?
How do I make that choice?
E. You don’t need to change your actions. You can choose death and still live. You can choose life and still overdose, and self harm and throw up. But you do need to make a choice. You do need to either choose death and stop trying to get help, or choose life and figure out how you’ll get there.
I chose life so many times and it didn’t get me anywhere.
I know. You tried to stop so many times and you chose life, and you didn’t have the help to make it possible.
I’m just tired.
I know you are tired. That’s normal. And okay.
I don’t know what I want.
It’s not about what you want. It’s which choice you’re making.
I’m scared to say that I choose life.
Do you choose death?
No.
So you’re not choosing death, and you’re not actually choosing life either.
Yes.
You need to choose.
It’s sorta a choice.
Okay. So which do you want to walk towards?
Making life possible.
How will that be possible?
I don’t know.
What do you need to make it possible to walk towards life?
I don’t know.
What does ‘life’ look like to you?
Being okay. Living life on life’s terms. Not using or ODing. Not self harming. Not living with destruction. Having friends I’m in touch with. Having healthy relationships. Knowing where I’m heading. Studying. Living in my own apartment. Dating. Not wanting to be dead. Living life.
That sounds good E. How will you get there?
I don’t know.
What needs to happen for you to get there?
I need to be okay within myself and within the world. I need to be able to handle whatever happens, whatever I feel. I need to actually know what I feel. And feel altogether.
What needs to happen for you to get there?
Live in the world without destruction. Which isn’t possible.
What would make living without destruction possible?
I don’t really know.
I guess learning how to live and be okay in the world. Enough support.
What does enough support look like?
Kinda nearly 24/7.
Is that what you want?
I want to want it.
What do you want right now?
To stop fighting.
To stop fighting what?
I want the battle in my head to be silent. I want to stop living trapped. I feel like I’m trapped between life and death, trying to give both sides a voice, and it makes me so so tired. I want to live without that.
Would therapy help?
I don’t know. I process most things on my own. It could help by giving a safe space. If it’s safe that is. But. But it wouldn’t help me to stop living with both.
Why not?
Coz it’s not enough. Coz speaking to someone once a week isn’t enough. And won’t make it okay.
What about twice a week?
Also not enough.
Would therapy help in the future?
Yes. If it was more than once a week, and if I could do it with writing, and if we could be in touch in between. But. I don’t know. Coz it’d probably take me a year to trust someone, and by the time I build a relationship with them, it’s over.
Olay. Forget about  that E. Are you ready to do what it takes to get to another side?
I’m ready to be ready to. I don’t know. Depends what it involves. But I’m ready to work towards getting there. Like. I know I have to stop ODing. I’m not ready to. I’m ready to make it possible to stop.
What would make it possible to stop?
Enough support. Not needing it.
Thanks for your honesty.

.

I’m okay. For the first time in I don’t know how long those words have some truth to it.

I’ve left my house although I don’t need to. To come and sit here.

It’s beautiful here. And peaceful. And yes, I kinda knew I’d write when I get here. I haven’t sat down to write for myself in so long. For there’s never anything to say.

It’s cold….

Have holidays. No school today. Which I’m so grateful for. I can’t handle work.

I’m not sure what to say. For I have nothing to say.

This morning I had an appointment for a B12 injection. I was nervous. Because I had one 3 days ago and the nurse asked me what a blister was. Today it was a different nurse and thankfully she didn’t ask any questions.

It’s seriously cold.