I’m freaking out. And, I don’t know how to do it. I don’t think how to handle freaking out. I don’t know how to be with it. I guess I do know. Freak out. Know it’s okay. Just be with it. Sounds so simple. It should be simple. It isn’t simple. Coz I don’t know how to be with it. Exiting is so much simpler.
And yes, I know I’m okay. And if I check our that’s okay. I don’t actually want to mess up. It isn’t worth it. Though that is all that works. Really and truly works. Though, checking out is simpler. Simple in fact. And is what I’m going to do. I’m not sure how much choice there is. Especially when I have half left it too.
I wonder if I’ll ever know why I freak out, and how really to deal with it. For now, checking out and escaping in healthy ways probably is okay. I was actually aware of freaking. Which is more than what was in the past. Maybe I’ll write more later.
Edit. Coz I cut off so easily I wonder if it’s real or if I create it. Logically at a different time I know it’s real. Though now, I wonder. And I was writing elsewhere that I’m not handling it. But, yay me, too. I did stay with it for a bit. Yes, I’m sitting here totally peaceful here with a smile on my face. I’ve completely cut off from anything I was saying about this and what I do or don’t want. Yet, I stayed with it for a bit. I freaked out and i stayed with the shaking and not breathing for a bit. I didn’t know how to handle it. And i stayed with it. Jot for long. But for a bit. And i don’t want this. I want the world to be sunshine and sparkles. And the world is sunshine and sparkles. And they’re both true. Even if I don’t really know that just yet. And regardless of what happens, even if I mess up – which isn’t on my agenda at all – it is okay and I am and will be okay. And even if I cut off, today I was present for a bit. Which is longer than I usually am. Nowhere near present with my body and I’ve been noticing the distance recently and wishing I could bridge it, and being grateful for being present in the world which I never used to be. But that’s all another story.
Medtronic are sharing their blueprints for their ventilators. The CEO of Medtronics Israeli division made that decision this week. They’re sharing details of the manufacturing process too, so that other companies who want to manufacture ventilators will have the ability to do so. They’re teaching how to use them. They’re saving the world, one ventilator at a time. They can’t meet the current demand despite doubling and soon to be tripling their creation, despite joining with other manufacturers, so they want to help others manufacture them too.
We can make the world better. One moment at a time. We can’t give to that extent, or most of us can’t. Every act of kindness, even staying inside to protect others, causes ripple effects that we never know the ramifications of.
What kindness can you do for someone else? What has someone done for you?
I just joined a yoga online class. Well, I listened to the beginning. After a few minutes I felt like I couldn’t breathe. So a few times I hugged myself for a bit. After 20 minutes or so I stopped and just sat there shaking (hugged my heart cushion at the same time) for about 10 minutes. Tried to breathe through the tightness, and yet could feel real breathing. It was interesting how throat can be constricted, and shaking, yet really feel breathing in body, stomach. I wonder why it freaked me out so much. Tomorrow they have another class by the same person (they have other classes with other people) that I want to try. On the site it does say that you may only want to join for 10 minutes. So it’s obviously not just me (I know it’s not coz of the one who gave me the link – thanks!). I wonder why it is though. For just sitting and not moving much doesn’t sound so freak-worthy. Sounds less to me than sitting in the park doing nothing for an hour – which I loved! I don’t really need to understand why, though I’d love to.
Day 14: What recent challenge are you grateful for?
I’m grateful for the last time I messed up – a few months ago. I’m grateful because of all it taught me. I’m grateful because seeing what it was like for me then, using to burn and burning, actually showed me how far I’d come. Everything in life can be a stumbling block or stepping stone. I stumbled. I fell. And I hope I used the month of messing up to learn how much going present means to me. I hope it taught me to be grateful. I hope I used it to grow. I’m grateful for it because it makes me appreciate where I am today, that I’m here just being, not messing my life up. I’m grateful because of the appreciation it gave me, awareness, for the journey, and that messing up is just a part of the journey of life.
Gratitude challenge day 14: Spend the day being an optimist.