You really make my world a brighter place, in which I feel a lot less alone. In which there are people around. Which I’ve found people who talk about the worlds I don’t necessarily share about. Who spread love, wisdom, laughter and glitter.
You are all awesome and so worth it. Thank you for taking the time to read this, for sharing your words with me, for being here and making my world a brighter place.
Journaling is good for me. When I’m in a good space I’m journaling all the time. I’m never sure what comes first – the journaling and okayness, or the lack.
I’m in an okay space now. I’m present, which I feel like I’ve said so often here. I’m so grateful for it. To really be present in the world. I don’t mean present with what I feel either in my body or emotionally for I’ve never been present with the latter, I do sometimes notice my body. I mean present in the world. I love the reality. I’m guessing that if I ever am really present in my body and emotions I’ll love it as much as I love this. It would be, it will be, cool.
Been eating too much junk and purging. Trying to. Holding off. Doing so. It just is. I never really did stop. It’s just a sign to me of where I’m at. I’m not sure where that is. For I’ve been eating enough healthy food too. I think. And, I’m trying to create a life I love. I’m running to and from school. I emailed someone to ask about volunteering. I didn’t get a reply, but, I reached out.
I’ve joined a pilates class – which I’ll be stopping at the end of the 6 classes paid for. Maybe we’ll find another more experienced instructor. This instructor is just young and definitely cant handle people with issues. I’ve been leaving every class dizzy. Really dizzy. Another participant with pain – some pain is good, but not this kind. We’ll see.
I went to a krav maga class and I’m looking forward to the next 3 of the introduction series. It was actually this krav maga exercise class that showed me it’s the pilates instructor for I didn’t leave dizzy. Even though it was just the next night and I’d been feeling dizzy that day, the class didnt make me dizzy.
I’m trying to fill out an application for a level 3 in youth work. I really want to get accepted for one of the few spots on the course. I need a good application. To send off by Sunday. I don’t know how to fill it in. Its 2 main questions- why do you want to do it, what do you think you have to offer. I don’t know how to answer.
I’m doing good things. At the same time as some of what I’m doing isn’t so great. I’ve not been sleeping anywhere near enough. I wish I could get to sleep earlier. Maybe one day I’ll be able to just go to sleep.
Even if I don’t deserve it, I don’t need to ruin it.
I wrote ‘do I deserve to be okay’ because I was thinking that although I’ve told it to myself, I really want to hear it from others. I want someone else to tell me I deserve it. I sent it to the only person I could really text that to (I could to others too but it would either be unhealthy or for the others I just can’t ask them to tell me I deserve it) and, she replied that I deserve health and happiness. It just made me sad. So sad. Coz I don’t deserve it and she just doesn’t know. And because I thought it would help if she – someone other than the letter I wrote to myself – would tell me I deserve to be okay. And it didn’t. It doesn’t. I still don’t deserve to be okay.
So I was wondering whether I should use. I think this comes from realising I didn’t need to even though I was freaking, that cutting off won’t help me and I can get through it (and I did). I really don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to be okay. I don’t deserve to be present. Which I am. I am present. It’s something I feel like getting onto a rooftop and screaming to the world – do you see me? I am here…. I love being ‘here’ (here as in present). I’m so grateful for it and don’t take any moment of this presentness – do you realise how cool that is, that bring present is the biggest present – for granted. I really love it. I’m especially grateful after the months where everything seemed so unreal, when I was wondering where reality lies. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to be okay. And maybe, just maybe, even if I don’t deserve it I don’t have to ruin it. Maybe it’s possible to get something I don’t deserve. Maybe I can live with how okay I am, and love it, even if it makes no sense, and just be grateful anyways. As I started off saying, even if I don’t deserve it, for this moment I don’t need to ruin it.
I don’t know how coherent this post is. I’m on my phone and typing on my phone means I’m just writing and not thinking it through (I never do, but I can edit more and think a bit more when typing normally). It’s slightly disjointed. And although I tried to explain what I mean by how grateful I am to be ‘here’, present, I don’t know if it’s possible to know what I mean unless you’ve lived with the unreality. And I feel like explaining it, which I tried to do, will have made everything make less sense, rather than more. And I wonder if I’m making this make still less sense…
I just wrote to myself, telling myself that I do. I wonder what will happen if I use. I kinda want to use. I’m scared to admit to myself just how much I want it. I think part of why, or all of why, is that, I don’t deserve this okayness. I don’t deserve to be so present.
I freaked out last might and although it wasn’t okay, it was okay. I was freaking out, listening to music, shaking away until I’d exhausted myself enough that I got to sleep. I didn’t use. I didnt need to use. I realised that then. Which is what got me wondering what would happen if I did. I’m present. I’m here. And, I don’t know. I really am grateful for it. I love how present and ‘here’ I am. And I don’t deserve it. I really don’t deserve it. I wrote to myself a letter telling myself that I deserve to be okay. That I deserve to live a life I love. That I don’t need to destroy it…. but. But. But. But do I? Do I deserve to be okay?
I haven’t shared any acts of kindness stories in a while. I’ve been away and off here. This is a joined FAK/WATWB post (in a world of darkness, spread light)
A restaurant had a stray cat coming around. Instead of leaving it there, they, and their customers, looked and still look after the cat. 8 years later. The cat has a family there… A family of people who see a stray animal and look after it, because it was needed. If you’re ever unsure if there’s goodness in the world, just look out for all the little things that people everywhere keep on doing. Just because. What act of kindness can you do for someone else today? What act of kindness has someone done for you?
This particular Denny’s location in Oregon serves more than just breakfast and other diner favorites.
“Everyone here cares, and they always have more love to give. And the remarkable thing about Mr. Denns is that he gives that love right back,” Leader said. “It’s a huge, beautiful loop that demonstrates the relationships between humans and animals, and also from human to human. To see that we can show this kind of kindness to a loving animal, perhaps we can show it to each other?”
Laura Leader has no affiliation with this Denny’s location beyond being a customer — but she is an advocate for their dear cat. Leader started a GoFundMe in case others would like to donate toward Denns’ continued care.
I’m putting a trigger warning here, because the first part of this would trigger me. I read Mia’s post I don’t know you anymore and was journaling a lot, this was the last thing I wrote. Partly rambling in this way because I was thinking of some letters to addiction/ED that I’ve read. Although yesterday I didn’t and was really proud of myself for it, today I did.
You think you’re my friend.
I’m adding this in as it seems to be necessary. The you is referring to myself. And yes, you do think you’re my friend. Everything we do or say to ourselves is because that’s what we believe we need and is our way of being kind to ourselves (often misguided). I hope this makes it clearer…
You think you’re my friend. You tell me to throw up. You tell me to continue purging. You tell me I’m ugly. You tell me I’m fat. You tell me I’m worthless. You tell me I’m guilty. You tell me I’m like dirt. You tell me I’m disgusting. You tell me I have to erase myself. You tell me I need to destroy myself. You tell me. You tell me. You tell me. You think you’re my friend?
You tell me I’m a liar. You tell me I’m fake. You tell me I’m a fraud. You tell me everyone hates me. You tell me no one can care. You tell me no one does care. You tell me I’m alone. You tell me I’m better off unknown. You tell me you’re here for me. You tell me. You tell me. You tell me. You tell me. You think you’re my friend. I think you’re my friend.
You tell me to use (OD – nothing can happen for nothing ever has, just see what will happen if you have just a few). You tell me I’ll fail. You tell me there is no point in trying. You tell me life is worthless. You tell me there is no meaning. You tell me all is cruelty. You tell me there’s no purpose. You tell me. You tell me. You tell me. You think you’re my friend. I think you’re my friend. You think you are protecting me.
You think you’re my friend. You tell me. You tell me to get rid of myself. You tell me I can’t create. You tell me I’m despicable. You tell me people can’t like me. You tell me I’ll never get there. You tell me there is no ‘there’. You tell me it’s all destruction (the world). You tell me there is no rhyme or reason. You tell me I’m hurting others. You tell me I’m guilty of causing pain. You tell me my existence causes pain. You tell me I’m a threat. You tell me I’m selfish. You tell me. You tell me. You tell me I’m needy. You tell me. You tell me. You tell me. You think you’re my friend. I think you’re my friend. You think you’re trying to protect me. I think you’re trying to protect me.
You think you’re my friend. You tell me. You tell me I’m empty. You tell me there’s nothing within. You tell me not to get to know myself. You tell me it’s dangerous. Dangerous for me to see who I am. You tell me there’s blank. You tell me. You tell me it’s pointless. You tell me all is bad. The good doesn’t mean a thing. You tell me I don’t really exist. You tell me it’s a dream. A dream and non reality. You tell me I’ll never see, I’ll never really be present. You tell me it’s not safe. You tell me it’ll never be safe. You tell me I’ll never find the security. Or safety. Within. You tell me. You tell me. You tell me. You think you’re my friend. I think you’re my friend. You think you’re protecting me. I think you are protecting me.
You think you are my friend.
You tell me. You tell me. You tell me.
You think you’re my friend. Yet you make it so much harder. Harder than it needs to me.
You think you’re my friend. You think you’re protecting me.
If you want to be my friend, if you want to protect me, tell me. Tell me I’m worth it. Tell me it’s possible. Tell me it is worth it. Tell me I’ll get there, and I’ll love the ‘there’ that we find together. Tell me it will be fun. Tell me I’m brave. Tell me people can care. tell me to trust. Myself. Others. The world. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.
Tell me. If you want to be my friend. tell me. Tell me it’s beautiful. Tell me it’s worth it. Tell me to let go. Of those who think I’m guilty. Tell me I’m not responsible. For those who get hurt by me. Tell me it’s not my issue. Tell me I’m allowed to choose. Tell me it’s my right, my right of birth. Tell me it’s my life. My life to live. Tell me my choices are mine to own. Tell me I can chart my own path. Tell me this path will not destroy others and if it does, I can still choose my own direction for their destruction is their choice and not mine. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.
If you want to be my friend. If you want to protect me. Tell me. Tell me you’ll stay with me. Tell me we’ll have fun. Tell me I’ll meet awesome people along the way.Tell me the most awesome person I can meet is myself. Tell me I have a world. Tell me I’ve the right to exist. Tell me I’m allowed to be. Tell me it’s okay if I’m here. Tell me I’m a force. A force of light. Tell me I can be. I can be whoever I want to be. Tell me. Tell me. Tell.
If you want to be my friend. If you want to protect me. Tell me. Come join me. As we walk this journey of lief. As we go up and down mountains. As we stumble and fall. As we get back up again. If you want to be my friend, come join me. Let’s watch the sunsets, live through the nights, see the sunrise, enjoy the beauty of the sunshine. Let’s go boating, race through the grass, roll down hills, scream, cry and laugh. If you want to be my friend, if you want to protect me, come stay with me, and let’s see, let’s discover, what is waiting, waiting on the other side.
On the way to the airport… travelling home soon. I loved every minute here and wish I could stay! It’s sad to be going home. I really do wish I could stay. So much calmer here. It’s as though everything still has to be worked through, and just seems doable.
It’s been awesome not to have internet access although annoying to be unable to arrange to meet people who only have WhatsApp.