Journey to life

This is just to wish happy birthday to some gorgeous girl!!! Happy birthday…. I know I haven’t been on here at all. I care a lot about you and hope school, and hopefully university, go awesometastically. You can do anything you want to do!

Leave your birthday wishes below…

Happy birthday!!!

I’m unsure how to reply to a message I received last week. So I thought maybe I’d write here.

I’m writing here because I no longer really use my journal. I started using my journal again to write to myself every day – sometimes I’ve written the letters in my notes. They can be just 2 lines.

A year ago I was looking, again, for a therapist. I wanted to find someone in IFS for I loved everything I ever heard about it. I loved it since IFS uses words for concepts I’ve often tried to explain, and because it made me feel like maybe I’m not crazy. When I wrote this I felt crazy as I wrote here. Learning about IFS and other things changed that – I feel crazy – because it no longer felt like splitting myself.

I began writing here since I couldn’t concentrate on a practice with all these words flying around my head so I thought I’d put it down. Except that I’m trying to go in order instead of just put my thoughts down. I wanted to go in order so it made more logical sense but instead I’m going to just write.

N is who I was in touch with and saw. N missed called me last week and then messaged me that, you know what, I’m going to copy it out here.

Hi E

I just tried to call you, thought it had been a while since we last spoke, wanted to check in. I feel we lost touch a while back… I had tried to call you at some point and got consumed with work and life and havent tried again till now, which I’m sorry about. I can see here that you still have 2 sessions with me. Of you want to talk to me about them, lets try to talk again sometime. If not, you may have a refund.
Id love to continue the work with you just let me know what you’d like to do.

Love, N

I thought I’d respond to her when I’ve headspace, and a lot of the time I’ve very little headspace. Enough that I’m finding it hard to string sentences together – writing isn’t like that. How on earth DO I reply?

In January we had a session just before she went away for a few weeks. At the end of that session she asked me if I’d like to be in touch whilst she was away. I asked her why and she said she thought it was important to be (I asked why but she didn’t answer that. Which bothered me. I knew why it was important. I wanted her to explain her reasoning). I said yes. I didn’t want to do any zoom sessions and I wanted to speak whilst she was away. She said she’d arrange a time that we’d speak for a minutes at the same time every week. I didn’t hear anything from her whilst she was away. I didn’t hear anything until a bit after she back, 17th March, when she sent me a generic email saying she’s back and if I’d like to book a session to book through the link.

She came back in the middle of what was the hardest time of the last month’s – October and my birthday are massive dates to me so will always, not always, but when I anyways am constantly choosing not to die, bring forth the choice again.

I replied that I hadn’t expected to hear from her again and that I’d like to speak before we met. I would see what she said about not being in touch when we spoke. I also had a few things to discuss with her but that I didn’t need to discuss to be okay seeing her. She responded that she’s free on Tuesday in the afternoon, when is good for me. I replied that I’m free anytime from 3. I didn’t get a responses to my email. She didn’t call me that Tuesday (22nd March). 30th March she texted me that she’d try and call around 5 that day. I kept my phone on me but nothing. I took that as I’m never going to hear from her again. On the 25th April I missed a call from her and then the above message.

I haven’t replied since I haven’t had headspace to think of a response. I’d written down the most important things to discuss with her. There were things not on the list too. These we had to discuss to be able to do any future work.

18 Feb
To talk about with N before we do anything.

-Fuzzing out – twice. The first time I thought it was heat. Until 2nd time. She wasn’t aware of anything the second time. I would have wanted her to actually helped me ground myself rather than sitting there the first time I fuzzed out. She knew something even if not what and sat there whilst I was trying to breathe. Unsure what I think. When I told her a bit later I’d fuzzed out she kinda said it’s normal. I’m not sure what I think.
-She said we’d be in touch every week when she was away but she hasn’t actually been in touch.
-When I bring up anything she’s said I feel as though she’s defending herself rather than listening. For example I said about something she said she did that I don’t want her to do since it goes against my beliefs. It wasn’t an attack just a statement. You did this, in future please don’t since it goes against Judaism. And she said she hadn’t said that and doesn’t believe that way etc Which I thought maybe I’d misheard her amd maybe she didn’t do what I thought. Until now I’ve seen enough of her stuff on instagram to know I was right and what she’d said goes against Judaism. It doesn’t bother me that she’d done it. Bothers me that she said she hadn’t. (I’d asked her not to offer anything on my behalf in future). Or when I say she’s said something and ask her what she meant and she says she didn’t say that. It bothers me when I ask why something and she says because it is. There’s always a reason why. You can just say you don’t want to discuss it. Or I told her breathing practices like the ones she’d sent to me wouldn’t work for me and she told me it was a generic email – I tried telling her it was directed to me but she wouldn’t hear it. It was after we’d met that she said she’d send an email tomorrow with some exercises, she sent it the next week. Do you think I don’t know if something says Dear E, and do you think I don’t know the differences between your email addresses?
– The last time we met, afterwards, the questioning reality it brought up. And couldn’t sleep for the next 2 weeks until finally calmed down.

So now – what?

I don’t know what to reply

Why do I like her?

I like N because I like her as a person. I like most of her beliefs. Her understanding of the universe aligns with my understanding and it’s rare to meet that to the extent she does. I like her vibe. And I like most of her beliefs and knowledge. I’ve listened to a lot of her YouTube recordings and asides for what goes against Judaism I like what she says.

I want you all to watch these 2. They made a massive difference to my life.

What I don’t like

The defensiveness when I’ve brought up anything. Not remembering the really important things – for example I told her twice, both before we met, and after 3 times I’d met her, that I was suicidal. I’m pretty certain she never remembered it. When I told her the second time she recalled the original conversation. I don’t like when she doesn’t keep to exactly what she says. She doesn’t remember what she’s said therefore doesn’t follow through on it. If you say you’ll be in touch during the week, be in touch. If you say you’ll email something, do it etc. Or just don’t say it. I’ve chased her up before. And obviously this, where she just disappeared from my life. She doesn’t seem to have any awareness of how she did. I’m not saying I was hurt because I don’t know if I was. I never trusted her enough for her to actually break that trust. So. No trust broken. Had I trusted her. It would be broken. And I’ve been living with a pretty high level of disconnect.

I can’t think of anything else to add for now.

Oh, and the part I have to play. I believe I’m creating and giving off energy that causes others to leave. Why I say that is because this has happened enough times in situations or with people where it’s unlike them. I’ve been trying to consciously put out different energy (which would explain why she called now).

Hey y’all

I rarely come on here, other than to schedule posts. I am on Instagram. If you have Instagram you can find me at A thousand reasons to live and From Rock Bottom – Suicide Awareness. There are days/weeks I’m rarely on there either.

It was my birthday recently. I didn’t think I’d be here past my birthday. Yet. Here I am. I don’t know what I’ll do with my life. Or how to make being here okay. It just – is.

Over the past years I’ve become much more okay with Judaism. There’s no longer the fight. I don’t know whether I believe Judaism is true. That’s not something I’ve worked through. I do know I was born Jewish and Judaism is my heritage. I’ve also seen how every religion, when you go to the extreme right, has some very similar cultural values, and cultural issues. It’s interesting to see the crossover and how much is the same. If I’m here, I don’t know where I’ll be with religion, and I’m okay with not knowing. I eat only kosher, I keep to the shabbat some weeks more some less, there is meaning to me in jewish tradition.

My family are here for pesach – passover. In a sense I’m glad I’m here for them.

My life’s a mess and I don’t know how to make it better.

Still going out in nature and taking pictures. I’ve learnt I love taking pictures. Thank you Linda and Kate for encouraging me to.

I stopped running – I did Couch to 5k but stopped pretty much right away for when I was back home my heart rate would spike to 140 – 150 and take a couple hours to come down.

I saw my GP recently because I told him I couldn’t spray a bottle with my left hand. He did the hammer test. I only knew what he did afterwards when I googled it and said I’m an anamoly or something because there’s nerve loss in my left hand and right leg – not consistent. I haven’t been able to get through to him since.

I’d love to hear how you all are doing.

Happy birthday Linda – I know it’s only on Friday.

Sending love and sunshine to you all.

E