Song of the day: Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley

I’ve never watched this video before. Just heard the song. Now I’m sitting here crying through it….
Whiskey lullaby with lyrics

Lyrics

She put him out like the burnin’ end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart, he spent his whole life tryin’ to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night

He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short, but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said, ‘I’ll love her till I die.’
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby

The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night

She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short, but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby

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Intensity/too much

I think writing this may help me to calm down enough that I can go to sleep.

My friend had a baby. I’m so happy. I’m so excited. I’ve been saying it over and over for the past few hours. I’ve been texting people the same message in slightly different variations over and over. That she had a baby.

I don’t know what to do with the energy. I don’t know how to handle myself with all this energy. I’ve cried. Which is good. I’m so happy for her! I’ve written the baby a letter. I’ve written the mother a sappy email that is so not my style. I’ve sent numerous messages to the same people. My gratitude list today consisted of 20 variations of the same thing ‘my friend had a baby’. Everything else doesn’t make it, for I just had to write that. Again. And again. And again. I’ve driven one of my friends mad. She actually told me she doesn’t want to talk to me if that’s all I want to say (this is the friend who came over and threw away my cocodamol. Telling me she doesn’t want to talk to me). I’ve driven everyone crazy.

Said friend told me she hopes I know I’m not being ‘normal’. That my reaction is OTT – over the top. I guess so. I’m slowly registering the news. I’m so happy! I don’t know what to do with myself with all this.

The rest I’m thinking of (and writing this will sober me down – I think) is my reaction. How my reaction is extreme. How this happened and I can’t deal with it. How this is my reaction to everything in life. Something happens and my reaction is extreme. I can’t handle it and don’t always handle it. I ruminate and am sad for days. I freak out completely. I’m seeing now that when it’s a good thing, when I’m happy, the same thing happens. I freak out – just this freaking out is in a good way and doesn’t involve cutting off at all. I’ve so much going on that I can’t put my thoughts into words. I’m on the phone saying uh, um, I-I-I, stammering. It’s all too much for me. Too much of a good thing though.

It’s interesting for me to see. How my reaction is the same. How usually it’s with a negative thing, because usually I’m freaking out over the things that happen to me. And that’s just my way. Of being extreme. Of being unable to handle it. I always knew I couldn’t handle anything when it was too much. I know I tune out and cut off and meet a very lot of ‘nothingness’ where I’m absolutely unaware of what is going on and why and I feel the ‘nothingness’. The nothingness is something I feel. It’s not just emptiness. It’s a something made up of nothings when I can’t handle it. Today I ate loads of chocolate. I ate as a kind of comfort. It wasn’t for comfort. I wasn’t looking for comfort. I was looking for something to do with all the energy I was feeling. It’s just, interesting for me to see. How it’s the same. The same extremity with both the positive and the negative. I’m actually glad to see it’s not only with the negative that it gets ‘too much’. That I don’t know what to do with myself with such things too.

Actually random, reminds me of when I passed an examination. It was major for me. I didn’t tell anyone at the time for it was such a big deal for me that I couldn’t handle others being happy for me or screaming or celebrating when I could just about handle it. It made for some kinda funny moments months down the line. What, you passed? When did you pass? Um, uh, a few months ago, I just didn’t tell anyone (to good friends, too).

I’m not really sure what it means but it’s not so much the point of what it means (although of course I’d love to understand it). I wrote it as it’s required focusing on something else and I really have to calm myself down somehow.

I hope I sleep tonight. I’ve definitely exhausted myself.

Song of the day: Paralyzed – Against the current

I’ve had this song playing in my head for a while now. The first refrain ‘It feels like I’m paralyzed’. Reading through the lyrics, they’re so on target, and so positive.

Lyrics

Have you had a million reasons why you wish you’d never seen the truth?
Have you looked into the mirror and the clown is staring back at you

I can’t control myself, don’t know who I’ve been
And who is this monster wearing my skin?
A movie in black and white when will it end?
‘Cause every time I scream no one hears me

It feels like I’m paralyzed, and I can’t
Escape from the prison I’m, living in
I’m naming the voices in my head
To keep on telling me to give in
But it making me stronger
Fight a little longer
I’m gonna bring me back to life
And I won’t be paralyzed

Have you searched for something deeper out of fear that life’s a lonely road?
Have you roamed the darkest corners of the earth, until you’re just a ghost?

I can’t control myself, don’t know who I’ve been
And who is this monster wearing my skin?
A movie in black and white when will it end?
‘Cause every time I scream no one hears me

It feels like I’m paralyzed, and I can’t
Escape from the prison I’m, living in
I’m naming the voices in my head
To keep on telling me to give in
But it making me stronger
Fight a little longer
I’m gonna bring me back to life
And I won’t be paralyzed

I’m not afraid I can face my demons
Even if they tear me down
If I fall, let me fall, It might take time
But I’ll find my own way out
It feels like I’m paralyzed, and I can’t
Escape from the prison I’m, living in

It feels like I’m paralyzed, and I can’t
Escape from the prison I’m, living in
I’m naming the voices in my head
To keep on telling me to give in
But it making me stronger
Fight a little longer
I’m gonna bring me back to life
It feels like I’m paralyzed [x4]
But it making me stronger
Fight a little longer
I’m gonna bring me back to life
And I won’t be paralyzed

Make a life for yourself.

I start in the middle of sentences. I’m teaching my students to start at the beginning, yet it’s something I don’t do.

I had a plan for this post. Then another plan. Now another plan. So I’ve no clue yet which of the three I’ll write about.

Last night I was on the phone to someone. She told me that the message she wishes she could give me is to make a life for myself. That I need to make a life for myself. That I’m in torn between wanting to make a life for myself and respect for my father. Well, I’d actually tried to explain that to her (I wrote some of it here) but I could see she hadn’t understood what I’d said. At the end of the conversation she actually did see it – though not from what I’d said. Well, duh.

Make a life for myself. What does that even mean?

I don’t know what I want my life to look like. It was this person I spoke to last night who did energy work a while back on believing that there could be a future for me. Which, actually shifted. I’ve begun to believe that there could be a future. I just can’t figure out what on earth this future is meant to look like.

I was talking to a friend earlier and explaining it to her. That my life never could be about me, it always had to be about others. There are 2 people in particular. The issues with one, I’ve worked through pretty much. I don’t feel the same guilt for living as I used to. I see that in the lack of suicidality. I think the main reason I was suicidal was coz’ I couldn’t live because I’m guilty for being alive. I was explaining to someone earlier how by living I’m taking away from other people. And it’s true. By living I’m hurting people. It’s their issue. Not mine. I know that now. I’ve finally realised that it’s not my issue that others are hurt by my very existence. That my existence challenges others existence and being. It’s theirs. Not mine. I’m trying to disentangle myself from it. I can’t. I can’t just disconnect. I have in minute ways. I’m sometimes able to set boundaries with this person. I’m able to sometimes stand my ground. I just don’t keep in touch with this person although I love this person very much, because I can’t handle the connection. Not until either this person is healthier – enough that my existence isn’t a threat. Or that I can actually disconnect enough not to be drawn in even when in contact – without the contact it has this much of an effect on me. The effect with contact would be multiplied by a thousand.

Make a life for yourself. I know I’ve said it on here before. I couldn’t want anything ever. I’m learning that I can want. I’m learning that I can want and stand my ground. I’m often being selfish. Not doing things just because I don’t want to. Going to the other extreme. There’s a balance, I know. A balance I hope to one day achieve. It was actually written really poignantly in one of the letters I wrote to myself. A balance of being able to give in a way that instead of taking away from my identify, giving is my identity. Giving can be something I choose to do instead of something I have to do. So long as it’s something I have to do, it’s not healthy for me. When it’s something I choose to do, it’s healthy.

I know that I can get to a place where giving is healthy. Sometimes I just don’t say yes, because I can’t be bothered. And it’s okay. It’s a good thing. It’s going to the other extreme, just saying no. But it’s important in building a balance. I do give, too. I’ve built a relationship with my mother. With my mother who taught me that it’s not safe to feel. With my mother who lived in denial about everything her entire life. With my mother who hurt me. With my mother who loved me. With my mother who did her best and taught me that it’s not safe to exist. With my mother who believes her children are there for her sake. I’ve built a relationship with her. I give to her. I talk to her about inconsequential things. I spend time with her. I give to her. I did it for her sake. Now I’m happy with it for my sake. Now that I’ve a relationship with her – on my terms – it’s good for me, too.

Make for yourself a life.

I don’t know how to do that. It’s a very easy thing to say. Make for yourself a life. It’s very hard to believe. That I’m allowed to. Make a life for myself. That I’m allowed to. That I’m able to. Even that I deserve to. I don’t believe it now. It doesn’t matter if I don’t believe it. I can still try to do it. Not that I know how so not that it’s relevant. But it is relevant. I’m dissing it because it’s overwhelming to me. Yet the words will play over in my head.

Something else she said to me was to ‘put it out there’. To put it out there and see what happens. She suggested moving. Moving away so that not at home, not living with others where I can’t learn who I am for fear of hurting them. It isn’t practical in any sense for a multitude of reasons. It’s not that I wouldn’t do it. I couldn’t. If someone were to see to it all for me and hand it to me on a platter it would be a different story. Now is not the time in my life to focus my energy on that. She agreed with me. And told me to put it out there. Let it be a possibility and if it were meant to happen, it could and would. I can’t – and won’t – do anything for it. It doesn’t mean it wouldn’t happen. Asides that her reasons for moving out were primarily about the person I mentioned above, who doesn’t actually live in the same place as I and who I’ve very little contact with. So moving wouldn’t disentangle me from her anymore.

Make a life for yourself.

I’ve gotta believe it’s possible. I think I do believe it’s possible. Even though I don’t see how.

She also gave me the name of someone to look up and call. I’m scared to. I’ve no clue what to say. (Edit: Who I just called and she said she isn’t able to be of any help. It’s a lot easier if I just don’t try.)

Rambling update 290.

Somehow I keep on meeting nice people. I think the world is filled with such nice people and instead of focusing on them, we, maybe just I, let the others overshadow them. Last night I went shopping and was reversing into a bay. A guy hooted at me – no clue why, maybe he thought I was going to bash his car though I knew there was enough space? One guy on his way home reassured me I was doing amazingly, and stood there until I was mostly in. Another random shopper also on his way home stood nearby in case I needed help until I’d finished parking.

I often meet people when I’m parking who aren’t that nice to me. I just as often meet people who go out of their way for me. It’s usually guys or elderly women who do that. Like the women who when I finished reversing out after holding up a long queue for at least 10 minutes (and going the wrong way out!) said to me ‘Well done, honey!’

When I first started blogging (Reasons to live) someone started the blog for me. Paid for the domain name and hosting. I really need to figure how to change and move hosting as the site is a mess, one day I’ll do it.

I keep on meeting nice people…. I know I’ve written about it so many times :). Like the taxi driver who drove me for free to my end destination. Like the random fellow who bought me water since I didn’t have a card I could use. Like the person behind me when I was trying to pay for my parking ticket who gave me a pound to use.

There are so many nice people in the world!

I’ve lost weight. Someone told me I’ve lost weight and look much better than I did a couple of months ago. I’m eating now – I think. I hope. I’m always making sure to eat enough. Like I’ve been eating vegetables and chicken every day. A couple of days I was eating more. It’s definitely better for me to be eating normally – though I don’t seem to do the ‘normal’, it’s either way too much or too little. It’s cool that I’m understanding the cycle now. I think I do anyways. I like that I’ve lost weight and would love to lose more weight – but it’s something I’m trying to ignore.

The past 3 nights I didn’t want to use. Using cocodamol is always there. It’s always an option I mean. It’s not always a need. When I was living with the constant need I couldn’t remember if there was ever a time that I didn’t want to use. I thought it was my imagination that there was a time. Yet, there was a time. I’d forgotten about it for the need to use was so all encompassing, and was there for so long. I don’t even know how long…. I have noticed that often the need to use was a lot stronger in the evenings. I thought it was because that was when I have time. But it’s not so. I was doing nothing all evening yesterday and I didn’t need to. I have been buying cocodamol but that’s a different story. I don’t know how long this will last. I do know that I’m grateful for the reprieve. I do know that I’m grateful to be living for the moment without the constant, constant need to use. I do know that I can now see the difference between it always being an option and needing it. It’s always an option. I always wonder (even now) what will happen if I use again. I always want to see what will happen. I don’t need to use now. I don’t feel like I need to. I’m grateful for that.

Love, light and glitter

Song of the day: Stand by you – Rachel Platten

I love this song!
Lyrics video

Lyrics

Hands, put your empty hands in mine
And scars, show me all the scars you hide
And hey, if your wings are broken
Please take mine so yours can open too
‘Cause I’m gonna stand by you
Oh, tears make kaleidoscopes in your eyes
And hurt, I know you’re hurting, but so am I
And love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine so yours can open too
‘Cause I’m gonna stand by you

Even if we’re breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can’t find heaven, I’ll walk through hell with you
Love, you’re not alone, ’cause I’m gonna stand by you
Even if we can’t find heaven, I’m gonna stand by you
Even if we can’t find heaven, I’ll walk through hell with you
Love, you’re not alone, ’cause I’m gonna stand by you

Yeah, you’re all I never knew I needed
And the heart, sometimes it’s unclear why it’s beating
And love, if your wings are broken
We can brave through those emotions too
‘Cause I’m gonna stand by you
Oh, truth, I guess truth is what you believe in
And faith, I think faith is helping to reason
No, no, no, love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine so yours can open too
‘Cause I’m gonna stand by you

Even if we’re breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can’t find heaven, I’ll walk through hell with you
Love, you’re not alone, ’cause I’m gonna stand by you
Even if we can’t find heaven, I’m gonna stand by you
Even if we can’t find heaven, I’ll walk through hell with you
Love, you’re not alone, ’cause I’m gonna stand by you

I’ll be your eyes when yours can’t shine
I’ll be your arms, I’ll be your steady satellite
And when you can’t rise, well, I’ll cry with you on hands and knees
‘Cause I
(I’m gonna stand by you)

Even if we’re breaking down, we can find a way to break through (come on)
Even if we can’t find heaven, I’ll walk through hell with you
Love, you’re not alone, ’cause I’m gonna stand by you
Even if we can’t find heaven, I’m gonna stand by you
Even if we can’t find heaven, I’ll walk through hell with you
Love, you’re not alone, ’cause I’m gonna stand by you
Love, you’re not alone
No, I’m gonna stand by you
(Even if we can’t find heaven, heaven, heaven)
I’m gonna stand by you

Who comes first?

Who comes first? I wonder.

Last night, actually 2 days ago, AG texted me that she’d love to go out. AG is someone I was talking about once on here, someone who will ask me to be there when she needs me. Who I will give my time to. The last time I went out with her was less than 2 weeks ago. We were out for 4 hours, she told me enough for me to know that something major had been going on in her life (she was way more free now though, from the sense I got), but she didn’t tell me what. I told her that it’s my issue if it fazes me. She wanted me to know but didn’t want to tell me.

Either way, on Sunday she texted me that she wants to go out. Which means a lot, for it’s not like her to want to go out with me if she just did. I don’t recall why Sunday didn’t work, I told her I could any day this week. Somehow she didn’t understand the message. I told her I could go out yesterday, including the entire evening. She only texted me at 9pm. Explaining why she hadn’t messaged me earlier to arrange a time and asking me if I could help her to tell me what the ‘it’ was all about for she really wanted to talk about it. I called her and told her I’m free tonight (Tuesday). She wanted to come over then, and I told her I’d fall asleep on her. I was exhausted.

That’s the background.

In bed I was thinking, wondering. If I did the right thing. I went to bed because I wanted to, knowing she really wanted to speak to me, and has no one else that she will speak to her. Knowing that if she was reaching out she needed me. I did tell her when I was available, and yes 9.30 is too late for me (it was already half past then) and yes I was exhausted, but was it really the right thing? I thought about if M or S would have asked me to be there for them. I would have been there. It wouldn’t have mattered that I was exhausted. I would have been there for them. If I could’ve done it for M or S I would’ve. So AG isn’t a friend as such. I don’t owe anything to her. So what? I went to bed knowing she wanted to talk to me – I think I only realised after I put down how much she needed it (so I texted her again asking if she wanted to go out, or come over in general and that I’ll try. She didn’t reply. If she had I would’ve asked if half an hour would be any help). No matter. I could’ve offered her to come over – I was too tired to drive or go out. I could’ve been there for her. I wasn’t because I decided that I came first. But, did I really?

Did I come first? Do I? I’m really not sure that I did the right thing and I’m wondering what I would do again. Not so much what I WOULD do in the same situation, but what I SHOULD do.

It’s way too weighted for me to work out on my own, for the backhistory to the question is my attitude in the past, based on my beliefs. I’m writing out letters to myself. The letter I was writing out yesterday was this one
You are not guilty. One of the things I’ve grown up with is guilt for living. Guilt for being. One of the principles underlying my life has always been that I can’t exist for myself, I have to exist for others, what I want is irrelevant (part of why I’ve so little idea now what I ever want, for I was never allowed to want). Another thing I’ve grown up with is shouldering responsibility that is absolutely not mine (and thereby not being able to take on the responsibility that is). It’s taken a really long time, and loads of repetition and patience of others – the same answer every single time I asked whether I should do something that would be detrimental for me for another who wanted it, that I shouldn’t do it, that I came first. I began acting on that – the motto that I come first – even though I knew it was wrong. Even though it was so completely wrong. I went, and sometimes live by, the other extreme. Not doing things for others that I could do just because I don’t want to (it’s not bad for me, and I could do it but I don’t want to).

The backhistory of this is that I wonder how much of this wondering what the right thing to do was is the guilt I would always feel at not giving the other what they want. I don’t know if I feel guilty per se now. I don’t think I do. I think I just wonder. Because sometimes in life the right thing is the thing that isn’t great for you. I’m thinking of when I called S over and asked her to throw away the cocodamol I had on my desk. Which she did. Calling her, I knew I was asking her to do something that wasn’t good for her. Something she’d be able to handle, but that wasn’t good for her, and therefore not good for our relationship either. I did it anyways. She did it anyways. Because in the situation, weighing it up, it was better that I asked her to do it and that she did it for me (there is no question in my mind that if she hadn’t thrown those away and borrowed all the rest I have for the next couple of nights that I would’ve used). Sometimes the right thing isn’t necessarily the best thing. If she said she came first then, it would have been the wrong thing. In general in life, my health has to come first. My well being has to come first. In general in life, I’m living that with the wider world, I still struggle a lot with it with my family and live by either extreme often enough.

AG isn’t in general. She was someone who asked me to be there for her. Who had no one else to ask, no one else that she would speak to in the way she wanted to speak to me and still wants to. I could’ve been there for her. I chose to go to bed coz’ I was exhausted. Not like going to bed helped for I’m virtually always tired – both physically and mentally. It would have taken a lot of my energy to speak to her. I could’ve handled it. I told S I’d be chewing her ear off after I spoke to AG (actually I probably won’t. I’ll probably be calling someone else to let it all go afterwards). I could’ve handled it if I’d decided that she came first. I decided I came first. I wonder though, did I? Do I?

Song of the day: What scars are for – Mandisa

I love this song. It makes it positive. Scars. In a sense. I don’t love the entire song for it’s way too religious for my liking (Mandisa is a Christian singer), yet I listen to it over and over.

These quotes are what the song means to me. So even though I don’t like the religious aspect of it, I love the song.

Lyrics

These scars aren’t pretty
But they’re a part of me
And will not ever fade away
These marks tell a story
Of me down in the valley
And how You reached in with Your grace
And healed me

They remind me of Your faithfulness
And all You brought me through
They teach me that my brokenness
Is something You can use
They show me where I’ve been
And that I’m not there any more
That’s what scars, that’s what scars are for
What scars are for

Erase, rewind
Wish I could every time
The hurt, the pain cuts so deep
But when I’m weak
You’re strong, and in Your power I can carry on
And my scars say that You won’t ever leave

They remind me of Your faithfulness
And all You brought me through
They teach me that my brokenness
Is something You can use
They show me where I’ve been
And that I’m not there any more
That’s what scars, that’s what scars are for

I see it ….
Scars can change the world
Scars can set me free

They remind me of Your faithfulness
And all You brought me through
They teach me that my brokenness
Is something You can use
They show me where I’ve been
And that I’m not there any more
That’s what scars, that’s what scars
You show me that’s what scars are for
What scars are for yeah
What scars are for (What scars are for)