In my last acts of kindness post I wrote about the water someone gave to me and was leaving the previous water for a new post. And, now that I’m thinking of it, there is the third water gift acts of kindness post I can write. I haven’t written one of these in a while… and I’m glad to do it now.
I was in the airport in a foreign country. I had gone through security and wanted to buy myself a bottle of water from the machine. I went to the machine with my euros to buy it. Except that, I couldn’t, for the machine only took cards. It didn’t recognise my card either…
A guy saw and I think I asked him about it. He bought me a bottle with his card, and didn’t take my money from me, but gave me the water.
What act of kindness can you do for someone this week? What act of kindness has someone done for you in the past week?
In the past week, someone met me outside the krav maga class, someone bought me a treat, and loads of people smiled at me. It’s the little things that make the biggest difference…
I wasn’t sure how to order the pictures so put it in the order I took them. Sorta. And from least favourite to favourite. Went for a 5 min run during my break today around this park which is a minute or two away from work.
This tree is awesome there was more ivy coloured stuff – if this is ivy – but I only take pictures of what I love.
I’m freaking out. Not for any reason. Writing this is focusing me. Friend asked me to come say hello. Not sure if I can – as in, if I’ll be able to hold myself together enough. Gonna get out the car and say hello to her. Even though, I dunno. I don’t know what I want from her. I made an appointment to speak to someone on Thursday. I don’t think it’ll be helpful, mainly coz he sounded like he was making this appointment as a favour for the aforementioned friend. Yesterday dermatology appointment was okay and krav maga which I was panicking about before and it was okay. Gonna go to said friends house now for a few minutes – I went to say hello in the car park and she asked if I can come over. I will have to ask her another time what I am like when I’m on edge. And just, every moment is a new moment.
I planned on writing a F:AK post today but forgot about it because I haven’t been feeling great. There went desert for this shabbat 🙂 but I have the ingredients to make it next week.
Are there ever times you don’t really remember what happened? I don’t mean dissociation or amnesia due to disassociation. I mean like, I went on a private online journal I had to write and saw I’d written this morning and was like ‘what, I didn’t write this morning’, then remembered that I had, and then recalled writing on my phone. Well, I didn’t and don’t really recollect writing on my phone, I remember some of it. And know that it was on my phone since I don’t have my laptop. It’s also like, I know I burned myself last Friday night, but I know that because I saw that I’d written it. And now that I saw that I’d written it I actually remember what I did (actually nothing much at all), which is memory for I didn’t write it all down. But I wouldn’t have known about it if I hadn’t seen it written there and actually had forgotten about it.
It’s why, a couple of years ago I made a rule for myself that I couldn’t/shouldn’t write anything or text anyone or do anything in the middle of the night. For I’d done enough stupid things when I’d woken up at night that in the light of day were regrettable. Some regrettable, and some completely unnecessary if I was anyways going to fall asleep soon enough and not really recall what was the next day. Like, if alcohol was something I used, it’d be a waste of time to drink it if I would fall asleep and it’d have made no difference to my life, whereas if in the day I wanted to, it’d be a conscious choice.
I guess it’s that I’m not fully present at certain times – in the night/morning/awake or whatever. I don’t really think it happens other times. It’s just, I don’t really know what to make of it, and by writing this I’m actually acknowledging it, though probably also making it into a much bigger deal than it really is. For it’s not like it’s a part of my regular life. It’s not like I live this way, which, I used to live in a world where I wasn’t present and wondered if I were really real. It’s not like that now. I don’t know. I’m trying to backtrack on what I’m saying and explain what I mean but I’m not sure if this is making much sense to anyone but myself. It’s also that, it’s not really a part of my usual life, it’s only when I’m a mess – which for the most part however much I’m not especially where I want to be, I don’t consider that mess to be my everyday life.
This week I really haven’t used anything or self harmed at all. I don’t know what tonight/tomorrow brings, and I guess we’ll find out.
Happy weekend! Shabbat shalom 🙂 Spread the sunshine, glitter and sparkle…..
I haven’t messed up this week at all. No burning. No cocodamol to help me burn. Which, I was every day/evening until now. I don’t want to jinx it. I’m not committing to anything, but, I like it this way. It means sleeping less – not been sleeping well, and at some point I have to deal with everything else and why – what lies behind it all. I’m grateful for this. Especially coz there is so much going on and I’m grateful that I can be present.
Arranged for dermatology appointment on Monday. Kinda nervous for it coz of all the scars. Because they aren’t scars yet since they’re not healed. I wish it were my legs then it wouldn’t be seen… passed experience at these services before means it will be seen and I really don’t want it. Not sure what I can do…
Ps. The title has no connection, just wasn’t sure what to title this.
Today is a new day. Exhausted. I’m finding work really long…. I’m enjoying some of what I do, not all. I think if I ever feel like I’m getting somewhere with one of my groups then I’ll be happy. I just find them draining because it drags and I feel like I’m getting absolutely nowhere. The next are fine – rambunctious, exhausting, they’re learning! The next and last have finally caught up to standard – they’re up to where they supposedly were at the beginning of the year, the last months have just been review. Now they can begin learning something new. Interesting for me to see what they’re better at and where their strengths and weaknesses lie, because finally getting somewhere. And my morning I like though it may be changing again. At the moment I teach science and language. Science is a lot of learning myself because I can’t teach it until I fully understand it myself. Which when I grasp it I actually enjoy. So I now know about forces, measuring speed and moments. I know about metals. I know what I never did know. Or if I did I long forgot. I actually didn’t do well in physics in school. I love learning. I love knowledge. My timetable may change yet again though and we will see what is.
Not been sleeping as well. Do you think it is that I havent been messing up? I haven’t self harmed – I was going to erase that and change to burned but truth is that it is self harm regardless if I want to accept it as such – in 3 entire says. Maybe only 2.5. Or used. And it’s major. It’s, it’s that I need to burn, and it’s not what I want for my life. And the not wanting it for my life overrides the need. Which until now it was the opposite. The need was more than the ‘I don’t want this for my life’s. So for now I haven’t and we will find out what is. And I’m kinda proud/appreciate it. Just don’t want to make it into a bigger deal than it is.
My arm is a lot better. Keeping it protected and trying not to pick all the scabs. I’m wondering if picking will cause worse scarring and if I’m lucky most won’t scar.
I really don’t want or like the scars. I thought I could buy a krav maga t shirt I want and add on some coloured sleeves. People at the class bought themselves krav maga tshirts and I think it’s pretty cool and would love one. I won’t wear it short sleeved especially not now when the scars are all new, it’s not a statement of where I’ve been which I’m more okay making publicly, more where I’m at. Asides that it would probably be repellent to people. A good way of dealing with the anxiety of being at the class – keep people away from me. Anyways, so I was thinking about how to get a tshirt and can add sleeves, either like a blue to the black – they are black – or 2 different colours, each sleeve a different colour. I could make the sleeves until the elbow, though that would look weird, as there is a bit of sleeves, so maybe 3/4 length. I should just but one for myself! Can get bigger and tie in a knot at the bottom – what a lot of people there were doing, or smaller and more fitted. Okay, I’ve now decided to buy it.
I spoke on the phone to a friend for an hour. Was interesting coz I was literally about to write her a card, had the card in front of me, just had to get a pen, and she called.
I wonder what I’ll do next week krav maga without my friend. I want to go. I really want to go. I’m not sure how to hear myself up to it. I wish there were someone going I can ask for a lift there so that I’d have it arranged and just go. I never really knew that I lived with anxiety, although I always knew, well for the last few years, that I’ve social anxiety I never knew it affected my life. I guess coz for the most part it doesn’t since for the most part I never ever out of what is safe for me. And occasionally I really push myself, and occasionally however much I want something I just can’t do it. It’s funny for there are some things that others don’t like doing that I just have no issue with. It’s why I wouldn’t necessarily diagnose myself with social anxiety for it doesn’t always have an effect on my life.
I actually arranged to go to have a lesson with someone tomorrow. If I keep to it. It’s meant to be something fun for us both, and if we can keep it up maybe I’ll get a new friend – the friends for fun kinda friend, which will be good, not to be too intense.
I need a dermatology appointment and I called then up and they said I missed an appointment and have been discharged. I didn’t get any letter and was calling to follow up. They gave me a number to call tomorrow and I’m hoping and praying that I get one and don’t have to go through a referral again for that would take months on end. This appointment that I hadn’t known about was 6 months after the referral.. and it really has to be sorted out… the one good thing is that I didn’t know about it for I don’t know if I could have gone, dunno if there would have been a way for them not to see my arms.
And I should get into pjs instead of lying in bed not in pjs. I hope to get some sleep tonight. The last few nights have been really restless. although, I turned off my phone before going to sleep and didn’t turn it on even when up for seemingly hours!
Every day is a new day. I’m kinda beginning to look forward to what could and will be. Some point in time I have to make a plan, but that’s when I have enough headspace. And time! Its busy here with good things that are just taking time. It’ll be busier as time moves on and then slower and then busier as different seasons come and go. Ebb and flow.
I wonder how disjointed this all is. Or if it all flows. Sometimes it’d be good if I reread what I wrote.
I’m grateful I have this space. To journal. To be. I don’t give it to myself at the moment so I’m really grateful I can and am here.
I’m feeling a bit bad that I haven’t been following others blogs at the moment. And, just saying that I do care. That I think about you. That I wish I were fully following. And that when I can I will be. When I can just be. Which, it seems more and more doable, and if it continues this way, it will be doable, coz I’ll actually be there.
Some day I’m going to have to deal with what triggered or lies behind the past couple of months I don’t know what does and I’m not sure if I want to know. One day I do want to for unless I deal with it, it’ll stay there and rule my life. But that isn’t today. So I don’t need to worry about it now. And, yeah. Thanks for listening :).
My arm is really hurting. I think the blister peeled, it wasn’t intentional, I’m not sure how it happened, and it’s just hurting. There isn’t anything I can do about it, or that I even want to do. It’s just a constant awareness of my arm.
I’ve been burning a little less. Sleeping more. I’m so grateful for sleep. Who knew how grateful one had to be for sleep? I’m so grateful for I’ve been falling asleep at night, for the past week. I’ve actually been able to go to sleep. And the not being able to go to sleep is what has kept me up more than anything else. So I’m grateful, that I have been able to sleep.
I took pictures of the hot chocolate fudge cake I made today so that I can post the recipe for TA, who I’ve told I’ll do it for.
I need to order shoes that I put in a basket, I know I want the shoes, I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. Maybe coz’ they’re expensive. I should just order them already.
My hand – it’s my arm really – is hurting.
I’ve been needing to burn a little less. It’s not as constant and, it’s not the only thing in my world. A month ago, that’s all there was. Today, that isn’t all there is. There’s work – I’m present at work. I’m enjoying, mostly, what I’m teaching. I enjoy my morning job, I don’t enjoy the afternoon as much. I’m loving learning – I have to learn the material and really know it to be able to teach it.
I wonder if my arm will stop throbbing me?
2020. Why’m I suddenly moving on to here? I have a lot of plans for the year. I’ve been trying to get through to my GP and it’s a little impossible to do so. I’m not sure why I’m even trying to for it’s not like I’ll get through. Yesterday my friend said to me that when she told someone what I’d taken the person said it couldn’t be for I wouldn’t have been talking to her then. I laughed. Because this is a couple of weeks ago before I went away (and I was up all night, and then throwing up nothing for a few hours, but later on), because, I’ve taken a lot more than that before. And whoever had said that to her obviously didn’t know what they were talking about. I took that and more for over a month – daily. Gradually upping the amount. It was never enough. I don’t want to use. I actually occasionally think about it. Taking more than just then. I don’t want to more than I do want to. I want to live in this world and be present more than that.
I was listening to a class by R’ Yitzchak Berkowitz. He was talking about ‘souls’. I was planning on writing an entire blog post on this. There are 3 parts to the soul, or 3 different souls. Whatever you want to call it. There’s the part of you that is made up of the DNA and is alive. Is conscious and aware and living – the part that animals live with. There’s the part of you that is pure spirit – the energy and consciousness that is a part of the energy and consciousness of the spirit of the universe, that is completely if you want to use the word spiritual, or part of the world, or part of the source of the world, however you describe it. And there is the ‘ruach’ the part of you that combines the 2. Where free will lies. Animals follow the rules of behaviourism. People don’t. Because people are made up of both parts and it’s the ‘ruach’, what is called the spirit of the person that joins/combines/connects the two, and makes choices drawing on both parts.
I’m not sure what I wanted to write about that , I had a whole lot to say.
This week has been good. Back to work. I tried calling up the IAPT service and left a message, about doing a mindfulness course. I’ve done one once upon a time and would love to do another. I really should call up someone I’m thinking of and ask him for advice. But I’m not. Not yet.
I miss one of my friends. I haven’t spoken to her in ages. I’ll be seeing her on Sunday and I wonder if we’ll get to speak. I miss her. We used to have a lot to do with each other because of work. Now that we don’t work together we don’t see one another. She doesn’t need anything from me.
I was talking to a friend the other day. About life. About how it’s not all or nothing. There is no end destination. I felt like I was sharing with her all that I’ve had to learn these past few weeks. That there’s no end destination. That it’s about the journey. That she can set an intention for what she’d like to be and the awareness of it will help it to happen. That putting something out there allows it to come to you. She wanted to know if I believed in ‘that kinda stuff’ and I explained to her that I did, and why. For there has to be an infinity/source, and our existence, the existence of this universe has to be a part of that infinity/source, therefore we’re all connected, the entire universe boils down to energy and we’re all part of that energy. So putting out energy, or allowing ourselves to receive energy, does bring it to you. I know that I’ve worked through so much of what I know just through osmosis. Just by living and being. That my understanding of the universe isn’t necessarily based on the texts I’ve read or classes I’ve listened to. That by setting my intention that I’m ready to learn, to know, and grow, it’s happened. I know that last year I said my goal for the year was to be responsible for myself. To own my choices. To take responsibility. I know that I’m doing that. Nowhere near as much as I should – there are things I want to do in order to take care of myself and don’t have the energy or headspace to even though I know I should. In many ways I’m taking care of myself more than I used to. And it’s not all a choice. It’s an attitude shift by deciding I want it to be that way. It’s coming to me by being ready for it. And I’m learning that it’s a journey. That there is no end destination. Everything is so disconnected. I guess that’s why this is a ramble and not a specific point. I can sometimes stay on point.
Krav maga classes are starting again! I’m really looking forward to it. I’ll probably be paying for my friend to come with me. She doesn’t have the money for it. Neither do I if I’m honest but I’m looking at it as the class is double the price. The last of the introductory sessions she couldn’t come. And, I just couldn’t go. I couldn’t go alone however much I wanted to. I just couldn’t face it – and I like the instructor and the people who were doing it. Therefore, if I want to go – and I do. It’s good for me to go out. It’s good for me to learn new things. It’s good for me to exercise. If I want to go, it’s worth it for me to pay for us both. I’ll have to ask her if she’s okay with me mentioning it to the instructor, for the instructor may either subsidise the cost or say she doesn’t have to pay (which will mean I don’t have to). There may be another free exercise class which will be cool for us to go to. One day I want to be able to go alone. If it’s a set group of a few people and it’s prearranged that I’m going I’d be okay going alone, but it’s not like that. I’m not sure what it’s about (yeah, I know it’s social anxiety) but it’s definitely not something I’m working on but I’m working around it, instead. Social anxiety doesn’t usually run my life. There are some things I don’t do because of it. And there are things I push myself to do in spite of it – if I want it enough, or just because I’m scared, or if it’s important enough. And there are the things I miss out on because of it. Though this is the only example recently. The other time was a few months ago when I didn’t go to an evening I half wanted to go to.
Anyways, I’m not sure why I’m rambling anymore, or that it’s even saying anything…
My arm is hurting still and I’m not sure what to do about it – as in I’ve put on savlon and protected it, and not sure there is anything else that I can do.
My internet has just cut down so finishing writing this on my phone. Which means no linking posts and comments may not work.
On to other news, I just paid £100 on some skin care products – wash, toner and serum. Matis. One hundred pounds!!!!! Included in the price is high frequency for a couple of minutes once a week. I’m not sure if it will do anything for my skin, but it can’t harm to try. Honestly, I think you can get cheaper facial products that are as good, but I want the high frequency and the beautician selling it does them both together. It can’t harm me to use the stuff twice a day, and I’m really hoping to get rid of the redness and scarring. I know it probably won’t get rid of the acne, for it’s not treating the cause, but it’s a gamble or investment. I wasn’t going to do it for it’s so much money, then realised that I’m worth the risk. Even if it’s a 5th of my monthly wage. Rambling way too much.
I’m grateful for this space. This space to journal. This space to be. The people who are so nice, and supportive, and real and genuine. I haven’t been following most blogs. I have more headspace. My mindset is okay. Way more okay. I’m in a more okay space. And I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful for the sunshine. For the moments of beauty. Someone commented something on SF that I thought was really good. That in dark tines we discount the beauty as irrelevant or not real when we should be celebrating each moment of light and expanding on it. It reminded me of my reasons to live site and the purpose of it. To make the beauty and positivity the central aspect. It’s not always so easy or possible, but noticing the good, trying to, when you can’t, has and will have a cumulative effect.
And I thought I was rambling before… I guess it’s okay as most people wont be reading this. Thank you to you 🙂 (who is/did)