Dialogue with myself (Trigger warning – self harm)

Why did you buy cocodamol?

I want it. (Stamps imaginary foot in head)

You’re allowed to want it

I’m not.

You’re allowed to want everything Eliza. Literally everything.

I’m not

Eliza, you’re allowed to want everything.

I can’t.

What can’t you?

Be.

Okay. You can though.

Not.

Am I going to change your mind?

You can’t. It’s a fact.

It’s a belief Eliza. Not a fact. A belief you know to be truth. A belief I know to be false. It’s a belief. That I’m not going to change today.

Okay.

What do you want?

To be.

And you think you can’t.

I know I can’t.

So you want it and believe you can’t have it. What does that do?

The ever present contradiction.

Both can be true.

I think I know that.

So why did you buy cocodamol?

Coz I wanted to, and I wanted to say yes rather than all the constant no’s.

What are the ‘no’s?

To self harming. I want to self harm. And I’m not.

Well done Eliza.

You don’t get to say that.

Why not?

Coz’ I’m not for you. I don’t want to hear anything from you about it; it just makes me angry and frustrated.

Okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were either angry or frustrated.

I’m not.

Huh?

I’m not angry or frustrated.

So what are you?

I hate you.

You’re allowed to hate me.

Resentful

You’re resentful?

I resent you. I hate you. I’m angry with/at you. I’m frustrated with you. I’m not angry or frustrated in general.

Okay. I love you Eliza. Can I ask you why?

Coz’ I’m being good for you.

What does ‘good’ mean?

I’m staying in the light and not engaging much in the dark. Coz’ that’s what you want.

So you hate me coz’ you’re giving it to me?

Yes.

What do you want?

To live my life the way I want to live it.

How do you want to live it?

With the force of destruction

Why?

Coz’ that’s what I deserve. That’s what I know. That’s where reality is. Not in your world of fluffy pink clouds.

You do sound annoyed. Eliza, remember that you’re allowed to want anything. If you will tell me one of all the things you want, can you tell me one? What is one thing you want?

Destruction

Can you describe to me one thing – what you want to do?

Take a candle and light it and do 2 things with it. I’d need 3 hands for it. I’d want to use the flame to burn my arms. Let the flame burn the skin, and let the wax drip elsewhere. It’d have to be not the typical candles we have at home but candles that the wax remains hot and hurts and burns when it touches the skin for the candles at home don’t do that. I’d cover one arm from shoulder to wrist with wax and the other arm from shoulder to wrist would be burned so that all the skin is shrivelled and melted.

Thank you for sharing that. Out of 10 how much do you want it?

10.

So what is stopping you?

You.

Eliza, I’m not the only thing stopping you. What else is stopping you?

It is also you. But, I want to believe in you.

What do you want to believe?

I kinda do believe. In hope. In life. In possibility. In choosing a life. In creating a life for myself. I just, I can’t.

What can’t you?

I can’t create a life for myself.

You don’t have to.

I want to.

You don’t have you yet. You’ve got time Eliza. All the time in the world. You’ll get there one day.

After I’ve destroyed myself/

Why don’t you want to destroy yourself?

I want to see all that can be.

You deserve to see all that can be.

I don’t.

I believe you do and I’m allowed to believe whatever I want to believe.

Are you okay Eliza?

Yeah. Just tired. (calmer and okay)

I love you. You’re always worth it and I’m always with you. Love you….

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Reblog: Britain goes metric. Except where it doesn’t — Notes from the U.K.

I loved and laughed my way through this post by Notes from the UK. I spent an age trying to figure how to reblog it.


Britain adopted the metric system in 1965.

Mostly.

How well has it worked? In 2015, 60% of eighteen- to twenty-four-year-olds didn’t know their weight in kilos; 54% didn’t know their height in centiwhatsits or in a combination of centiwhatsits and full-grown whatsits. For reasons I won’t pretend to understand, the slightly older group, twenty-five- to […]

All this–or the data part of it anyway–is from a YouGov poll. No one can say YouGov dodges the important issues. The poll also reports that the middle class […]

From this I gather that the upper class is too good to take surveys. […]

via Britain goes metric. Except where it doesn’t — Notes from the U.K.

54225797 – I’m not sure what the numbers mean.

I want to text RR and ask if we can speak. I’m scared to text, though I know he’ll say okay and that even if he doesn’t respond I’m no worse off than I am now, for at the moment I’m not in touch.

Made a follow up appointment with this person who came last Monday for Thursday. Next Thursday I’ve a GP appointment.

My world is a mixture of good and bad. Darkness is just a lack of light.

So long as there is life there is hope.

Love, light and glitter

Eliza

The word god – Part 7

God. The word itself is filled with so much meaning. The word ‘god’ brings up different things for different people. Some people will associate it with love, others cruelty, and anything in between. I know I’ve written about this before. Who is god? What is god?

Who is god

I hate the word ‘god’ for it’s so generic and people put all their preconceived notions on it. Someone asked me why I talk about Judaism and not Yiddishkeit (translation: Judaism). I tried to explain it to her. Which I shouldn’t have. ‘Yiddishkeit’ is tainted to me. It could be that once I’ve created my own relationship with it, it will be different. It’s a bit like ‘god’. It took me until I’d created my own definition of the word to use it.

God, to me, means the infinity that is the constant source of the world (constant for limit, time, is only in this world). God means whatever I’m learning it means. I’m working through what that is. As I left off part 6, god is the light, darkness is the limit. I don’t know much about god. I know what I perceive. I know this entire world is a reflection of god.

Of the god I create. It’s not that I create it, but that I create my understanding of it by working through it.

The word ‘god’ and a host of religious words are tainted by the religion. I think what happens most often is that the religious people think they’re acting in accordance with the religion when really they’re going against it all. A lot of religious people confuse the culture with religion.

God. What does the word mean? It means whatever I want it to mean. And that’s a work in progress.

To be continued…

Darkness isn’t an entity on its own

I googled it. After writing about it when looking up about god. Strange to think now is when I’m using it.

Darkness

Darkness
It calls my name
Tells me it’s my friend
Darkness
It wants me to be
A part
It want me to be one with it
Darkness

Darkness isn’t an entity itself. It’s just a lack. A lack of light.

If darkness is just the absence of light, seems like the antidote would be to bring some light into the world. I don’t know how. I don’t know how. But it must be possible.

So long as there’s life, there’s hope.

Love, light and glitter

Eliza

The one who heals…

I really loved this post. I found it inspiring and hopeful.
What I loved too was the realisation, differentiation, between destruction and self.
There’s always hope. As one of my old signature lines used to be: So long as there’s life, there’s hope. Let’s hope this actually gets posted 🙂

Between the lines

demon-drawing-depression-7The little girl was standing on the balcony a little too close to the edge, but, this time, sadness was stronger than fear. She always avoided the highs, the peaks, the sharp edges, the tall surfaces. Anything that would get her close to falling…

She heard the voice, louder and clearer, it brought chills to her spine, it always did. She knew she’s just a step away, but, this time, anger was stronger than panic. She wiped away her tears, there was nothing left to lose, only a life she no longer considered worthy of living…

Not like this.

So she climbed to the highest surface, the place that turns the city lights into small candles disappearing in the darkness. Her heart was spiraling into a place where love fades away in more than one overwhelming way…

You did well so far. 

She tried to silence the voice, but it…

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Navigating relationships in my world

Navigating relationships. Well, I’ve titled the thread before writing anything at all. I know what I want to write about. I wonder if there’s a point writing about it. If it will help me. Or anyone. Or if it will make any difference. If it can.

Yesterday I went out with someone. I’d been on edge and had decided to just hold on. She called me to go out, she’d asked me earlier and I assumed she needed to speak. AG is one person I’d go out of my way for. I’ve written about it elsewhere on my blog. She asked me to go for a walk. I was on edge. I told her I could give her a half hour. She spent 40 minutes trying to get the courage to tell me that she didn’t think it was healthy for me to work through what I believe. It threw me a lot. That’s not the point. I know that it’s healthy and I’m sad for her that she thinks it’s unhealthy. I thanked her for being brave and courageous enough to share what she was thinking. The point I’m coming to is that as I was journaling today I said that I feel like she’s ruined the relationship we had. I honestly do feel as though she has ruined the relationship. Which, also seems extreme to me.

It’s reminding me of RR. Those who have been following this blog may remember RR. He used to be there for me. Then I was brave enough to ask him why he went behind me back and had lied to me. He explained it to me. I forgive him and understand why he did what he did. I don’t think it was the only option he had, I understand why he thought it was. I haven’t been in touch with him since. I haven’t been in touch with him for I don’t know how to reach out. And primarily because he wasn’t there for me. Because he let me down enough times that in my mind he wasn’t a part of my life anymore. It’s why I didn’t mind asking him about his betrayal of my trust, for I knew he couldn’t ruin what didn’t exist. For there was no relationship. Which also makes very little sense. For we had a relationship. We probably still have a relationship – one that has just taken a hiatus. He did let me down. He told me he’d do stuff that he didn’t do. He didn’t respond and wasn’t there. Which means he isn’t there, wasn’t there. Which is again, extreme and black and white. For he always was there. For all the times he didn’t respond there are the times he reached out to me. Yet he wasn’t there. And I don’t know what is my issue and what is real.

I’m thinking of all the relationships, primarily online, actually, no, in real life too, in which people were a part of my life, and then they weren’t there any longer. Some of these people, I know that they left. A lot of them, most, I always knew they left. Now I wonder. They weren’t there. So the relationship didn’t exist in my mind and it meant I never reached out (if they’d reached out it’d still be there). I’m tired of thinking.

The reason RR has been so much on my mind recently is that I want guidance regarding a couple of things and he is the perfect person to ask. He is the only person I know who knows me, who has taken on the role in life of guiding others with such, who knows my life, my family and where I’m coming from. So I’ve been thinking of him. Every post I write working through what I believe I wish I could share with him. He’d be so proud. I can’t share it with him. Not because of him. Because of me. Because I can’t reach out. It’s not actually that I won’t, I plan on discussing it with my friend (I’m referencing a friend 15 years my senior here) and getting her advice on this specific situation. It’s not the specifics I’m thinking of. Well I am too.

I’m realising the way I’m reacting. Knowing that I’ve never seen it before. Having no idea what is my issue and what isn’t. Having no idea when it’s another person at ‘fault’ or me, because ultimately I can’t trust myself when it comes to relationships. The funny thing, or contradictory thing, is that at the very same time as all this is true. I’ve lost so many relationships and miss everyone and feel so lonely and feel like everyone has left me whilst I care about them they just don’t care. The other side is that at the same time as that’s happening, I’ve been building some really solid, healthy, balanced relationships with a couple of people. I’ve been rebuilding a relationship with someone that was wrecked – something I never thought I’d ever be able to do, repair bridges and make something so healthy out of something broken. I’m building healthy relationships with my family, and appreciating them. I’ve been learning what boundaries are and learning to keep my own boundaries and express to others in my life who constantly cross them that they’re crossing them (not that it helps, but I’m doing my part).

I’m doing both. Which is kinda weird. I’m seeing, learning, that I’ve had a part in getting rid of so many relationships I care so much about. I was going to say ruined, but a lot of the relationships aren’t ruined, there was no wreckage involved, they’re just non-existent. I’m seeing that a lot of them is probably down to me. I’m seeing that it’s all or none for me. I’m sad to see that. I’m sad because of how much I miss all these people. And I’m building healthy, balanced, solid relationships with people. Seems strange to be able to do both things at the same time.

I started off writing this post really sad. Sad to see this. Sad especially because I don’t know what to do now about a couple of relationships. Now, I’m no longer sure what I feel. I don’t know what to do with the knowledge either. Especially as I really don’t know what’s down to me and what’s down to others. I’m thinking of a couple of people I was always hurt by that I wasn’t a part of them. I eventually learned that it was because I wasn’t present, and as I became present (in the world) and as I learned to join them, I became more a part. I always still sensed a distance but blamed myself, until another random observer told me that she saw the distance and objectively it’s not from me, but from them being a unit to my exclusion (I still join them). I never know what’s down to me and what’s down to others. It’s all a tangle. Of wires and confusion. That I’m not actually going to be trying to unravel at the moment. I’m going to try deal with the present (like figuring out whether to reach out to RR and how to go about it). Anything else is relegated to the back burner. For asides for when I journal, which helps me figure it out, I’m not going to think about it. Still sad.

Love, light and glitter

Bag we’re sewing part 4

I wonder if this interests anyone at all. If it doesn’t interest you please skip.

I was exhausted after this. Spent 1 and a half hours really concentrating…

We pinned the third pocket together. It was a job pinning it, ensuring the pocket would be longer one way so that the zip would close.

We sewed down the sides

And overlocked the edges- overclocking cuts off material too and stops it from fraying.

We finished sewing and overlocking the edges of the first pocket

And we overlocked the edges of the zip – the edge in here is the zip, lining and material sewn together.

We chose not to fix the mess I made – my student chose – rather we will be cutting the bag smaller so that the flap won’t be too small. Fixing would have entailed unpicking 2 rows of stitching, pinning again, tacking, and finally sewing again – hopefully in the right place. We didn’t do that.

Next time – I’m hoping for Friday – we will sew the sides of the bag together. Actually first we sew the handle onto the material. The handle and the flap. Then we will sew some of the bag.

I’m thinking of sewing the pockets to the bag of material. What do you think? Should the lining pockets be attached to the denim or easy to turn inside out?

I’m really excited to be getting to the end.

SBA – Thank you for being you.

Sunshine blogger award.

I know plenty of people don’t do these posts, so, it’s not for you to actually continue the chain (well you can if you want to), rather it’s my way of telling you what you mean to me. I wasn’t sure if I was going to do this post or not, but I’ve decided to, on my own terms. I’m using this post as a thank you. I hate doing such posts because I know I’ll inevitably miss people out. Presumably the most important. I’ll have to decide whether to actually post or not because of this. Okay, I’ve decided to post this. Knowing that most the people tagged won’t see it (as I’m not letting them know) and knowing I’ve left out most the newer people I’d include. I wrote this a while ago, so there are a lot of people I’d add (if you think I’m thinking of you I am) but if I don’t post it now I never will, because it’s never possible to really include everyone.

Thank you Kayla and Have you ever noticed for tagging me here

Thank you for showing me what it means to continue on:

You will bear witness
Dancing in the rain
Rubber bands and Chewing gum
Maybe it hasn’t started yet

Thank you for inspiring me

Free to be V
Life as a garden
Herding chickens

Thank you for being here in my blogosphere. I really appreciate it.

Walking, writing, wit and whimsy
Invisibly me
Aroused

Thank you for reading

Bandito
Anxious man
The eclectic contrarian
Chai and biscuits
Between the lines
My wellbeing and learning journey
Untipsy teacher
Taajaca

Thank you for contributing to reasons to live and helping it to be what it is

Survival through faith

Some questions for anyone reading this post, I’d love to hear your answers. Feel free to answer here, or on our own blog.

  • If you would create a new society what would the principles/basis/rules of this society be?
  • If you had the chance to do something, anything, in your life over, what would it be?
  • What about yourself do you like best? I mean more personality/trait wise.
  • If you could give one piece of advice to anyone what would it be.
  • If you had a few hours spare time every day and money being given to you to spend every single day – not for yourself since you’ve been given other money for yourself and your eternal future – how would you ideally use this time and money?

Love, light and glitter

Eliza

Hold on

I’m just re-reading the last letter, 2nd to last actually, that I wrote to myself. I really need to hear it at the moment.

I’m tired. I just did something really stupid. I chose to do something stupid. I’d eaten way too much junk and was feeling nauseous….. and however much I’m trying to be healthy with food and not do anything about it if I eat too much, it’s also not something I’m really trying to stay away from. So now I want to mess up. It’s interesting for me to see, for I don’t think throwing up usually makes me want to mess up so badly, but now it does – or not it has. And it’s my own actions that has brought me here. I’m just tired. And I need to be journaling and dealing with what’s going on more than I have been doing.

Hold on Eliza, always. It is worth it. This journey is worth it. It’s a journey filled with ups and downs. It’s a journey of learning,. Of learning who you are. Remember that letter you wrote to yourself about the journey? It is a journey. One I am so grateful you are taking. It so could have been otherwise. You could have given in any point along the way. Yet, you didn’t. You held on.

You held on.

Hold on to life Eliza. Hold on to how worth it you, and this journey you are travelling, is and will be.

I’m looking forward to being with you on this ride. You are one of the most awesome people I have met and I’m looking forward to getting to know you. I’m looking forward to discovering who you are. I’m looking forward. To see where life can and will take us.

Just hold on.

letter to myself

Just hold on. I know it will pass. I know it always does pass. I know the only way for it to pass is for me to live with it, live through it, and let it be. I know I’ve done it before. I know I can do it now too. I’m tired. And tomorrow is another day.