Welcome to a new day. Of possibility. Of hope. Of sunshine.
I just wanted to drop you a line to tell you how proud I am of you. I’m proud that you’re here. I’m proud of you for choosing life, or not choosing death- the easy way out. I’m proud of you for practicing mindfulness. I’m proud of you for showing up. I’m proud of you for distracting yourself. I’m proud of you for focusing why live. (Instagram – reasons to live) I’m proud of you for reaching out to others. I’m proud of you for trying to get help. I’m proud of you for letting go of those who you wanted to be here for you and who aren’t. I’m proud of you for keeping a lot more to your boundaries. I’m proud of you for trying to do good things. I’m proud of you E no matter what your choices are. I’m proud of you because you’re trying, even if you believe there is only ‘do’ or ‘don’t’ and you’re not ‘doing’. Because E, because you ARE doing. You’re practicing mindfulness every single day. You’re reaching out to others however infrequently. You’re journaling however infrequently. You’ve joined a once a week ACA call (6 weeks). You’ve called others. You’re writing gratitudes. You’re writing reasons to live. You’re eating more and letting yourself however much you hate and guilt yourself for it. You’re changing your self talk and are more aware of thought spirals. You are here. That is called ‘doing’. So there is only ‘do’ or ‘don’t’ and not try. You are doing E. You’re doing life.
I love you E. And I’m with you always. I will always be with you. I will always love you. You’ll never be alone for you’ll always have me with you.
I believe in you and I know you’ll get there. You will live life. You will live a life of love. You will live a life of peace. You will live life without destruction. You will live a life of hope. You will live a life of giving. You will live a life of rebuilding. You will live a life of creation. You will live a life of beauty. You will live a life of connection – connection to yourself, to others, to your inner consciousness, and the consciousness of the world. You will live a life of choice. You will live a life of embracing your responsibilities. You will live a life without others responsibilities. You will live a life of freedom. You will live a life of living. So long as you’re here, so long as you choose life, you will live life. You will live a life.
I’m glad you’re here. I’m grateful to be on this journey. And I’m hopeful for where this journey could lead.
I’m with you always E, and I will be with you always. Through the ups and through the downs. Keep rebuilding. Take the pieces and create something new. You get to choose what your life will look like. Build something beautiful E. You are beautiful. I hope you can let your life reflect that beauty.
When you shatter your world into pieces, you get to choose which pieces to pick up. Which pieces to include into your life. You can discard all the parts that harmed you. Don’t use them as part of the infrastructure. Use just the good. Just the helpful.
I’m so proud of you E. Proud of you for holding on through the destruction, and not letting destruction take over your world completely. As you said, you can always go back to destructions embrace. I’m proud of you for reaching out to others, or trying to. I’m proud of you for all the learning and processing you are doing. A candle in the darkness shines so much light. I’m proud of you for believing in yourself, in hope, in your ability to create a new life for yourself. I’m proud of you for choosing life.
Yes, you’re living with destruction in some sense. You’re not eating enough and you’re ODing daily. You’re also eating more. You are also eating all foods. Maybe not enough calories, but you’re eating all foods, bot just 2 or 3. You’re trying to use less. Go for longer stretches without taking any cocodamol.
You want to reach out more than you have. And you don’t know how to. You don’t know what the right thing to do is. And E, you’re trying. Is trying enough? I don’t know. I don’t know if trying is enough, but trying is all there is. Trying is all there is.
And yes E, you reached out. Think about the people who were here for you. Who held a light that showed you ‘there is a world beyond destruction’. They could only do that because you reached out. Because you were honest and vulnerable. Yes, GP has failed you. That is NOT your fault. Trusting his advice not to go privately isn’t your fault either. You can make new choices.
Life is a choice. And it’s the most important choice. I’m glad to have you here E. I’m glad to have you on this journey. I’m grateful to be on this journey with you.
Ignore those who don’t understand you. Let them laugh at you or be afraid of your thinking. That is their problem. Not yours. You do what is right for you. When what is right for you will destroy others? I don’t know. That can be added to the list of things you need some practical advice and guidance on.
I love you E. I love you so very much. I love you with all my heart. And I will always love you. There is nothing you can ever do that will ever take away my love. My love for you is not conditional. My love for you is unconditional.
I love you E. I see you. I see your beauty. I see your pain. I see your love. I see your heart that holds everyone else’s hearts. I see your loyalty. I see your fear. I see your terror. I see the little girl E. I see the fear and knowledge she will be alone. I will always be there for her. I will always be here for you. Remember what I said to you? (Dialogue through hope and destruction) I told you I want to be your friend, and whenever you are ready for me to, I will be your friend.
You are beautiful E. With all the good. Light can’t shine in the light. It is your dark that makes you beautiful.
I’m here. I’m with you. I’m sorry I can’t take your pain away. I can be with you. I am with you. I will be with you. I can’t ease the pain. I can, am, and will stay with you through it.
You will get past it E. Life, just living, doesn’t always hurt so much. Some days are easier. Some days are harder. Some days will be easier. Some days will be harder. Every day I will hold your hand and stay with you. Every day I will be ready to hold you if you let me.
I love you E. I will always love you. There is no way you can ever obliterate my love for you.
I don’t know how to take your pain away. And I guess I don’t need to take your pain away. You’re allowed to hurt. You’re allowed to exist. You’re allowed to be. I know you can’t hear me. I know you don’t believe me. I’ll keep telling you until you know it. You are allowed to exist. You have a right to exist. To feel. To think. To be.
I love you E. I love you through all the ups and all the downs. I love you as you question yourself. I love you as you know you’re defective. I love you with all the unworthiness you feel. I love you with the guilt. I love you with the shame. I love you. Just because you are. Every moment of every day I love you. And every moment of every day I will love you I will love you as you destroy yourself. I will love you as you self sabotage. I will love you as you shatter pieces. I will love you as you rebuild. I will love you as you learn to feel. I will love you as you learn to accept. I will love you as you learn to trust. I will love you through the good. I will love you through the bad. I will love you through the negative. I will love you through the positive.
It will hurt E. It does hurt. Living hurts. Being hurts. And there is nothing I can do to take away the pain. I can, and will, always be with you. I’ll stay with you. I’ll hold your hand. I’ll be with you as you do your best to push me away. You won’t be able to get rid of me for I’m you. Unless you kill yourself that is. And even though you don’t believe it, you are worth more than death.
You will get there E. I promise you that. You will get there. I don’t know why it hurts so much when you’re not eating and you’re using cocodamol (which should stop it hurting). I guess you’re beginning to feel. Which is a good thing. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it. I love you E. And I’m with you.
I don’t know who to tell you to trust. For I don’t know who is trustworthy. But, trust yourself. For you have all the answers.
You are beautiful. You are worth it. You are enough. You don’t have to do anything to deserve existence. You don’t have to do anything to be good enough. You just are. And you are enough just as you.
E, I just wanted to tell you that I’m with you, and that you aren’t alone. You’ve got this. There is a lot going on in your head. You don’t have to figure it all out. There is a lot going on in the world and you can’t do anything about it or anything about how your family are acting or reacting. You’re only responsible for your part E, never for anyone else’s.
Today is a new day. Filled with endless possibilities. Your only goal for today is to try and be here. And if you do freak out at all to stay present with it for 2 minutes. I know, that is long, before cutting off.
I’m glad you’re here.
Love you.
Always and forever
E
PS. Just for today, trust yourself and your experiences. Believe what you feel to be reality and accept it as such. For it is real. It is true. What you think, what you do and feel, is your reality.
I haven’t often written to myself in the past months and although I talk about what letters to myself have given to me I don’t have any on my blog. I may copy out the last ones but this is from this morning.
Dear E
It is day what of coronavirus? It’s 2 plus weeks since schools shut. I’m losing track of time. It must’ve been longer. Can we just skip today? Every day comes to teach you something. You’re learning to be. Be with yourself. You’re learning how important some things are to you. You’re tuning in a lot more to the source of a world.
Day what of Covid 19? We’re in April 2020 now. It started in December 2019. Conspiracies abound. What caused it. Who cares?
Learn E, learn. Learn from it. Learn from this time. Of endlessness. Learn to be with yourself. Learn who or what the infinite is. Know it is within you. And connect.
You’re never alone E. I’m always and will always be with you. Even if you mess up. I love you and always will. You’re worth it.
Simon did this last year, and yet again this year. Check his letter out here. I should have read his before writing mine… I’d hoped to write myself something way more profound and intelligent. I’d love to see your letters if you write to yourself 🙂
Dear Eliza of 2021
It’s weird to be writing this letter, less weird to be reading it. After all, it’s a letter addressed to you, isn’t it. Eliza of 2021. Though really Eliza, you are the same person you were a year ago. Yah, very different too, but you’re yet the same. I had loads of plans for what I wanted to write, this isn’t what I envisioned. When I read the letter you wrote a year ago, to be read today, I saw that you were humoured by what you were writing, yet when I was reading it, it just wasn’t at all funny. So I don’t know what you will find entertaining today. I don’t know who you are today.
Hi Eliza. Yet another year has gone by. A year. 12 months. 360 days or so. A year. 24 hours in every single day. I wonder what the past year has brought to you. I wonder what you have brought to the past year. I wonder what the world has given you. I wonder what you have given the world. As of writing this, you’ve a year ahead of you. When you read this, you’ll be looking back at the past year. I hope when you read it, you’ll look back with pride. I hope you’ll be proud of yourself. I know that I’m proud of you and that in a years time I will be, too. I hope you’ll look back and see all the good things.
A year ago (well, as of writing it’s today, but when you read it, it’ll be a year ago) you were burning yourself and using to burn more. A year ago you knew you didn’t want it for your life. Today, I hope you can look back and see that what you dreamed of then is your reality. That today you aren’t self harming. That today, you are looking after yourself. I hope that today you are looking after your body. I hope you are respecting yourself. And that if you aren’t, it’s just a temporary blip. For you’ll continue on.
I don’t imagine it’s been an easy year for you. I hope you’ve found it worthwhile. Life is a journey. A journey you didn’t ask to be on, but one that I’m glad you’re partaking in. A journey that meanders. There are hills and valleys. Sunsets and sunrises. Rocks and grass. Sunshine and night. It’s a journey. I don’t know where the last year will have taken you. I don’t know what path you’ve travelled. I know it’s been a journey. Just a tiny segment of the journey of life.
I want so much for you in this year. That when you’re reading this, I’m hoping you can look back and appreciate. I want you to respect your own boundaries more than you do. Just more than. For, I don’t expect you to get there. There is no end goal. For every single step you take brings you to another step. Every mountain you climb has a mountain to climb back down. Every stream you pass will be walked over or rowed across. I hope that you’ll know more about what you believe. That you’ll be more comfortable with yourself and your beliefs. That you’ll be able to live by them with confidence. Irrespective of others. For, it’s your journey and not theirs. It’s your journey Eliza. One that no one else can travel for you. Your choices are yours to make and yours to own. I’m hoping that you own that. That you appreciate, respect and value that. I’m hoping that you’re living your life for yourself.
I wonder where you’re living now. I’m guessing at home, though you may be anywhere at all. Not really anywhere, but yes, anywhere is possible. I wonder what you’ve studied. I wonder whether you’ve finished the course you’ve started. You know that you can do it. I wonder whether you’ve included exercise into your routine. I wonder who is a part of your life today. I wonder who your new friends are. I hope you’ve made some new friends, and I hope you’re friends still with your friends of today. I hope the S’s are a part of your life. It’s funny how your friends all have the same initials.
I wonder. I wonder where you’re at today. I do know that wherever you at it’ll have been a journey. I know the past year is one in which you’ve learnt a lot. About yourself, your family and the world. I hope that you’re feeling safer within yourself and the world. I hope you’ll have found that safety and okayness that has often been so elusive. I’m hoping the year has been one of presentness, or becoming more and more present. You are way more present than you ever were.
I used to think there were end goals. I knew where I wanted to get to. I knew where I wanted you to be. And the end goals were ‘it’. Now, I know differently. I know it’s not like that. That there is no end destination. That it’s about going along for the ride and learning to love the ride, to enjoy where it takes us, and to learn from it all. It’s about becoming. It’s about being – it’s about being present in the world. It’s about being real. It’s about being. It is. It is what it is. And, through it all, no one can ever take away your okayness. Whatever life brings you, you are okay. Whatever life has brought to you, you are okay. Whatever you bring to yourself and your life, you are okay. You will always be okay and you will always stay okay. There is nothing that is irreversible. Other than death.
When I wrote to you in 2019 to be read in 2020 I was glad that you evidently planned on being here for the year. You sorta planned on it. Now, I’m glad that you really do plan on it. My goal for 2019 was taking ownership of my life. I’m glad you’ve done that. I wonder if there is a one word/sentence plan for the next year that you can look back on and see. I wonder if there is a word/sentence intention for the year. Maybe safety. Maybe okayness. Maybe just being present. What I really want for the year, what I really hope you’ve learned is the past year, is feelings/emotions. I hope that you’re able to identify what you feel, I hope you know what you feel, and know how to deal with it. I don’t expect you to fully know. It’s what I hope the year gives to you. It’s what I hope the year has given to you. The knowledge, awareness, and understanding of yourself and your world.
I love you Eliza. Whatever the past year has brought to you, whatever it hasn’t brought to you, you are okay. I also wonder who you’re living with now. I wonder who your company is. It would be cool to see ahead, and it would also take away from it. If you could look ahead and see what is, there is no way you’d live through it. I’m glad you haven’t been able to see ahead. Let this year be one of awareness. And gratitude. And okayness.
I’m glad you’re here Eliza. I’m glad you’re here reading this a year later. I’m glad you’ve lived through the year. I’m glad you wanted to. Really wanted to. I’m glad you’re charting your path. I’m glad you’ve been learning to live for yourself and are creating a life for yourself. I’m glad you’ve been taking responsibility for yourself. I’m glad you’re giving to others. I’m grateful you’re here. And I hope that you are too.
I love you Eliza. And I’m with you. Always and forever. I always will be with you. You’re worth it and deserve only goodness and okayness.
Love you, E
I hope that the next year of 2021 to 2022 brings awesome things your way.
