Trigger warning.

Not for under 18s.

There’s nothing to write for it’s all just lies and more lies. I don’t know what’s reality and what’s not.

What’s reality?

Right now I’m sitting on the floor leaning against my bed. I feel the floor. I feel the bed. I feel tears in my eyes. I see the screen. I hear a ticking of a timepiece. I hear some raindrops. I hear the washing machine and the dryer.

I haven’t packed. I’ve been staring at my phone knowing I’m alone and knowing I can’t reach out to anyone for if I do and don’t get a response I’ll completely spiral. My head is tilted to the side. My feet are a bit numb. I’m swallowing.

Not sure what tops to pack. It’s cold weather. I want it to be hot because wanted to wear whatever I wanted without the constraints that living at home, religion and Judaism place on me. I need space to explore, to be. I’m not going to get that space.

Holding a really cute superdry tshirt on my lap. It’s really too cold for it. I’m not sure whether to keep it as it’ll only fit me now whilst I’ve lost weight.

SM was in my house today. She told me I look like I’ve lost weight. Do I? I can’t see it. Some body parts I can feel my bones.

Changing position to be doing a full body squat. Haven’t done that for ages. Or any exercise at all.

I haven’t used enough. And I’ve taken too much.

My head is one of contradictions.

I’m trying to be aware of my body in my room.

I’m tired. I don’t want to say anything I think or feel because it registers to me as lies. And I can’t handle lies or incongruence at the moment. Maybe that’s also a lie… who knows.

Changed body squat position. Not sure which one is better. I still have a stomach. Like, really visible. Weird I guess how I’ve lost weight everywhere but there. It’s not about weight. Weight is just a bonus. Or is it? I rarely look in the mirror. I don’t believe I see in the mirror what others see when they look at me. So why would I look in the mirror? I don’t really ever think anything much of my body either way. I dislike the acne scars. When I look. When I don’t look I don’t see them. People talk about liking or disliking their bodies. My body is just my body. Nothing to like or dislike. Except when I want to destroy it, but then it’s not really my body I’m trying to destroy, but myself.

Why’m I in this space?

Who cares.

It doesn’t really help to write. Especially because I can’t connect to it so it’s not like writing is doing anything or processing anything. It’s just giving me something to do with time. Time that thing I don’t know what to do with. To do with myself. Also that thing I don’t know what to do with.

I guess disconnection is good. I don’t actually care if I’m dead or alive. Rather than wanting to be dead. I chose life. So not like would have done anything either way. That weird thing life.

Letter to myself: 12th August 2020. I’m with you.

Dear E

I’m here. I’m with you. I’m sorry I can’t take your pain away. I can be with you. I am with you. I will be with you. I can’t ease the pain. I can, am, and will stay with you through it.

You will get past it E. Life, just living, doesn’t always hurt so much. Some days are easier. Some days are harder. Some days will be easier. Some days will be harder. Every day I will hold your hand and stay with you. Every day I will be ready to hold you if you let me.

I love you E. I will always love you. There is no way you can ever obliterate my love for you.

Always and forever

E

Letter to myself: 6th April 2020

I haven’t often written to myself in the past months and although I talk about what letters to myself have given to me I don’t have any on my blog. I may copy out the last ones but this is from this morning.

Dear E

It is day what of coronavirus? It’s 2 plus weeks since schools shut. I’m losing track of time. It must’ve been longer. Can we just skip today? Every day comes to teach you something. You’re learning to be. Be with yourself. You’re learning how important some things are to you. You’re tuning in a lot more to the source of a world.

Day what of Covid 19? We’re in April 2020 now. It started in December 2019. Conspiracies abound. What caused it. Who cares?

Learn E, learn. Learn from it. Learn from this time. Of endlessness. Learn to be with yourself. Learn who or what the infinite is. Know it is within you. And connect.

You’re never alone E. I’m always and will always be with you. Even if you mess up. I love you and always will. You’re worth it.

Always and forever

E

Random 273

Tried to sleep but was thinking and shaking so was up. I’m not sure if I should really post this.

I’m stupid. Still shaking after an hour plus. It gets annoying when it goes on and there’s no discernable cause. So I went onto my private diary to write about it for tired of whinging and whining where people can see. And began reading the first few posts I wrote there. The letters I wrote to myself are awesome. Just, I wish I could cry. I’m not there now – it’s when I was OD’ing daily – and just, I dont know. I cant stay on there for it has triggered me. I’m in a good place. I’m tired – it’s late. I want to trigger myself. I dont really.  I want to want to go back there. I want to want to use. I sort of want to use. It was hell and I never want to go through it again and I’m not sure how I survived. Purely on a physical level. I lost a heck of a lot of weight at the time. Constantly got ‘compliments ‘ that you look so good, you lost so much weight. I hadn’t known people thought I didnt look good. Now I knew what they thought.

The playing with the edge. The contradictions. The need for destruction and desire to live life and acting on both and trying not to cross over either line.

The sides are still there. Now I’m beginning to tear. If I let myself, cry. I just don’t talk about it coz its pointless. I don’t engage with it much either. I let it be. I write what I want to do to myself in graphic detail. Never in public of course. If it wasn’t myself writing itd be the most triggering thing possible. I’d never known I could be gruesome. Sometimes I’ll sketch what I want to do to myself. I draw horrendously. It’s cathartic. Makes it real what I want. Real enough that I don’t have to engage with it.

I’m tired. And sad. I’m saying I’m sad but in actuality I’m not sad at all. I don’t actually feel anything. Well, I slightly can’t breathe but that’s been for a couple of hours. I’m shaking which has been for as long. And it’s not negative. It just is.

This is turning into way more of a journal entry than I planned. I want to go back there. I don’t. I want to want to. I don’t know. Yeah, tomorrow is a new day. Just that there is nothing wrong now so I don’t need the tomorrow is a new day.

I was thinking earlier that I wanted to write a post on safety. Well 3 different posts of things I want to write. Part of what I was thinking about when I was trying to sleep and shaking. One of the things was  is, the conversation I had with S. Before putting down the phone she asked me if I felt safe. I replied that I didn’t feel unsafe. And she said she guesses that is as much as shell her from me. I never feel safe. I don’t feel unsafe. And that is actually one of the most amazing things ever. That I’m okay. That I don’t feel unsafe. What was I trying to say? Oh, that I don’t feel unsafe right now. Which is good. Coz I am okay.

Not sure what I am trying to say.

Navigating relationships in my world

Navigating relationships. Well, I’ve titled the thread before writing anything at all. I know what I want to write about. I wonder if there’s a point writing about it. If it will help me. Or anyone. Or if it will make any difference. If it can.

Yesterday I went out with someone. I’d been on edge and had decided to just hold on. She called me to go out, she’d asked me earlier and I assumed she needed to speak. AG is one person I’d go out of my way for. I’ve written about it elsewhere on my blog. She asked me to go for a walk. I was on edge. I told her I could give her a half hour. She spent 40 minutes trying to get the courage to tell me that she didn’t think it was healthy for me to work through what I believe. It threw me a lot. That’s not the point. I know that it’s healthy and I’m sad for her that she thinks it’s unhealthy. I thanked her for being brave and courageous enough to share what she was thinking. The point I’m coming to is that as I was journaling today I said that I feel like she’s ruined the relationship we had. I honestly do feel as though she has ruined the relationship. Which, also seems extreme to me.

It’s reminding me of RR. Those who have been following this blog may remember RR. He used to be there for me. Then I was brave enough to ask him why he went behind me back and had lied to me. He explained it to me. I forgive him and understand why he did what he did. I don’t think it was the only option he had, I understand why he thought it was. I haven’t been in touch with him since. I haven’t been in touch with him for I don’t know how to reach out. And primarily because he wasn’t there for me. Because he let me down enough times that in my mind he wasn’t a part of my life anymore. It’s why I didn’t mind asking him about his betrayal of my trust, for I knew he couldn’t ruin what didn’t exist. For there was no relationship. Which also makes very little sense. For we had a relationship. We probably still have a relationship – one that has just taken a hiatus. He did let me down. He told me he’d do stuff that he didn’t do. He didn’t respond and wasn’t there. Which means he isn’t there, wasn’t there. Which is again, extreme and black and white. For he always was there. For all the times he didn’t respond there are the times he reached out to me. Yet he wasn’t there. And I don’t know what is my issue and what is real.

I’m thinking of all the relationships, primarily online, actually, no, in real life too, in which people were a part of my life, and then they weren’t there any longer. Some of these people, I know that they left. A lot of them, most, I always knew they left. Now I wonder. They weren’t there. So the relationship didn’t exist in my mind and it meant I never reached out (if they’d reached out it’d still be there). I’m tired of thinking.

The reason RR has been so much on my mind recently is that I want guidance regarding a couple of things and he is the perfect person to ask. He is the only person I know who knows me, who has taken on the role in life of guiding others with such, who knows my life, my family and where I’m coming from. So I’ve been thinking of him. Every post I write working through what I believe I wish I could share with him. He’d be so proud. I can’t share it with him. Not because of him. Because of me. Because I can’t reach out. It’s not actually that I won’t, I plan on discussing it with my friend (I’m referencing a friend 15 years my senior here) and getting her advice on this specific situation. It’s not the specifics I’m thinking of. Well I am too.

I’m realising the way I’m reacting. Knowing that I’ve never seen it before. Having no idea what is my issue and what isn’t. Having no idea when it’s another person at ‘fault’ or me, because ultimately I can’t trust myself when it comes to relationships. The funny thing, or contradictory thing, is that at the very same time as all this is true. I’ve lost so many relationships and miss everyone and feel so lonely and feel like everyone has left me whilst I care about them they just don’t care. The other side is that at the same time as that’s happening, I’ve been building some really solid, healthy, balanced relationships with a couple of people. I’ve been rebuilding a relationship with someone that was wrecked – something I never thought I’d ever be able to do, repair bridges and make something so healthy out of something broken. I’m building healthy relationships with my family, and appreciating them. I’ve been learning what boundaries are and learning to keep my own boundaries and express to others in my life who constantly cross them that they’re crossing them (not that it helps, but I’m doing my part).

I’m doing both. Which is kinda weird. I’m seeing, learning, that I’ve had a part in getting rid of so many relationships I care so much about. I was going to say ruined, but a lot of the relationships aren’t ruined, there was no wreckage involved, they’re just non-existent. I’m seeing that a lot of them is probably down to me. I’m seeing that it’s all or none for me. I’m sad to see that. I’m sad because of how much I miss all these people. And I’m building healthy, balanced, solid relationships with people. Seems strange to be able to do both things at the same time.

I started off writing this post really sad. Sad to see this. Sad especially because I don’t know what to do now about a couple of relationships. Now, I’m no longer sure what I feel. I don’t know what to do with the knowledge either. Especially as I really don’t know what’s down to me and what’s down to others. I’m thinking of a couple of people I was always hurt by that I wasn’t a part of them. I eventually learned that it was because I wasn’t present, and as I became present (in the world) and as I learned to join them, I became more a part. I always still sensed a distance but blamed myself, until another random observer told me that she saw the distance and objectively it’s not from me, but from them being a unit to my exclusion (I still join them). I never know what’s down to me and what’s down to others. It’s all a tangle. Of wires and confusion. That I’m not actually going to be trying to unravel at the moment. I’m going to try deal with the present (like figuring out whether to reach out to RR and how to go about it). Anything else is relegated to the back burner. For asides for when I journal, which helps me figure it out, I’m not going to think about it. Still sad.

Love, light and glitter

.

I don’t have anything to write. It doesn’t help that I understand what is going on and why, it doesn’t make it easier. I just want it to stop. And I can’t stop it. I can’t make myself believe I’m worth it, however much I know it. I can’t change what my life was or how it taught me to know I’m guilty for existing. I can learn it’s not so, it’s not reality, I cant change how much trying to act on my life hurts and makes me want to destroy myself. Doing good brings up all the subconscious beliefs that have run my life until now. Acting against it makes me fight. I’m tired of how much I want to destroy myself and self harm. It wasn’t so intense when I wasn’t trying to create my own life.

Rant over.

Edit: I know that so long as I don’t actually mess up in any way it’ll pass and I’ll be okay. I know that my reaction makes sense even though that doesn’t help any. When I was telling my friend the other night what was going on she told me she thinks its something or another can’t recall the official term for it. I found it funny as she explained how I would then react, for yeah I know, I’m living with it. Just finished reading a book and heading to sleep. Here’s to keeping to good things and staying away from the negative. And hopefully if it doesn’t pass soon will figure out what to do then.

Loneliness, distance, I wouldn’t know how to define what I mean.

I’m in tears. That’s actually a good thing. A good thing coz’ it means I’m living with what is. I don’t know why I’m crying. Just, sad. Feeling overwhelmed and really alone. Was thinking earlier about people. I wrote some of it down. I wonder if I’m crazy. It’s not that. I don’t wonder that. Well I do too. But it’s, I wonder if there’s something wrong with me in that, everyone I know, they get to know people, they get closer, and they build a real relationship. Somehow with me, I get to know people, I get closer, and as soon as it gets to a certain point, I don’t know what the line is, then sometimes it stays there, at that closeness for a bit, or it doesn’t, and then it goes. Either it completely fizzles out. The relationship. Or it just lessens.

At work, my workmates are friends with one another. I work in 2 different places. Well it’s the same but the people I work with are 2 different groups of people. One group of people, the workmates have worked as long as or less than me, and they’re now all friends with one another. They sit outside with each other in their breaks. Call each other. Get together. In my other workplace it’s the same. The first place, I wouldn’t necessarily want to be friends with them. Most of them are not on my wavelength. With my other workplace I’d love to be a part. I’m just not. It’s with anyone. And everyone. People I’ve met online. People I’ve met in real life. And, I don’t know anymore. I see the people together and it just makes me feel so alone. I know I’ve written about it before. And I know that some of the distance must come from me, else it wouldn’t be with everyone all the time.

I’m grateful for my friends. Thing is that with my friends I didn’t do anything to become friends with them. Most of them it just happened. I don’t even know how. Not all my friendships lasted, but that was/is circumstantial. Most my friends are as loyal as I am. And although my friends have changed, I’m thinking of one of my friends who was always insecure, I’m not sure how our relationship lasted. I don’t know how they became my friends. I wouldn’t know how to translate that knowledge to these aquaintances. It’s not even that I need them to be my friends. some of them I’d love to be friends with. The people I used to be close to. Who I still care so much about. Who’ve just moved on and are now friends, good friends with other people. Who I know it must be me, and, I don’t know what/how.

I know some of it is me because of R and SE. I went away with them a couple of years ago. When I looked at the pictures I was sad. I was sad at the pictures. For it showed our relationship. The pictures has R and SE next to each other, heads together, and after a space there was me. It wasn’t even me who was away from them. My head would be straight, I’d be standing straight in the pictures, whereas the middle person would be leaning away from me towards the other end person. I blamed them for it. I knew they were closer and knew it was them, that they weren’t interested in me. As I began living more in the real world, I became more a part of them. When we went away a few months ago the pictures now were different. In some of the pictures of the 3 of us, there was still that gap – though nowhere near as much. In others there was a lot less of the gap. When we went away in the past, they’d be walking together as I lagged behind or in front, no matter how hard I tried to be a part of them, I couldn’t be. Now, I was. I am. There is some distance often enough that makes me sad. Yet I know now that the distance is from me. That they want me to be a part of them. And as much as I am a part of them, I will be a part of them. That’s it’s up to me. Some of the distance I can’t bridge. It depends on how present I am. Some of the distance I can bridge. And I do. I spend time with them. I make sure to be with them a lot more. And I am. I’m with them. I’m a part of them.

So now, with all these people. Both in real life and online. I don’t know. The relationship grows until it gets to that line. I don’t know what that line is. And then that’s it. The people I still have what to do with become acquaintances. The rest just disappear. I don’t know what or how. I don’t know how to change it. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I don’t even know if it is or isn’t me. So, I’m sad about it. And I guess I’m allowed to cry about it. It’s good for me to cry. The last time I cried was, I don’t remember when. I don’t know. I really wish there was some way I could make it different. And, I don’t know. I don’t know what’s me and what’s others. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I don’t know how to change it. How to build relationships. How to do it. I wish they’d be interested. I don’t know….

Song of the day: I wish I could break your heart – Cassadee Pope

Feeling really alone at the moment, was trying to find a song that expresses it, couldn’t, but this will have to do.

Lyrics

I wish I could break your heart
I wish I could bring you down
Just for a second, teach you a lesson about being alone in the dark
I wish I could make you cry
So hard you can barely breath
And maybe you just might know what it feels like
Oh to be me

Well the truth is that I never ever wanna hurt you baby
But it’d be nice to know that I could
Be strong enough to pull you under, throw you back a little under thunder
Even though I never would
I wish I could break, I wish I could break your heart

I wish I could crush your dreams
I wish I could turn back time
Boy I’d lead you on light the fuse, drop the bomb
Just so I’d be the first to leave

Well the truth is that I never ever wanna hurt you baby
But it’d be nice to know that I could
Be strong enough to pull you under, throw you back a little under thunder
Even though I never would
I wish I could break, I wish I could break your heart

I wish I could break your heart
I wish I could make you cry
I wish I could turn back time

Well the truth is that I never ever wanna hurt you baby
But it’d be nice to know that I could
Be strong enough to pull you under, throw you back a little under thunder
Even though I never would
I wish I could break, I wish I could break your heart

I wish I could break your heart
I wish I could break your heart