I’m a few days behind in my reader and posts tend to get lost in my reader after a few days and coz it’s shabbat soon I will be even more behind by the time Sunday comes along.
The past few days I’ve been finding it easier to eat. That terrifies me. Happens to be I haven’t eaten way too much today but because I’ve been eating normally it feels like I have. Yesterday I ate a ‘normal’ amount. First time in 3 months. That freaked me out. I’m proud of myself. I didn’t purge. I distracted myself by writing cards and then on instagram.
Today I’ve been eating too. Just, eating. No calorie counting. No thoughts. And, and I can’t. I can’t let it go.
I chose life again.
Those who’ve actually been following my blog know that a few weeks ago I chose life over destruction. My friend had scared me when she told me she wasn’t sure I’d get her post. It was sobering. I hadn’t realised just how close to death I was. I spent the night after that planning letters to people and the next day chose life. Not sure what posts they were. I chose to believe in Hope then. Hope as an entity which is why I’ve capitalised it. Wrote that in a dialogue post. Hope in possibility.
I chose life a couple days ago. Rechose, recommitted, to life. I don’t know if I actually thought that I was choosing it. I did write something explaining why, but not on this blog. So life, here goes. And the past couple days after I’ve been consciously choosing to take less cocodamol than I want to each time. If I want 6 I’ll take 5. The numbers ate arbitrary anyways. And I’ve only bought enough for another day as I only went to a couple pharmacies. I’m not ready to stop using. But, it seems like a possibility. It feels as though I’m coming to that place where I’ll be ready to stop using.
The past couple days I’ve stayed with reality. Reality of too much. Reality of not knowing what to do with myself. And I’ve eaten more. I’m choosing not to write numbers on this blog. More means just more normally.
It’s positive. And it’s terrifying.
And if I don’t get help to deal with everything behind it then even if I stop it’s a waste of time.
I’m scared of letting go. I’m scared of giving up control.
I’m also seeing that there’s change from a few months ago. It’s for another post. But it’s weird. Weird because a few months ago my actions were okay. And today I’m ODing daily (that NHS therapist called an ambulance on me when I had taken between a third and 6th of what I’ve been taking daily since then). I’m eating now between half and a third what fitness pal tells me I should if I want to lose weight. My actions were okay then. Yet I see change. In some ways I think messing up has given me the space to learn and process. Destroying myself is calming a part of me that lets other parts be. Lets other parts grow.
Even if I’m eating the same calories I’m eating cake and sugar now. Which is good. Really good.
I’m scared. I’m terrified. I’m also seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m grateful to those of you who’ve been here. I’ve told you thank you so many times! I really appreciate it. You’re not getting anything back from me. I’m just about reading your blogs (those who are writing). Thank you.
And I’ve gotta go. I didn’t know where writing this would take me. It isn’t what I planned on.
GP – haven’t gotten through. He hasn’t done anything.
MBSR- fell asleep during it. Blush and hide.
ACA- not done enough. Should be in touch with others.
And I’ve a list of questions for a professional re boundaries and responsibilities when I can.
I’m trigger warning this because I have no idea what I’ll be writing and I don’t need to filter what I say. It’s easier for me to just write. SG I trust you to choose.
This week has been long.
I slept last night! I woke up a few times but I actually slept. That’s really major for me….
Monday night I was thinking. About life. About using cocodamol. About getting to another side. Whether it’s possible. About helping someone get help now so that if I’m not here they’ll have the help I would’ve given to them had I been here. About writing a letter to my sis that she should know that if anything happened to me it wasn’t intentional.
You know what they say, that when you reach bottom the only way is up? It’s not actually true. When you reach bottom you can let it embrace you or choose life. I’m choosing life. I’m deciding to believe that there is another side that I can get to.
There’s destruction. And there’s life. I don’t know how I’m going to get from one side to the other. I don’t know how I’m going to stop using cocodamol. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it.
Some positive things.
I signed up for an MBSR – mindfulness – course. I could choose a zoom one now or face to face in a couple months. I’m choosing face to face and I hope it happens. I guess if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. And truth is one shouldn’t do such a course whilst using and when the first zoom one starts I can’t imagine I’ll have stopped so maybe it’s better to wait for that reason to.
Been trying to get hold of my GP but haven’t managed to. It’s his responsibility to do something when he knows I’m ODing every day. He doesn’t know just how much I’m taking because last time I’d only taken x. Either way he should actually do something or pass it on if he can’t. I plan on guilt tripping him if I need to – I asked R’ R what he thought. I’m really touched by him. He called a GP when I texted him to find out what the GPs responsibility is, and told me to go ahead and guilt trip him if I need to. If not for that I’d feel bad to. I’m hoping I don’t need to. Because I can’t imagine myself being able to guilt trip anyone. It’s just not me.
I’ve told my sister what’s going on. She doesn’t know the risk factor. I told her that I don’t know if there is one, but that there could be. That cocodamol has never done anything to me in the past, and I’ve no way to know what it could do. Also told her exactly what I’d tell my GP if need be. How I’d guilt trip him. That’s actually what told her there could be a risk factor. We’ve – my sister and I – really built our relationship these past few months. There’s been a lot of openness and honesty that is good for us both. I’m still finding it strange how there are things I’ve really worked through that she hasn’t. For I’m the one destroying my life, not her.
Someone suggested I work through the 12 steps. One of the mottos in recovery is HOW. Someone once told me that willingness means doing anything anyone suggests. So if this is what she has suggested…. I’ve never liked NA because there wasn’t real recovery. I also don’t agree with a couple of the principles of 12 step fellowships. However, what I don’t agree with isn’t actually relevant at the moment. It can’t harm me. And if I get to a place where I come across what I don’t agree with, that’s actually only a good thing. So, along these lines, the person who suggested it told me she’d look out for people. I’ve begun reading through the big book. If I want TC would take me through the steps – I’ll think about it. If no one else, will do. I love TC and don’t want to change our relationship. Reached out to someone random and will see where life takes us regarding this.
I’m grateful I slept last night.
My friend told me she doesn’t feel responsible and will tell me if it’s too much. I needed to ask her because I was scared. I shouldn’t need to hear that as often as I do, that she won’t take responsibility that isn’t hers, but, I do need to. I can’t share with someone if it’s going to harm them. Ultimately that would harm me.
The conversations I had on Sunday and Monday night is what triggered feeling there would never be a way put on Monday night. Sunday I was on the phone to TC. I told her I got her parcel. She said she had been terrified I wouldn’t be here to get it. That felt like someone punched me in the stomach. Asides for the guilt at giving her that fear. I didn’t think she had anything to fear. Though I know how much, um, maybe she did have what to fear. On Monday I was talking to a friend and told her about the conversation. I scared her. Which wasn’t my plan. I don’t like scaring people. And I was wondering how real their fear was. If they had a right to be scared. As in, if there was anything to be scared of. If I should be scared. Which of course I never have been. It’s not like I was suicidal or trying to kill myself. It’s not like I could care if it killed me either. Hence being up all Monday night. Well I’ve been up most the night most nights this past month.
Hence getting to the place where I know I have to choose. Knew I had to choose. Let destruction destroy me or believe in the other side. Believe in the possibility of living life without cocodamol. Without ED is different for, maybe for it’s not as destructive and isn’t actually going to kill me at the moment. I’ve been eating more anyways. Been eating between 5 and 7 hundred a day. Which is more than between 3 and 450. Using more too. If I’m lucky it’s about x a day. Not really counting. Though today I’ll keep the wrappers for I want to give my GP a number when I speak to him.
Really, believing in life is a choice. It’s a choice whether to believe in hope. To believe that there is another side. A side of living without destruction. I’m choosing to believe in it. I’ve chosen to believe in it. In the possibility of life.
That’s why when you reach rock bottom the only way isn’t up. Either you go up, or you go down. I’m choosing to go up. But it’s not the only way. I could choose death instead. Even though I’m not suicidal, I don’t want to kill myself – I don’t know if I care dying or not, I don’t think I do but maybe really I do and am just not aware of it – I could choose death. I could choose to just use as much as I was a couple weeks ago before I decided to cut down in the afternoons. I could use more knowing it could destroy me. I’m choosing life. And that’s a choice. I’m choosing hope. Which is also a choice. I’m choosing to believe I can get to another side.
I’m grateful for the honesty with my sis. Because she is someone I really don’t want to hurt. I’m grateful for the people in my life without whom I don’t think I would have ever left the bubble of destruction I was living in. I’m grateful for the people here on WP. I’m not naming you but I think – hope – that you know who you are, and how much your support here, your comments and thoughts, really means to me. I’m grateful for a random person I reached out to. She’s the one who suggested I go back to a 12 step programme. She is just so nice. She gave me her address and told me to come over anytime. Whilst I don’t think I would, I’m touched. She really meant it…. and I’m grateful that I can reach out to others. I’m grateful. It’s not something I’ve ever been able to do in the past.
This past month or so feels like it has been way way longer than just a few short weeks. Every day has so much. So so much.
I’m grateful that I’m journalling again. That’s something positive too. I’m aiming to journal every day. And have been writing in my gratitude journal – up to 1200 now. And been going out in nature. I can’t run, or even walk much, but one day hopefully I’ll be able to.
I have what to write about the above quotes. Another time. This is long enough. If anyone has actually taken the time to read through all this rambling nonsense, I really appreciate it….. thank you…
I just wrote this. Not sure what I’m trying to say with it ..
Sometimes I feel like everyone sees things so differently to me.
I just saw a post on Instagram about fat phobia and my only thought was, but why would someone think or feel that way? Like obviously everyone likes everyone and doesn’t judge and is accepting of everyone.
Sometimes I think I live in a world of rainbows and unicorns. I see the world that way. And no one else seems to. And it’s weird in a way. And jarring.
And of course I see the world…. I’m destroying myself at the moment (pretty literally). My siblings make sure to educate me constantly. My friends have all been through, are going through, so much.
Yet I still think of the world and people as all good and awesome and everyone else seems to think differently. It’s just, I don’t even have the words to put it down what it feels like. Like I perceive something and it seems like almost everyone perceives it differently. And no, I don’t want to change.
I’m thinking about this. About password protecting my last posts. Because they’re on the darker side and that’s not what my blog is meant to be about. I don’t care for my sake if they’re up. I posted them, and it helped me to write, and you people here have been invaluable. Thank you for being here, and for believing in me. Thank you for your messages C and J. I’m just not sure if I should keep the posts up. If it’s helpful to anyone or not at all. I’d love thoughts…
This week has been a good one. It’s been chaotic and good. And busy. Still messing up and living with destruction, but it’s not the only thing at all. And I’m proud of how I handled my sister – I may still write about it if it’ll help me to. I overreacted in my mind, but in reality I really handled it well. And been trying to get back to journaling which really helps me. A friend bought me a diamond art painting which I did, so ordered another, and have the awesomest I believe in you box to keep the diamonds in (I hope you’re reading this 💕).
Been making some pictures for instagram. Haven’t posted most, but here are a couple.
Today has been. Today. Today has been today. How profound is that?
This morning I was messaging TC (a friend) which was good. T always makes me smile. Even just thinking of her. And she shared something cool with me. This morning as in my kind of ‘morning’. This afternoon went out. Was just really calm and okay. Didn’t take much cocodamol this afternoon.
Only took when I came home a couple hours ago. And then felt really icky. It’s like a bone weariness and exhaustion and general ickiness that comes from it. It was interesting to really see the effects.
Would you write a letter? Would you write something like that? If you are happy to, please do, and post it, link it, share it etc. If there is enough we can do something with it…. one warning point though is that I want them suitable for everyone. So nothing religious there.
Today’s been good.
I want to use more and I don’t want to.
I don’t see another choice. But, it’s the first time in the past couple weeks that I’m thinking maybe I don’t want to always keep using cocodamol. That I don’t like how it makes me feel – physically, the general under the weatherness. That maybe I see a life beyond it.
So, that’s today. As I said, today has been today.
This is an open letter just to let you know how much you are loved, how precious each and every one of you are. The mere fact that you are alive brings sunshine into our world daily!
I know that we all have a good heart, and sure some may have more layers to peel off than most. But each of us are doing the best that we can … especially all the kind supportive friends I’ve made world wide here at WP.
We are going through some particularly difficult and challenging times lately. For some restrictions are easing while others seem caught in a downward vortex.
Although we may all be in this together remember that some do have more resources to cushion the blow than others. Such as stable housing, funds to buy sufficient supplies and pay for medical assistance as needed. These factors alone are a huge blessing as most of our world are currently struggling with these very basics.
Incomes are no longer assured, some countries provide safety nets yet the majority don’t. So what I’m suggesting is that we all be grateful for what we do have and try to share with those who don’t have.
While fear and anger reign we all pay the toll … so kindness and acceptance go a very long way to cheering both our self and each other up in this time of turmoil. No point in sugar coating it but we each have immense inner strength, resilience, that we can draw on. Use it to it’s full potential because it will keep you balanced.
If you find yourself getting snappy, saying nasty things or overwhelmed by anxiety know that none of this is normal. That every single one of us have had our life turned upside down and trampled on. Each of us are fragile in various ways. Missing family and friends, deprived of touch and company, not able to socialise and keep ourselves busy with our usual distractions.
Might be time to find other healthier distractions, such as hobbies, helping, networking … coz sulking, avoidance and fear can become insurmountable. So rather than chew another out, extend a warm smile leave a book, a rock, a teddy bear in your window or on a seat … share the love or whatever brings you joy!
As your heart opens it heals those around you. Use humour, nature, write, create … find your healing outlet and as your mood lifts it ripples out to others and we all feel lighter and brighter.
Now enough from me, know that you are loved, that I am thinking of you, that I hold you in my heart and my prayers, that I wish you nothing but the best … know that you ROCK! And if this has helped even in a small way then please pass it on to whomever it may help so that we can support and heal each other.
How I dread chain letters but if this one can help please make it one … a chain of tender sincere love to warm and nurture you as you deal with all that comes your way today and in the following months. You may feel alone but know that you are not …
much love aunty Kate
PS you are my rainbow, my sunshine, you are divine … remember that!
Suicide. It’s a word that scares many and brings hope to others. I started my blog elizareasonstolive (which for now is down) when I wanted to focus on the reasons to live, rather than reasons to die. I would post reasons to live, at the same time as doing things to end my life. I lived on the edge. Which is what I wanted to do. I wanted suicide, and I wanted to believe in hope.
Slowly, my life changed. I stopped using, stopped self harming, started eating, and started living in the world. (They’re all still things I can struggle with). I learned what it means to be present. I learnt, am learning, boundaries. And I learnt a lot about myself. I always thought it was about the end destination. About getting somewhere. Instead, I learnt that it was about the journey.
I learnt that the journey is the destination. I started my current blog when I wanted a space to ramble and write things that weren’t just reasons to live or that offered hope. Writing gave me a lot. Writing is the best therapy I could ever have given to myself. When I wrote letters to myself I accessed a part of myself that I never knew existed. I never knew I could talk to myself nicely. I never knew that there was any part of me that believed I was worth it.
Today, today I can’t say my life is perfect, but today I’m happy to embrace the imperfection. There is so much I want from my life. I’d love to know who I am and what I want from my life. I’m looking forward to learning it. Life is a learning game.
For the most part, I’m grateful that I have this chance. There are times I can get stuck in my head, and the biggest thing I’m focusing on at the moment is to stop overthinking. To live. To be. I’m trying to live in this world and not leave this world to live instead in my head.
Nothing and no one is perfect. No one has it easy. Not everyone feels guilty for living. Not everyone knows that by living they’re hurting others. I’ve learned, am learning, to let go of others. To be myself, for myself. I’m learning who I am. And, life is a learning game.
My blog is a positive space. I want it to stay that way. It’s a space where I share some awesome pictures – I love taking photographs even though I don’t publish most.
It’s a space that I want to use to spread love, light, and glitter. I can’t say I use it well, but really it’s just my space. A space I’m grateful for and where I’ve met some awesome people.
Remember, you are worth it. When you reach rock bottom, there is a way up. Don’t believe anyone who tells you it’s easy. Or that it’s your fault. Or that you’re crazy. There is not always another choice. Someone once told me that self harming was my way of looking after myself. And she was right. I was taking care of myself, coping, the best way I knew how. Also, don’t believe anyone who tells you there’s no hope. For there is always hope. I used to feel I was trapped. That no matter how much I tried I was and would always be stuck. I wasn’t depressed. There just wasn’t a way out. And suicide was the best answer. I’m not actually sure how come what I did to myself never harmed me. But I’m not going to complain. I can’t say I’m grateful that I was born. I can say that once I’m here I’m going to make the most of it and try to use every moment. I know life is just temporary. And that you are worth it and way stronger than you believe.
I wonder if I’ll fully write this post. Maybe if I keep it short. I replied to this in a comment to Keith, and said it deserves a post of its own. I’m in the middle of writing numerous posts. If I don’t finish it, it just doesn’t happen. I know how to go with the flow. I don’t know how to get back to writing something I started. Well, we’ll see if this is something I’ll publish or not. Bring that I haven’t written anything yet!!!!
It’s always easiest to explain what I mean when I bring it to my life.
EV is an older email friend of mine. Someone put us in touch for that purpose. She feels old which I find funny. I guess I’ve grown up in an older family so don’t see 70 as old. Though we’ve been in touch since she was early 60s. Rambling off tangent as usual. Anyways, I used to ask her for reassurance that she was there. A lot. Until it got to the point that it wasn’t healthy. (We worked through it, got past it). It taught me a lot that relationship.
It taught me that she could never tell me enough that she was there. However much she would tell me I wouldn’t, couldn’t, believe it or hear it.
AH – my ex therapist – once told me that I wasn’t believing that he could possibly care about me.
Safety. Trust. Believing people can care. Believing you’re worth it. Believing you are lovable.
I used to think it can come from others. I used to think people can pour it into the cup. Until I learned that if you pour into a cup that has no bottom nothing can stay in. It’s bottomless. Nothing is ever, can ever, be enough.
There has to be a cup there. When there is a cup there, people can pour into it.
So is it the internal or the external?
Well really, it’s a mixture of both. The external can never be absorbed unless there is the internal. However, that’s not to say that nobody external can help you build the internal. Also, take a crack with gaps. The water stays in the cup. It may drop out and need refilling more often, but the water poured into it stays. And, people can definitely help you build the cup.
I stopped asking for reassurance in relationships. Any kinda relationship I mean. Because I realised that I didn’t hear what was said. I couldn’t hear it and the words made no difference. (That didn’t stop me from listening almost daily to AH’s voice message telling me I wouldn’t push him away).
And I feel like this isn’t worth posting for it doesn’t really say anything…
For yes, I think we all know that there has to be a cup to pour things into if we want it to stay. It has to be internally absorbed, known, for the external to make a difference. And I also think we all know that people can help you build that cup. That the external sources can help you build that internal resource.