When there’s nothing to say…

Trigger warning suicidality. ... the past week has been chaotic. Chaotic is an understatement. And there is no way I'd ever write in public what I'm thinking or doing at the time. I wouldn't even wrote it in password protected posts. Because they could be read. Even though I know most people don't read them.…

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I want to stop using.

There. I said it. I want to stop using. I don't like to post twice in a day. But I'm going to post this anyways... I feel like I can't breathe. I'm scared to want to stop. I'm scared because I know I need it. I'm scared because it gives me a handle on life.…

Trigger warning.

Not for under 18s. There's nothing to write for it's all just lies and more lies. I don't know what's reality and what's not. What's reality? Right now I'm sitting on the floor leaning against my bed. I feel the floor. I feel the bed. I feel tears in my eyes. I see the screen.…

Dialogue with myself about Hope and Destruction

19th July 2020 E, who is running the show?Life, I think.What does 'Life' look like?Not Life. Hope is.What does 'Hope' look like?Not like Destruction. What does Destruction look like?I can't see because it is so all encompassing that it is everything so not possible to define it.What does Hope want?Love.Can you give Hope Love?No. I…

Inner child

I often would fantasise at night. As in imagine myself in a situation. Not healthy fantasies. I've been listening to ACA meetings - adult children of alcoholics. My parents weren't alcoholics for the record. I've really related to it. The depiction of feelings. Of black and white thinking. Approval. Can go on. So the last…

Random thoughts/update. TW.

I'm trigger warning this because I have no idea what I'll be writing and I don't need to filter what I say. It's easier for me to just write. SG I trust you to choose. This week has been long. I slept last night! I woke up a few times but I actually slept. That's…