Trigger warning suicidality. ... the past week has been chaotic. Chaotic is an understatement. And there is no way I'd ever write in public what I'm thinking or doing at the time. I wouldn't even wrote it in password protected posts. Because they could be read. Even though I know most people don't read them.…
I want to stop using.
There. I said it. I want to stop using. I don't like to post twice in a day. But I'm going to post this anyways... I feel like I can't breathe. I'm scared to want to stop. I'm scared because I know I need it. I'm scared because it gives me a handle on life.…
Trigger warning.
Not for under 18s. There's nothing to write for it's all just lies and more lies. I don't know what's reality and what's not. What's reality? Right now I'm sitting on the floor leaning against my bed. I feel the floor. I feel the bed. I feel tears in my eyes. I see the screen.…
Protected: Journaling 102. TW cocodamol
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Letter to myself: 16th August 2020. I love you and I’m glad you’re here.
Dear E I'm glad you're here. I'm grateful to be on this journey. And I'm hopeful for where this journey could lead. I'm with you always E, and I will be with you always. Through the ups and through the downs. Keep rebuilding. Take the pieces and create something new. You get to choose what…
Dialogue with myself about Hope and Destruction
19th July 2020 E, who is running the show?Life, I think.What does 'Life' look like?Not Life. Hope is.What does 'Hope' look like?Not like Destruction. What does Destruction look like?I can't see because it is so all encompassing that it is everything so not possible to define it.What does Hope want?Love.Can you give Hope Love?No. I…
Inner child
I often would fantasise at night. As in imagine myself in a situation. Not healthy fantasies. I've been listening to ACA meetings - adult children of alcoholics. My parents weren't alcoholics for the record. I've really related to it. The depiction of feelings. Of black and white thinking. Approval. Can go on. So the last…
Is this what staying with reality looks like?
This is what I wrote on instagram now. The last line is what I'm thinking about here. (It will be easier to understand if you've read what I wrote here.) I said that the truth is I still don't know what to do with myself. I've woken myself up, but I haven't done anything. What…
Letter to myself: 12th August 2020. I’m with you.
Dear E I'm here. I'm with you. I'm sorry I can't take your pain away. I can be with you. I am with you. I will be with you. I can't ease the pain. I can, am, and will stay with you through it. You will get past it E. Life, just living, doesn't always…
Random thoughts/update. TW.
I'm trigger warning this because I have no idea what I'll be writing and I don't need to filter what I say. It's easier for me to just write. SG I trust you to choose. This week has been long. I slept last night! I woke up a few times but I actually slept. That's…
Journey to life 