This is what I wrote on instagram now. The last line is what I’m thinking about here. (It will be easier to understand if you’ve read what I wrote here.) I said that the truth is I still don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve woken myself up, but I haven’t done anything. What I missed out is that maybe this is what being with it looks like. Shaking in bed. Putting on music. Not letting myself think at all because I can’t think about it. Maybe this is what staying with reality is about. I wonder. I wonder if that’s what the real world looks like. The not knowing. The just letting the not knowing be. And nor knowing a lil bit more.
I’m here. I’m with you. I’m sorry I can’t take your pain away. I can be with you. I am with you. I will be with you. I can’t ease the pain. I can, am, and will stay with you through it.
You will get past it E. Life, just living, doesn’t always hurt so much. Some days are easier. Some days are harder. Some days will be easier. Some days will be harder. Every day I will hold your hand and stay with you. Every day I will be ready to hold you if you let me.
I love you E. I will always love you. There is no way you can ever obliterate my love for you.
Always and forever
I’m trigger warning this because I have no idea what I’ll be writing and I don’t need to filter what I say. It’s easier for me to just write. SG I trust you to choose.
This week has been long.
I slept last night! I woke up a few times but I actually slept. That’s really major for me….
Monday night I was thinking. About life. About using cocodamol. About getting to another side. Whether it’s possible. About helping someone get help now so that if I’m not here they’ll have the help I would’ve given to them had I been here. About writing a letter to my sis that she should know that if anything happened to me it wasn’t intentional.
You know what they say, that when you reach bottom the only way is up? It’s not actually true. When you reach bottom you can let it embrace you or choose life. I’m choosing life. I’m deciding to believe that there is another side that I can get to.
There’s destruction. And there’s life. I don’t know how I’m going to get from one side to the other. I don’t know how I’m going to stop using cocodamol. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it.
Some positive things.
I signed up for an MBSR – mindfulness – course. I could choose a zoom one now or face to face in a couple months. I’m choosing face to face and I hope it happens. I guess if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. And truth is one shouldn’t do such a course whilst using and when the first zoom one starts I can’t imagine I’ll have stopped so maybe it’s better to wait for that reason to.
Been trying to get hold of my GP but haven’t managed to. It’s his responsibility to do something when he knows I’m ODing every day. He doesn’t know just how much I’m taking because last time I’d only taken x. Either way he should actually do something or pass it on if he can’t. I plan on guilt tripping him if I need to – I asked R’ R what he thought. I’m really touched by him. He called a GP when I texted him to find out what the GPs responsibility is, and told me to go ahead and guilt trip him if I need to. If not for that I’d feel bad to. I’m hoping I don’t need to. Because I can’t imagine myself being able to guilt trip anyone. It’s just not me.
I’ve told my sister what’s going on. She doesn’t know the risk factor. I told her that I don’t know if there is one, but that there could be. That cocodamol has never done anything to me in the past, and I’ve no way to know what it could do. Also told her exactly what I’d tell my GP if need be. How I’d guilt trip him. That’s actually what told her there could be a risk factor. We’ve – my sister and I – really built our relationship these past few months. There’s been a lot of openness and honesty that is good for us both. I’m still finding it strange how there are things I’ve really worked through that she hasn’t. For I’m the one destroying my life, not her.
Someone suggested I work through the 12 steps. One of the mottos in recovery is HOW. Someone once told me that willingness means doing anything anyone suggests. So if this is what she has suggested…. I’ve never liked NA because there wasn’t real recovery. I also don’t agree with a couple of the principles of 12 step fellowships. However, what I don’t agree with isn’t actually relevant at the moment. It can’t harm me. And if I get to a place where I come across what I don’t agree with, that’s actually only a good thing. So, along these lines, the person who suggested it told me she’d look out for people. I’ve begun reading through the big book. If I want TC would take me through the steps – I’ll think about it. If no one else, will do. I love TC and don’t want to change our relationship. Reached out to someone random and will see where life takes us regarding this.
I’m grateful I slept last night.
My friend told me she doesn’t feel responsible and will tell me if it’s too much. I needed to ask her because I was scared. I shouldn’t need to hear that as often as I do, that she won’t take responsibility that isn’t hers, but, I do need to. I can’t share with someone if it’s going to harm them. Ultimately that would harm me.
The conversations I had on Sunday and Monday night is what triggered feeling there would never be a way put on Monday night. Sunday I was on the phone to TC. I told her I got her parcel. She said she had been terrified I wouldn’t be here to get it. That felt like someone punched me in the stomach. Asides for the guilt at giving her that fear. I didn’t think she had anything to fear. Though I know how much, um, maybe she did have what to fear. On Monday I was talking to a friend and told her about the conversation. I scared her. Which wasn’t my plan. I don’t like scaring people. And I was wondering how real their fear was. If they had a right to be scared. As in, if there was anything to be scared of. If I should be scared. Which of course I never have been. It’s not like I was suicidal or trying to kill myself. It’s not like I could care if it killed me either. Hence being up all Monday night. Well I’ve been up most the night most nights this past month.
Hence getting to the place where I know I have to choose. Knew I had to choose. Let destruction destroy me or believe in the other side. Believe in the possibility of living life without cocodamol. Without ED is different for, maybe for it’s not as destructive and isn’t actually going to kill me at the moment. I’ve been eating more anyways. Been eating between 5 and 7 hundred a day. Which is more than between 3 and 450. Using more too. If I’m lucky it’s about x a day. Not really counting. Though today I’ll keep the wrappers for I want to give my GP a number when I speak to him.
Really, believing in life is a choice. It’s a choice whether to believe in hope. To believe that there is another side. A side of living without destruction. I’m choosing to believe in it. I’ve chosen to believe in it. In the possibility of life.
That’s why when you reach rock bottom the only way isn’t up. Either you go up, or you go down. I’m choosing to go up. But it’s not the only way. I could choose death instead. Even though I’m not suicidal, I don’t want to kill myself – I don’t know if I care dying or not, I don’t think I do but maybe really I do and am just not aware of it – I could choose death. I could choose to just use as much as I was a couple weeks ago before I decided to cut down in the afternoons. I could use more knowing it could destroy me. I’m choosing life. And that’s a choice. I’m choosing hope. Which is also a choice. I’m choosing to believe I can get to another side.
I’m grateful for the honesty with my sis. Because she is someone I really don’t want to hurt. I’m grateful for the people in my life without whom I don’t think I would have ever left the bubble of destruction I was living in. I’m grateful for the people here on WP. I’m not naming you but I think – hope – that you know who you are, and how much your support here, your comments and thoughts, really means to me. I’m grateful for a random person I reached out to. She’s the one who suggested I go back to a 12 step programme. She is just so nice. She gave me her address and told me to come over anytime. Whilst I don’t think I would, I’m touched. She really meant it…. and I’m grateful that I can reach out to others. I’m grateful. It’s not something I’ve ever been able to do in the past.
This past month or so feels like it has been way way longer than just a few short weeks. Every day has so much. So so much.
I’m grateful that I’m journalling again. That’s something positive too. I’m aiming to journal every day. And have been writing in my gratitude journal – up to 1200 now. And been going out in nature. I can’t run, or even walk much, but one day hopefully I’ll be able to.
I have what to write about the above quotes. Another time. This is long enough. If anyone has actually taken the time to read through all this rambling nonsense, I really appreciate it….. thank you…
Love, light and glitter
This article is really great…
Love, light and glitter
I’m thinking about this. About password protecting my last posts. Because they’re on the darker side and that’s not what my blog is meant to be about. I don’t care for my sake if they’re up. I posted them, and it helped me to write, and you people here have been invaluable. Thank you for being here, and for believing in me. Thank you for your messages C and J. I’m just not sure if I should keep the posts up. If it’s helpful to anyone or not at all. I’d love thoughts…
This week has been a good one. It’s been chaotic and good. And busy. Still messing up and living with destruction, but it’s not the only thing at all. And I’m proud of how I handled my sister – I may still write about it if it’ll help me to. I overreacted in my mind, but in reality I really handled it well. And been trying to get back to journaling which really helps me. A friend bought me a diamond art painting which I did, so ordered another, and have the awesomest I believe in you box to keep the diamonds in (I hope you’re reading this 💕).
Been making some pictures for instagram. Haven’t posted most, but here are a couple.
Love, light and glitter
Suicide. It’s a word that scares many and brings hope to others. I started my blog elizareasonstolive (which for now is down) when I wanted to focus on the reasons to live, rather than reasons to die. I would post reasons to live, at the same time as doing things to end my life. I lived on the edge. Which is what I wanted to do. I wanted suicide, and I wanted to believe in hope.
Slowly, my life changed. I stopped using, stopped self harming, started eating, and started living in the world. (They’re all still things I can struggle with). I learned what it means to be present. I learnt, am learning, boundaries. And I learnt a lot about myself. I always thought it was about the end destination. About getting somewhere. Instead, I learnt that it was about the journey.
I learnt that the journey is the destination. I started my current blog when I wanted a space to ramble and write things that weren’t just reasons to live or that offered hope. Writing gave me a lot. Writing is the best therapy I could ever have given to myself. When I wrote letters to myself I accessed a part of myself that I never knew existed. I never knew I could talk to myself nicely. I never knew that there was any part of me that believed I was worth it.
Today, today I can’t say my life is perfect, but today I’m happy to embrace the imperfection. There is so much I want from my life. I’d love to know who I am and what I want from my life. I’m looking forward to learning it. Life is a learning game.
For the most part, I’m grateful that I have this chance. There are times I can get stuck in my head, and the biggest thing I’m focusing on at the moment is to stop overthinking. To live. To be. I’m trying to live in this world and not leave this world to live instead in my head.
Nothing and no one is perfect. No one has it easy. Not everyone feels guilty for living. Not everyone knows that by living they’re hurting others. I’ve learned, am learning, to let go of others. To be myself, for myself. I’m learning who I am. And, life is a learning game.
My blog is a positive space. I want it to stay that way. It’s a space where I share some awesome pictures – I love taking photographs even though I don’t publish most.
It’s a space that I want to use to spread love, light, and glitter. I can’t say I use it well, but really it’s just my space. A space I’m grateful for and where I’ve met some awesome people.
Remember, you are worth it. When you reach rock bottom, there is a way up. Don’t believe anyone who tells you it’s easy. Or that it’s your fault. Or that you’re crazy. There is not always another choice. Someone once told me that self harming was my way of looking after myself. And she was right. I was taking care of myself, coping, the best way I knew how. Also, don’t believe anyone who tells you there’s no hope. For there is always hope. I used to feel I was trapped. That no matter how much I tried I was and would always be stuck. I wasn’t depressed. There just wasn’t a way out. And suicide was the best answer. I’m not actually sure how come what I did to myself never harmed me. But I’m not going to complain. I can’t say I’m grateful that I was born. I can say that once I’m here I’m going to make the most of it and try to use every moment. I know life is just temporary. And that you are worth it and way stronger than you believe.
Love, light, and glitter
Suicideforum.com/community is an awesome peer support that I’m grateful for.
I came across this from 2016. But, I think it has meaning and is relevant today.
Just saw this quote: ‘Perhaps strength doesn’t reside in never having been broken, but in the courage to grow strong in the broken places’
It brings to mind hearing that doctors can look at an xray and see where someone has broken a limb previously – because the tissue around it is strengthened. Which is why one never breaks a leg in the same place (they say).
It seems to be counter intuitive, that, we should be the weakest where we’ve been broken, but I guess I see how it’s possible. When something is broken, so much more is needed to heal that break, than is needed to just continue as if it’s never been broken. It brings to mind what someone was once saying, that she’s really secure in an area of her life that she had to create the knowledge and ability from ground up.
For example, someone who has always believed that they’re special, if someone contests that, they can change their belief, however if someone never believed it and taught it to themselves, that they’re intrinsically worthy, if someone contests that, it’ll make no difference to them.
Which is also the same as what R’ Tatz was saying, he explained the passuk that said that in the place a baal teshuva, someone who has repented, stands, someone who has never sinned or returned can’t reach, he explains that it has to be so for this person is stronger and won’t trip up where they’ve previously stumbled.
Growing strong where you’re broken. Seems like an impossibility. But really, it’s not impossible. Impossible says I’m possible.
Can I believe that? No, not yet. But one day I can.
Love, light and glitter
There is a book called Goodbye Ed. Hello Me. (Ed = eating disorder, by Jenni Schaefer).
I think it goes the other way too. Hello Ed. Goodbye Me.
What does recovery look like?
So many people view recovery as complete abstinence from whatever it is (too many things to list) for life. Although for now that is how it is for me, I need the complete abstinence for else I’ll mess up, I believe it doesn’t have to be that way. I believe recovery means that it’s no longer a part of your life. That it’s a non issue.
What do you think?
Thank you S.S for writing and sharing this. I really appreciate it! For proving that it can be done.
Recovery IS possible.
So long as there’s life, there’s hope.
This post is for Eliza following her request earlier today. Check out her blog https://elizajourneythroughlife.home.blog/.
I’ve written a number of posts about living with and overcoming from an eating disorder. Today I want to talk about living in recovery. I’ve been recovered for about 10 years now. It’s different in so many ways. One of them is having the ability to actively choose to self-soothe with food without going in a full relapse.
Shortly after my mother died I had a stressful day that pushed me to my emotional limits. Grief, stress, and worry weighed on me. One of those days where everything goes wrong and nothing helps relieve it. I’d used every coping skill in my arsenal. I thought about how much I just wanted a piece of cake. I went through the mental gymnastics of how it wouldn’t really make it better and all the reasons why…
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Day 20: What role model are you grateful for?
Hmm. This is a tough one. I’m really not sure. There’s no one I can really think of. There’s actually someone who modelled some of what I really should learn from, but she’s the worst person to choose for a role model. There isn’t really anyone in real life that I know that is really happy and/or living a similar kinda life to me.
I’m going to choose recovery related. TC for showing me what recovery looked like. She’s someone who is genuine, and mostly happy. Who is working towards her dreams… and building them (I hope! For I’m waiting to see the end result). Bike rider Jim an example of what happiness in recovery is. S.S who lives the kinda recovery life I plan on – using what she did in a healthy way today.
Gratitude challenge day 20: Catch
a co-worker someone doing a good job and thank them for it.
I’ll try to remember 🙂
Love, light, and glitter