Bridges we build

Bridges.

Bridges. Bridges. Bridges

The first bridge that comes to mind is the golden gate bridge in San Francisco

Image of the golden gate bridge

I was planning on writing a bridges post in response to Kate’s Friday Fun Challenge. I was specifically thinking about the bridges we build in relationships, how we mend them and repair them. How the bridges make the relationship that bit stronger.

Bridges take us from one place to another. From one world to another. They help us enter arenas we never dreamed possible.

Then I remembered this Ted talk that I once listened to and found inspiring, by Kevin Briggs. He worked by the Golden Gate bridge and was often there to give someone a reason not to jump. The bridge between suicide and life. It feels like the perfect thing to share.

Bridges. So long as we can build bridges, anything is possible.

Love, light and glitter

Eliza

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Thinking about using.

Why did I use?

To destroy myself. I had to get rid of myself and the way to do so was through playing with the edge.

Why did I escape?

Because of the guilt. I escaped with everything and anything. A lot innocuous. I never lived in the world. I was never present. Coz of the guilt for existing. The guilt for being. The knowledge that by living I hurt others. That by living I made others suicidal. By living I’m a threat to others.

What have I learned about the guilt/destruction since stopping using?
Guilt.

I’m not guilty for existing. I still believe I am. More and more there are parts of me that know I’m not. I’ve learned that it’s others issues. I learned that I knew I was guilty. Until I stopped using i never knew that I was guilty. It was only stopping that let me see it. Not stopping. Stopping one thing and going to something more sdestructive. That’s what I did until I was playing with death.

Guilt. I knew I was guilty for thinking. I knew I was guilty for feeling. I knew I was guilty for speaking. I knew I was guilty for existing.

I know. I know no one intentionally taught that to me. I know people who lived through hell (unlike my life which was a relatively happy place) and their belief wasn’t guilt. For honestly there was/is no guilt necessary. I know I’m not responsible. (some part of me knows) I know it’s not my issue. I’m learning to let go of all the responsibility for everyones lives that I always carried, and to, begin to, take responsibility for myself – something I never, ever did.

Destruction

I’ve learned that the need for destruction was an act of love on my part. I wanted to give myself what I deserved. I wasn’t trying to kill myself, but destroy myself. Stopping using taught me that. Stopping self harming taught me that. For then I knew why I wanted to.


I’m the person who can give myself what I need. Something I’ve been learning for a while. All the letters I have written to myself. Writing to myself has helped me to access a part of me that I never knew existed. I had never known I was capable of being so kind, gentle and compassionate with and to myself – the person I hate, abhorred, despised most in the world. The only being I really hated. Myself. I could honour myself. Show myself love.


What have I learned since I’ve stopped using?

Once I stopped using, cocodamol was the last thing I turned to. I stopped escaping. The destruction was still there, still played a role in my life (self harm, eating disordered behaviour if not full blown) but I didn’t escape.

  • I learned to acknowledge what I want.
  • I learned to accept what I want.
  • I learned that most people I turn to will let me down
  • I learned to be present. I first learned I wasn’t present by being present. Being present in the world is one of the biggest things I’ve gained. I’m actually here. It’s using this thought that helps me understand last night – I didn’t feel present. Being here. I chose not to tune out. I can’t always choose not to.
  • I’ve learned how far I still have to go (that’s a diff point). I’ve sen how fair I’ve come. Being present means I can be there. I can actually be there. Without wondering if I exist or am just an illusion.
  • I’ve learned, begun learning, to tune into my body. More like, my body sometimes feels safe enough to give me a message. I only get messages of constriction – the not breathing, chest hurting that can spread everywhere (sometimes a pit in the stomach).
  • I’ve learned to accept what I want to do to myself. Some of what I want to do is too gruesome for me to think about without freaking – unless I’m wanting it now, in which case I let myself want it.
  • I’ve learned that there is a pause. There is a pause that never used to exist. Between what I want and what I do. Because I was so not not present I never knew what I wanted to do until I was in the middle of doing it. Now there is some awareness. A thought. Knowledge.
  • I’ve learned there is choice.
  • I’ve learned that I like touch even if I can’t let others touch me.
  • I’ve begun learning that there is such a thing as feelings and emotions even if I can’t access either.
  • I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve seen how I can’t handle some things and I can others.
  • I’ve learned that I’m way stronger and more courageous than I believe.
  • I’ve learned that I’ve social anxiety.
  • I’ve learned how to ground myself.
  • I’ve learned that I know. I know.
  • I’ve learned that I exist. I exist as a person. I’m allowed to want. I still don’t know what I want. I’ve learned I can want though.
  • I’ve learned that life is a journey of learning. A journey that maybe it’ll be okay to exist for.

I’ve learned. I’ve learned. I can go on and on.

I’ve learned and still learn so much. Every time I want to use or self harm I learn something new about myself. I see – if it’s possible to – why I want what I want.. Which is how I learn what I need.

I don’t know why I want to use so much now. I know it’s not the need for destruction. I know it’s not the escape. It’s a need. A need for – ? I can’t face it now.

If I use. I never will face what the need is or know why I need it. If I don’t use I have that chance. Of learning something new about myself.


My period really does hurt. Not that I feel it as I’m writing this. I don’t know that I won’t use at all over the next week. I don’t know that I won’t use. And, something I’m forgetting, I don’t have a week ahead of me. I only have the moment I’m living. It could be one of those moments I’ll choose to use. My choice now doesn’t have to be based on a choice I’m not yet facing.

One thing that really helps me is grounding myself in the present. I know I said I’m so grateful to be present, yet often enough, I’m not realy present.

I’m tired. I want to cry. I want to use. In some ways I do want destruction, but it’s not the same need it was. I want to self harm. It’s not the same. I don’t understand it. I don’t need to.

I don’t know if I can or can’t do it. I don’t know if I will or won’t get there. I do know that as I said I don’t need to base my choices in the present on the outcomes of a future that doesn’t yet exist. Every moment is a new moment. Even if it all feels the same. Which is doesn’t. For I’m flipping constantly. Between wanting to take a couple of cocodamol – it’s just so, so present and real, and a need – and being okay as I am in the moment. No moment is ever the same. And I have no idea what will or won’t be. Which is as it’s meant to be. I’m not committing to anything. I don’t want to get there. I don’t want to face why I so don’t want to. I want to fail. I want to end up using. I’m allowed to want that. And I can focus on what else I want. I want to be okay. I want to stay okay. I want to keep all I’ve learned and keep learning and taking new steps. The duality. Which can and does exist. Just is. As I. Just am.

Random 273

Tried to sleep but was thinking and shaking so was up. I’m not sure if I should really post this.

I’m stupid. Still shaking after an hour plus. It gets annoying when it goes on and there’s no discernable cause. So I went onto my private diary to write about it for tired of whinging and whining where people can see. And began reading the first few posts I wrote there. The letters I wrote to myself are awesome. Just, I wish I could cry. I’m not there now – it’s when I was OD’ing daily – and just, I dont know. I cant stay on there for it has triggered me. I’m in a good place. I’m tired – it’s late. I want to trigger myself. I dont really.  I want to want to go back there. I want to want to use. I sort of want to use. It was hell and I never want to go through it again and I’m not sure how I survived. Purely on a physical level. I lost a heck of a lot of weight at the time. Constantly got ‘compliments ‘ that you look so good, you lost so much weight. I hadn’t known people thought I didnt look good. Now I knew what they thought.

The playing with the edge. The contradictions. The need for destruction and desire to live life and acting on both and trying not to cross over either line.

The sides are still there. Now I’m beginning to tear. If I let myself, cry. I just don’t talk about it coz its pointless. I don’t engage with it much either. I let it be. I write what I want to do to myself in graphic detail. Never in public of course. If it wasn’t myself writing itd be the most triggering thing possible. I’d never known I could be gruesome. Sometimes I’ll sketch what I want to do to myself. I draw horrendously. It’s cathartic. Makes it real what I want. Real enough that I don’t have to engage with it.

I’m tired. And sad. I’m saying I’m sad but in actuality I’m not sad at all. I don’t actually feel anything. Well, I slightly can’t breathe but that’s been for a couple of hours. I’m shaking which has been for as long. And it’s not negative. It just is.

This is turning into way more of a journal entry than I planned. I want to go back there. I don’t. I want to want to. I don’t know. Yeah, tomorrow is a new day. Just that there is nothing wrong now so I don’t need the tomorrow is a new day.

I was thinking earlier that I wanted to write a post on safety. Well 3 different posts of things I want to write. Part of what I was thinking about when I was trying to sleep and shaking. One of the things was  is, the conversation I had with S. Before putting down the phone she asked me if I felt safe. I replied that I didn’t feel unsafe. And she said she guesses that is as much as shell her from me. I never feel safe. I don’t feel unsafe. And that is actually one of the most amazing things ever. That I’m okay. That I don’t feel unsafe. What was I trying to say? Oh, that I don’t feel unsafe right now. Which is good. Coz I am okay.

Not sure what I am trying to say.

Sadness

I’m sad. I wonder if I have a way to express what I’m thinking. Unless it flows, and the words just work, it doesn’t happen. I don’t do analysing what I write. Either I write. Or I don’t.

I’m sad. Have been since Thursday. Since he killed himself. He killed himself. I didn’t know him. It hurts me so much. That he didn’t see another option. It hits really close to home. He’s from the community I’m as of now still a part of. The community she was in when she killed herself a few months ago. It hurts. I’m sad.

He’ll never have another chance. He chose this. He chose death. He didn’t know that there was a better option. He didn’t know that if he held onto life he may actually be grateful for that choice. One day. Is the years in between, from choosing life, to being grateful for the choice, worth it? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I’m angry with him. For choosing death. When I chose life. I held on. It’s not fair that he shouldn’t have had to do that.

I’m sad. And I’m actually, surprisingly, living with the sadness. I’m living with it. I’m breathing it. I’ve never done that before. Never felt what was going on before. My head hurts with it. My heart hurts with it. I’m spending every night crying or shaking or not sleeping. Shaking in the sense of letting go. Shaking can be because of adrenaline, or it can be the bodies way of letting go. That’s what I’ve been doing. Letting myself experience it. Some of the time. The rest of the time I’m ignoring it. Just living through the day. Enjoying the moments. Being grateful for the days. And then when it comes to the evening when I no longer have time ignore it, feeling it. Living with it. I don’t know what it means like to feel anything. I don’t know how I know what I feel. I don’t know where it is. What it is. I just know that it is. That I’m living it. That I guess I’m proud of myself for doing so.

I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of feeling it. I’m tired of feeling. I know that if I take some cocodamol, or if I self harm, I won’t be sad any longer. If I use I’ll be living in the zone, the zone I’ve forgotten what it feels like, cut off, distant, hazy. If I self harm I’ll be experiencing something different, something other than the constant, seemingly never ending sadness.

It’s not really never ending. The sadness isn’t as intense or as all encompassing as it was. I guess. However never ending it seems and however tired I am of it.

I’m sad. He killed himself. He didn’t see another choice, so chose the only thing he knew was there. And, that’s that I guess. He chose death. And I’m sad. My head is seriously throbbing with it. I relate way too much and there’s way too much of my own life tangled into this, even though I’ve not been able to untangle the threads and see what is about him and what is about me.

Love, light and glitter

Eliza

I wish I could come…

Life
That elusive thing
Breathe in, breathe out
Another moment of life

Reaching the end of the road
Only one path to follow
The other paths concealed
By thorns, barbed wire and all manner of things.

The end of the road, only one path
The one path that will mean
There can never be another choice
Never be another choice

So final, so brutal, ultimate
Yet that seems to be all there is
Seems to be, seems to be
The only option there is

I wish I could come
Show you the thorns are roses
I wish I could come show you
The barbed wire is protection

I wish I could light the stars
Let you know there is light
The only path you see, you know
Isn’t the only path that exists

Death, death is so final
It leaves no other option open
Life, life is freeing, for there always is
Another possibility if you choose it.

I wish I could come
I wish I could come
And I can’t. I can’t.
For you’ve chosen the path
Of no return
You’ve chosen the path
With no other options. Ever.

Letter to god. Part 9

Dear god.

Who are you ? What are you? I thought I was beginning to understand. Yet, I wasn’t. I don’t understand anything.

I wanted to know what you were. And researched and saw that darkness is a lack of light, not an entity of its own. Which would transfer to understanding what you are. Yet you’ve thrown that understanding away.

He ended his life. He lived across the road from her. He ended his life. Darkness became an entity of it’s own. He’ll never see that life could’ve been a beautiful place. You took that away from him.

Who, what, are you? What is an infinity that allows darkness to reign if not the darkness too? I wanted a connection with you. I was upset that I wasn’t tuning into your reality constantly. Why did I care? Do I even want to tune into your reality? What is your reality? Who are you? What are you? How, how, how?

How can you allow this? Who are you that you allow it? Do you allow it or create it? Is there even a difference? Does it make a difference if you just allow it versus creating it? Is a person who stands by watching a murder without doing anything any less of a murderer than the person committing the act?

Who are you? What are you? Why? Why? How can you allow it? How can you make darkness so intense? Why? And what does this mean to our now nonexistent relationship? Do I want a relationship with a/an infinity/god/source that puts such reality in existence?

How? How does it make sense? Why? Why is it fair? How? How can you do it? Why? Why does this happen?

I don’t know what more to say. I don’t know how to make sense of it or what this says about you, the being I was trying to understand and connect to. Do I want that connection? Do I care? How do I even know? It just hurts so much. That he will never get a chance to see another sunrise. He will never hear his heart beat. Because you destroyed that. If you’re the infinity, you took that away. If you could take his life away before he’d lived it, does that mean you don’t value life?

I can’t write to you anymore for I don’t understand anything and am going around in circles.

E

Trigger warning. Why is it fair?

He killed himself. I don’t even know him. He died yesterday. He lived across the road from her. She ended her life in January. I don’t know why anyone told me. I don’t know. It’s not fair. Why? Why is there so much darkness in the world that no light could penetrate? Why is it fair that his life has been taken from him when he has an entire life to still live? He could have had such joy, such light, a life full of meaning, and now he’ll never experience it. Why is that fair? Why? Why do the world stand by? Why is there no resources? They started some sort of helpline here. If you’re asking me, it’s nowhere near enough. A night for men, a night for women, and a day each. That’s nothing. Not a drop in the ocean. And referrals to resources, do you have a list of resources? I wanted to get in touch with the organisers. I still do. I still will. Why? Why is there such darkness in the world? Darkness is a lack of light. So the question isn’t really that. It’s more why is there no light? And why is there such pain that the darkness becomes an entity on its’ own rather than just a lack? It’s not fair. He’ll never know what could’ve been…..

Why is it fair? Why is it fair that an innocent boy doesn’t see another choice? Why is it fair that he is never going to see all that could have been? Why is it fair that he’ll never see another sunrise or sunset? Why is it fair that his family will never see him smile again? Why is it fair that his family will wonder what they could have done? Why is it fair that he will never open his eyes to another day? Why is it fair that he can never have another choice? Why is it fair that he won’t have one last breath? Why is it fair? Why is it fair? Why? Why? Why? Why is it fair? How can it be? How can the world be? How can such darkness exist? How can there be no place for the light to penetrate? How can the walls collapse so far inwards that there’s never another choice? Why? Why? Why?

And why is it fair that it takes something so sad to show me that I’m able to experience pain? That I’m able to cry over it even though I can never ever cry? Why is it fair that something so sad shows me in comparison to last time that I’m in a better place? Why is it fair that it takes this to show me I don’t want suicide any longer? Why is it fair? Why? Why? Why is it fair?

Why? Why? Why? Why? How can it be? Why? How can anyone live through another day knowing they didn’t do anything? Why? Why is it fair? Why?

Why? Why is it fair? How is it fair? Why? Why? Why?

Why is it fair? He’ll never get to see his siblings smile. He’ll never see the ocean. He’ll never see colours. He’ll never see. He’ll won’t be here for another moment of life. Why? How is it fair? How can it be? Why is it fair? How is it possible? Why? Why? Why? Why is it fair?

So long as there’s life, there’s hope. There’s no longer any hope left for him. For he isn’t here for it. He isn’t here to see that there’s another choice. He isn’t here to see that as long as there’s life, there’s choice. He isn’t here to see all that could’ve been. He isn’t here. Why? Why? Why is it fair? How is it fair? Why? Why is it fair?

Why? Why is it fair??????????????? Why?

Why is it fair??

I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself – RTL

I’m sad. Well, I don’t feel anything at all at the moment. I’m reblogging part of the letter I wrote a few months back – what I wish I could have said before she/he succeeded. What I wish I could write to every single person who faces the question, should they hang on for another day of life or end it now. Is there a purpose? There is no purpose? What for? Why live? I wish I could come and sit with every person feeling that way. Either way, I wrote this to someone (who had succeeded) back in January. The full letter is here. I was going to include more in this post but I’ve decided not to.

If you’re reading this I’m guessing you’re suicidal. Have thought, are thinking of, suicide as a viable option. I know that place. Where the only option is to end your life in order to end the pain. It isn’t about ending your life I know. It’s about stopping the world. Getting off from a world you didn’t ask to be part of. Maybe that’s just how I see it. The train moving way too fast on the tracks, the tracks ending at a cliff, the train is going to hurtle down the cliff and you’re going to be shattered to pieces at the bottom. Or you can just get off the train of life.

….

What I wish you could know with all certainty, is that you are worth it. That you are special. That you are beautiful. Just because you are. Just because you exist. You are. Therefore you’re awesome. I know it’s hard to see or believe that at the moment. That it doesn’t make a difference if it’s true or not. Just know that I believe in you. That I trust you. That I know you have way more strength and beauty than you can ever imagine. If you’re able to feel such pain, it says something about you. It tells me just how far your love can go. Just how amazing you are.

I’m sad. I’m sad that you’re sad. I’m sad that the world is sad. I’m sad that I can’t actually come and sit with you right now. I’m sad.

The full letter can be read here. I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself — Reasons to live

Song of the day: Scars to your beautiful – Alessia Cara

Lyrics

She just wants to be beautiful
She goes unnoticed, she knows no limits
She craves attention, she praises an image
She prays to be sculpted by the sculptor
Oh, she don’t see the light that’s shining
Deeper than the eyes can find it
Maybe we have made her blind
So she tries to cover up her pain and cut her woes away
‘Cause cover girls don’t cry after their face is made

But there’s a hope that’s waiting for you in the dark
You should know you’re beautiful just the way you are
And you don’t have to change a thing, the world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful
Oh-oh, oh-oh
And you don’t have to change a thing, the world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful

She has dreams to be an envy, so she’s starving
You know, covergirls eat nothing
She says beauty is pain and there’s beauty in everything
What’s a little bit of hunger?
I could go a little while longer, she fades away
She don’t see her perfect, she don’t understand she’s worth it
Or that beauty goes deeper than the surface
Oh, oh
So to all the girls that’s hurting
Let me be your mirror, help you see a little bit clearer
The light that shines within

There’s a hope that’s waiting for you in the dark
You should know you’re beautiful just the way you are
And you don’t have to change a thing, the world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful

Oh-oh, oh-oh
And you don’t have to change a thing, the world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful

No better you than the you that you are (no better you than the you that you are)
No better life than the life we’re living (no better life than the life we’re living)
No better time for your shine, you’re a star (no better time for your shine, you’re a star)
Oh, you’re beautiful, oh, you’re beautiful

And there’s a hope that’s waiting for you in the dark
You should know you’re beautiful just the way you are
And you don’t have to change a thing, the world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful
Oh-oh, oh-oh
And you don’t have to change a thing, the world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful

Song of the day: Here for a reason – Ashes Remain

This song has been playing in my head…

Lyrics

You are not forgotten
You are not alone
You think you’re worthless but you’re worth it
And he calls you his own
Made in his image
You were made for more
You think there is no plan that it’s all by chance
But don’t believe that anymore

Every time that you wake up breathing
Every night when you close your eyes
Every day that your heart keeps beating
There’s purpose for your life
So don’t give up
Don’t lay down
Just hold on
Don’t quite now
Every breath that you take has meaning
You are
Here for a reason
You’re, you’re
Here for a reason

If you’ve spent your days
Just getting by
When you feel useless he can use you
And show you what it means to be alive (alive)

Every time that you wake up breathing
Every night when you close your eyes
Every day that your heart keeps beating
There’s purpose for your life
So don’t give up
Don’t lay down
Just hold on
Don’t quite now
Every breath that you take has meaning
You are
Here for a reason

Every day
Is a gift from above
Don’t throw it away
When it feels like too much He’ll be there

Every time that you wake up breathing
Every night when you close your eyes
Every day that your heart keeps beating
There’s purpose for your life
So don’t give up
Don’t lay down
Just hold on
Don’t quite now
Every breath that you take has meaning
You are
Here for a reason