MBSR (4) – Todays zoom class 3/8

Mindfulness attitudes – Beginner’s Mind or Curiosity, Patience, Non-judging, Non-striving, Kindness and Compassion towards ourselves and others, Trust, Acceptance or Allowing, Letting Go 

Today was a mixture.

At the beginning we were told that one of the participants of the group wouldn’t be coming back. I found that jarring and we weren’t given time to process that. Yes I know most people don’t need time. I found it jarring because, because she had said last week that as soon as she was present she was sad. I could relate to that. It’s not what this course is giving to me. I’m not overwhelmed by emotions being mindful. Being mindful, for me, means what I said in my last post – grounded and present. So although what she shared isn’t my reality, it could be. I’m destroying myself. She wasn’t. I’ve been destroying myself long before this course and if anything being mindful will stop it – it won’t, it’s not about that for me – but yeah. I found it jarring. And sad. That was the first sentence.

We then started off with a mindfulness of body and breath which I actually focused on quite a bit. Then we went into breakout rooms to discuss the last weeks experience with practice. Last week the breakout room was 3 of us. This week was 4, which was too much for me. No space to be. Or speak. Afterwards everyone shared their thoughts with the group. I didn’t. I had what to say. My thoughts were/are pretty much all I’ve written. That I’ve been tuning into my body awareness in space and time a lot. Being very physically aware of myself. Tuning into breathing. And mainly just where exactly I am. That includes the sounds around me – which they for some reason have never yet brought up. Not always. Not at all always. But more. More and more. Even if it’s just twice a day that is awesome.

I’ve been less distracted during the body scans. Well, sometimes. I think that doing the practices no matter how distracted I am throughout is practicing focusing. And being aware. Being aware if how distracted I am is great, too. And once I tried doing the body and breath twice in a row. What I had found was that it took until the end until I finally focused a bit. So I relistened, and was a lot more focused the second time around.

That took until ten past. I’m trying to remember what was next. I can’t actually remember.

We then did mindfulness movement which made me feel like I was going to sleep. I discovered that very minor movements actually hurt me. Was interesting to see. Especially because the same movement – lifting my arm to shoulder height – sometimes hurt and sometimes didn’t. I could lift my left arm higher than my right. I was trying to experiment with slightly different movements. Sometimes it hurt other times not, I couldn’t figure out what caused it to hurt though… I was trying to see what I was doing differently but couldn’t see. I wonder if ED has a part to play in how the movements hurt. I think just exacerbated for I’ve always been extremely sensitive. What I also found interesting was when we were bringing our index fingers together with our eyes closed. I missed. I was shocked I missed! Definitely didn’t expect that… it was putting me to sleep.

I thought of sharing my experience but the facilitators asked the people who shared about what they were saying. I wouldn’t handle the questions. So didn’t.

They were then talking about how feel the edge of the comfort zone, you can do that physically and emotionally. Stay with the edge or retreat intentionally. For me staying with the edge emotionally mostly means it won’t exist, but if I’d do it sometimes it does. Sometimes I can stay with that edge.

Had a break then.

After the break spoke about non striving. I don’t really agree. They were saying to accept your reality. But I think the point is that we weren’t really disagreeing. Just they were being a little extreme. Because sometimes you have to strive. And that’s not a contradiction to accepting where you’re at. For example in order for me to live the life I want to I have to accept where I’m at and I have to strive. If I don’t accept where I’m at I’m living in denial. If I don’t strive I’ll end up dead.

Then they showed an image of what not accepting and accepting and put a bridge and asked us how we’d bridge it. How do we get from the negative and judgement from where we are to the mindfulness and non judgement. For the first time I tried to share. Because it would just be giving a word. I said curiosity. I wasn’t heard. I tried again to say acceptance after a couple other suggestions but again wasn’t heard. And then they went and said you bridge it with curiosity. And I freaked out. And I stayed with the freaking out.

The last few minutes was a short breathing space practice – I wasn’t able to focus at all on it as was freaking out. What it is: sit in whatever position. Be aware of your body in the position you’re in. Focus on your breathing in your stomach. Maybe count breaths a few times to help focus. Focus on breathing in your body. Time into your body. Tune into the world.

Was still freaking. They gave the homework. And I journalled a tad. Wrote a really short letter to myself that you matter. And wrote that out to myself – you matter/exist/are important.

And that was today’s. 3 out of 8.

Trigger warning.

Not for under 18s.

There’s nothing to write for it’s all just lies and more lies. I don’t know what’s reality and what’s not.

What’s reality?

Right now I’m sitting on the floor leaning against my bed. I feel the floor. I feel the bed. I feel tears in my eyes. I see the screen. I hear a ticking of a timepiece. I hear some raindrops. I hear the washing machine and the dryer.

I haven’t packed. I’ve been staring at my phone knowing I’m alone and knowing I can’t reach out to anyone for if I do and don’t get a response I’ll completely spiral. My head is tilted to the side. My feet are a bit numb. I’m swallowing.

Not sure what tops to pack. It’s cold weather. I want it to be hot because wanted to wear whatever I wanted without the constraints that living at home, religion and Judaism place on me. I need space to explore, to be. I’m not going to get that space.

Holding a really cute superdry tshirt on my lap. It’s really too cold for it. I’m not sure whether to keep it as it’ll only fit me now whilst I’ve lost weight.

SM was in my house today. She told me I look like I’ve lost weight. Do I? I can’t see it. Some body parts I can feel my bones.

Changing position to be doing a full body squat. Haven’t done that for ages. Or any exercise at all.

I haven’t used enough. And I’ve taken too much.

My head is one of contradictions.

I’m trying to be aware of my body in my room.

I’m tired. I don’t want to say anything I think or feel because it registers to me as lies. And I can’t handle lies or incongruence at the moment. Maybe that’s also a lie… who knows.

Changed body squat position. Not sure which one is better. I still have a stomach. Like, really visible. Weird I guess how I’ve lost weight everywhere but there. It’s not about weight. Weight is just a bonus. Or is it? I rarely look in the mirror. I don’t believe I see in the mirror what others see when they look at me. So why would I look in the mirror? I don’t really ever think anything much of my body either way. I dislike the acne scars. When I look. When I don’t look I don’t see them. People talk about liking or disliking their bodies. My body is just my body. Nothing to like or dislike. Except when I want to destroy it, but then it’s not really my body I’m trying to destroy, but myself.

Why’m I in this space?

Who cares.

It doesn’t really help to write. Especially because I can’t connect to it so it’s not like writing is doing anything or processing anything. It’s just giving me something to do with time. Time that thing I don’t know what to do with. To do with myself. Also that thing I don’t know what to do with.

I guess disconnection is good. I don’t actually care if I’m dead or alive. Rather than wanting to be dead. I chose life. So not like would have done anything either way. That weird thing life.

MBSR (2) – Primary and Secondary Experiences

Mindfulness attitudes - Beginner’s Mind or Curiosity, Patience, Non-judging, Non-striving, Kindness and Compassion towards ourselves and others, Trust, Acceptance or Allowing, Letting Go 

I don’t think I’ll write this well but wanted to put this down for someone here.

Random thought. Mindfulness reminds me a lot of Innate Health. Of just being.


Reminder of mindfulness attitudes

• Beginners mind – curiosity
• Not judging
• Patience
• Non striving – don’t stress too much – have a goal but don’t put too much pressure/time frame
• Kindness and compassion to self and others.
• Trust in the process and yourself.
• Acceptance and allowing – letting whatever you experience be, and accept it. It just is.
• Letting go. Being in the moment. Letting things be as they are.


There are our primary experiences. Our secondary experiences. And tertiary experiences. Going on and on.

The primary experience is what actually happened. In the mindfulness class they gave the example of being stuck in a traffic jam. The secondary experience which they called everything is how you react to that. The tertiary experience would be the reaction to the reaction – I know they didn’t say it but I think it’s true. And we can go on and on. I just don’t know the name for number 4 which is why I’m not saying fourthery…

There are 3 ways we experience things

  1. Physically/somatically – in our bodies
  2. Mentally – in our heads (thoughts)
  3. Emotionally – our feelings.

These are all secondary to what happened.

Primary – I’m stuck in a traffic jam 》 secondary – I may panic (physically) I’m going to be late, and/or wonder what everyone will think of me (mentally), and/or be angry I’m stuck (emotionally). 》Tertiary – I may feel guilty for being angry. I may think I shouldn’t care. I may judge myself for whatever my reactions are…..


I didn’t sleep all night and I’m exhausted the next day which gives me much less headspace for people.

That’s what happened. Those are the facts. Usually I may get frustrated and upset and blame myself or shut down.

The point of mindfulness is just to be aware. To identify the actual experience. To identify the response. To identify after that.

If I’m aware of what the actual experience is, I can stop the spiral. For me that’s the thought spiral as I don’t feel much or really experience anything much in my body.


I’m late for work.

The fact is I’m late for work. It happens to all of us. I could panic. I could know that I’ll be fired because I was late. I could judge myself for being s bad teacher. I could break down in tears.

I could then also react to my reaction. If someone made me late and I yelled at them I could hate myself for that.

Or I could pause. Either in the middle or afterwards. And see, okay I was late for the work. If I notice it there. Or see that I was late for work and yelled. I was late for work and cried. I was late for work and panicked. Whatever the experience was, was.

The best example I can think of is the thought spiral I entered when I knew my period was going to start in a couple days, and that lead to the surety that I’d be dead through suicide. When I was aware of the entire spiral I actually found it funny. Because c’mon. I have my period every month (or not). We all do (or not). I found it humourous to see how that my period was going to start had translated to I’m going to kill myself. Following and identifying the thought cycle that had lead there was eye opening. Not exactly on primary and secondary experiences, but on topic.

MBSR – mindfulness course, thoughts (1)

Mindfulness attitudes - Beginner’s Mind or Curiosity, Patience, Non-judging, Non-striving, Kindness and Compassion towards ourselves and others, Trust, Acceptance or Allowing, Letting Go 

Just noticed that my upper arms were tense. But coz I noticed it they aren’t so much (often when I tune into something it’s too much so isn’t there) . I’m definitely more aware of my body. Ive been writing out some of my last letters to myself, in them I was often grounding myself in them. Describing where my body is in space and time. Was interesting kinda to read and rewrite. Like now I feel my body pressing into the bed. My neck is turned. I hear music playing. The room is a bit hot. The cover is on my arm.

I’m doing that – noticing my body a lot the last couple weeks. I’m thinking it’s coz of this MBSR course. I think that’s partially why but not only. I think it’s because of the one I did a year, or was it 2 years ago, too. I’m grateful I’m doing it again. Even if and though I can’t share during it. When they email us the homework I hope to reply to ask if they can offer us to share our thoughts both by jumping in like it has been, or through the chat feature.

I did talk. Near the beginning they split us into breakout rooms to discuss last weeks homework. And they put me with a girl who looks to be around my age. Well anywhere between 20 and 30. And a guy. And they both weren’t talking so I started it. After the breakout rooms, in the group, every person shared with everyone what they thought. Well, almost everyone :). Thankfully I was the last person they asked. So it was a non issue that I didn’t. I couldn’t. Which is why it was only almost everyone. One of the guys didn’t realise I had been on last week. Probably coz of that. That everyone else who was on spoke. There were 2 or 3 new people. I like a lot of them.

I’m liking the course. Because just the fact of doing it helps. Because I’m remembering more to just see where I am now. Because part of the homework is to choose a daily task to be mindful during I hadn’t chosen an activity. So often during the day I thought I hadn’t, so just tuned in to where exactly I am and what’s going on. Like this moment I feel the phone in my hands, the air, breathing.

And they take away all pressure. They’re very much there is no right and wrong. It’s in the scripts. Everything is do this if it’s good, if it’s not don’t. Interesting to hear the people giving the course completely reading off the scripts. I know it’s scripted because there are recordings by others on the MIND site and they’re using the exact same words the entire time. The focus is acceptance, awareness, compassion, curiosity.

Someone said that the last one made her sad. As soon as she was tuning in to her body she was just so sad. Rich, one of the instructors (there’s 3, one who has trained, 2 training to be instructors), said how mindfulness is always about tune in when it’s good for you, and don’t when it’s not. Don’t do what’s not comfortable or too much. Step back. Open your eyes.

They asked what would feel physically, what would think, what would think. Someone asked what the difference between body and feeling was. They were what a great question… I liked that they were making everything valid, that people could consider stupid.

I didn’t like how when someone shared anything they’d question it. When anyone shared anything they’d ask them what that meant to them, what that was like for them, or whatever. Actually if I ever talk on there – 6 more weeks, I hope I do (!) – I’d have to tell them not to. That if I share I need no questions after. I can’t handle people questioning what I’ve said, or asking me to explain it. Freaks me out. Makes me feel unheard. Hmm. Not just that. Dunno. Whatever.

This week meant to do body scan 3 days and body and breath 3 days. The body scan puts me to sleep. However, doing it is good. Because I think maybe doing it often enough may make me automatically be aware of where my body is in space and time more.

Body and breath is a nice one I think. Though when he did it during the course it was really hard to focus. There were so many pauses, so I was only focusing when he was talking. And at least half the time he was talking about I dunno what. About being aware of whatever comes up and giving it space or something or another but it wasn’t directed enough for me to actually focus on it. So it was putting me to sleep. And made me feel very untethered.

Going to put on the body scans now I think. Worst/best is they send me to sleep. I’m more than happy if they send me to sleep. And if they don’t, it’s good for me to practice. The body/breath if I remember it, and I remember that I really liked it (not sure what doing it in real was so different to what I remember from last time and what I think the recording is), is really good to do first thing in the morning.

I’d really like to eventually train with them. To be a teacher. If I do 2 courses in a row – which I’m hoping to. This via zoom, then whenever they do it in real life. Then it’ll be 4 months of structured practice. Regardless if I keep a time for structured practice or not it’s good. Will be good.

Letter to myself: 3rd April 2020

Dear E

Good morning! Welcome to a new day.

E, I just wanted to tell you that I’m with you, and that you aren’t alone. You’ve got this. There is a lot going on in your head. You don’t have to figure it all out. There is a lot going on in the world and you can’t do anything about it or anything about how your family are acting or reacting. You’re only responsible for your part E, never for anyone else’s.

I love you E, and I’m so grateful that these words can be genuinely said and heard. I don’t know how present you are. More than last night after you cut off from freaking out.

Today is a new day. Filled with endless possibilities. Your only goal for today is to try and be here. And if you do freak out at all to stay present with it for 2 minutes. I know, that is long, before cutting off.

I’m glad you’re here.

Love you.

Always and forever

E

PS. Just for today, trust yourself and your experiences. Believe what you feel to be reality and accept it as such. For it is real. It is true. What you think, what you do and feel, is your reality.

Why do I feel nothing? By Eggshell Therapy

I was just going through my elizareasonstolive.com posts to see what I can copy, and I saw this post. A lot of people here may appreciate it. At the time I found it really helpful (although I should probably reread before posting, which, I’m not doing). Love, light and glitter


Another post copied from eggshell therapy. Thank you Imy for allowing me to post your work here!

This post brought me to tears. It describes me and my life way too much. One of the reasons I love Imy’s posts is that they’re so accurate, and yet so positive and filled with possibility and hope. They describe why/how in positive and realistic ways. Explaining why we’re normal, and why no one is at fault for what they did to survive. Rather, the fact that you’re here today is amazing. You are amazing!!! As a friend of mine always responded when I was upset about wanting to go back to using painkillers, it was and is me trying to look after myself the ways I knew best how.


WHY DO I FEEL NOTHING?

I feel nothing, detached from reality and people, walking around like an empty shell….’ – Anonymous client with Borderline Personality Disorder

What is the relationship between emotional numbness and extreme emotional sensitivity?

As human beings, when we face danger, there are three responses: fight, flight and freeze. When faced with extreme situation such as childhood abuse, trauma or grief, it is natural for our body and psyche to go into ‘numbing mode’ as part of a freezing response. However, sometimes such protective reflex remains for much longer after the actual danger has passed and becomes a way of life. This is when a person becomes emotionally detached, and experiences life in a ‘dissociated’, or ‘depersonalised’ way.

At first glance, it may seem counterintuitive to think that emotional numbness can be a result of emotional intensity and sensitivity. Yet emotional numbing is often not a conscious choice; you may not even be aware of the pattern building up until it has become your ‘normal’ way of functioning. You may have developed emotional detachment as a protective shield because you have learned from an early experience that revealing the true extent of your intense feelings would lead to rejection, abandonment, or shame. It maybe from your authority figures or society pressure that you have learned in order to survive it is better to hide your intensity and sensitivity. Although the pattern started off as a way of protecting you from others, it can eventually morph into you hiding from yourself or denying your own needs altogether. This is especially likely when someone has experienced repeated wounding, emotional deprivation, or neglect.

Emotional detachment is experienced differently by different people: You may feel a lingering sense of boredom and emptiness; you may feel that you are not able to show or feel any emotions, to respond to events with joy or sadness as others would, or to connect with others in a deep and meaningful way. You may feel that you are holding back, watching life goes by without being ‘in it’. Although the pains of life seemed to have been dampened, you also do not feel the full extent of positive emotions such as love, joy, and connections.

This protective shield can seem effective at first – you feel that the pain has temporarily gone way, that you can ‘get on with life’, perhaps you even feel empowered and confident. You may feel that you can function normally – get up in the morning, get dressed, go to work… Although things are fine on the ‘productivity front’, you may at times feel overcome by a wave of sadness or loneliness.

The problem with over-using the shield is that when the emotions are not digested, they remain suppressed and accumulate in your system: You may feel particularly sensitive or irritable, especially when the tension, pain and frustration reach a boiling point. Then certain things, often seemingly minor events, may catch you off guard and cause you to ‘blow up’. Suddenly, you are being knocked back into the reality of having to feel real feelings. Yet because you have been ‘cut off’ from when these feelings build up, these outbursts can seem like they have come out of nowhere.

Sometimes, because you are cut off from parts of yourself, you do certain things that are not congruent with your true will. Since the underlying needs for comfort and safety are not met, you may resort to self-soothing by over eating, over spending, and engaging in impulsive behaviours without knowing why. Some people also experience memory loss as a result of living a ‘robotic life’.

They do not remember much of their life, and feel surreal when they look at old pictures of themselves. At its extreme, remaining cut off can lead to serious consequences. One example comes from someone I know who, in her detached mode, became convinced that she had no feelings or love for her husband and decided to end the relationship. It was only afterwards that she realised it had been an impulsive decision and deeply regretted it.

Psychologists such as Dr. Jeffrey Young call this as a ‘detached protector’ mode, and sums up its presentation as the following:

“Signs and symptoms of the detached protector mode include depersonalisation, emptiness, boredom, substance abuse, binging, self-mutilation, psychosomatic complaints, “blankness,” may adopt a cynical, aloof or pessimistic stance to avoid investing in people or activities.’’

According to Dr. Young, most people with BPD spend majority of their time, including during therapy, in the ‘detached protector mode’. This is not surprising because as the therapy process stirs feelings up, your subconscious mind receive the signal of ‘threat’, and feel the need to put up this protective shield even more.

In fact, it is entirely natural for you to want to hold onto this protective shield in the beginning, especially before a level of trust is built between you and your therapist. However, it is important that your therapist is aware of this pattern and is able to have an open and non-judgemental conversation with you. Given that therapy is an invitation for your ‘true self’ to be seen, your progress may remain stagnated if you remain ‘shielded’ for the whole time you are in therapy.

Many people who operates in a shielded mode has a fear of being ‘dropped in the deep end’, they fear the uncertainty of not knowing what it would be like to start feeling things; they are worried that they will go into a depressed/crisis state, or that they will be hurt by others again. In this case, a skilled therapist would work with you to build the emotional skills and resilience up, so that you feel safe enough to tap your toe into the feeling field. Your therapist might work with you on strategies such as learning to label emotions, learning to self-regulate and self-care, experimenting with feelings in ‘small doses’, and expressing them in a safe context. Once you feel that you have some degree of capacity, the ‘thawing’ process often naturally follow. At that point, you would have re-opened the door to experience life’s joy, abundance and aliveness – things that a hidden part of you have long been yearning for.

Are there ever times you don’t really remember what happened?

I planned on writing a F:AK post today but forgot about it because I haven’t been feeling great. There went desert for this shabbat 🙂 but I have the ingredients to make it next week.

Are there ever times you don’t really remember what happened? I don’t mean dissociation or amnesia due to disassociation. I mean like, I went on a private online journal I had to write and saw I’d written this morning and was like ‘what, I didn’t write this morning’, then remembered that I had, and then recalled writing on my phone. Well, I didn’t and don’t really recollect writing on my phone, I remember some of it. And know that it was on my phone since I don’t have my laptop. It’s also like, I know I burned myself last Friday night, but I know that because I saw that I’d written it. And now that I saw that I’d written it I actually remember what I did (actually nothing much at all), which is memory for I didn’t write it all down. But I wouldn’t have known about it if I hadn’t seen it written there and actually had forgotten about it.

It’s why, a couple of years ago I made a rule for myself that I couldn’t/shouldn’t write anything or text anyone or do anything in the middle of the night. For I’d done enough stupid things when I’d woken up at night that in the light of day were regrettable. Some regrettable, and some completely unnecessary if I was anyways going to fall asleep soon enough and not really recall what was the next day. Like, if alcohol was something I used, it’d be a waste of time to drink it if I would fall asleep and it’d have made no difference to my life, whereas if in the day I wanted to, it’d be a conscious choice.

I guess it’s that I’m not fully present at certain times – in the night/morning/awake or whatever. I don’t really think it happens other times. It’s just, I don’t really know what to make of it, and by writing this I’m actually acknowledging it, though probably also making it into a much bigger deal than it really is. For it’s not like it’s a part of my regular life. It’s not like I live this way, which, I used to live in a world where I wasn’t present and wondered if I were really real. It’s not like that now. I don’t know. I’m trying to backtrack on what I’m saying and explain what I mean but I’m not sure if this is making much sense to anyone but myself. It’s also that, it’s not really a part of my usual life, it’s only when I’m a mess – which for the most part however much I’m not especially where I want to be, I don’t consider that mess to be my everyday life.

This week I really haven’t used anything or self harmed at all. I don’t know what tonight/tomorrow brings, and I guess we’ll find out.

Happy weekend! Shabbat shalom 🙂 Spread the sunshine, glitter and sparkle…..

Love, light and glitter

Rambling 98673

I’m wondering if it was my imagination that I was okay.

Took cocodamol and if I wasn’t cutting off I would be scaring myself. I’m not crossing into the danger zone as of now but way too close for my liking. It wasn’t meant to be this way. I thought that was it with self harm or messing up my life. I was trying to build my life. And I thought I was doing so. Building a life for myself however slowly. I guess I really was. Working more. Working through what I believe. Connecting to a source, to people. Building health relationships with people and putting boundaries in place with others. The only thing I was messing with was food and it was okay. It really was okay. Unless I’m imagining that it was okay and really it wasn’t. I don’t know. Today is today. I don’t want to have to deal with any of this. I don’t know what is behind any of it. At the moment it doesn’t seem too daunting – coz I’ve cut off from it. Reminds me how grateful I always was for being present. And the plans I was making for how to learn what I feel, to be present with what I feel. Why’m I rambling? I want to use more (cocodamol). For now not going to, will see if I can get to sleep first, since I’m not sure how safe it’ll be to take another 8. I know I’ve used more than 40 in the past. It’s so easy to take when you swallow (2 plus years ago when I was using I used soluble). Going to try and sleep. Was listening to a song earlier about god being with you always. Was wondering if there is a source of the world really with me. It’s possible, even if I can’t see why this is what a source would be wanting for me (and it’s not what I’m choosing. I really didn’t choose this). Writing too much. Let’s hope this makes some sort of sense. It’s too much became it’s not like I’m actually saying anything. I don’t want this – the messing my life up – for my life. So I’ll have to figure something out. Even if I was never meant to be in this place of destruction and never meant to have to figure it out. Though as I said, maybe it was just my imagination that I was okay. I know it wasn’t my imagination, but that makes the most sense for what is now. I know, I don’t need to rationalise anything, and I’ll figure it out later. I wish I didn’t have to do this. I wish this wasn’t my reality. I wish I could just go back to what was and continue the upwards trajectory. You know, using has one benefit I never expected. I’ve cut off enough that in a sense I can see what I want more. I really won’t appreciate all the scars I’ve given myself. If I wasn’t here right now I would accept them much more. And I really should stop here.

Love, light and glitter 

Edit. Its nearly 7am. Been dozing on and off. Feeling dizzy, icky and been throwing up nothing. Travelling tonight and really want to be okay by then. (Somehow need to pack whilst feeling like this). When I’m away I won’t be messing up at all. That’s my plan. To then figure it out when back. And for now need to find a way to feel better. I used to like the dazedness of cocodamol. Really not feeling very good.

I’m tired, and wish this weren’t my reality. I was never meant to mess up with anything ever again. That was my plan anyways. I’m not sure what happened to derail it. And I know that isn’t important now. I just really wish it wasn’t what it is. I didn’t ask for it. And however much it’s obviously all my choices I don’t see how or where it ever really was a choice. That’s not what I came on to write. Now I just want to feel better (physically) and wonder if there is a way to.

What is reality?

I often say things, say I think xyz, and, I wonder if it’s true or not. Say last night I was writing that I want to trigger myself into using.I was wondering afterwards if I did want to, or if I was just writing that I did. If it was true or not. Because, I just don’t connect to it. It’s just not real.

I could say now anything. I want to fly to the moon. I want to hold my niece. I want to spiral. I want to go on a date. I want to go shopping. I don’t connect to any of the statements. They’re not really there. Though the ‘hold my niece’ rings true somewhere, I’m not sure where though. I’m often unsure when I say something, if it’s reality, or if I’m just saying it, to say it, for whatever reason there might possibly be to say it.

It’s funny. When AH was my therapist he used to talk about reality or lack thereof. And I never knew what he was on about. Like when he told me he thought I should really be seeing someone in real life rather than skyping him, because real life would be grounding as there is so little there as it is. Or when he told me he was touched I wanted to fly to see him, he saw it as moving how I wanted that reality. (and that’s when we ended/wrecked therapy between us).

I used to wonder if I was real or not. Thankfully those days are long gone. I’m way more present than I was. And I think I really am present with the world. And myself. More than I used to be. I don’t know if I’ve ever been more present than this. I don’t know if I’ve ever stopped wondering what or what I say is real or not. Although I used to wonder if what I was doing was real too, like if I really wanted to do it, or if I’d just thought I wanted to and thereby acted on it (although honestly that was nonsense, because there was no ‘thought’ before. There was just the act on it. The using. The self harm. With no pause or choice beforehand).

Image result for what is reality

I don’t know what of what I say is real or what I’m just saying. And, I really, really really really, don’t like it.

When I speak to SG2 – she does energy healing/dowsing and whatever stuff that you either do or don’t believe her – I often ask her if it is or isn’t real. If I’m ever shaking when on the phone to her I ask her if I’m creating it or not. If I’m just deciding to shake or if that’s what my body really wants. Because I can just stop it if I want. If I think something, I really easily change. Like once I’ve journaled it through then I just don’t want it and because there was no connection to it to start with, who said it was ever there? I flip really easily between modes. (Thankfully it’s really not like what it used to be. Just flip a switch and be way beyond and then just cut off from it. When I flip between modes now I’m seeing both sides a lot earlier. Like when I freak out and can’t breathe. I can’t breathe but it’s not that bad. And then it can really easily just suddenly be okay.)

I’m guessing this is just a pretty incoherent rant. That’s not going to tell me anything I don’t know or change anything at all. For I still often wonder how I know what’s real for me. And I don’t know. Other than that I’m saying it. Which half the time I don’t connect to and the other half the time changes. Will I ever know what reality is? Yeah, I guess I will. I’ll know it when I connect to myself enough. Which I’m guessing will/can happen one day. Though I’m not sure what it would take to ever get to that place of being in tune enough. I do often enough just ‘know’ things. Which of course I wonder if my knowledge is correct, because I don’t know how I know. I hate now knowing what reality is. I hate that I question myself and my knowledge so much, too. Which, just is.

What is reality

As an aside, my laptop battery charger isn’t charging the battery but keeping it at the same percentage, and when I take it out the battery lessens, and then the charger keeps it at the same percentage when plugged in. I wonder if it’s a battery fault – in which case I need a new battery – a charger fault, or a socket fault. (I just need a way to end what I wrote as I don’t know how to do so, so random info here goes).

Love, light and glitter