When there’s nothing to say…

Trigger warning suicidality.

… the past week has been chaotic. Chaotic is an understatement. And there is no way I’d ever write in public what I’m thinking or doing at the time. I wouldn’t even wrote it in password protected posts. Because they could be read. Even though I know most people don’t read them. And I’m rambling about absolutely nothing. For there’s just nothing to say. But I want to out this down.

Trigger warning.

Today’s calmer.

Yesterday’s been calmer.

Do I really want to put it into words?

I don’t know what I’m doing here. I don’t really understand how come I’m still here. I didn’t do anything. But. I don’t know.

In my head I planned what’s going to be with my money. The messages I’d leave for people to get 3 months later.

You know when you’re choosing to live but death is an inevitability regardless of your choice not to die? Or you don’t know.

I wrote myself a letter. One of those nights. And what I found, still find, so incredible, is how I can be so positive and hopeful on the one hand, and on the other hand prepare stuff for when death is inevitable.

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Life is a journey. Definitely calmer after writing this letter. No clue how long it'll last. I'm believing it will be okay. I'm choosing to believe that it will be okay. I'm choosing to believe I won't end it. As I said a while ago, if god wants me to die, I've given enough opportunities for that to happen, nothing I do will cause death if I'm meant to live. So I may as well not do anything on that end. I'm choosing to believe in hope. I'm choosing to believe in possibility. I'm choosing to believe in life. It hurts. It doesn't feel like it hurts but I know that it does. How profound is that??? Life is a journey. I didn't ask to be on this journey. Yet I am here. I don't want to be. But I am. There's something I've been doing that scares me. Some of my thoughts scare me. The planning. The planning. The planning. I haven't done this in years. Or 3 years. When I got past this place then, I never dreamt of coming back here. Yet here I am. And. And there's nothing really to say. Just live with it. I guess that says it all. Just live with it. Until I can get to another side. Dare I say, until I will get to another side. #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #jewishmentalhealth #jews4mentalhealth #jewishgirl #jewish #jewishblogger #suicidalideation #suicidalthoughts #suicidality #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpdrecovery #bipolarwarrior #therapistsofinstagram #innerchild #lettertomyself #journaling #journaltherapy #innerchildhealing #innerchildwork #selfdestruction #selfharmrecovery #attachmenttrauma #oding #deathvslife #adultchildrenofalcoholics #acoa #addictionsucks #addictionrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery

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I just reread that. And it says it all. The hope. The opposite. The everything. Just the everything.

I haven’t been reading most posts on here. I’ve been writing letters as a distraction. They just say hello. If you want a letter email me your address – if you’re less phobic then I who does not give out my address. Not that I care if you’re an axe murderer and cone and shoot me in the night. Do axe murderers use guns?

I’ve ordered a number of gifts for the people I care about. They don’t feel as necessary. Last week, if you asked me, I would gave told you that give me 3 weeks and I’m not here. Not by choice. Never a choice to die. I don’t want to hurt others that way. It’ll hurt so many. R’R said I’m talking like when a kid does something accidentally on purpose. I don’t know how to describe the lack of choice. Of choosing one thing, or choosing not something when it’s inevitable however much you may go against it. Like saying gravity ain’t a force. Choosing not to let gravity pull you to the ground yet however much you hold yourself up you know gravity will win.

Death doesn’t seem as much like gravity today. Like, maybe I’ll be here in 2 weeks.

I called the CMHT to ask when an outpatient assessment is meant to be. The person who answered said they haven’t made an appointment and don’t have any until February anyways. Is that okay? If I don’t get a letter with a date in a month I should call again. I just put down. I couldn’t speak. Speaking is always hard. And what was I meant to say? I’ll be dead in 2 weeks, never mind 4 weeks, so you may as well not bother wasting paper or ink on an appointment letter. I’ll spare you the resources.

There’s a reason I’m going through the CMHT. Asides that any professional I called is either not available, or is fazed by this, or ‘doesn’t do therapy when the therapist will have to work hard’. That’s because most therapists don’t offer crisis management as the main thing. I don’t want traditional therapy. And. If I stop ODing I’m not going to cope. I can’t use therapy. I don’t do talking because it’s not safe. I use writing to process, except I haven’t been writing much as I didn’t want a record of anything. I didn’t want anyone to know I knew I’d die. I don’t want them to hurt even more. Not just would death hurt, but that ‘could they have done anything’. Now that I’m not going to die I can write it. I don’t know.

I spoke to R’R. He got in touch with a charity for me. No clue if they’ll be able to help. He said he cares. I didn’t tell him I don’t believe him for I don’t think it’s fair to him to do that. Tried to get through to my GP to ask him to call the CMHT but haven’t yet gotten through.

Work starts tomorrow. I can’t face it. I’ve been taking less. It’s less of a need. SG did some energy work for me. I texted her when I was freaking out asking if there’s anything she could do. I wonder if that’s the cause of the shift. Of the being okay being here. Of not needing to take as much so constantly. Still buying lots more coz need to be able to if I want to.

And that’s it basically. My world. Which seems to expand and contract and expand and contract. I’ve no clue what of anything is real. I wonder if in April I really was in a better place. Or not at all. And there’s been chantelle during the past few months too. Change that seems meaningless.

Boundaries. I’ve been keeping boundaries much more, and in a much healthier way.

Responsibility. I always took responsibility for others and no responsibility for myself. Then I took responsibility for myself so couldn’t ask others for help because I’m meant to be taking responsibility… I’ve been reaching out. Which isn’t me at all. I was freaking out earlier so called a friend and asked her to talk to me (could never tell her what I was freaking about). And. It helped.

Compassion vs guilt. I’m guilting myself less. Accepting what my reality is more. Like when I’m freaking. Instead of why’m I freaking, being okay that I am. Not adding on the additional guilt (that doesn’t take away the core guilt I live with).

Relationships. In the past few months there are 3 people I’ve really built healthy relationships with. My sister. 2 friends. One of my friends, I’ve gotten to know her children during this time.

I’ve really become okay with what I want, where I stand, re judaism and the culture (I hate the culture. Hate is way too tame to describe the abhorrence, detestation and all it brings up. I wonder if there’s such a thing as religious trauma…). Yet. I’m okay with it. When others bash the culture I can see how their experiences aren’t everyone’s. I can and do see the extremities. And how the culture and the religion of the culture is so different to Judaism. I don’t know what life I’m going to lead with it. If I live long enough to ever get that far. I’m okay with separating it. I love what I see. I love the connection I can’t tune into (because what do I tune into ever?)

My world is a mass of contradictions. That’s another thing I’ve learnt over the past few months of living with destruction. That there is an AND and both can be, and are, true.

Going to end with this image I made. I know this is too long for most to read. Which is why it’s for me. I’m grateful for this space for myself.

E

I’ve an appointment with the CMHT (community mental health team) tomorrow morning – this morning really. My alarm is set for about 6.5 hours from now.

Was messing with burning which I don’t count as burning because it doesn’t scar. Finally stopped. I don’t feel nervous at all. I guess I am in some way. Haven’t done this in ages.

Hoping and praying it goes okay. Trying to out the intention out there to the universe that the best should be.

It’s the morning after yom kippur. It’s kinda an auspicious time.

Going to try and go to sleep.

Really hoping it will be okay…. that something comes from it…

Journaling 101 22nd Sept 20

My head’s hurting and I want to try and sleep but I need to get some stuff down. Really 2 entirely different points. I feel guilty writing on here when others may read and I’ve read about 3 posts from others in the past 3 weeks. (I usually read every post of everyone who follows me – except religious or triggering).


Today I experienced again that when I don’t feel safe I can’t drink. In this instance it was that I was thirsty and wanted a drink but was on the phone and it wasn’t safe enough to let go enough to drink. It’s not just drinking. It’s any bodily need that requires letting go. I thought some things were due to other stuff but I’m actually wondering if it’s the same point. Just something I want written down. Not looking for others to relate as I doubt anyone will.


I was rereading E’s emails. All E’s emails, or most, are as she once wrote, love letters. They’re all filled with belief in me and care. She seems to think I’m beginning to trust her words. So I was reading her emails and came across a couple emails from AH – my ex therapist. He’s still my ex therapist for he’s the only person I’ve ever done any work with (SG too. But SG I don’t consider my therapist and never have). It made me really sad to read those emails. Because, they were some of the last emails he sent to me before we crashed and burned. I always blamed him for the mess up. For therapy ending. Not that I thought I didn’t have a part to play. Far from it. My feelings on the matter was that as a therapist it was his job to contain it, and that he was reacting to me and not handling me so ultimately therapy messing up was his fault because ultimately it was his job. Seeing these emails a couple years later, I’m no longer so sure about that. I can see how he was trying to contain it. I haven’t reread through all our conversations. I can see what I knew was his rejecting me at the time, and now looking at the words objectively I can see that he said he doesn’t know I’d speaking will be safe for me. He was trying to hold it together. I’m not going to reread it now. It just made me so so sad. I remember all the emails. I don’t think all the words he said were correct. He said he was happy to keep it to email/whatsapp for that point in time. He told me he was there if I ever wanted to be in touch. I wrecked it. I shut the door. I took every word as him telling me I was too much. I’m not actually blaming myself at all. I know that I did the best I could. It took me a year to get over the wreckage of therapy. And until today I blamed him – from an objective point. Now, I saw his emails. And I don’t blame him. I wonder what it would be like to reread everything. I always said he never apologised. But in those 3 emails I saw he apologised at least twice…. I don’t know that he was wrong. For being unable to handle my reactions. Because reading his words I could see how he was trying to contain it. How he was trying to give me the safety. I know he could have Don’s things differently. I don’t know if it would have helped. I know from other therapists I’ve spoken to. I know he went above and beyond and some of the things he did most therapists wouldn’t have done. It just made me sad. So so sad. Seeing those emails. Seeing that, actually he wasn’t the reason therapy ended. I was. He was there for me. He said he was enough times. I just couldn’t hear it. That doesn’t make anything else I was upset about at the time less true. For example I said he didn’t ever understand what I said. 2 points. One, it could be he didn’t more Two, he did and I just didn’t hear it. Couldn’t. In theory when you have 2 people who are both putting their 100% in, and they’ve built a relationship – done the impossible, you’d think they could do anything. You’d think they could contain it. But I couldn’t. And he couldn’t. And seeing those emails I could see how he tried his best to. And that just makes me so sad.

In a years time I want to…

I’d appreciate thoughts. I think I’m being really realistic here although it’s noncomprehensive as was just writing (I can only ‘just write’, I don’t know how to edit or alter what I say. I only know how to just let my pen or in this case finger talk). I think it’s realistic because I didn’t say anything non doable. I know not all of it is in my control. I know it’s up to the universe to send me whatever whenever (that I’m saying that is awesome. Every single time I see a future I think I’m amazing I say that, because so much I’m also not doing because I might not be here so shouldn’t waste/bother). Anyways, was just meant to say that I’d appreciate thoughts. Coz can add or take away from this.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFNxp6fD5MN/?igshid=1j4u5bmbev0vn

Today was another long day (well, every day is at the moment. With a lot of flipping back and forth because the smallest things change modes. Sis stressed me out and wasn’t handling. Journalled and was calm. Freaking coz not sure. Spoke to R which was good. Constantly back and forth….. makes it long…).


I’ve read and really appreciate all your comments on my blog even though I haven’t responded to any or read any posts here (I did read one. Sunshine and Fak ones I schedule). Thank you for being here.

πŸ’• Be living without self destruction 
πŸ’• Be present always
πŸ’•Be practicing mindfulness daily - a min or two a day counts
πŸ’• Have a support system
πŸ’• Have more friends
πŸ’• Be keeping boundaries with those people who I'm still struggling so much with.
πŸ’• Live in a world of colour
πŸ’• Be able to stay with a mood instead of so easily spiralling
πŸ’• Be journalling still!
πŸ’• Have changed more self talk (I've stopped saying I hate myself).
πŸ’• Be buying and planning for the future rather than not wanting to waste money on what I might not be here for
πŸ’• Be present in my body
πŸ’• Experience emotions - at least more than I do now.
πŸ’• Still be in touch with R, M, M
πŸ’• Have gotten past 2700 gratitudes!
πŸ’• Live without the need to harm
πŸ’• Get to at least 100 reasons
πŸ’• Have set up Letters of Hope
πŸ’• Have moved out
πŸ’• Have a plan for studying if I haven't continued with what I started.
πŸ’• Be living without ED behaviours. 
πŸ’• Keep accepting myself
πŸ’• Connect to a source and be further forging my own path not bound to anything I was raised with.
πŸ’• Be fully taking responsibility for my life.
πŸ’• Continuing to learn to let go of responsibility that is not mine.
πŸ’• Embrace myself and allow others to embrace me.

LTM: 14th September 2020

Dear E

Welcome to a new day. Of possibility. Of hope. Of sunshine.

I just wanted to drop you a line to tell you how proud I am of you.
I’m proud that you’re here.
I’m proud of you for choosing life, or not choosing death- the easy way out.
I’m proud of you for practicing mindfulness.
I’m proud of you for showing up.
I’m proud of you for distracting yourself.
I’m proud of you for focusing why live. (Instagram – reasons to live)
I’m proud of you for reaching out to others.
I’m proud of you for trying to get help.
I’m proud of you for letting go of those who you wanted to be here for you and who aren’t.
I’m proud of you for keeping a lot more to your boundaries.
I’m proud of you for trying to do good things.
I’m proud of you E no matter what your choices are.
I’m proud of you because you’re trying, even if you believe there is only ‘do’ or ‘don’t’ and you’re not ‘doing’. Because E, because you ARE doing.
You’re practicing mindfulness every single day. You’re reaching out to others however infrequently. You’re journaling however infrequently. You’ve joined a once a week ACA call (6 weeks). You’ve called others. You’re writing gratitudes. You’re writing reasons to live. You’re eating more and letting yourself however much you hate and guilt yourself for it. You’re changing your self talk and are more aware of thought spirals. You are here. That is called ‘doing’. So there is only ‘do’ or ‘don’t’ and not try. You are doing E. You’re doing life.

I love you E. And I’m with you always. I will always be with you. I will always love you. You’ll never be alone for you’ll always have me with you.

I believe in you and I know you’ll get there. You will live life.
You will live a life of love.
You will live a life of peace.
You will live life without destruction.
You will live a life of hope.
You will live a life of giving.
You will live a life of rebuilding.
You will live a life of creation.
You will live a life of beauty.
You will live a life of connection – connection to yourself, to others, to your inner consciousness, and the consciousness of the world.
You will live a life of choice.
You will live a life of embracing your responsibilities.
You will live a life without others responsibilities.
You will live a life of freedom.
You will live a life of living.
So long as you’re here, so long as you choose life, you will live life.
You will live a life.

I love you.

Always and forever,

E

Journaling 103 (6) What do I need in order for it to change?

I dialogue journalled last night for at least a couple hours. There’s both what I need in order to stop, and what I need or needs to change so that I don’t need the destruction.

In order to stop I just need support. What that would look like is people checking in with me. Believing in me. Telling me they believe in me. I don’t mean that they need to be updated on what/why. E would do that for me. She’d email me a short couple lines every so often.. As long as she doesn’t feel responsible or see it as a burden knowing it’s okay if she doesn’t, that would be okay. I just need people to be there. E would be. I can and have asked her in the past. I don’t know who else would.

And people who’ll stay in the loop. People who’ll be happy to be in touch however often works for them. Be there in whatever way works for them… just people. I need people in my life.

Support also looks like therapy. Not to process or change anything. Just someone to be there. Who I can share all I write with. Who I can drive crazy. In the way it was with my ex therapist AH. I’d email/whatsapp him a lot. That’s really where most our communication took place.

To be able to live life without using I need to be able to handle living life. How?

Mindfulness, being present, helps lots. And lots. Which is why I’m so grateful for the MBSR course I’m doing.

ACA may help – they’re doing a 6 week introduction starting in a few weeks. It’s a 12 step programme. I just don’t have the energy to look for people who have been in ACA for over a year who are living recovery. I did try to look but can’t at the moment. I do think it’ll help some though.

Journalling. That’s actually the biggest thing. Writing helps me process my world. I’ve always been told that my writing is the best therapy. AH used to tell me that a lot upon reading what I wrote. A couple other therapists I’ve been in touch with in the past said the same. I don’t process my world through talking to others. Which is why I’ve never wanted and would never use therapy to talk or process through talking. That’s what journaling is for.

Some way of learning skills. Either with a therapist (ideally) or through workbooks. Just needs to be with someone for I won’t actually do it on my own. Skills isn’t the right word. Primarily on learning to identify, recognise, and handle emotions and feelings. At the moment I believe I’m lying whenever I say I think or feel anything. Because it doesn’t stay or isn’t true a moment later. Sometimes I do stay with what I feel. Most times I don’t. Most times as soon as I engage with whatever it is, it just isn’t there. So mindfulness helps with being present. But more than that, I need to learn what/how etc. I want to experience emotions in my body and then be able to handle them. I thought I was learning to do that. Maybe I even was. Then I decided to try destroy my life (yeah, I blame myself for the destruction). I want to stop zoning out or freaking out. Whenever I try engage with myself I either zone out or freak out – cut off or it’s beyond too much.

I’m pretty certain I live with anxiety. But if that ever comes up I’ll deal with that then. I’ll only know if I do or don’t when I live with my feelings experientially. I think I do because that’s the only physical sensation I experience – not breathing or shaking


There are 2 main things that aren’t conducive to getting to a place of okayness.

1. Living at home. Mainly refererring to my mother and special needs sister. My other sister who lives at home I’m so grateful for. Yesterday I was dialogue journalling, making a plan for what I need and how to get there etc. Because I want to stop using. I came home in middle of journalling (I was away). When I picked up journalling my response was; I don’t know if I’m ready to stop. Why? Because I need it when I’m home. Using gives me a grip and handle on my world. Not eating does too. And when I’m home I need that grip so much more. My sn sister talks pretty literally all the time. I can’t not listen to someone talking to me. She needs attention all the time. She, and my mother, just use so much energy that I don’t have spare. It’s not healthy for me to live in my room. Being with them isn’t healthy either…

Living at home I don’t have the freedom to be myself. I can’t be myself. I can’t explore or learn who I am, would be, or want to be. That’s not as much of an issue as above. It’s something I’ll have to deal with some day. Whenever I leave the culture I’m living in I’ll destroy my father. My father is a really good person who doesn’t deserve to be hurt. Again that’s not for now. There’s also a lot of pressure and constant negative feedback at home.

The other big thing is work. Work is good because it gives structure. I can give myself that structure through volunteering. It’s not good because I don’t have the headspace. I’m using all my energy to just hold onto the world. To just stay okay. To try make the right choices – and constantly feel as though I’m failing. For I’m still using and I’m destroying myself. As long as I’m destroying myself I can’t really be trying. Or I’m not trying hard enough.

I teach. If I’m not giving my students my all I’m failing them. Also, I don’t teach the easy students. I teach those who need the help and support. I teach those who need 110%. I’m finding it really hard to focus on anything at all for long. I get distracted really easily. I’m not finding it easy to concentrate. I’m not really sleeping. I don’t know. Not really a point thinking about it. For I’m going to try… try give it my all and see. I am working less hours and not doing the part of my job I did last year that I hated. I’m going to be earning very little. Definitely not earning enough as it is. I’m still paying off a course that I haven’t done. Education that I really want but have no headspace for.


So in a few lines what does this leave me with?

In order to stop I really need to have more people as a support in my life. For various reasons most my friends aren’t an option. They’re friends and I’m grateful for them. Some of them are definitely a reason I don’t want to kill myself. They’ll want me there. E will be via email. Another E who I don’t know well would be also, just dunno what to ask her for. Support as in people not only friends. If my GP puts the referral through to the HBTT (home based treatment team) it would give me the pretty much 24/7 help I’d need to handle stopping. If not, I don’t know.

Learning – mindfulness I’m doing. Hopefully will do ACA. And I don’t know. I don’t know how to learn the rest… if the NHS will offer any of it. If they don’t could ask someone I’m thinking of privately, just not relevant as long as there’s any risk factors in my life. Which as long as I’m using there are. (Food or any other self harm isn’t a risk factor in that way).

Living at home isn’t good for me but I don’t have another option at the moment. Working isn’t good for me but unless I have some way of getting money it also isn’t an option to just stop working.

Random sorta unrelated positive comment. I’m thinking of buying myself a new expensive phone. Been pushing if off in a large part because it’s a waste of time to buy it if I may not be around to enjoy it. But I will be. Or as I said to TC, I think I’ll get to 2700 gratitudes when I’m 27 (I’m writing out gratitudes, aiming for 2700 different ones for when I turn 27), and it’s kinda amazing in a neutral way that I actually envision myself turning 27.

Journalling 103 (5) GP App and referrals

I saw my GP today. Last week wrote up with him a referral for the CMHT.

I asked him for a copy of the letter the therapist from primary care services sent to him. I called up primary care services for a copy and they told me my GP can give me a copy. Her letter was good. She was really clear about how to go further. She suggested HBTT (Home based treatment team).

I asked him about the referral. He told me he hadn’t sent any off. That he would, and he’d send it to both the CMHT (community mental health team) and HBTT along with her letter.

Reading her letter now I’m annoyed. It’s dated the 6th of July and she writes that she hopes that by the time she’s writing this letter he’s made an appointment with me and put a referral through to either CMHT or HBTT. And that if I ever want the primary goal to be to stop using – at this moment it is. I want to stop using. I’m not sure how long that will last, that I’m really ready and want to stop destroying my life – the DBT team will assess and would want either of the other services involved.

Why do I have to google it all and ask him to do the referrals? And I don’t know if anything will come of them. Her last couple paragraphs were really clear recommendations on where exactly to go from here. Her letter was, is, really good. Just nothing has been done with it until now…

I’m not sure if I should just scrap it and go privately. My problem with going privately is that I kinda want someone to be there all the time. I know I’m not going to cope when I stop taking cocodamol. And I want to stop. I’m finding it hard enough to eat as it is – this is even though I’ve been trying to eat more coz of using.

I wrote a list of what I need, what I want, and what needs to change in order to just be okay living life on life’s terms. Well, I didn’t write a list. I dialogue journalled. I’ll put it into a list as another post.

I’m tired…..

Edit. He said my blood results were all okay except fat something which is normal when haven’t been eating enough, and muscles. I think I may have a muscle issue as it is but I can’t know if they’re lower than they would be, so some day can check them again.

As I walked out I said to him that I can’t stop using until he’s done this because I can’t stop without having any support in place. (It’s just not possible).


Had a staff meeting today. Was freaking out for most of it. Not sure how it will be to be back at work next week. It could be really good for me. Or it could be a spectacular fail. I’m keeping an open mind to what’s possible.

I was trying to and want to make a plan. I don’t know if there’s any point trying to plan how to go forward, what I need or don’t need, if I don’t know whether anything will come of these referrals.

I want to stop using.

There. I said it. I want to stop using.

I don’t like to post twice in a day. But I’m going to post this anyways… I feel like I can’t breathe.

I’m scared to want to stop. I’m scared because I know I need it. I’m scared because it gives me a handle on life. I’m scared. I don’t feel scared. I know I am scared. Argh. Stop talking about feelings because then I think I’m lying.

I want to stop. I think it’s destroying me. Although I want the destruction, I wonder if there is any part that doesn’t. Because today I actually want to stop.

I don’t know how it’s possible. I don’t have the help or support I need.

Talking about trying. I’ve been trying. By trying I mean that I’ve been trying to get the help. By trying I mean I’ve been trying to get what I need. I’ve been trying to change it around. And…

I don’t know if I really have been trying. For there is do or don’t. There is no ‘try’. And how can I say I’ve been trying if at the end of the day I’m using and not eating.

Oh, I don’t want to eat more. One problem that will come up is that part of why I’m even eating all that I am is that I’ve been using and know I need to habe food to absorb it for it not to kill me.

Random question to myself. Why have I had to literally force myself to eat anything at all these past couple days when I’m away, when I’m okay, calm – it’s really good to be away, more than just good. It’s amazing to have space away from home. Space. Just space to be myself. Space to be.

Continuing on from that it’s interesting for me to see that there’s still the self harm and self destruction. Even when I’m away.

Actually, this is an edit, that’s not completely true. Now that I’m away, I may have bought loads (to use) and I’m finding it really hard to eat (or sleep). I mean, even though there is lotsa self destruction, I want to stop using. Using is a risk, and I don’t want that kinda risk factor. So even if there’s lotsa self destruction, there’s also less. (Why can’t I be away always????? I don’t mean as in running away. Living at home, in the community I live in, just really isn’t good for me. I don’t see another option. But that’s not for this).

I want to stop using. I don’t know what to do with that…… but there. I’ve said it. And yes, saying it is scary…… it’s terrifying to admit it to myself. Terrifying to acknowledge it. I know that 2 months ago I didn’t think I’d ever be using again. I thought it was passed. Yet now I don’t know who I am without it. Am I? As in, am I anything at all without it? Not asking without self destruction for, for that’s there, that is, and whatever. Not discussing that. So yeah. I kinda really want to stop using. And I’m making it real by saying it….. and I’m going to have to act on it really soon if I want it to happen. And I want to cry. I feel like I’m standing at the edge of a cliff.

What if I fall? Oh my darling what if you fly
What if I fall? Oh, my darling, what if you fly?
What if I fall? Oh, my darling, what if you FLY?

MBSR (3) – Mindfulness and grounding

Mindfulness attitudes - Beginner’s Mind or Curiosity, Patience, Non-judging, Non-striving, Kindness and Compassion towards ourselves and others, Trust, Acceptance or Allowing, Letting GoΒ 

What does mindfulness mean?

What is mindfulness?

What does mindfulness do?

The way I’d put it simply is being present. To be mindful is to be aware. To be present. Am some people think mindfulness is the same as meditation. Meditation is focus and stillness and is really a different ballgame. It’s got some similarities though. They’re both being present. Being aware. Just being. Just living.

When I’m mindful, aware of what is at this moment, I’m going to be living with my primary experiences, rather than secondary, tertiary or can’t remember what Greg told me. He told me quadary experience – whatever the right word is.

I’ve gone off on a tangent.


I find mindfulness to be grounding. Because I’m doing this course and trying to choose something to be mindful with, and of course I didn’t choose my daily activity because in the same way I’m rambling here and probably making you dizzy with the spinning and jumping and run on ness why would I think of one specific activity and as if I’d even remember during that one activity and then I’d anyways have to choose a different one so I’m doing that now as it is and don’t worry I’ll repeat this…


Mindfulness. Being present. If you read my trigger warning post – I’m intentionally not linking – you’ll understand what I mean. I’m grounding myself a lot. Focusing on where exactly my body is in space and time. Being aware of myself in my body. Being aware of my body in the world. Tuning into it. Tuning into what is going on. Like the sound of the cars and the annoying squeak of the light.

I’m finding it grounding. Because I’m trying to tune in. I’m intentionally tuning in often. Which i definitely think is a good thing.

It’s quite funny to write this, how taking the course is helping me, because we’re meant to listen to a guided mindfulness (which is guided imagery, or guided presentness) once a day. Being that I’m listening to the body scans in bed I try listen to another one during the day too. Anyways, I find it really hard to focus. I’m distracted the entire time. It takes till the end of the recording for me to actually be focusing on it.

I guess I’m saying that in some ways I’m not doing this being mindful well at all. And yet I am. So I’m not able to focus through the recordings… I focus for a few seconds at a time if you’re lucky. And I’m grounding myself lots. And lots. Which I definitely need at the moment….

I didn’t plan on writing this about me. Just about how mindfulness can be grounding and can be used as a tool to remember to be aware of where one is in space and time. To tune into the reality and help one be present. But this is what is πŸ™‚

I’d definitely recommend mindfulness. But if you do a course research it. I did one through other places which were a waste of time. MBSR is a great one. You can do it for free online at Palouse MBSR Course. I wouldn’t have the motivation. You can google it. If you’re in England a lot of MIND charities offer it subsidised or for free. I’ve seen some great and some nonsense books. I like the first page of Mind Calm.

Love, light and glitter.