Thinking of you all

I’ve kinda been living in my head these past months. I’ve come up for air a few times. Looked at either the first posts in my reader, or a few of those in my notifications or emails. I’m not sure who decides what shows where. I haven’t been around recently. Not on here. (Nor on instagram, email, or real life friends either).

Anyways. I just wanted to say that I’m thinking of you all. I’m not naming people but I do mean you. I’m grateful you’ve been a part of my journey. I’m grateful that you are a part of my journey. And, I’m thinking of you. I know I’m not around much, and that’s nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me. It’s taking my everything to just do what I am.

Thanks for your part in my journey.

I’d love to hear how you’re doing. If you’re happy to share that is.

Lotsa sunshine, sparkles, hugs, and peace

E

Relationships, boundaries, and responsibility 3

Saying yes, taking responsibility, gave me the right to exist. K, so I’m speculating here, but I’m trying to put my thoughts into words, and either it’s true, or it’s not. I’m going to put it down. And it could be I’ll turn around one day and say that this is nonsense.

I grew up feeling responsible for others.

I grew up feeling guilty for existing. The guilt comes from the fact that through existing, by living, I’m hurting others. That’s not just speculation or a kids thoughts. It’s still the reality today. By existing I’m hurting someone. By living I have hurt people. Not through anything I did. Just through existing. One of those people have changed a lot. I no longer hurt her through my existence. I’m not blaming myself here. I never did anything wrong. That person was threatened by my existence. I did nothing to cause that. It was her issue. She’s changed. The person I still hurt through existing has special needs, mental health difficulties etc and will not be able to change. The fact is I hurt her by living. I don’t think I feel guilty for it any longer. I used to. By now I know it’s not my problem. There are others I hurt by being me. It’s not my existence that hurts them, but that I’m me. And if I ever truly live my own life I’ll really hurt my parents.

The guilt for living has played a big role in my life. I still don’t believe I’m allowed to exist, however I don’t feel guilty for those people.

I’m wondering if giving to others, being whatever others needed me to be, justified my existence somewhat. I’m here, and I shouldn’t be here, because I’m hurting people, their lives would be better without me, if I’m making other peoples lives better, maybe it balances that out. Makes it somewhat okay that I’m living, even though I shouldn’t be. Balances out the pain I’m causing to others.

The only problem there lies that giving gives meaning to my life. I love giving to others. Not because I have to. Not because it justifies my existence. But because I love giving.

When I said that saying no goes against my nature R’R commented nature or conditioning?

I think both. Conditioning is that I’m not allowed to exist. Nature is I love to give. Whether by nature or by nurture I feel others. Whether that’s inherent or something I had to develop or both. When I was speaking to E she told me about her arm hurting. I felt the pain in my own arm. Not physically, but yes physically. I don’t know how to explain it. Her pain hurt me. I don’t really know what physical agony feels like. I know I’ve experienced physical agony – when I got burned (I’d say burned myself but that sounds like I caused it. Someone dropped a pot. Thankfully of water!!!!! It could have been the oil pot…) and my arm was debrided – do not google. I wrote a poem then about pain. I don’t recall the pain. I recall hating others doing things for me. I couldn’t do anything because I couldn’t use my arm at all…

I feel others pain. I want to take their pain and take it away from them. I feel others pain too much. It’s funny how I so feel others pain yet cannot feel anything about or for myself. Though then again my life was a pretty calm, good life.

Anyways, the point I was making is that I love to give. And that giving gives meaning to my life. And that I wonder if giving was a way for me to justify my existence.

This is also why I think I don’t ADHD. Because I go back to what I started off with. A past friend once said to me that she loved how though I’d jump from A, to B, to C, I’d always go back to A, to B, to C.

Relationships, boundaries and responsibility 2

I began writing about saying no. And I wanted to continue it.

I said no. I actually said no.

It’s both strange, and awesome. Amazing that I put myself first.

I was asked to do something really small. It wasn’t really what I was asked to do that was hard. It was that she constantly calls me. That she can call me 5 times in a day. Every time she needs my help. It’s too much. It was the way she’d tell me not to worry when I couldn’t help. It was too much for me. So this time when she asked I said no. When the other day she asked if I can check something up on the internet I told her that I wouldn’t be able to do anything on the internet for her.

I called my friend E to tell her that I said no. E said that she thinks I always felt responsible for others happiness. I think it’s more than that. I’ve felt responsible for their lives. When S said she was going to kill herself, that meant it’s my responsibility for her to live.

I’ve always been responsible. Not for peoples happiness. For their okayness. So when said friend needed something, I had to do it. Because it’s my responsibility.

Which of course. It isn’t.

A person can only carry a certain amount of responsibility. When I took responsibility for everyone I never took any responsibility for myself. Over the past couple years I’ve been letting go of the responsibility I was holding for others and taking responsibility for myself. Then finding the balance of still asking for help because when I took responsibility for myself I had to go to the other extreme first. Hey. I think I’m actually doing that. Not that I can easily ask for help. I can’t. I can accept help and take responsibility for myself.

So the instagram post I shared above is really why I started writing this. I just haven’t actually done so. I guess I’ll continue in another post as this is too disjointed.

Relationships, boundaries, responsibility

I’ve been meaning to write for a while. I’m in that space where I haven’t been posting on instagram either. There’s so much to say. And. I don’t know. Too much. It’s after midnight. I should be going to sleep. And I hate posting on these days because Friday is a kindness post and Sunday is a sunshine post. I want to keep it that way.

I want to wrote properly but will share a couple Instagram posts about responsibility. That’s really what I wanted to write about anyways. I was hoping that if I start writing about it here I’d be able to formulate my thoughts, my words, a lil bit more.

I’m sharing the posts in chronological order. I hope to be able to write more sometime as it’s through putting it down that I’ve begun to understand it. Maybe I’ll write another post (Haha for I’ll share them again for making it make sense to me).

View this post on Instagram

This morning I was journaling about responsibility. I made the second picture to make it clear that of course I have responsibilities. Although this is relevant to NY entire life I was referencing a specific childhood friend. I grew up responsible for F (friend). My life was giving to her what she needed, doing what she wanted, regardless of the detriment to me. Recently, as in the past month, I've let go of responsibility to sis. That brought up really clearly the responsibility I take for F. F calls and asks me for my help, and I'm unable to say no. I do what she asks. Because it's easy for me to do and why not. I resent it too because I don't have a choice. When I'm unable to she tells me not to worry. Um, hello. I don't need her to tell me not to worry. It's not my responsibility… Yesterday she called me and asked me to do something. I said no. I just said I'm sorry but I can't do it. There's a lot of guilt. It's a 5 minute job on the internet that is easy for me to do. She doesn't have internet access and with lockdown can't just go elsewhere to do it. Yet it's not kay responsibility. It. Is. Not. My. Responsibility. F is not my responsibility. I grew up being responsible for F. It was easier for the adults to allow me to take responsibility – even though it negatively impacted my life – because they either ignored it, or because I was taking the responsibility off them. Letting go of responsibility towards sis made me aware that I don't need to say yes to F. She expects it. I expect it. I resent it. And. It's not my responsibility. Is it really the right thing for me to say no? Not to give when I so easily can and it doesn't harm me in any which way? I'm not the 7 year old giving in to F at her expense. I'm not the 11 year old left on the sidelines because of F. I'm not the 18 year old going where I don't want to go with F. I'm not the 22 year old leaving when I want to stay with F. I'm not going to do what hurts me as it is. Or impacts me. I've learnt not to. This is easy stuff in my spare time. And I said no. I said no. Because I can say no. Because I just don't want to say yes. Is it the right thing? I don't know… … cont

A post shared by Journey to life (@e.journeytolife) on

View this post on Instagram

Dear E I'm proud of you E. I'm proud of you for saying no to F – yes, I'm proud. I'm proud even though you could so easily have helped her. I'm proud even though the no was purely for the sake of saying no. You're allowed to say no just because. You're allowed to say no to something you don't want to do. However easy it may be. I'm proud of you for putting yourself first. I'm proud of you for saying no to M yesterday. Even though she was disappointed. You put yourself first. You aren't creating an unhealthy dynamic. If you say yes when you don't want to you're creating an unhealthy relationship. You're allowed to say no. Your needs, even your wants, always come first. Your want comes before some else's need. Of course sometimes you can put their need first. But only if it's a choice. Only if you're choosing it. If you're putting their need first because you feel that you have to, you're ruining the relationship. That's why saying no to F was, is, important. Because you never feel like you have a choice. If you felt like you had a choice you wouldn't resent helping her. If it was a choice you would be happy to help. You've not been happy to help for you knew you had to. And E, you don't have to. You never have to do anything for anyone. You always come first. Once you've put yourself first, you can give to others. Once you can say no, you can say yes. And you can say yes to things that are hard for you to do, or that you'd rather not do. Because when it's a choice you can put someone else's needs before your wants, and be happy about it. I love you E. And I'm proud of you. I'm with you always. I'll always be with you. I'll always stay with you. Nothing you ever do can ever take me away from you. Love you E. Always and forever. E. #lettertomyself #journaling #journaltherapy #journalingismytherapy #responsibility #responsibilities #lettinggo #selfcare #selflove #selfhealers #selfhealer #selfhealing #innerchildhealing #innerchild #innerchildwork #soberliving #sobriety #addiction #addictionrecovery #recovery #adultchildrenofalcoholics #narcoticsanonymous #acoa #acarecovery #overdoserecovery #jewishmentalhealth #jews4mentalhealth #jewishgirl #jewishblogger

A post shared by Journey to life (@e.journeytolife) on


And this is something I often feel.

View this post on Instagram

I never just wanted to be a part of the groups there were. I'd feel left out. Know I wasn't worth it. That there was something wrong with me that those people seemingly struggling with the same as me, who I was there for, could be there for each other, but not for me. The past few months have shown me something. On my blog I've met some new people. People I didn't know before. People who I did know but never identified with. People who took the time to respond to what I wrote. People who were there… I've learnt who my people are, and it's not whom I would have expected at all. Some of these people were those who I've never read anything of theirs before. And plenty of people I'd been there for weren't there. Just weren't. Creating your own community. I've always been a misfit. I've always been an anomaly. My friends in life are very different to each other. Although they're friends with each other. This tells you who I am! If you're a friend of mine you feel close to all my friends and likely become real friends with them too. It's just how I work…. my friends become friends. So. My people. It's weird to say that because I really don't turn to others. The people I like and appreciate, I hope they know I do. I'm learning to. And are here I am a bit. Beginning to. Definitely more than I ever did. What I was saying was that people. For people in my life I can give a prototype but honestly there is none. Genuineness is the one thing that draws me to everyone. And once I count you as a friend, I'll be your friend forever and ever amen unless you do a lot to ruin it, and even then I'll really care about you. Who are your people? Who are you grateful for? #mentalhealthjourney #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #mentalhealthrecovery #relationships #buildingrelationships #navigatingrelationships #understandingrelationships #innerchildhealing #innerchild #innerwisdom #innerconsciousness #selfhealing #ptsd #cptsdwarrior #cptsdrecovery #attachmenttrauma #bpdwarrior #anxietywarrior #socialanxiety #eatingdisorderwarrior #adultchildrenofalcoholics #acoa #trustyourself #innerwisdom #selfcare #selflove #mindfulness #jewishmentalhealth #jews4mentalhealth

A post shared by Eliza (@elizajtl) on

When there’s nothing to say…

Trigger warning suicidality.

… the past week has been chaotic. Chaotic is an understatement. And there is no way I’d ever write in public what I’m thinking or doing at the time. I wouldn’t even wrote it in password protected posts. Because they could be read. Even though I know most people don’t read them. And I’m rambling about absolutely nothing. For there’s just nothing to say. But I want to out this down.

Trigger warning.

Today’s calmer.

Yesterday’s been calmer.

Do I really want to put it into words?

I don’t know what I’m doing here. I don’t really understand how come I’m still here. I didn’t do anything. But. I don’t know.

In my head I planned what’s going to be with my money. The messages I’d leave for people to get 3 months later.

You know when you’re choosing to live but death is an inevitability regardless of your choice not to die? Or you don’t know.

I wrote myself a letter. One of those nights. And what I found, still find, so incredible, is how I can be so positive and hopeful on the one hand, and on the other hand prepare stuff for when death is inevitable.

View this post on Instagram

Life is a journey. Definitely calmer after writing this letter. No clue how long it'll last. I'm believing it will be okay. I'm choosing to believe that it will be okay. I'm choosing to believe I won't end it. As I said a while ago, if god wants me to die, I've given enough opportunities for that to happen, nothing I do will cause death if I'm meant to live. So I may as well not do anything on that end. I'm choosing to believe in hope. I'm choosing to believe in possibility. I'm choosing to believe in life. It hurts. It doesn't feel like it hurts but I know that it does. How profound is that??? Life is a journey. I didn't ask to be on this journey. Yet I am here. I don't want to be. But I am. There's something I've been doing that scares me. Some of my thoughts scare me. The planning. The planning. The planning. I haven't done this in years. Or 3 years. When I got past this place then, I never dreamt of coming back here. Yet here I am. And. And there's nothing really to say. Just live with it. I guess that says it all. Just live with it. Until I can get to another side. Dare I say, until I will get to another side. #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #jewishmentalhealth #jews4mentalhealth #jewishgirl #jewish #jewishblogger #suicidalideation #suicidalthoughts #suicidality #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpdrecovery #bipolarwarrior #therapistsofinstagram #innerchild #lettertomyself #journaling #journaltherapy #innerchildhealing #innerchildwork #selfdestruction #selfharmrecovery #attachmenttrauma #oding #deathvslife #adultchildrenofalcoholics #acoa #addictionsucks #addictionrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery

A post shared by Eliza (@elizajtl) on

I just reread that. And it says it all. The hope. The opposite. The everything. Just the everything.

I haven’t been reading most posts on here. I’ve been writing letters as a distraction. They just say hello. If you want a letter email me your address – if you’re less phobic then I who does not give out my address. Not that I care if you’re an axe murderer and cone and shoot me in the night. Do axe murderers use guns?

I’ve ordered a number of gifts for the people I care about. They don’t feel as necessary. Last week, if you asked me, I would gave told you that give me 3 weeks and I’m not here. Not by choice. Never a choice to die. I don’t want to hurt others that way. It’ll hurt so many. R’R said I’m talking like when a kid does something accidentally on purpose. I don’t know how to describe the lack of choice. Of choosing one thing, or choosing not something when it’s inevitable however much you may go against it. Like saying gravity ain’t a force. Choosing not to let gravity pull you to the ground yet however much you hold yourself up you know gravity will win.

Death doesn’t seem as much like gravity today. Like, maybe I’ll be here in 2 weeks.

I called the CMHT to ask when an outpatient assessment is meant to be. The person who answered said they haven’t made an appointment and don’t have any until February anyways. Is that okay? If I don’t get a letter with a date in a month I should call again. I just put down. I couldn’t speak. Speaking is always hard. And what was I meant to say? I’ll be dead in 2 weeks, never mind 4 weeks, so you may as well not bother wasting paper or ink on an appointment letter. I’ll spare you the resources.

There’s a reason I’m going through the CMHT. Asides that any professional I called is either not available, or is fazed by this, or ‘doesn’t do therapy when the therapist will have to work hard’. That’s because most therapists don’t offer crisis management as the main thing. I don’t want traditional therapy. And. If I stop ODing I’m not going to cope. I can’t use therapy. I don’t do talking because it’s not safe. I use writing to process, except I haven’t been writing much as I didn’t want a record of anything. I didn’t want anyone to know I knew I’d die. I don’t want them to hurt even more. Not just would death hurt, but that ‘could they have done anything’. Now that I’m not going to die I can write it. I don’t know.

I spoke to R’R. He got in touch with a charity for me. No clue if they’ll be able to help. He said he cares. I didn’t tell him I don’t believe him for I don’t think it’s fair to him to do that. Tried to get through to my GP to ask him to call the CMHT but haven’t yet gotten through.

Work starts tomorrow. I can’t face it. I’ve been taking less. It’s less of a need. SG did some energy work for me. I texted her when I was freaking out asking if there’s anything she could do. I wonder if that’s the cause of the shift. Of the being okay being here. Of not needing to take as much so constantly. Still buying lots more coz need to be able to if I want to.

And that’s it basically. My world. Which seems to expand and contract and expand and contract. I’ve no clue what of anything is real. I wonder if in April I really was in a better place. Or not at all. And there’s been chantelle during the past few months too. Change that seems meaningless.

Boundaries. I’ve been keeping boundaries much more, and in a much healthier way.

Responsibility. I always took responsibility for others and no responsibility for myself. Then I took responsibility for myself so couldn’t ask others for help because I’m meant to be taking responsibility… I’ve been reaching out. Which isn’t me at all. I was freaking out earlier so called a friend and asked her to talk to me (could never tell her what I was freaking about). And. It helped.

Compassion vs guilt. I’m guilting myself less. Accepting what my reality is more. Like when I’m freaking. Instead of why’m I freaking, being okay that I am. Not adding on the additional guilt (that doesn’t take away the core guilt I live with).

Relationships. In the past few months there are 3 people I’ve really built healthy relationships with. My sister. 2 friends. One of my friends, I’ve gotten to know her children during this time.

I’ve really become okay with what I want, where I stand, re judaism and the culture (I hate the culture. Hate is way too tame to describe the abhorrence, detestation and all it brings up. I wonder if there’s such a thing as religious trauma…). Yet. I’m okay with it. When others bash the culture I can see how their experiences aren’t everyone’s. I can and do see the extremities. And how the culture and the religion of the culture is so different to Judaism. I don’t know what life I’m going to lead with it. If I live long enough to ever get that far. I’m okay with separating it. I love what I see. I love the connection I can’t tune into (because what do I tune into ever?)

My world is a mass of contradictions. That’s another thing I’ve learnt over the past few months of living with destruction. That there is an AND and both can be, and are, true.

Going to end with this image I made. I know this is too long for most to read. Which is why it’s for me. I’m grateful for this space for myself.

E

I’ve an appointment with the CMHT (community mental health team) tomorrow morning – this morning really. My alarm is set for about 6.5 hours from now.

Was messing with burning which I don’t count as burning because it doesn’t scar. Finally stopped. I don’t feel nervous at all. I guess I am in some way. Haven’t done this in ages.

Hoping and praying it goes okay. Trying to out the intention out there to the universe that the best should be.

It’s the morning after yom kippur. It’s kinda an auspicious time.

Going to try and go to sleep.

Really hoping it will be okay…. that something comes from it…

Journaling 101 22nd Sept 20

My head’s hurting and I want to try and sleep but I need to get some stuff down. Really 2 entirely different points. I feel guilty writing on here when others may read and I’ve read about 3 posts from others in the past 3 weeks. (I usually read every post of everyone who follows me – except religious or triggering).


Today I experienced again that when I don’t feel safe I can’t drink. In this instance it was that I was thirsty and wanted a drink but was on the phone and it wasn’t safe enough to let go enough to drink. It’s not just drinking. It’s any bodily need that requires letting go. I thought some things were due to other stuff but I’m actually wondering if it’s the same point. Just something I want written down. Not looking for others to relate as I doubt anyone will.


I was rereading E’s emails. All E’s emails, or most, are as she once wrote, love letters. They’re all filled with belief in me and care. She seems to think I’m beginning to trust her words. So I was reading her emails and came across a couple emails from AH – my ex therapist. He’s still my ex therapist for he’s the only person I’ve ever done any work with (SG too. But SG I don’t consider my therapist and never have). It made me really sad to read those emails. Because, they were some of the last emails he sent to me before we crashed and burned. I always blamed him for the mess up. For therapy ending. Not that I thought I didn’t have a part to play. Far from it. My feelings on the matter was that as a therapist it was his job to contain it, and that he was reacting to me and not handling me so ultimately therapy messing up was his fault because ultimately it was his job. Seeing these emails a couple years later, I’m no longer so sure about that. I can see how he was trying to contain it. I haven’t reread through all our conversations. I can see what I knew was his rejecting me at the time, and now looking at the words objectively I can see that he said he doesn’t know I’d speaking will be safe for me. He was trying to hold it together. I’m not going to reread it now. It just made me so so sad. I remember all the emails. I don’t think all the words he said were correct. He said he was happy to keep it to email/whatsapp for that point in time. He told me he was there if I ever wanted to be in touch. I wrecked it. I shut the door. I took every word as him telling me I was too much. I’m not actually blaming myself at all. I know that I did the best I could. It took me a year to get over the wreckage of therapy. And until today I blamed him – from an objective point. Now, I saw his emails. And I don’t blame him. I wonder what it would be like to reread everything. I always said he never apologised. But in those 3 emails I saw he apologised at least twice…. I don’t know that he was wrong. For being unable to handle my reactions. Because reading his words I could see how he was trying to contain it. How he was trying to give me the safety. I know he could have Don’s things differently. I don’t know if it would have helped. I know from other therapists I’ve spoken to. I know he went above and beyond and some of the things he did most therapists wouldn’t have done. It just made me sad. So so sad. Seeing those emails. Seeing that, actually he wasn’t the reason therapy ended. I was. He was there for me. He said he was enough times. I just couldn’t hear it. That doesn’t make anything else I was upset about at the time less true. For example I said he didn’t ever understand what I said. 2 points. One, it could be he didn’t more Two, he did and I just didn’t hear it. Couldn’t. In theory when you have 2 people who are both putting their 100% in, and they’ve built a relationship – done the impossible, you’d think they could do anything. You’d think they could contain it. But I couldn’t. And he couldn’t. And seeing those emails I could see how he tried his best to. And that just makes me so sad.

In a years time I want to…

I’d appreciate thoughts. I think I’m being really realistic here although it’s noncomprehensive as was just writing (I can only ‘just write’, I don’t know how to edit or alter what I say. I only know how to just let my pen or in this case finger talk). I think it’s realistic because I didn’t say anything non doable. I know not all of it is in my control. I know it’s up to the universe to send me whatever whenever (that I’m saying that is awesome. Every single time I see a future I think I’m amazing I say that, because so much I’m also not doing because I might not be here so shouldn’t waste/bother). Anyways, was just meant to say that I’d appreciate thoughts. Coz can add or take away from this.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFNxp6fD5MN/?igshid=1j4u5bmbev0vn

Today was another long day (well, every day is at the moment. With a lot of flipping back and forth because the smallest things change modes. Sis stressed me out and wasn’t handling. Journalled and was calm. Freaking coz not sure. Spoke to R which was good. Constantly back and forth….. makes it long…).


I’ve read and really appreciate all your comments on my blog even though I haven’t responded to any or read any posts here (I did read one. Sunshine and Fak ones I schedule). Thank you for being here.

💕 Be living without self destruction 
💕 Be present always
💕Be practicing mindfulness daily - a min or two a day counts
💕 Have a support system
💕 Have more friends
💕 Be keeping boundaries with those people who I'm still struggling so much with.
💕 Live in a world of colour
💕 Be able to stay with a mood instead of so easily spiralling
💕 Be journalling still!
💕 Have changed more self talk (I've stopped saying I hate myself).
💕 Be buying and planning for the future rather than not wanting to waste money on what I might not be here for
💕 Be present in my body
💕 Experience emotions - at least more than I do now.
💕 Still be in touch with R, M, M
💕 Have gotten past 2700 gratitudes!
💕 Live without the need to harm
💕 Get to at least 100 reasons
💕 Have set up Letters of Hope
💕 Have moved out
💕 Have a plan for studying if I haven't continued with what I started.
💕 Be living without ED behaviours. 
💕 Keep accepting myself
💕 Connect to a source and be further forging my own path not bound to anything I was raised with.
💕 Be fully taking responsibility for my life.
💕 Continuing to learn to let go of responsibility that is not mine.
💕 Embrace myself and allow others to embrace me.

LTM: 14th September 2020

Dear E

Welcome to a new day. Of possibility. Of hope. Of sunshine.

I just wanted to drop you a line to tell you how proud I am of you.
I’m proud that you’re here.
I’m proud of you for choosing life, or not choosing death- the easy way out.
I’m proud of you for practicing mindfulness.
I’m proud of you for showing up.
I’m proud of you for distracting yourself.
I’m proud of you for focusing why live. (Instagram – reasons to live)
I’m proud of you for reaching out to others.
I’m proud of you for trying to get help.
I’m proud of you for letting go of those who you wanted to be here for you and who aren’t.
I’m proud of you for keeping a lot more to your boundaries.
I’m proud of you for trying to do good things.
I’m proud of you E no matter what your choices are.
I’m proud of you because you’re trying, even if you believe there is only ‘do’ or ‘don’t’ and you’re not ‘doing’. Because E, because you ARE doing.
You’re practicing mindfulness every single day. You’re reaching out to others however infrequently. You’re journaling however infrequently. You’ve joined a once a week ACA call (6 weeks). You’ve called others. You’re writing gratitudes. You’re writing reasons to live. You’re eating more and letting yourself however much you hate and guilt yourself for it. You’re changing your self talk and are more aware of thought spirals. You are here. That is called ‘doing’. So there is only ‘do’ or ‘don’t’ and not try. You are doing E. You’re doing life.

I love you E. And I’m with you always. I will always be with you. I will always love you. You’ll never be alone for you’ll always have me with you.

I believe in you and I know you’ll get there. You will live life.
You will live a life of love.
You will live a life of peace.
You will live life without destruction.
You will live a life of hope.
You will live a life of giving.
You will live a life of rebuilding.
You will live a life of creation.
You will live a life of beauty.
You will live a life of connection – connection to yourself, to others, to your inner consciousness, and the consciousness of the world.
You will live a life of choice.
You will live a life of embracing your responsibilities.
You will live a life without others responsibilities.
You will live a life of freedom.
You will live a life of living.
So long as you’re here, so long as you choose life, you will live life.
You will live a life.

I love you.

Always and forever,

E