I’m trigger warning this because I have no idea what I’ll be writing and I don’t need to filter what I say. It’s easier for me to just write. SG I trust you to choose.

This week has been long.

I slept last night! I woke up a few times but I actually slept. That’s really major for me….

Monday night I was thinking. About life. About using cocodamol. About getting to another side. Whether it’s possible. About helping someone get help now so that if I’m not here they’ll have the help I would’ve given to them had I been here. About writing a letter to my sis that she should know that if anything happened to me it wasn’t intentional.

You know what they say, that when you reach bottom the only way is up? It’s not actually true. When you reach bottom you can let it embrace you or choose life. I’m choosing life. I’m deciding to believe that there is another side that I can get to.

There’s destruction. And there’s life. I don’t know how I’m going to get from one side to the other. I don’t know how I’m going to stop using cocodamol. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it.

Some positive things.

I signed up for an MBSR – mindfulness – course. I could choose a zoom one now or face to face in a couple months. I’m choosing face to face and I hope it happens. I guess if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. And truth is one shouldn’t do such a course whilst using and when the first zoom one starts I can’t imagine I’ll have stopped so maybe it’s better to wait for that reason to.

Been trying to get hold of my GP but haven’t managed to. It’s his responsibility to do something when he knows I’m ODing every day. He doesn’t know just how much I’m taking because last time I’d only taken x. Either way he should actually do something or pass it on if he can’t. I plan on guilt tripping him if I need to – I asked R’ R what he thought. I’m really touched by him. He called a GP when I texted him to find out what the GPs responsibility is, and told me to go ahead and guilt trip him if I need to. If not for that I’d feel bad to. I’m hoping I don’t need to. Because I can’t imagine myself being able to guilt trip anyone. It’s just not me.

I’ve told my sister what’s going on. She doesn’t know the risk factor. I told her that I don’t know if there is one, but that there could be. That cocodamol has never done anything to me in the past, and I’ve no way to know what it could do. Also told her exactly what I’d tell my GP if need be. How I’d guilt trip him. That’s actually what told her there could be a risk factor. We’ve – my sister and I – really built our relationship these past few months. There’s been a lot of openness and honesty that is good for us both. I’m still finding it strange how there are things I’ve really worked through that she hasn’t. For I’m the one destroying my life, not her.

Someone suggested I work through the 12 steps. One of the mottos in recovery is HOW. Someone once told me that willingness means doing anything anyone suggests. So if this is what she has suggested…. I’ve never liked NA because there wasn’t real recovery. I also don’t agree with a couple of the principles of 12 step fellowships. However, what I don’t agree with isn’t actually relevant at the moment. It can’t harm me. And if I get to a place where I come across what I don’t agree with, that’s actually only a good thing. So, along these lines, the person who suggested it told me she’d look out for people. I’ve begun reading through the big book. If I want TC would take me through the steps – I’ll think about it. If no one else, will do. I love TC and don’t want to change our relationship. Reached out to someone random and will see where life takes us regarding this.

I’m grateful I slept last night.

My friend told me she doesn’t feel responsible and will tell me if it’s too much. I needed to ask her because I was scared. I shouldn’t need to hear that as often as I do, that she won’t take responsibility that isn’t hers, but, I do need to. I can’t share with someone if it’s going to harm them. Ultimately that would harm me.

The conversations I had on Sunday and Monday night is what triggered feeling there would never be a way put on Monday night. Sunday I was on the phone to TC. I told her I got her parcel. She said she had been terrified I wouldn’t be here to get it. That felt like someone punched me in the stomach. Asides for the guilt at giving her that fear. I didn’t think she had anything to fear. Though I know how much, um, maybe she did have what to fear. On Monday I was talking to a friend and told her about the conversation. I scared her. Which wasn’t my plan. I don’t like scaring people. And I was wondering how real their fear was. If they had a right to be scared. As in, if there was anything to be scared of. If I should be scared. Which of course I never have been. It’s not like I was suicidal or trying to kill myself. It’s not like I could care if it killed me either. Hence being up all Monday night. Well I’ve been up most the night most nights this past month.

Hence getting to the place where I know I have to choose. Knew I had to choose. Let destruction destroy me or believe in the other side. Believe in the possibility of living life without cocodamol. Without ED is different for, maybe for it’s not as destructive and isn’t actually going to kill me at the moment. I’ve been eating more anyways. Been eating between 5 and 7 hundred a day. Which is more than between 3 and 450. Using more too. If I’m lucky it’s about x a day. Not really counting. Though today I’ll keep the wrappers for I want to give my GP a number when I speak to him.

Really, believing in life is a choice. It’s a choice whether to believe in hope. To believe that there is another side. A side of living without destruction. I’m choosing to believe in it. I’ve chosen to believe in it. In the possibility of life.

That’s why when you reach rock bottom the only way isn’t up. Either you go up, or you go down. I’m choosing to go up. But it’s not the only way. I could choose death instead. Even though I’m not suicidal, I don’t want to kill myself – I don’t know if I care dying or not, I don’t think I do but maybe really I do and am just not aware of it – I could choose death. I could choose to just use as much as I was a couple weeks ago before I decided to cut down in the afternoons. I could use more knowing it could destroy me. I’m choosing life. And that’s a choice. I’m choosing hope. Which is also a choice. I’m choosing to believe I can get to another side.

I’m grateful for the honesty with my sis. Because she is someone I really don’t want to hurt. I’m grateful for the people in my life without whom I don’t think I would have ever left the bubble of destruction I was living in. I’m grateful for the people here on WP. I’m not naming you but I think – hope – that you know who you are, and how much your support here, your comments and thoughts, really means to me. I’m grateful for a random person I reached out to. She’s the one who suggested I go back to a 12 step programme. She is just so nice. She gave me her address and told me to come over anytime. Whilst I don’t think I would, I’m touched. She really meant it…. and I’m grateful that I can reach out to others. I’m grateful. It’s not something I’ve ever been able to do in the past.

This past month or so feels like it has been way way longer than just a few short weeks. Every day has so much. So so much.

I’m grateful that I’m journalling again. That’s something positive too. I’m aiming to journal every day. And have been writing in my gratitude journal – up to 1200 now. And been going out in nature. I can’t run, or even walk much, but one day hopefully I’ll be able to.

Every moment is a new chance.
Every moment is a new opportunity
Every moment is filled with endless possibilities
I am one choice away from the life of my dreams
Just because I chose something, I don’t have to make the same choice again.
You don’t have to make a choice just because you made that choice before.
Every moment is a new chance and opportunity to make a better,healthier choice
Staying with the status quo is a choice, too
Not choosing is a choice too
My thoughts do not define me
My thoughts, feelings, and emotions do not define me
Your thoughts, feelings and emotions do not define you
I am one choice away from the life of my dreams.
You are one choice away from the life of your dreams.

I have what to write about the above quotes. Another time. This is long enough. If anyone has actually taken the time to read through all this rambling nonsense, I really appreciate it….. thank you…

Love, light and glitter

65 thoughts on “Random thoughts/update. TW.”

  3. This sounds really positive! I am really glad that you are choosing life! I know the journey must seem really long and difficult, but I have faith in your ability to stick with it.

    I’m glad R’R said what he did. And I’m glad you’re telling people about the situation, because I think with addiction, not telling people builds up unnecessary secrecy and shame that makes getting help harder. Good luck guilt-tripping the GP. I would find that really hard too.

    I’m not sure if this bit is true though: “willingness means doing anything anyone suggests”. I think it’s more about being open to things, but if it really runs against your principles, then I’m not sure it’s such a good idea. But if you want to try it, then go for it.

    I like the motivational quotes, particularly that my thoughts, feelings and emotions do not define me.

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  4. I only started following you recently, so it’s all new to me.
    But I will say this : your struggle is very real. I can see how hard it is for you, and how it must be hurting you. BUT… and this is a huge but… I see a very brave woman who has had made a hard choice under the circumstances by choosing life.
    I’ll be sprinkling glitter on my side of the world, and hoping that the wind carries it to you with the intention of adding sparkle and good things to your day. And I am sending with it a big cyber hug.
    Thinking of you. Thank you for sharing so honestly. Keep going! You’ve got this!

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    1. This is really nice of you. Thank you 💕 It’s kinda recent to me, too. I didn’t expect to mess up with everything again. I thought I was passed all but ED. Oh well.

      I love the glitter 🌌🌌🌌 it flew really fast and covered my room in sparkles.

      Sending sunshine and sparkles…

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      1. You know what I love about messing things up? There are always opportunities to ‘make changes and start again’. There’s ALWAYS that hope – so hold on to it ❤
        I mess up regularly – but no matter how badly I do, nothing is impossible to correct… and start from fresh 😉
        Keep smiling, and shining! Glitter love to you ❤

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        1. Thanks!!!!! Shake the glitter and see what picture emerges. Let go of all the unnecessary in the process.
          I’m seeing hope as a choice, and trying to keep choosing to believe in it.
          💕

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  5. It may be rambling but it is not nonsense.
    One moment, one second, one minute, one step, one day at a time. You will get there. I believe in you. I always will. Keep striving even when you fall back. You’re worth it. I want you to make sure you remember that. Also, I am proud of you.

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    1. Why proud?
      I know you think so. I was referencing you. But I’m sure you knew that. I hope you did 🙂

      For the first time I’m choosing to believe I’ll get there. I have no idea what I actually told you. I know I was thinking of messaging you but have no idea whether I did or didn’t. It definitely helps that others believe it too….
      I wonder if I’ll ever believe that I’m worth it. Let’s assume I will, and that’s part of what another side looks like.

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  6. I didn’t read all about GP and 12 steps and that, because I personally think that you are stronger than this already. But I read the other things about you going towards rock bottom or already being there and that you want to live. You will do it and can do it. Love is the key. And I love who you are, with all the flaws and I hope that you will get out of the destruction and take action to really live your life. It doesn’t have to be something big and you actually started to live it, while you tried to find it. WP was one step towards it and maybe things you changed over time outside of WP. So you can get out of destruction and you will! 💜

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      1. Yes, I hope so. I hope that we will be good! And thank you for thanking me. 😀 We should all be proud of each other, because we are still standing, well or we are on the floor, but still alive. 💜💜💜 You are also important. So if my messages are as important for you as you are for me, then I see hope for the future. 🙂 Stay safe!

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  7. Really sorry to hear things are hard, but also really glad to hear you making a positive choice. It’s great you feel able to reach out to people, personally I found that was the biggest change that aided my recovery. Sending all my best xxx

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  8. 💕💕💕
    No, it’s never nonsense. It may be a long, long ramble- but it surely isn’t rubbish. Know that.
    I love the quotes- especially the “one choice away from the life of my dreams”. That hit home. I love it.
    It’s great to know that you’re spending time in nature. Cool, nerdy fact- being near the sea is physically relaxing due to the presence of negative ions. Pretty awesome!
    It’s AWESOME that you’re eating more! And a FULL night’s rest is really, really amazing!
    Yes, so true. Living is a choice. Climbing up from the bottom is a choice. You can either lie on the rocks and let the cold seep into your bones or build up a ladder from your tears. Y
    You’ve got this. Soldier on, E. You’re amazing.
    💕💕💕
    Love always,
    GOTW

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    1. That negative ion thing is really cool. Does the same apply when you lie in the grass? I love lying in the grass. Find it really calming. Though only if in the middle of nowhere….
      Did you realise I mentioned you – that you can choose whether to read this or not?
      I wrote the quotes for myself and others. Some only make sense in context of them all.
      Love always 💕
      E

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      1. Yes, my dad says that walking barefoot in grass is REALLY healthy due to the presence of negative ions in the soil. I’m sure the same applies for lying in it.
        Yes, I did. I chose to read… ❤
        I don't understand- what do you mean by, "Some only make sense in context of them all." ?
        {hugs💕}

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        1. For example this is a choice, too. If I’d take out the ‘too’ it would be a quote on its own. When I lie in the grass I often wish I could go barefoot for lions, but brrrrr and I’d get stung.

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  9. Friends of my parents had a granddaughter they raised like their own. She spent more time with them than with her mother. Her mother preferred drugs, men, the trash in life than her child. The granddaughter started walking the same highway her mother did. The illicit friends the granddaughter had broke into the grandparents place and the grandfather shunned the granddaughter. She repented, but never could resolve the relationship before he passed. I was a part of this family friendship and I am being treated guilty of it. Love connects and get vulnerable. Keep the heart strong. Strong.

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  10. I read to the end and saw you wind your way to choices—hope and life and pretty pink reminders. I know it’s a constant battle. I know. Please keep choosing hope and life, Eliza. Post those notes to yourself where you see them often. 💕🌞✨

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    1. My friend said the same. Created them on my phone one day for blog Instagram. But not going to be using blog Instagram really so they’re just here.
      I hope it’s not always such a battle. But oh well.

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  11. Hello Eliza. My name is David. I think you read my comment on Crystal’s blog. I read this post. I am really torn on how to comment. I don’t know you and you don’t know enough about me to believe I have any empathy. I will share one snippet – 2 years ago my doctor told me I have one chance in a hundred to find a donor to replace my failing kidney transplant. I was getting sicker and facing going back to dialysis absolutely as I had over 15 pounds of fluid in my lungs and all the risks that entails. My wife encouraged me to have hope, 1 percent is better than zero. I needed to hear that. I did get a transplant and about 8 years ahead of when they expected, despite the odds. Still I like to think that having hope made the months of dialysis easier than feeling sorry for myself everytime i got hooked up to the machine every two days. If I was there with you, I would look into your eyes and say choose hope. The future is not today, a month or year from now will be different from today for certain. Choose to believe it will be better. – hugs, David
    I think you are already there in the positive mindset, I feel helpless to help people in my life who are hurting also but every day I tell them what they mean to me, and hope that makes a difference. You have those people also.

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    1. Thanks for sharing David. I really appreciate it.
      I’m glad you held onto hope and are here.
      The people in your life definitely appreciate it. I know how much it means to me even when I don’t believe it. At this moment I can believe others words. Even when I can’t they mean a lot.
      Nice to meet you David. Thank you for sharing….
      Love, light and glitter

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  12. You’re right, Eliza, once you’re down, up isn’t inevitable. It is possible to wallow, or to use the bottom as a springboard. It’s your choice. And, Eliza, you’ve selected well.

    Right now you can’t contemplate not using. As you’ve written, the prospect unnerves you. Conversely, nothingness has appeal. Not suicide, fortunately, but still, life’s absence.

    So, here we are. That’s how you view things today, end-of-July 2020. And you keep moving, going places, though. Just since you started looking at this response, many seconds have passed, and in that time you’ve changed, even if just a little bit.

    You’re doing so much to keep bouncing, though. Being there for others. Thinking of the future, enlisting help, and signing up for programs. That’s your tacit admission there may be something to this Hope thing after all.

    Eventually, there will be more to not using than mere deprivation. There will be things to do, places to go and people to meet. I suspect you know this too, Eliza, and that’s why you have decided to keep moving, to build a future. You know 2021 Eliza will have an interesting perspective.

    After a couple more years’ progress, just look at 2023 Eliza. Do you recognize her? Well…yes…but…is she really me? You bet, 2020 Eliza. Let me introduce you.

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      1. Looks kind of like you, Eliza, though she keeps her eyes open more easily. Getting more sleep and all, you know.

        Skin has something approaching a healthy glow, too, now that good food is routine, not just exceptional. I mean, naturally, she’s eating better. Does a lot of cooking now. Of course, 2021 Eliza got the whole thing started. And 2020 Eliza gave her the idea.

        Still, I think you’d recognize her. Maybe not entirely, but still, you’d know who she is.

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  13. I appreciate you being honest…

    I haven’t had a lot of experience with what you’re going through, but it sounds like you’re moving in the right direction. I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to.

    I feel like I’m moving in the wrong direction…..

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      1. I feel like my life is falling apart and I’m not doing a good job of keeping it together. I know what I’m about to say goes against everything I believe as a Christian, but it really feels like this pandemic has taken from me pretty much everything that makes life enjoyable, with no end in sight. I still hadn’t recovered from a traumatic 2019 when all this hit. I’m back at work now as of a week ago, I have to completely change everything I’ve ever done there, and I can’t concentrate. And with all the recent political unrest, in addition to the obvious stress related to that, many of my friends and people I’ve looked up to have revealed their true colors, and I really don’t know if I want those people in my life anymore. I don’t know if I want anyone in my life anymore.

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        1. It’s not anti christian. Christianity is meant to be about love and connection… and yes, this has taken it all away. You hope that it will bring positive things eventually too, and believe that god is always with you, but that doesn’t make something tough not tough…
          I hope work gets easier once you’re back there for a while….
          Sending hugs…

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          1. I meant the hopelessness. The Bible is full of stories of keeping hope in bad times… Job, the Israelites in captivity, and the early church being hunted down by Rome, for example. It’s hard, though. I want to run away from everything, but there is nowhere to run…

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  14. Like all the others here, I read every word. It’s encouraging to see your hope, your drive, your assertiveness to climb to the other side. Actually, even seeing the other side and striving to get there is simply huge. From our private conversations, you know that I have issues visualizing the other side – life without using, whatever it may be. The Big Book has a lot of merit; some parts are worth skipping – in my opinion. If you can’t get a group, I would even do it with you. It can be a life-changer, as other methods may as well.

    Godspeed to you!

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    1. I don’t see the other side, but I know there IS another side. I see the same for you by the way. That there is another side that you can get to.
      Thanks. Maybe 💕
      I plan on doing it my way. Whatever that means. I’m not really sure what that means. Take what I agree with and leave out what I don’t. I think you disagree with some of the same points if I remember correctly. Although at this point in time none of what I disagree with is really relevant. I want to work it through without committing to stop using.
      I listened to an ACA call at 6am your time that I really liked.

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    1. Thanks! Was actually thinking of you yesterday. Hoping you were on holidays and that it was going well….
      Sending hugs and sunshine…

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  16. I have a very addictive personality. The good thing I guess is that I don’t like the feeling of being f—ed up. I have a medical marijuana license for pain management but don’t like being stoned. I can totally understand why people become addicted to thing.

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  17. I don’t have witty words. I have been thinking of you and I want to say you are choosing recovery even when the choice is really hard. Each and every day, you’re choosing and it shows in your words. I think it requires a sort of faith to keep choosing despite lapses and relapses. To choose anew moment after moment. When its discouraging, when it’s hopeless, when you feel utterly incapable and completely unworthy.

    Dear dear Eliza, I’ve an offline friend with the same name and her own struggles with mental health and trauma, although of course they’re different. I think about you both and wish I could introduce the both of you over some coffee.

    Wishing you hope, tenacity, abundant glitter and internal sunshine amidst the darkness. You are a fighter and I’m cheering you on.

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    1. Thanks Jus. I’ve been thinking about you too, and hoping you’re doing okay and that things are settling down….
      It’s definitely a choice. Feels like I’m making that choice to believe every moment. People like you who are no longer living with as much destruction really help me to see it may be possible.
      You sound like me there – I like introducing people together, and actually plan on introducing a phone and blog friend because they’ll soon live in the same time.

      Thanks 💕💕💕
      Sending sunshine, sparkles and hope back to you….

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  18. Hugs, I’m okay. Not much to write about other than “I’m grieving and every day I’m grateful to a lot of people here and elsewhere which enabled and supported me in moving out”.

    I def remember when I was SH-ing multiple times a day, feeling unable to imagine a future without SH. It was reading about others’ journeys too that gave me hope. T’s belief in change yet her full acceptance of me where I was… I remember declaring I’d _never_ give up SH, it’d _always_ remain in my toolbox even as I acquired other coping skills, and her accepting that even as she said there would come a day where I wouldn’t feel that way because circumstances in my life and within me would have changed.

    And yeah I don’t SH anymore (but I do get strong cravings at times). And when I do crave, I recall and believe her words “You don’t need to hurt yourself for me and caring people to believe your pain.”, “You don’t need to hurt yourself to validate your own pain.” and the craving weakens.

    I do believe you can reach such a state, and I also know there’s no rushing or pushing that’ll make it happen faster, if I make sense? As you heal from your inner and outer wounds, there will come moments where the need to hurt is less intense even if it’s just a tiny bit. And so on and so forth you will have better days where you need to use less, and so on and so forth until days you don’t need to hurt yourself among the days you do. And so on, more days. Hugs.

    Right now for me it’s her words that when I have moved to join my fiance, that I eventually won’t be so distraught about reducing therapy session frequency. That I’d be at peace with it, ready even. I can’t and don’t believe in it yet, but I see the slight parallels.

    Oh, if you’re comfortable, do update with how the introductions go 🙂 A friend of mine recently moved abroad for university, and she casually knows 2 other friends of mine because of some commissioned art. 🙂 They had each expressed wanting to connect more, so I made a WhatsApp group with everyone’s consent. 🙂

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    1. I appreciate hearing this. Thank you…
      I’m waiting for you to be able to move…
      It’s funny. I took some of my words to you and applied them to my life, even if I don’t believe it, if I believe it about you (butterfly part I mean) I can think maybe it’s so.

      I’ll let you know. I’ve never videoed either so it’ll be interesting to see. In real life I always set up my friends. But then again, it takes so long for me to consider someone a friend that my friends can feel like they know each other from me.
      How did the group go?

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  19. I got misty eyed reading your words. I often have far more belief in others (like you 🙂 ) than for myself, and I have a similar logic too. And I absolutely believe you do make a positive impact on the world which ripples out. Even if I doubt my own impact, I remember how you wrote that I made an impact on you. ❤

    The group is having it's initial flurry of catching up. I'm a bit nervous about if it will peter out because everyone involved (including me) sometimes hesitate to just …casually say things. It's like we wait for someone else to share a thing and "give permission". I'll probably try to share stuff I know we 4 like, or like "I saw Y and thought of you". 🙂

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    1. I hope the group works out well…
      And, thanks…
      It’s definitely easier to believe in others than oneself. I’m just trying to remember that believing in another side is a choice, a constant choice.
      Sending hugs and sunshine…

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