What does mindfulness mean?
What is mindfulness?
What does mindfulness do?
The way I’d put it simply is being present. To be mindful is to be aware. To be present. Am some people think mindfulness is the same as meditation. Meditation is focus and stillness and is really a different ballgame. It’s got some similarities though. They’re both being present. Being aware. Just being. Just living.
When I’m mindful, aware of what is at this moment, I’m going to be living with my primary experiences, rather than secondary, tertiary or can’t remember what Greg told me. He told me quadary experience – whatever the right word is.
I’ve gone off on a tangent.
I find mindfulness to be grounding. Because I’m doing this course and trying to choose something to be mindful with, and of course I didn’t choose my daily activity because in the same way I’m rambling here and probably making you dizzy with the spinning and jumping and run on ness why would I think of one specific activity and as if I’d even remember during that one activity and then I’d anyways have to choose a different one so I’m doing that now as it is and don’t worry I’ll repeat this…
Mindfulness. Being present. If you read my trigger warning post – I’m intentionally not linking – you’ll understand what I mean. I’m grounding myself a lot. Focusing on where exactly my body is in space and time. Being aware of myself in my body. Being aware of my body in the world. Tuning into it. Tuning into what is going on. Like the sound of the cars and the annoying squeak of the light.
I’m finding it grounding. Because I’m trying to tune in. I’m intentionally tuning in often. Which i definitely think is a good thing.
It’s quite funny to write this, how taking the course is helping me, because we’re meant to listen to a guided mindfulness (which is guided imagery, or guided presentness) once a day. Being that I’m listening to the body scans in bed I try listen to another one during the day too. Anyways, I find it really hard to focus. I’m distracted the entire time. It takes till the end of the recording for me to actually be focusing on it.
I guess I’m saying that in some ways I’m not doing this being mindful well at all. And yet I am. So I’m not able to focus through the recordings… I focus for a few seconds at a time if you’re lucky. And I’m grounding myself lots. And lots. Which I definitely need at the moment….
I didn’t plan on writing this about me. Just about how mindfulness can be grounding and can be used as a tool to remember to be aware of where one is in space and time. To tune into the reality and help one be present. But this is what is 🙂
I’d definitely recommend mindfulness. But if you do a course research it. I did one through other places which were a waste of time. MBSR is a great one. You can do it for free online at Palouse MBSR Course. I wouldn’t have the motivation. You can google it. If you’re in England a lot of MIND charities offer it subsidised or for free. I’ve seen some great and some nonsense books. I like the first page of Mind Calm.
Love, light and glitter.
I’m glad you’re here. I’m grateful to be on this journey. And I’m hopeful for where this journey could lead.
I’m with you always E, and I will be with you always. Through the ups and through the downs. Keep rebuilding. Take the pieces and create something new. You get to choose what your life will look like. Build something beautiful E. You are beautiful. I hope you can let your life reflect that beauty.
When you shatter your world into pieces, you get to choose which pieces to pick up. Which pieces to include into your life. You can discard all the parts that harmed you. Don’t use them as part of the infrastructure. Use just the good. Just the helpful.
I’m so proud of you E. Proud of you for holding on through the destruction, and not letting destruction take over your world completely. As you said, you can always go back to destructions embrace. I’m proud of you for reaching out to others, or trying to. I’m proud of you for all the learning and processing you are doing. A candle in the darkness shines so much light. I’m proud of you for believing in yourself, in hope, in your ability to create a new life for yourself. I’m proud of you for choosing life.
Yes, you’re living with destruction in some sense. You’re not eating enough and you’re ODing daily. You’re also eating more. You are also eating all foods. Maybe not enough calories, but you’re eating all foods, bot just 2 or 3. You’re trying to use less. Go for longer stretches without taking any cocodamol.
You want to reach out more than you have. And you don’t know how to. You don’t know what the right thing to do is. And E, you’re trying. Is trying enough? I don’t know. I don’t know if trying is enough, but trying is all there is. Trying is all there is.
And yes E, you reached out. Think about the people who were here for you. Who held a light that showed you ‘there is a world beyond destruction’. They could only do that because you reached out. Because you were honest and vulnerable. Yes, GP has failed you. That is NOT your fault. Trusting his advice not to go privately isn’t your fault either. You can make new choices.
Life is a choice. And it’s the most important choice. I’m glad to have you here E. I’m glad to have you on this journey. I’m grateful to be on this journey with you.
Ignore those who don’t understand you. Let them laugh at you or be afraid of your thinking. That is their problem. Not yours. You do what is right for you. When what is right for you will destroy others? I don’t know. That can be added to the list of things you need some practical advice and guidance on.
I love you E. I love you so very much. I love you with all my heart. And I will always love you. There is nothing you can ever do that will ever take away my love. My love for you is not conditional. My love for you is unconditional.
I love you E. I see you. I see your beauty. I see your pain. I see your love. I see your heart that holds everyone else’s hearts. I see your loyalty. I see your fear. I see your terror. I see the little girl E. I see the fear and knowledge she will be alone. I will always be there for her. I will always be here for you. Remember what I said to you? (Dialogue through hope and destruction) I told you I want to be your friend, and whenever you are ready for me to, I will be your friend.
You are beautiful E. With all the good. Light can’t shine in the light. It is your dark that makes you beautiful.
I’m here. I’m with you. I’m sorry I can’t take your pain away. I can be with you. I am with you. I will be with you. I can’t ease the pain. I can, am, and will stay with you through it.
You will get past it E. Life, just living, doesn’t always hurt so much. Some days are easier. Some days are harder. Some days will be easier. Some days will be harder. Every day I will hold your hand and stay with you. Every day I will be ready to hold you if you let me.
I love you E. I will always love you. There is no way you can ever obliterate my love for you.
Always and forever
I’m trigger warning this because I have no idea what I’ll be writing and I don’t need to filter what I say. It’s easier for me to just write. SG I trust you to choose.
This week has been long.
I slept last night! I woke up a few times but I actually slept. That’s really major for me….
Monday night I was thinking. About life. About using cocodamol. About getting to another side. Whether it’s possible. About helping someone get help now so that if I’m not here they’ll have the help I would’ve given to them had I been here. About writing a letter to my sis that she should know that if anything happened to me it wasn’t intentional.
You know what they say, that when you reach bottom the only way is up? It’s not actually true. When you reach bottom you can let it embrace you or choose life. I’m choosing life. I’m deciding to believe that there is another side that I can get to.
There’s destruction. And there’s life. I don’t know how I’m going to get from one side to the other. I don’t know how I’m going to stop using cocodamol. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it.
Some positive things.
I signed up for an MBSR – mindfulness – course. I could choose a zoom one now or face to face in a couple months. I’m choosing face to face and I hope it happens. I guess if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. And truth is one shouldn’t do such a course whilst using and when the first zoom one starts I can’t imagine I’ll have stopped so maybe it’s better to wait for that reason to.
Been trying to get hold of my GP but haven’t managed to. It’s his responsibility to do something when he knows I’m ODing every day. He doesn’t know just how much I’m taking because last time I’d only taken x. Either way he should actually do something or pass it on if he can’t. I plan on guilt tripping him if I need to – I asked R’ R what he thought. I’m really touched by him. He called a GP when I texted him to find out what the GPs responsibility is, and told me to go ahead and guilt trip him if I need to. If not for that I’d feel bad to. I’m hoping I don’t need to. Because I can’t imagine myself being able to guilt trip anyone. It’s just not me.
I’ve told my sister what’s going on. She doesn’t know the risk factor. I told her that I don’t know if there is one, but that there could be. That cocodamol has never done anything to me in the past, and I’ve no way to know what it could do. Also told her exactly what I’d tell my GP if need be. How I’d guilt trip him. That’s actually what told her there could be a risk factor. We’ve – my sister and I – really built our relationship these past few months. There’s been a lot of openness and honesty that is good for us both. I’m still finding it strange how there are things I’ve really worked through that she hasn’t. For I’m the one destroying my life, not her.
Someone suggested I work through the 12 steps. One of the mottos in recovery is HOW. Someone once told me that willingness means doing anything anyone suggests. So if this is what she has suggested…. I’ve never liked NA because there wasn’t real recovery. I also don’t agree with a couple of the principles of 12 step fellowships. However, what I don’t agree with isn’t actually relevant at the moment. It can’t harm me. And if I get to a place where I come across what I don’t agree with, that’s actually only a good thing. So, along these lines, the person who suggested it told me she’d look out for people. I’ve begun reading through the big book. If I want TC would take me through the steps – I’ll think about it. If no one else, will do. I love TC and don’t want to change our relationship. Reached out to someone random and will see where life takes us regarding this.
I’m grateful I slept last night.
My friend told me she doesn’t feel responsible and will tell me if it’s too much. I needed to ask her because I was scared. I shouldn’t need to hear that as often as I do, that she won’t take responsibility that isn’t hers, but, I do need to. I can’t share with someone if it’s going to harm them. Ultimately that would harm me.
The conversations I had on Sunday and Monday night is what triggered feeling there would never be a way put on Monday night. Sunday I was on the phone to TC. I told her I got her parcel. She said she had been terrified I wouldn’t be here to get it. That felt like someone punched me in the stomach. Asides for the guilt at giving her that fear. I didn’t think she had anything to fear. Though I know how much, um, maybe she did have what to fear. On Monday I was talking to a friend and told her about the conversation. I scared her. Which wasn’t my plan. I don’t like scaring people. And I was wondering how real their fear was. If they had a right to be scared. As in, if there was anything to be scared of. If I should be scared. Which of course I never have been. It’s not like I was suicidal or trying to kill myself. It’s not like I could care if it killed me either. Hence being up all Monday night. Well I’ve been up most the night most nights this past month.
Hence getting to the place where I know I have to choose. Knew I had to choose. Let destruction destroy me or believe in the other side. Believe in the possibility of living life without cocodamol. Without ED is different for, maybe for it’s not as destructive and isn’t actually going to kill me at the moment. I’ve been eating more anyways. Been eating between 5 and 7 hundred a day. Which is more than between 3 and 450. Using more too. If I’m lucky it’s about x a day. Not really counting. Though today I’ll keep the wrappers for I want to give my GP a number when I speak to him.
Really, believing in life is a choice. It’s a choice whether to believe in hope. To believe that there is another side. A side of living without destruction. I’m choosing to believe in it. I’ve chosen to believe in it. In the possibility of life.
That’s why when you reach rock bottom the only way isn’t up. Either you go up, or you go down. I’m choosing to go up. But it’s not the only way. I could choose death instead. Even though I’m not suicidal, I don’t want to kill myself – I don’t know if I care dying or not, I don’t think I do but maybe really I do and am just not aware of it – I could choose death. I could choose to just use as much as I was a couple weeks ago before I decided to cut down in the afternoons. I could use more knowing it could destroy me. I’m choosing life. And that’s a choice. I’m choosing hope. Which is also a choice. I’m choosing to believe I can get to another side.
I’m grateful for the honesty with my sis. Because she is someone I really don’t want to hurt. I’m grateful for the people in my life without whom I don’t think I would have ever left the bubble of destruction I was living in. I’m grateful for the people here on WP. I’m not naming you but I think – hope – that you know who you are, and how much your support here, your comments and thoughts, really means to me. I’m grateful for a random person I reached out to. She’s the one who suggested I go back to a 12 step programme. She is just so nice. She gave me her address and told me to come over anytime. Whilst I don’t think I would, I’m touched. She really meant it…. and I’m grateful that I can reach out to others. I’m grateful. It’s not something I’ve ever been able to do in the past.
This past month or so feels like it has been way way longer than just a few short weeks. Every day has so much. So so much.
I’m grateful that I’m journalling again. That’s something positive too. I’m aiming to journal every day. And have been writing in my gratitude journal – up to 1200 now. And been going out in nature. I can’t run, or even walk much, but one day hopefully I’ll be able to.
I have what to write about the above quotes. Another time. This is long enough. If anyone has actually taken the time to read through all this rambling nonsense, I really appreciate it….. thank you…
Love, light and glitter
Today has been. Today. Today has been today. How profound is that?
This morning I was messaging TC (a friend) which was good. T always makes me smile. Even just thinking of her. And she shared something cool with me. This morning as in my kind of ‘morning’. This afternoon went out. Was just really calm and okay. Didn’t take much cocodamol this afternoon.
Only took when I came home a couple hours ago. And then felt really icky. It’s like a bone weariness and exhaustion and general ickiness that comes from it. It was interesting to really see the effects.
RR said to set my sites on a goal. Any goal.
There is a dream I have. I wrote a letter I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself. My dream is to have a selection of letters. To have a number of letters from others.
Would you write a letter? Would you write something like that? If you are happy to, please do, and post it, link it, share it etc. If there is enough we can do something with it…. one warning point though is that I want them suitable for everyone. So nothing religious there.
Today’s been good.
I want to use more and I don’t want to.
I don’t see another choice. But, it’s the first time in the past couple weeks that I’m thinking maybe I don’t want to always keep using cocodamol. That I don’t like how it makes me feel – physically, the general under the weatherness. That maybe I see a life beyond it.
So, that’s today. As I said, today has been today.
I’ve written about this before, I think.
A friend who is struggling wants a lift today. It would take 2 – 3 hours of my time. I have the time. This morning was tough and I didn’t have the headspace. I knew I didn’t have the headspace. As a side note I just curled up in bed, and was wondering the line between letting yourself be and wallowing. I’d freaked out on the phone, and wanted to just stay in bed. I knew I could get up if I wanted and do stuff but chose to stay in bed.
I didn’t have the headspace for her when I was in that headspace myself. I know I don’t really have the headspace just now either. Last night when I was with her it was okay, I was just completely drained. I told her that I don’t have the headspace. If I can later I will. I didn’t have the headspace so I said no.
I guess anyone who has followed this blog will know just how major it is for me to put myself first. To say no. Although I’m questioning if I’m really right to put myself first, I’ve put myself first and don’t feel guilty for it. I don’t feel responsible to help her do what she needs to. If I can, I can, if I can’t, I can’t. It’s not that I can’t, for in reality I can, but I’ve put myself first. And it’s not someone for whom I have to out myself second for.
I forgot I was writing this. But I think I put it down as it is. I don’t know if I’ll take her today. I doubt it. And however much I doubt myself for choosing not to, I know I can put myself first. I know I’m allowed to, and am doing so.
Love, light, and glitter
I came across this from 2016. But, I think it has meaning and is relevant today.
Just saw this quote: ‘Perhaps strength doesn’t reside in never having been broken, but in the courage to grow strong in the broken places’
It brings to mind hearing that doctors can look at an xray and see where someone has broken a limb previously – because the tissue around it is strengthened. Which is why one never breaks a leg in the same place (they say).
It seems to be counter intuitive, that, we should be the weakest where we’ve been broken, but I guess I see how it’s possible. When something is broken, so much more is needed to heal that break, than is needed to just continue as if it’s never been broken. It brings to mind what someone was once saying, that she’s really secure in an area of her life that she had to create the knowledge and ability from ground up.
For example, someone who has always believed that they’re special, if someone contests that, they can change their belief, however if someone never believed it and taught it to themselves, that they’re intrinsically worthy, if someone contests that, it’ll make no difference to them.
Which is also the same as what R’ Tatz was saying, he explained the passuk that said that in the place a baal teshuva, someone who has repented, stands, someone who has never sinned or returned can’t reach, he explains that it has to be so for this person is stronger and won’t trip up where they’ve previously stumbled.
Growing strong where you’re broken. Seems like an impossibility. But really, it’s not impossible. Impossible says I’m possible.
Can I believe that? No, not yet. But one day I can.
Love, light and glitter
As I said previously, I don’t usually do awards, but I’d like to highlight the bloggers who nominated me :).
Thank you Aathmana. Aathmana titles her blog Read. Love. Live. As her title says she loves reading, and writing. She started her blog during lockdown and definitely uses the time well.
Thank you Eilidh Horder. This is from a REALLY long time ago, but I want to highlight her blog :). She spreads calm and sunshine and has some interesting thoughts. I’m looking forward to her future posts.
Thank you Fit recovery. Jim writes about biking. He cycles a lot, like a really lot, and any question you have about bikes, saddles and trails just ask him :). He writes about his recovery journey and shares insight, understanding, and hope that it is possible. That you, too, can do it and be happy.
Thank you Mentally ill in America. He blogs about his mental health journey and offers comprehensive advice/explanation to people struggling. He started blogging 3 months ago and has come along amazingly in those 3 months. Go support him!
Thank you Mental Health 360⁰. Caz blogs about mental health. The 360 degrees reflects that it is from all angles and aspects. She covers anything and everything in her blog….
Blog awards in my view serve 2 purposes. One is to help bloggers who need support along. The other, the one I like better, is to show someone they’re appreciated. That you like their blog. For that I’d like to create the I love your blog award in response to these awards and I’d love your thoughts.
The I love your blog award (I was thinking about this one night when I couldn’t sleep) means you comment on any blogs you love (aim for 15 – 20 but 1 is perfect too). That you love their blog and give 3 sentences why – or more, you can write an epistle if you want. You would not need to say it’s an award and they won’t need to do anything with it. If you want you could write a new comment telling them to pass it on. To comment on preferably newer bloggers, or bloggers with little engagement posts and let them you love their blog and why. Anyone, everyone, no matter how long they’ve been blogging, or if they’ve been blogging for 20 years, loves appreciation. Before I write a post on this I’d love your thoughts….
Love, light and glitter
Remember, you are beautiful. You are worth it. You are enough.