I’m trigger warning this because I have no idea what I’ll be writing and I don’t need to filter what I say. It’s easier for me to just write. SG I trust you to choose.
This week has been long.
I slept last night! I woke up a few times but I actually slept. That’s really major for me….
Monday night I was thinking. About life. About using cocodamol. About getting to another side. Whether it’s possible. About helping someone get help now so that if I’m not here they’ll have the help I would’ve given to them had I been here. About writing a letter to my sis that she should know that if anything happened to me it wasn’t intentional.
You know what they say, that when you reach bottom the only way is up? It’s not actually true. When you reach bottom you can let it embrace you or choose life. I’m choosing life. I’m deciding to believe that there is another side that I can get to.
There’s destruction. And there’s life. I don’t know how I’m going to get from one side to the other. I don’t know how I’m going to stop using cocodamol. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it.
Some positive things.
I signed up for an MBSR – mindfulness – course. I could choose a zoom one now or face to face in a couple months. I’m choosing face to face and I hope it happens. I guess if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. And truth is one shouldn’t do such a course whilst using and when the first zoom one starts I can’t imagine I’ll have stopped so maybe it’s better to wait for that reason to.
Been trying to get hold of my GP but haven’t managed to. It’s his responsibility to do something when he knows I’m ODing every day. He doesn’t know just how much I’m taking because last time I’d only taken x. Either way he should actually do something or pass it on if he can’t. I plan on guilt tripping him if I need to – I asked R’ R what he thought. I’m really touched by him. He called a GP when I texted him to find out what the GPs responsibility is, and told me to go ahead and guilt trip him if I need to. If not for that I’d feel bad to. I’m hoping I don’t need to. Because I can’t imagine myself being able to guilt trip anyone. It’s just not me.
I’ve told my sister what’s going on. She doesn’t know the risk factor. I told her that I don’t know if there is one, but that there could be. That cocodamol has never done anything to me in the past, and I’ve no way to know what it could do. Also told her exactly what I’d tell my GP if need be. How I’d guilt trip him. That’s actually what told her there could be a risk factor. We’ve – my sister and I – really built our relationship these past few months. There’s been a lot of openness and honesty that is good for us both. I’m still finding it strange how there are things I’ve really worked through that she hasn’t. For I’m the one destroying my life, not her.
Someone suggested I work through the 12 steps. One of the mottos in recovery is HOW. Someone once told me that willingness means doing anything anyone suggests. So if this is what she has suggested…. I’ve never liked NA because there wasn’t real recovery. I also don’t agree with a couple of the principles of 12 step fellowships. However, what I don’t agree with isn’t actually relevant at the moment. It can’t harm me. And if I get to a place where I come across what I don’t agree with, that’s actually only a good thing. So, along these lines, the person who suggested it told me she’d look out for people. I’ve begun reading through the big book. If I want TC would take me through the steps – I’ll think about it. If no one else, will do. I love TC and don’t want to change our relationship. Reached out to someone random and will see where life takes us regarding this.
I’m grateful I slept last night.
My friend told me she doesn’t feel responsible and will tell me if it’s too much. I needed to ask her because I was scared. I shouldn’t need to hear that as often as I do, that she won’t take responsibility that isn’t hers, but, I do need to. I can’t share with someone if it’s going to harm them. Ultimately that would harm me.
The conversations I had on Sunday and Monday night is what triggered feeling there would never be a way put on Monday night. Sunday I was on the phone to TC. I told her I got her parcel. She said she had been terrified I wouldn’t be here to get it. That felt like someone punched me in the stomach. Asides for the guilt at giving her that fear. I didn’t think she had anything to fear. Though I know how much, um, maybe she did have what to fear. On Monday I was talking to a friend and told her about the conversation. I scared her. Which wasn’t my plan. I don’t like scaring people. And I was wondering how real their fear was. If they had a right to be scared. As in, if there was anything to be scared of. If I should be scared. Which of course I never have been. It’s not like I was suicidal or trying to kill myself. It’s not like I could care if it killed me either. Hence being up all Monday night. Well I’ve been up most the night most nights this past month.
Hence getting to the place where I know I have to choose. Knew I had to choose. Let destruction destroy me or believe in the other side. Believe in the possibility of living life without cocodamol. Without ED is different for, maybe for it’s not as destructive and isn’t actually going to kill me at the moment. I’ve been eating more anyways. Been eating between 5 and 7 hundred a day. Which is more than between 3 and 450. Using more too. If I’m lucky it’s about x a day. Not really counting. Though today I’ll keep the wrappers for I want to give my GP a number when I speak to him.
Really, believing in life is a choice. It’s a choice whether to believe in hope. To believe that there is another side. A side of living without destruction. I’m choosing to believe in it. I’ve chosen to believe in it. In the possibility of life.
That’s why when you reach rock bottom the only way isn’t up. Either you go up, or you go down. I’m choosing to go up. But it’s not the only way. I could choose death instead. Even though I’m not suicidal, I don’t want to kill myself – I don’t know if I care dying or not, I don’t think I do but maybe really I do and am just not aware of it – I could choose death. I could choose to just use as much as I was a couple weeks ago before I decided to cut down in the afternoons. I could use more knowing it could destroy me. I’m choosing life. And that’s a choice. I’m choosing hope. Which is also a choice. I’m choosing to believe I can get to another side.
I’m grateful for the honesty with my sis. Because she is someone I really don’t want to hurt. I’m grateful for the people in my life without whom I don’t think I would have ever left the bubble of destruction I was living in. I’m grateful for the people here on WP. I’m not naming you but I think – hope – that you know who you are, and how much your support here, your comments and thoughts, really means to me. I’m grateful for a random person I reached out to. She’s the one who suggested I go back to a 12 step programme. She is just so nice. She gave me her address and told me to come over anytime. Whilst I don’t think I would, I’m touched. She really meant it…. and I’m grateful that I can reach out to others. I’m grateful. It’s not something I’ve ever been able to do in the past.
This past month or so feels like it has been way way longer than just a few short weeks. Every day has so much. So so much.
I’m grateful that I’m journalling again. That’s something positive too. I’m aiming to journal every day. And have been writing in my gratitude journal – up to 1200 now. And been going out in nature. I can’t run, or even walk much, but one day hopefully I’ll be able to.
I have what to write about the above quotes. Another time. This is long enough. If anyone has actually taken the time to read through all this rambling nonsense, I really appreciate it….. thank you…
Love, light and glitter
This article is really great…
Love, light and glitter
I’m thinking about this. About password protecting my last posts. Because they’re on the darker side and that’s not what my blog is meant to be about. I don’t care for my sake if they’re up. I posted them, and it helped me to write, and you people here have been invaluable. Thank you for being here, and for believing in me. Thank you for your messages C and J. I’m just not sure if I should keep the posts up. If it’s helpful to anyone or not at all. I’d love thoughts…
This week has been a good one. It’s been chaotic and good. And busy. Still messing up and living with destruction, but it’s not the only thing at all. And I’m proud of how I handled my sister – I may still write about it if it’ll help me to. I overreacted in my mind, but in reality I really handled it well. And been trying to get back to journaling which really helps me. A friend bought me a diamond art painting which I did, so ordered another, and have the awesomest I believe in you box to keep the diamonds in (I hope you’re reading this 💕).
Been making some pictures for instagram. Haven’t posted most, but here are a couple.
Love, light and glitter
Today has been. Today. Today has been today. How profound is that?
This morning I was messaging TC (a friend) which was good. T always makes me smile. Even just thinking of her. And she shared something cool with me. This morning as in my kind of ‘morning’. This afternoon went out. Was just really calm and okay. Didn’t take much cocodamol this afternoon.
Only took when I came home a couple hours ago. And then felt really icky. It’s like a bone weariness and exhaustion and general ickiness that comes from it. It was interesting to really see the effects.
RR said to set my sites on a goal. Any goal.
There is a dream I have. I wrote a letter I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself. My dream is to have a selection of letters. To have a number of letters from others.
Would you write a letter? Would you write something like that? If you are happy to, please do, and post it, link it, share it etc. If there is enough we can do something with it…. one warning point though is that I want them suitable for everyone. So nothing religious there.
Today’s been good.
I want to use more and I don’t want to.
I don’t see another choice. But, it’s the first time in the past couple weeks that I’m thinking maybe I don’t want to always keep using cocodamol. That I don’t like how it makes me feel – physically, the general under the weatherness. That maybe I see a life beyond it.
So, that’s today. As I said, today has been today.
Kate’s letter is gorgeous and made me want to cry. Well worth reading…
a love letter to YOU!
This is an open letter just to let you know how much you are loved, how precious each and every one of you are. The mere fact that you are alive brings sunshine into our world daily!
I know that we all have a good heart, and sure some may have more layers to peel off than most. But each of us are doing the best that we can … especially all the kind supportive friends I’ve made world wide here at WP.
We are going through some particularly difficult and challenging times lately. For some restrictions are easing while others seem caught in a downward vortex.
Although we may all be in this together remember that some do have more resources to cushion the blow than others. Such as stable housing, funds to buy sufficient supplies and pay for medical assistance as needed. These factors alone are a huge blessing as most of our world are currently struggling with these very basics.
Incomes are no longer assured, some countries provide safety nets yet the majority don’t. So what I’m suggesting is that we all be grateful for what we do have and try to share with those who don’t have.
While fear and anger reign we all pay the toll … so kindness and acceptance go a very long way to cheering both our self and each other up in this time of turmoil. No point in sugar coating it but we each have immense inner strength, resilience, that we can draw on. Use it to it’s full potential because it will keep you balanced.
If you find yourself getting snappy, saying nasty things or overwhelmed by anxiety know that none of this is normal. That every single one of us have had our life turned upside down and trampled on. Each of us are fragile in various ways. Missing family and friends, deprived of touch and company, not able to socialise and keep ourselves busy with our usual distractions.
Might be time to find other healthier distractions, such as hobbies, helping, networking … coz sulking, avoidance and fear can become insurmountable. So rather than chew another out, extend a warm smile leave a book, a rock, a teddy bear in your window or on a seat … share the love or whatever brings you joy!
As your heart opens it heals those around you. Use humour, nature, write, create … find your healing outlet and as your mood lifts it ripples out to others and we all feel lighter and brighter.
Now enough from me, know that you are loved, that I am thinking of you, that I hold you in my heart and my prayers, that I wish you nothing but the best … know that you ROCK! And if this has helped even in a small way then please pass it on to whomever it may help so that we can support and heal each other.
How I dread chain letters but if this one can help please make it one … a chain of tender sincere love to warm and nurture you as you deal with all that comes your way today and in the following months. You may feel alone but know that you are not …
much love aunty Kate
PS you are my rainbow, my sunshine, you are divine … remember that!
I wrote this in January 2019
Today’s been, long. A 16 year old here ended her life yesterday. It makes me sad for her. Sad for she had an entire life to live. In some sense jealous that she isn’t here. Guilt for wanting that. Grateful to be here. Sad for her family, for all their unanswered questions. For the world. For a life full of potential that isn’t anymore.
I wrote her a letter. That I wish I could have shared with her, even if she’d end up deciding whatever she’d decide. My friend just told me to reread it. Still, just a mixture. Waiting for tomorrow.
I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself
Dear ____ . Scrap the dear.
If you’re reading this I’m guessing you’re suicidal. Have thought, are thinking of, suicide as a viable option. I know that place. Where the only option is to end your life in order to end the pain. It isn’t about ending your life I know. It’s about stopping the world. Getting off from a world you didn’t ask to be part of. Maybe that’s just how I see it. The train moving way too fast on the tracks, the tracks ending at a cliff, the train is going to hurtle down the cliff and you’re going to be shattered to pieces at the bottom. Or you can just get off the train of life.
I don’t even know what to say. For everything is so trite. Everything is so false and meaningless. If there’s one thing I do wish I could do, it would be to come and hold your hand. To stay with you. I’d want you to know that you aren’t alone. That whatever is going on for you, you don’t have to do this alone. There are people out there who care so much about you, yup, even though they don’t know you, have never met you and may never meet you. People who would want to let you into their world. Who’d be happy to let you into their hearts. It’s strange for me to write this for it’s something I need to hear too.
What I wish you could know with all certainty, is that you are worth it. That you are special. That you are beautiful. Just because you are. Just because you exist. You are. Therefore you’re awesome. I know it’s hard to see or believe that at the moment. That it doesn’t make a difference if it’s true or not. Just know that I believe in you. That I trust you. That I know you have way more strength and beauty than you can ever imagine. If you’re able to feel such pain, it says something about you. It tells me just how far your love can go. Just how amazing you are.
I used to quote things all the time. Things like ‘Go as long as you can, then take another step’. Like ‘Faith is taking the first step even if you can’t see the full staircase’. Things like ‘I’ve endured this discomfort before and survived it, and so I can survive it today.
I’ve felt these feelings before and sat with them, and so I can sit with them today.
I’ve felt like giving in before and held onto hope, and so I can continue to hold on today.
I made it through yesterday, and so, I can also make it through today.
I can do it. I will do it. I am doing it. I am strong and I am capable. I will not give up.’
One of the main reasons I held on was because I knew that I didn’t know what could be. Because if I’d end it, that’s the only option – ending it. Whereas if I’d hold onto life, I would always still have the option of ending it. By continuing to live, I can still always choose to die. Whereas once I’ve ended it, I’ve taken all choice away. Another big factor for me was the saying that goes along the lines of hold on because you never know who may one day say because of you, I held on. Although life wasn’t worth it for my own sake, for others, it is. Because even when I can’t see the beauty in my own world, in myself, I know that others are beautiful. Do you know that others are worth it? Is it worth giving life a chance for another day so that someone else will live?
As I said, I don’t know what to say. I don’t have any words. All I see is the pain. I wish I could come and sit with you. Be with you. Just know that, I’m thinking of you. I care. Even if that makes absolutely no sense at all. For I don’t know you and never will know you unless you say hello to me. Yet I care. I believe in you. I believe in the beauty of your world. I believe that when all the pieces are shattered, you get to choose your own life, you get to choose how to rebuild. I believe in your reasons. In your reasons to end it. In your reasons to live. I know that you’re worth it. I know that no matter what your internal or external world looks like you are someone so special and worth it to know.
I’m sad. I’m sad that you’re sad. I’m sad that the world is sad. I’m sad that I can’t actually come and sit with you right now. I’m sad.
I’d love to share your letters…
I did this a couple of years ago and would love to do it again. I’ve searched and chosen 2 30 day gratitude challenges that I like. The first is about what you are grateful for, and the second is about doing things for others and yourself. I hope to do this over February and March. Not on Saturdays for with the days getting longer (yay to sunshine!) shabbat is out much later and there won’t be time. I’m thinking of leaving out Fridays too, but will see how much time I have before shabbat on Fridays (Shabbat is from Friday afternoon until after sunset on Saturday, when I aim not to use any technology or electricity etc). I’d really love to do this with you as I feel like it’ll be more fun, and I’d love to see your posts about this. If you do it, please let me know, or link your posts (or email your replies). Even if you only do it once a week :). I’d also like to do this for it’s a way of focusing on the positive and is more about spreading sunshine, glitter, sparkles and light than rambling. At the moment I’m really liking glitter, even in clothes!
I’m looking forward to starting this on the 1st or 2nd of February, or if worst comes to worst – since I’m really busy the next couple of weeks and may not actually have time – mid February.
Please join me!
Gratitude challenge 1
- What moments are you grateful for?
- Who in your life are you grateful for?
- What food are you grateful for?
- What new skills are you grateful for?
- What about your body are you grateful for?
- What new item are you grateful for?
- What smell are you grateful for?
- What new connection are you grateful for?
- What books are you grateful for?
- What tradition are you grateful for?
- What colours are you grateful for?
- What and how did you overcome recently?
- What season of the year are you grateful for?
- What recent challenge are you grateful for?
- What sounds are you grateful for?
- Which new places did you see and love?
- What in nature are you grateful for?
- What invention are you grateful for?
- What did you learn last year?
- What role model are you grateful for?
- What lesson are you grateful for?
- What attribute of a person in your life are you grateful for?
- What change last year are you grateful for?
- What part of the day are you grateful for?
- What was the best moment last year?
- What voyage are you grateful for?
- Where did you see unexpected beauty?
- What in day to day life are you grateful for?
- What talent are you grateful for?
- What blessings are you grateful for?
Gratitude challenge 2
- Write down three things that you are thankful for.
- Express gratitude to at least one important person in your life.
- Go one full day without complaining.
- Meditate for ten minutes.
- Make an effort to smile more throughout the day.
- Engage in a random act of kindness.
- Spend thirty minutes practising self care.
- Send flowers – or something nice, a small gift or anything – to someone you care about.
- Write thank you notes (or some notes) to five people in your life.
- Go outside and appreciate the beauty of nature.
- Do something nice for a co-worker.
- Recognise today as a gift.
- List three things you like about your job.
- Spend the day being an optimist.
- Write down five things that you like about yourself.
- Recognise three things that you usually take for granted.
- Write about your favourite part of the workday.
- Think of what you’re grateful for before going to bed.
- Sign up to volunteer for a day in your community.
- Catch a coworker doing a good job and thank them.
- Think of a way that someone helped you today.
- Write down three things that you appreciate about your boss.
- Notice positive traits about your colleagues.
- Spend time with loved ones.
- Think of something great that has happened to you in the last year.
- Write a thank you note to a colleague.
- Refrain from gossip or speaking negatively about others.
- Compliment a stranger.
- Express your thankfulness for life’s hardships.
- Start a gratitude journal
Love, light and glitter