Saying yes, taking responsibility, gave me the right to exist. K, so I’m speculating here, but I’m trying to put my thoughts into words, and either it’s true, or it’s not. I’m going to put it down. And it could be I’ll turn around one day and say that this is nonsense.
I grew up feeling responsible for others.
I grew up feeling guilty for existing. The guilt comes from the fact that through existing, by living, I’m hurting others. That’s not just speculation or a kids thoughts. It’s still the reality today. By existing I’m hurting someone. By living I have hurt people. Not through anything I did. Just through existing. One of those people have changed a lot. I no longer hurt her through my existence. I’m not blaming myself here. I never did anything wrong. That person was threatened by my existence. I did nothing to cause that. It was her issue. She’s changed. The person I still hurt through existing has special needs, mental health difficulties etc and will not be able to change. The fact is I hurt her by living. I don’t think I feel guilty for it any longer. I used to. By now I know it’s not my problem. There are others I hurt by being me. It’s not my existence that hurts them, but that I’m me. And if I ever truly live my own life I’ll really hurt my parents.
The guilt for living has played a big role in my life. I still don’t believe I’m allowed to exist, however I don’t feel guilty for those people.
I’m wondering if giving to others, being whatever others needed me to be, justified my existence somewhat. I’m here, and I shouldn’t be here, because I’m hurting people, their lives would be better without me, if I’m making other peoples lives better, maybe it balances that out. Makes it somewhat okay that I’m living, even though I shouldn’t be. Balances out the pain I’m causing to others.
The only problem there lies that giving gives meaning to my life. I love giving to others. Not because I have to. Not because it justifies my existence. But because I love giving.
When I said that saying no goes against my nature R’R commented nature or conditioning?
I think both. Conditioning is that I’m not allowed to exist. Nature is I love to give. Whether by nature or by nurture I feel others. Whether that’s inherent or something I had to develop or both. When I was speaking to E she told me about her arm hurting. I felt the pain in my own arm. Not physically, but yes physically. I don’t know how to explain it. Her pain hurt me. I don’t really know what physical agony feels like. I know I’ve experienced physical agony – when I got burned (I’d say burned myself but that sounds like I caused it. Someone dropped a pot. Thankfully of water!!!!! It could have been the oil pot…) and my arm was debrided – do not google. I wrote a poem then about pain. I don’t recall the pain. I recall hating others doing things for me. I couldn’t do anything because I couldn’t use my arm at all…
I feel others pain. I want to take their pain and take it away from them. I feel others pain too much. It’s funny how I so feel others pain yet cannot feel anything about or for myself. Though then again my life was a pretty calm, good life.
Anyways, the point I was making is that I love to give. And that giving gives meaning to my life. And that I wonder if giving was a way for me to justify my existence.
This is also why I think I don’t ADHD. Because I go back to what I started off with. A past friend once said to me that she loved how though I’d jump from A, to B, to C, I’d always go back to A, to B, to C.
It’s both strange, and awesome. Amazing that I put myself first.
I was asked to do something really small. It wasn’t really what I was asked to do that was hard. It was that she constantly calls me. That she can call me 5 times in a day. Every time she needs my help. It’s too much. It was the way she’d tell me not to worry when I couldn’t help. It was too much for me. So this time when she asked I said no. When the other day she asked if I can check something up on the internet I told her that I wouldn’t be able to do anything on the internet for her.
I called my friend E to tell her that I said no. E said that she thinks I always felt responsible for others happiness. I think it’s more than that. I’ve felt responsible for their lives. When S said she was going to kill herself, that meant it’s my responsibility for her to live.
I’ve always been responsible. Not for peoples happiness. For their okayness. So when said friend needed something, I had to do it. Because it’s my responsibility.
Which of course. It isn’t.
A person can only carry a certain amount of responsibility. When I took responsibility for everyone I never took any responsibility for myself. Over the past couple years I’ve been letting go of the responsibility I was holding for others and taking responsibility for myself. Then finding the balance of still asking for help because when I took responsibility for myself I had to go to the other extreme first. Hey. I think I’m actually doing that. Not that I can easily ask for help. I can’t. I can accept help and take responsibility for myself.
So the instagram post I shared above is really why I started writing this. I just haven’t actually done so. I guess I’ll continue in another post as this is too disjointed.
It’s okay It’s okay to be tired It’s okay It’s okay to be wired
It’s okay for it to hurt It’s okay to want to give up It’s okay to disassociate It’s okay for it to be too much
It’s okay It’s okay to be you It’s okay to be real It’s okay to do
It’s okay if others Can’t understand It’s okay if you never do All that you have planned
It’s okay if all you do Is get up today It’s okay if every moment feels As though you’re going astray
Your reality is yours No one else can change it It’s okay – all of it Embrace it, live with it
The only way to move past anything Is to move into it Accept it and yourself then maybe You can move past it
Whatever your reality is or isn’t Know for today That it, and you, always are Always will be, okay.
I’m reposting it because people seemed to like it and now it’ll be on my blog. I found it a lil strange how many people told me they appreciated it, because I was talking to myself. I was writing to myself. When I shared it I didn’t expect all the feedback and appreciation. I didn’t expect so many of you to tell me you appreciated the reminder of found it helpful. Thank you. Thank you for appreciating it. Thank you for telling me so…
I’m trigger warning this because I have no idea what I’ll be writing and I don’t need to filter what I say. It’s easier for me to just write. SG I trust you to choose.
This week has been long.
I slept last night! I woke up a few times but I actually slept. That’s really major for me….
Monday night I was thinking. About life. About using cocodamol. About getting to another side. Whether it’s possible. About helping someone get help now so that if I’m not here they’ll have the help I would’ve given to them had I been here. About writing a letter to my sis that she should know that if anything happened to me it wasn’t intentional.
You know what they say, that when you reach bottom the only way is up? It’s not actually true. When you reach bottom you can let it embrace you or choose life. I’m choosing life. I’m deciding to believe that there is another side that I can get to.
There’s destruction. And there’s life. I don’t know how I’m going to get from one side to the other. I don’t know how I’m going to stop using cocodamol. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it.
Some positive things.
I signed up for an MBSR – mindfulness – course. I could choose a zoom one now or face to face in a couple months. I’m choosing face to face and I hope it happens. I guess if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. And truth is one shouldn’t do such a course whilst using and when the first zoom one starts I can’t imagine I’ll have stopped so maybe it’s better to wait for that reason to.
Been trying to get hold of my GP but haven’t managed to. It’s his responsibility to do something when he knows I’m ODing every day. He doesn’t know just how much I’m taking because last time I’d only taken x. Either way he should actually do something or pass it on if he can’t. I plan on guilt tripping him if I need to – I asked R’ R what he thought. I’m really touched by him. He called a GP when I texted him to find out what the GPs responsibility is, and told me to go ahead and guilt trip him if I need to. If not for that I’d feel bad to. I’m hoping I don’t need to. Because I can’t imagine myself being able to guilt trip anyone. It’s just not me.
I’ve told my sister what’s going on. She doesn’t know the risk factor. I told her that I don’t know if there is one, but that there could be. That cocodamol has never done anything to me in the past, and I’ve no way to know what it could do. Also told her exactly what I’d tell my GP if need be. How I’d guilt trip him. That’s actually what told her there could be a risk factor. We’ve – my sister and I – really built our relationship these past few months. There’s been a lot of openness and honesty that is good for us both. I’m still finding it strange how there are things I’ve really worked through that she hasn’t. For I’m the one destroying my life, not her.
Someone suggested I work through the 12 steps. One of the mottos in recovery is HOW. Someone once told me that willingness means doing anything anyone suggests. So if this is what she has suggested…. I’ve never liked NA because there wasn’t real recovery. I also don’t agree with a couple of the principles of 12 step fellowships. However, what I don’t agree with isn’t actually relevant at the moment. It can’t harm me. And if I get to a place where I come across what I don’t agree with, that’s actually only a good thing. So, along these lines, the person who suggested it told me she’d look out for people. I’ve begun reading through the big book. If I want TC would take me through the steps – I’ll think about it. If no one else, will do. I love TC and don’t want to change our relationship. Reached out to someone random and will see where life takes us regarding this.
I’m grateful I slept last night.
My friend told me she doesn’t feel responsible and will tell me if it’s too much. I needed to ask her because I was scared. I shouldn’t need to hear that as often as I do, that she won’t take responsibility that isn’t hers, but, I do need to. I can’t share with someone if it’s going to harm them. Ultimately that would harm me.
The conversations I had on Sunday and Monday night is what triggered feeling there would never be a way put on Monday night. Sunday I was on the phone to TC. I told her I got her parcel. She said she had been terrified I wouldn’t be here to get it. That felt like someone punched me in the stomach. Asides for the guilt at giving her that fear. I didn’t think she had anything to fear. Though I know how much, um, maybe she did have what to fear. On Monday I was talking to a friend and told her about the conversation. I scared her. Which wasn’t my plan. I don’t like scaring people. And I was wondering how real their fear was. If they had a right to be scared. As in, if there was anything to be scared of. If I should be scared. Which of course I never have been. It’s not like I was suicidal or trying to kill myself. It’s not like I could care if it killed me either. Hence being up all Monday night. Well I’ve been up most the night most nights this past month.
Hence getting to the place where I know I have to choose. Knew I had to choose. Let destruction destroy me or believe in the other side. Believe in the possibility of living life without cocodamol. Without ED is different for, maybe for it’s not as destructive and isn’t actually going to kill me at the moment. I’ve been eating more anyways. Been eating between 5 and 7 hundred a day. Which is more than between 3 and 450. Using more too. If I’m lucky it’s about x a day. Not really counting. Though today I’ll keep the wrappers for I want to give my GP a number when I speak to him.
Really, believing in life is a choice. It’s a choice whether to believe in hope. To believe that there is another side. A side of living without destruction. I’m choosing to believe in it. I’ve chosen to believe in it. In the possibility of life.
That’s why when you reach rock bottom the only way isn’t up. Either you go up, or you go down. I’m choosing to go up. But it’s not the only way. I could choose death instead. Even though I’m not suicidal, I don’t want to kill myself – I don’t know if I care dying or not, I don’t think I do but maybe really I do and am just not aware of it – I could choose death. I could choose to just use as much as I was a couple weeks ago before I decided to cut down in the afternoons. I could use more knowing it could destroy me. I’m choosing life. And that’s a choice. I’m choosing hope. Which is also a choice. I’m choosing to believe I can get to another side.
I’m grateful for the honesty with my sis. Because she is someone I really don’t want to hurt. I’m grateful for the people in my life without whom I don’t think I would have ever left the bubble of destruction I was living in. I’m grateful for the people here on WP. I’m not naming you but I think – hope – that you know who you are, and how much your support here, your comments and thoughts, really means to me. I’m grateful for a random person I reached out to. She’s the one who suggested I go back to a 12 step programme. She is just so nice. She gave me her address and told me to come over anytime. Whilst I don’t think I would, I’m touched. She really meant it…. and I’m grateful that I can reach out to others. I’m grateful. It’s not something I’ve ever been able to do in the past.
This past month or so feels like it has been way way longer than just a few short weeks. Every day has so much. So so much.
I’m grateful that I’m journalling again. That’s something positive too. I’m aiming to journal every day. And have been writing in my gratitude journal – up to 1200 now. And been going out in nature. I can’t run, or even walk much, but one day hopefully I’ll be able to.
I have what to write about the above quotes. Another time. This is long enough. If anyone has actually taken the time to read through all this rambling nonsense, I really appreciate it….. thank you…
I don’t think I’ll sleep until I get some of this down…
This morning I took my mother out. Didn’t really do anything. Then went shopping where I found cute sandals for 12 and an easy soft top I like for 14. Then nothing. Then ran to a friend and walked with her. When I was running to her I spoke to my rabbi.
I messaged him earlier that I wanted his opinion. That was really brave of me. He called me. Hmm. I’ll share that part here too.
I wanted his opinion on commentimg/suggesting things to my parents, that if presented in the right way may be listened to, and would help others. I decided it wasn’t healthy so for the past few months I’ve tried to say nothing. His opinion was that it’s anyways not a healthy situation and that if I’m going to help others and I’m not taking responsibility then why not. I don’t think he’s right but will ask others still.
It was good to speak to him. Gave him a life update. Told him where I want to be in 3 years – I never knew that I knew what I wanted. I guess that if I know I have to make a plan of action for some of those things. It was just really good to speak to him….
Came home after running/walking and ended up talking to my mother. This is what I wanted to put down.
Oh, that’s where it came in. I’m going to write it as a new passworded post because it’s easier to explain with the details that I’m not comfortable writing in public. If you want the password you can ask.
I wonder if I’ll fully write this post. Maybe if I keep it short. I replied to this in a comment to Keith, and said it deserves a post of its own. I’m in the middle of writing numerous posts. If I don’t finish it, it just doesn’t happen. I know how to go with the flow. I don’t know how to get back to writing something I started. Well, we’ll see if this is something I’ll publish or not. Bring that I haven’t written anything yet!!!!
It’s always easiest to explain what I mean when I bring it to my life.
EV is an older email friend of mine. Someone put us in touch for that purpose. She feels old which I find funny. I guess I’ve grown up in an older family so don’t see 70 as old. Though we’ve been in touch since she was early 60s. Rambling off tangent as usual. Anyways, I used to ask her for reassurance that she was there. A lot. Until it got to the point that it wasn’t healthy. (We worked through it, got past it). It taught me a lot that relationship.
It taught me that she could never tell me enough that she was there. However much she would tell me I wouldn’t, couldn’t, believe it or hear it.
AH – my ex therapist – once told me that I wasn’t believing that he could possibly care about me.
Safety. Trust. Believing people can care. Believing you’re worth it. Believing you are lovable.
I used to think it can come from others. I used to think people can pour it into the cup. Until I learned that if you pour into a cup that has no bottom nothing can stay in. It’s bottomless. Nothing is ever, can ever, be enough.
There has to be a cup there. When there is a cup there, people can pour into it.
So is it the internal or the external?
Well really, it’s a mixture of both. The external can never be absorbed unless there is the internal. However, that’s not to say that nobody external can help you build the internal. Also, take a crack with gaps. The water stays in the cup. It may drop out and need refilling more often, but the water poured into it stays. And, people can definitely help you build the cup.
I stopped asking for reassurance in relationships. Any kinda relationship I mean. Because I realised that I didn’t hear what was said. I couldn’t hear it and the words made no difference. (That didn’t stop me from listening almost daily to AH’s voice message telling me I wouldn’t push him away).
And I feel like this isn’t worth posting for it doesn’t really say anything…
For yes, I think we all know that there has to be a cup to pour things into if we want it to stay. It has to be internally absorbed, known, for the external to make a difference. And I also think we all know that people can help you build that cup. That the external sources can help you build that internal resource.
On a forum someone was discussing communication. Whether you listen or offer advice. Whether you explode or stay calm. How about when someone is upset with you? What is your communication style? Communication.
Not completely related there is an article on building friendships that skinnyhobit shared that is really amazing. If you struggle with friendships at all, or want to teach relationships you can read it here – building relationships using peer-a-mids. I’ve been wanting to share it for a while because it is that good.
Communication. I think I’m pretty good at listening to others. I don’t know how to reflect back to others what they say – that supposedly you’re meant to in order for them to feel heard (empathetic listening), because I listen, and I’m there. I find such words unnecessary. The only time I use it is if I want to make sure I understand what is being said.
I can listen if it’s about me, depending on how it’s presented. If someone attacks me I’ll be on defense and probably won’t hear what they have to say. If they’re talking reasonably I think I can stay reasonable back. And I can hear what is said. I’m also able to sometimes express what I feel differently or am upset by calmly. Sometimes. In the past I wouldn’t have said anything.
I don’t like falsity. I can’t usually tell if someone is kidding. I just assume that whatever they say is the truth. (Like I was at a wedding and my family were saying how at weddings everyone says you look really good and it doesn’t mean they really think that. I was so disappointed. Until that moment I thought that everyone thought I looked good…. I mean, I got a lot of compliments so it must have been the reality… they dispelled that notion. I would never go up to someone and say they look good if I didn’t honestly think so….)
There’s communication and communication. I struggle a bit, or a lot, with communication because of all that’s in my head. So I say a few words and to me it’s so obvious what it means. I think the few words that I have said have expressed the idea. I think the few words make all that I am thinking evident.
People trying to understand me have to be really clear about what they don’t understand because else they ask the same questions again and again and I’m repeating the same thing again and again both getting frustrated. If someone asks me why do you think the world is round, and I answer, if they ask the same question they will get the same answer. If they don’t say what they really mean I can’t respond to it.
I tend to also say things in my head and think I’ve actually said it in real life, which can lead to some entertainment or not such funny scenarios too. Mostly just funny. I can continue conversations based on what I’ve said, or add addendum. Until they or I realise that I didn’t actually say the first part. Just thought it.
What is your communication style? Do you think you’ve said things that are really still unsaid? If you relate or feel differently at all I’d love to hear your experiences and thoughts.