On a forum someone was discussing communication. Whether you listen or offer advice. Whether you explode or stay calm. How about when someone is upset with you? What is your communication style? Communication.

Not completely related there is an article on building friendships that skinnyhobit shared that is really amazing. If you struggle with friendships at all, or want to teach relationships you can read it here – building relationships using peer-a-mids. I’ve been wanting to share it for a while because it is that good.

Communication. I think I’m pretty good at listening to others. I don’t know how to reflect back to others what they say – that supposedly you’re meant to in order for them to feel heard (empathetic listening), because I listen, and I’m there. I find such words unnecessary. The only time I use it is if I want to make sure I understand what is being said.

I can listen if it’s about me, depending on how it’s presented. If someone attacks me I’ll be on defense and probably won’t hear what they have to say. If they’re talking reasonably I think I can stay reasonable back. And I can hear what is said. I’m also able to sometimes express what I feel differently or am upset by calmly. Sometimes. In the past I wouldn’t have said anything.

I don’t like falsity. I can’t usually tell if someone is kidding. I just assume that whatever they say is the truth. (Like I was at a wedding and my family were saying how at weddings everyone says you look really good and it doesn’t mean they really think that. I was so disappointed. Until that moment I thought that everyone thought I looked good…. I mean, I got a lot of compliments so it must have been the reality… they dispelled that notion. I would never go up to someone and say they look good if I didn’t honestly think so….)

There’s communication and communication. I struggle a bit, or a lot, with communication because of all that’s in my head. So I say a few words and to me it’s so obvious what it means. I think the few words that I have said have expressed the idea. I think the few words make all that I am thinking evident.

People trying to understand me have to be really clear about what they don’t understand because else they ask the same questions again and again and I’m repeating the same thing again and again both getting frustrated. If someone asks me why do you think the world is round, and I answer, if they ask the same question they will get the same answer. If they don’t say what they really mean I can’t respond to it.

I tend to also say things in my head and think I’ve actually said it in real life, which can lead to some entertainment or not such funny scenarios too. Mostly just funny. I can continue conversations based on what I’ve said, or add addendum. Until they or I realise that I didn’t actually say the first part. Just thought it.

What is your communication style? Do you think you’ve said things that are really still unsaid? If you relate or feel differently at all I’d love to hear your experiences and thoughts.

Love, light, and glitter

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61 thoughts on “How do you communicate?”

  1. Very interesting post.
    I absolutely agree about not understanding ‘kidding.’
    I never say something unless I mean it.
    I do have a good sense of humour, but I don’t think kidding is funny.
    To me, it is a passive-aggressive form of communication. 🤗

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    1. Thanks Sally. A lot of people kid about but not necessarily negative things. I just take them at face value. I have a funny story where someone didn’t buy something she wanted because she thought that I did. That when I told her I I didn’t I just wanted it to be a surprise for her (uh, why would I lie??). I get humour if it’s humour I’m used to. I don’t know if I do otherwise. I dislike any so called humour about other people…
      Love, light and glitter

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  2. I’m the same as you. I only repeat what they say when I’m trying to make sure I understand. If someone would repeat my words back to me, I wouldn’t feel heard. I’d be annoyed.

    It looks like our styles are pretty similar. Although, I never think something and then think I said it out loud.

    I find so many conversations fake. We’re supposedly trying to protect the other person’s feelings, but that’s not how I feel. Like you said – why do people say that you look good if you don’t?

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  4. Definitely a challenge, Eliza, to glean what people “really” mean. Yes, some degree of niceties are necessary to lubricate our interactions, but the answer isn’t to provide empty praise, but to say nothing. Reserve the tributes for when they really are justified.

    As for the example you cite, the wedding, I’m more inclined to believe the praise, repeated by various people, is genuine. One or two people may have been putting on airs, but all of them?

    Did they all come up with the same lie, or did you provide an image which invited comment? If the opposite were true, if several people told you you looked terrible, would you be so quick to dismiss it? Would it have been so easy to persuade yourself none of them meant it?

    Of course not, Eliza. You earned the praise, and savor the glow the recollection gives you.

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    1. Supposedly everyone says it. It’s the making communication thing. It actually makes sense because I was at a wedding where I really didn’t look good (I hate the pictures, of an unfitted dress etc) and got loads of compliments. Which I knew weren’t real because I didn’t look good. Here, I looked good. So assumed it was genuine. Either way I looked good 🙂 I don’t have any nice pictures but coz I know I looked good I don’t care about the pictures.
      Why do I ramble to you??

      Does chicken cut up fried with carrots go together with green beans? What about celeriac? I’m trying it with celeriac, I think it goes, wondering about the beans…

      Love, light and glitter

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      1. Call it what you will, Eliza, “rambling,” “illustrating,” talking.” Whatever it is it’s flattering. Plus, it makes me feel good not to b the only person who begins typing, and then, thirty-two paragraphs and 1,761 words later…

        Yes, the green beans would be a good companion, I think. That’s the virtue of chicken, its universality. Not nearly as demanding as are other proteins.

        Not much to say about celeriac, as I never have tried it, believe it or not. Had to stop a second and think if celeriac is something that goes by different names, depending on the speaker’s side of The Pond.

        Nope. We call it, “celeriac” too, but I haven’t sampled it yet.

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        1. It’s kinda strong. I wasn’t crazy over it with the stir fry. In chicken soup it’s really good. Probably because it adds flavour to the soup/broth, and the strength is absorbed into all the water/broth. You may like it strong though, for all I know.

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  5. I like to watch people and listen to them. When I speak I try to be honest, and always show kindness. If being honest isn’t showing kindness then I say nothing. If someone just wants to talk about themselves, I tire of that pretty fast. Communication is give and take. It’s all about balance.

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  6. Reflective listening isn’t necessary in normal, casual conversation. It’s frustrating and you can’t actually talk. It’s about clearing up confusion and dealing with emotional issues… for example in a therapy session or settling hurt feelings in a friendship or relationship.

    I never actually read what you consider to be your communication style. I read descriptions of what I would consider challenges for you in communication.

    I have a very conversational communication style. I tell stories and give examples to get my point across. When my point isn’t being understood, I work to shift my wording to make it more clear.

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    1. Thanks! I changed the title because of that. And yup, you’re right. I’m a lot better at it – multiply what I wrote by 10 is how it used to be.

      It would be interesting to listen to your stories… thanks for sharing… I appreciate it.
      Love, light and glitter

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  7. I have cptsd, which means I have a lot of triggers, making communication and navigating human interactions (even online) tricky and stressful for me. Interactions are tough for me. I get burned out quickly.

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  8. Just a heads-up, I’m closing my current blog. My study partners requested a private space for all our existing members who have been studying together for years in a private online discussion group I hosted. I don’t have energy to do the same content on this blog and a private format — it’s quite time consuming. Thank you for your readership and your comments. I appreciated them very much! 💖🌷💖🌷💖

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    1. Thanks for letting me know. I appreciate it.
      Take good care of yourself. I gained a lot from reading your thoughts and will miss the ideas and learning.
      I know I just ‘met’ you but I will really miss you.
      Sending hugs and sunshine.
      You’re awesome and worth it.
      Love, light and glitter

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          2. I’m testing out a new format of keeping some posts private and some public. I hope that will work out well for everyone who wishes to join me on this spiritual journey. 🥰

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  9. I really don’t talk to that many people to be honest – I live alone and now that I don’t go to the Park since it closed, I am not communicating with people (even “good morning” as we pass on the path), so my communication has gone way down. But I do chat it up with others I see out walking. I think by the time this pandemic is over we all will be lacking some communication skills.

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      1. Yes, I don’t understand the mindset of people doing that. I have seen people, long before this pandemic, look down at the floor or stare into space rather than make eye contact. I don’t get that, I really don’t because to be honest, I am there to walk, feed the critters, absorb what is around me, take pics … there are a couple of women who always want to come over and talk the rest of my walk. I’m not interested to do that. One woman complained about her kids, her husband and other stuff. The other woman would talk my ear off – I am not rude, but it is my personal time, so I will walk another way when I see them.

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  10. Communication can be complicated. I’m usually a slow communicator, because I’m thinking carefully, though there are exceptions. I like to process things. I do not like sarcasm. Some people apparently think sarcasm is funny, but I think it’s dishonest and often confusing. I do like nice, silly humor.

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  11. Eliza, I’ve got something interesting for you. Your disappointment at the wedding, when you were told some people just say others look good, even if they don’t mean it… that means you’re normal. However, if you want to be happy, and I mean truly happy, you’ll learn that what someone else thinks of you is none of your business.

    What mattered in that situation is how you thought you looked.

    For instance, if I think I look good, someone else can say I look stupid and I won’t give their comment a second thought. I’d probably laugh at them and tell them to sell stupid somewhere else.

    This is the “how” of “happiness is an inside job”. It’s normal to validate others opinions and to lack confidence. I don’t want to be that. I want happy. Know what I mean?

    Be that girl.

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    1. Definitely! I looked good regardless if they meant it.
      One thing that I was more disappointed in was to know that people are saying things they don’t mean. I just assumed that if someone says something they mean it. I guess you’re right though. That’s not my business…

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  12. I’m the kind of person who listens, but only give advice if I’m asked for it. And “You should do this” is something I try never to say to anyone. No one “should do this” unless they want to do it. I’m also the kind of person who, if upset with something someone said, tend not to comment or express my feeling. But I also take whatever people tells me with a grain of salt, because I know how people tend to say things they think people want to hear, and not what they really think. I have complete conversations in my head too 😉

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    1. Thanks for sharing Jina!!! And then I often think the conversations happened… it’s like when you know a dream was only a dream when the other person you ask about it looks at you blankly. I need to learn from you. No advice ever…
      Sending sunshine and sparkles for whenever you see this:)
      You are awesome…
      Love, light and glitter

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  13. You made me think, Eliza. I am not sure what my communication style is. I guess it depends on the situation. I usually stay pretty calm. I need to work on being a better listener, though!

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  14. Yes, we think we said stuff we didn’t, and the other way around: we didn’t know we said something because of switching (different me’s without knowledge of each other’s actions). This can confuse our family and we can make shame for us

    NVC says anyone who hears criticism or a demand will get defensive

    “I say a few words and to me it’s so obvious what it means. I think the few words that I have said have expressed the idea.” We get this, too.

    We talk to birds in our head, to trees in our head. And our me’s will discuss things among each other out loud, especially if we are playing cards with Spouse and inside people don’t know what card to play 😂

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    1. I thought I replied 🙈
      Thanks for sharing!!!
      I love the principles of NVC.
      Conversations in the head can be fascinating. Sometimes I really learn stuff from them. Then people ask me why I’m laughing (when I laugh at what I’m thinking).
      You will get lotsa differing opinions on which card!!
      💕💕💕🐦🐬
      Love, light and glitter

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      1. We got to practice NVC to help some of our household identify needs and see if we could meet each other’s needs. Shelter-in-place has offered many opportunities to practice. This was our first attempt.

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  16. Communication is so important because it is part of both your professional and personal experiences.

    I think with communication it is important to understand how you communicate in order to effectively communicate – whether you tend to say a lot or a little.

    I’m quite shy until I get comfortable with a person. But when I speak to new people and I realise it is someone who responds well to more verbal communication, I try to speak a little more. If it’s someone who needs someone to listen, I am always willing to do that. 🙂

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    1. Thanks for reading and sharing. I appreciate it…
      Listening I find easy. I guess introversion plays a part in that.
      Sending sunshine and sparkles
      Love, light and glitter

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  19. Woderful post and great reminder to me.
    I like two way conversations. Good exchange of ideas but sometimes people don’t want to listen and then i give up but I tried not to hurt anyone for anything.

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  20. Interesting ideas, well said.
    I’m usually fine at communicating until and unless the topic becomes ‘me’. Then I sort of get tangled up in that cloud of, as the aphorism goes:
    “I am not who I think I am.
    I am not who you think I am.
    I am who I think, you think I am.”
    And then the trouble begins…
    People tell me I’d make a great therapist, as I have endless patience for other people’s ‘stuff’…as long as it isn’t about me.

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    1. This made me smile. Thanks for sharing!
      Writers are therapists through their writing. Which is what you do…
      Love, light and glitter

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  22. I’m horrible at communicating. That’s why I write. It’s my way of letting things out. Not very healthy. But I’m working on it! And yes I do that repeat thing too

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