My head’s hurting and I want to try and sleep but I need to get some stuff down. Really 2 entirely different points. I feel guilty writing on here when others may read and I’ve read about 3 posts from others in the past 3 weeks. (I usually read every post of everyone who follows me – except religious or triggering).
Today I experienced again that when I don’t feel safe I can’t drink. In this instance it was that I was thirsty and wanted a drink but was on the phone and it wasn’t safe enough to let go enough to drink. It’s not just drinking. It’s any bodily need that requires letting go. I thought some things were due to other stuff but I’m actually wondering if it’s the same point. Just something I want written down. Not looking for others to relate as I doubt anyone will.
I was rereading E’s emails. All E’s emails, or most, are as she once wrote, love letters. They’re all filled with belief in me and care. She seems to think I’m beginning to trust her words. So I was reading her emails and came across a couple emails from AH – my ex therapist. He’s still my ex therapist for he’s the only person I’ve ever done any work with (SG too. But SG I don’t consider my therapist and never have). It made me really sad to read those emails. Because, they were some of the last emails he sent to me before we crashed and burned. I always blamed him for the mess up. For therapy ending. Not that I thought I didn’t have a part to play. Far from it. My feelings on the matter was that as a therapist it was his job to contain it, and that he was reacting to me and not handling me so ultimately therapy messing up was his fault because ultimately it was his job. Seeing these emails a couple years later, I’m no longer so sure about that. I can see how he was trying to contain it. I haven’t reread through all our conversations. I can see what I knew was his rejecting me at the time, and now looking at the words objectively I can see that he said he doesn’t know I’d speaking will be safe for me. He was trying to hold it together. I’m not going to reread it now. It just made me so so sad. I remember all the emails. I don’t think all the words he said were correct. He said he was happy to keep it to email/whatsapp for that point in time. He told me he was there if I ever wanted to be in touch. I wrecked it. I shut the door. I took every word as him telling me I was too much. I’m not actually blaming myself at all. I know that I did the best I could. It took me a year to get over the wreckage of therapy. And until today I blamed him – from an objective point. Now, I saw his emails. And I don’t blame him. I wonder what it would be like to reread everything. I always said he never apologised. But in those 3 emails I saw he apologised at least twice…. I don’t know that he was wrong. For being unable to handle my reactions. Because reading his words I could see how he was trying to contain it. How he was trying to give me the safety. I know he could have Don’s things differently. I don’t know if it would have helped. I know from other therapists I’ve spoken to. I know he went above and beyond and some of the things he did most therapists wouldn’t have done. It just made me sad. So so sad. Seeing those emails. Seeing that, actually he wasn’t the reason therapy ended. I was. He was there for me. He said he was enough times. I just couldn’t hear it. That doesn’t make anything else I was upset about at the time less true. For example I said he didn’t ever understand what I said. 2 points. One, it could be he didn’t more Two, he did and I just didn’t hear it. Couldn’t. In theory when you have 2 people who are both putting their 100% in, and they’ve built a relationship – done the impossible, you’d think they could do anything. You’d think they could contain it. But I couldn’t. And he couldn’t. And seeing those emails I could see how he tried his best to. And that just makes me so sad.