I'm sad. Someone messaged me a really gorgeous message that it's been a while since they've heard from me and they're a little worried and could I please respond. No pressure but yes pressure. I'm sad. I'm sad I scared her. I don't even know if she was scared. I remember TC telling me when…
Journaling 101 22nd Sept 20
My head's hurting and I want to try and sleep but I need to get some stuff down. Really 2 entirely different points. I feel guilty writing on here when others may read and I've read about 3 posts from others in the past 3 weeks. (I usually read every post of everyone who follows…
Is honesty a negative thing?
On being genuine. I don't know if it's a good thing or not. I can't live with or handle anything at all incongruent. Or, I find it hard to reconcile. I had a workmate who became a close friend. Then we lost touch because she was so busy. She'd call me if she needed anything.…
Is this what staying with reality looks like?
This is what I wrote on instagram now. The last line is what I'm thinking about here. (It will be easier to understand if you've read what I wrote here.) I said that the truth is I still don't know what to do with myself. I've woken myself up, but I haven't done anything. What…
Sitting with reality
Something just happened. It huts too close to home for me to write about it yet. And, I don't know how to handle it or what to do with myself. I don't feel anything for it would hurt too much so it doesn't yet hurt at all. Just sitting with itJust being with itThe I…
Random.
Today was a calmer day. Used less cocodamol. Swept a bit the mess I made last night with what I did. Ate too much (for what I feel I should eat. Honestly I'm also grateful I ate more than I wanted to). Not sure how come I've used less but I did. Tried to get…
How do you perceive the world?
I just wrote this. Not sure what I'm trying to say with it .. Sometimes I feel like everyone sees things so differently to me. I just saw a post on Instagram about fat phobia and my only thought was, but why would someone think or feel that way? Like obviously everyone likes everyone and…
Do I password protect my last posts?
I'm thinking about this. About password protecting my last posts. Because they're on the darker side and that's not what my blog is meant to be about. I don't care for my sake if they're up. I posted them, and it helped me to write, and you people here have been invaluable. Thank you for…
Today’s thoughts/update
This is more of an update for myself. I want to figure out a way forward. I don't know what that looks like or would look like. I am still using. Living with ED. I don't count SH for it's not constant but random so in my mind I'm not. Also because if it doesn't…
Who serves whom?
Just a thought. If I use (applies to self harm, ED, anything), who is serving who? Is using serving me, or am I serving using? Really, in my head it goes Do I serve (at the alter of) using, or is using serving me? I find that thought quite sobering. I mean figuratively, but literally,…
Journey to life 