This is more of an update for myself.
I want to figure out a way forward. I don’t know what that looks like or would look like.
I am still using. Living with ED. I don’t count SH for it’s not constant but random so in my mind I’m not. Also because if it doesn’t blister I didn’t do anything. But they aren’t taking over my world anymore. Last night felt like hell on earth. But today was really okay, which I’m grateful for. Also grateful that wasn’t sick today even though I definitely used way way too much. I slept. And today is a new day.
Whenever I half wake up in the night I jerk myself awake to use. It’s actually not really a choice.
I asked S if she could help. She gave me the name of someone who does energy work as she can’t at the moment. This person just sent me a form you’d have to fill in first, and I’m not happy to fill it in. So I’ll think about it.
I spoke to my GP today. He called me a couple weeks ago. I’d spoken to this therapist I saw from the NHS. Backtracking is that 1.5 years ago I asked for a referral for DBT. Actually this goes back 2.5 years ago come to think of it. So you have to commission it because it’s not offered in my borough. And there’s no private services. The commissioning team sent the referral to another psychology service that offer 12 sessions CBT and asked them to see if they could do that instead. So this is the NHS therapist I spoke to. The first 3 times i spoke to her were an assessment. I freaked out on her twice. Then was session 6 which she wanted to do a risk assessment. Pushed it off. Session 7. And I stupidly answered her honestly. Either way, she is the person who is best to request it. Who can say their service can’t help (either way ‘they’re not a crisis service and don’t deal with any form of risk’). I asked my GP to speak to her and ask her to request it. He said he’ll try. Whatever that means. He told me a couple weeks ago that he wanted to put a referral through to the other service. Which honestly is a waste of time. I didn’t mention it to him now or ask him about it because I don’t know that I want him to. It’s just a rigmarole that has landed me both times I did it nowhere.
I asked my GP what he thought about going privately for therapy. He didn’t think there was a point. I don’t know if I agree. I half do. There’s also the point that I can’t be honest with most people. If I’d tell anyone what I’m using (cocodamol) every day they’d either call an ambulance which is just a waste of time, or they wouldn’t believe me, also a waste of time. And a large majority of private practitioners aren’t ready to deal with any risk factors. I contacted 4 private therapists. 2 aren’t seeing anyone new. Another I spoke to yesterday and she said she doesn’t work with anyone where she’ll have to put in that kind of work to get the client on board. The 4th I saw briefly in the past. It didn’t happen due to a cultural misunderstanding. She is a great therapist who would be able to do it. If she gets back to me, and if it could work out. I somehow doubt it though. I intuitively know that it’s not a good idea, but I contacted her anyways to do my part. This was before I spoke to my GP. (I don’t consider his thoughts to be the bible. Just a thought). I’m not going to look further though.
What do I want? I don’t know what I want. I know that if I try reach out for help I’m also reacting in the opposite way. Yesterday I really reached out and last night the force of destruction was strong enough that it was scaring me.
Really I want to speak to S. I want her to do some clearing for me. Make the world safer. She can’t at the moment. I have to think about whether I want to speak to the person whose number she gave to me. This person does kinesiology which I like. (It’d be remote). Just, you’d have to fill in a form that I’m not comfortable to. And I don’t really have the money. And it’s not S. I texted R’R that I’m thinking about finding that way forwards (I’d let him know I was messing up. That’s one thing different in a sense now. I’ve really reached out to people. Which isn’t something I do easily. And I’m terrified of crossing boundaries). He replied that I should let him know if he can help in any way. I can’t think how he can at the moment. I may tell him by believing I’ll get there. Wherever there may look like.
This is long. And says nothing at all. For I still don’t know what moving forwards looks like. I don’t know how to. I don’t know what I need or want. I wish I could tell everyone to just leave me messages every so often, no such thing as too often, telling me they believe in me, they care, are there, I’ll get there and I’ll do it. Although I’m trying to believe it, it really helps me. Any message of hope/encouragement/belief does. (That’s why I’ve been emailing someone every so often. I know how much such things help me, so if I can give it, I will).
Every moment is a new moment. I’m grateful for how much calmer today was. Grateful to be okay today. Grateful that I tidied my room a bit – well, there’s now a path on the floor and you can see some of the carpet. I’m proud of how much I tidied! Even if to an outsider it’s a wreck still. Been posting pictures too (thanks to K actually). I really like photography. I need to find more movies I like for free. I half wonder if i should just pay for a subscription somewhere where I can watch anything I like. At the moment movies are the best thing possible for me in the evening (when I don’t spend nearly an hour on my phone writing things like this). I don’t really want to spend the money that’s not spare, bit maybe I will.
I can’t run anymore. But I should try and exercise. And I applied to an MBSR mindfulness course. I think if they ever do one face to face I rather that. Will see what happens.
Anyways, this is long enough.