A repost of my last post about sitting with the pain. That I woke myself up now coz can't stay with it, can't let myself think about it, but I haven't done anything and maybe that's what it means.

This is what I wrote on instagram now. The last line is what I’m thinking about here. (It will be easier to understand if you’ve read what I wrote here.) I said that the truth is I still don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve woken myself up, but I haven’t done anything. What I missed out is that maybe this is what being with it looks like. Shaking in bed. Putting on music. Not letting myself think at all because I can’t think about it. Maybe this is what staying with reality is about. I wonder. I wonder if that’s what the real world looks like. The not knowing. The just letting the not knowing be. And nor knowing a lil bit more.


30 thoughts on “Is this what staying with reality looks like?

  1. Yes, in a way reality seems to be like you describe it, at least for now.
    But not forever and you will get out of this stronger.
    And don’t forget, we are here with you. So you don’t have to fight alone.
    Sorry to read that with your uncle and also the way you feel right now.
    We all will be stronger after this. And I know, it doesn’t really feel like anything at first.
    You will get there. Don’t give up. You are a fighter and you are a lovely being. πŸ’œ

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’ve heard people describe their change from a dissociative existence to actually feeling, as being a newborn. At first we don’t have the skills and feel overwhelmed. But because we’re not babies and we’re adults instead, we very quickly learn and can accelerate the emotional growth in leaps and bounds. I’m certainly not an expert but I’m beginning to learn things now, in a very short space of time, and I know I’ve got a long way to go but I’ve certainly made a start. And so have you, it seems. You’ve got a lot of people around you in this, caring and supporting you, which can only help.

    Liked by 3 people

        1. πŸ™‚
          It’s not a jump off! But gradual. As in you can dip your little toe into the water. Then come back out. And dip it in again. Stay with your body more and more. But anyways, you are…..

          Liked by 1 person

            1. That’s my understanding…..
              I think at some point there is a jump off. At some point you have to stop dipping your toe in and out the water. When the water is more tempting then the fear. Or you’ve gone deeper and deeper each time you ventured so aren’t scared of immersing yourself…. it’s not like you can never come back out the water though.
              Don’t get me wrong, I think the water is terrifying! I just don’t think it’s a tap you switch on and off and deluge yourself with and drown under, but a pool you can get accustomed to more gradually before immersing yourself.


  3. Speak to someone or even cry if you must but don’t let it all bottle up inside you…let it out in a stream of tears or even just speak to someone. Holding it inside you will just make it a lot more painful and tiring!
    May your uncle rest in peace! Just hang in there. I KNOW you can, this too will pass.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh oh. He is in very good Hands Eliza. May God give you and other near and dear ones strength and wisdom to deal with his absence.
    Our so called reality is a dream my dear. Just a Reality Show
    Stay strong. Stay blessed

    Liked by 1 person

    1. πŸ™‚
      It is a dream but I rather not discuss that. I know what you meant and agree with you but it’s not good for me to talk about or hear about because there’s depersonalisation/derealisation which I used to live with.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Sympathies, Eliza. In the most direct sense. Know many sigh with you.

    Yes, this is reality. Pretending otherwise doesn’t profit you. Not any us, actually.

    Yet, this moment isn’t all there is, though. Reality is much too sophisticated, much too powerful to be limited so.

    Until the moment more is revealed, though, peace strength and love. This is our shared endeavor.

    Liked by 1 person

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