Something just happened. It huts too close to home for me to write about it yet. And, I don’t know how to handle it or what to do with myself. I don’t feel anything for it would hurt too much so it doesn’t yet hurt at all.

Just sitting with it
Just being with it
The I don’t know what to do with myself
I DON’T know what to do with myself .
Too much
Too big
I don’t know what to do.
Just be with it
Just let it be
The too much
The emptiness
The lack
The shaking
The nothingness
I don’t know what to do with myself.
I don’t need to know.
I don’t need to act on it.
I don’t need to make it okay
For it just isn’t okay.
I don’t need to do anything.
There isn’t anything to do
Just be
Just let it be
I don’t know what to do with myself.
Maybe I don’t need to know
Maybe, just maybe,
I don’t need to do anything
Maybe I can lie here
And do nothing, knowing that
I don’t know what to do with myself
And I don’t need to know. Maybe.

I find it a little funny how sometimes I talk such sense. Funny because I’m living it. I don’t know what to do with myself. And I’m just stating for now with the not knowing. I find it kinda funny how in some ways I talk and live such sense, when I’m also destroying myself.

I don’t know what to do with myself. And for the past few hours I’ve just stayed with it. With the not knowing. Without acting on it. Just doing nothing. And being unsure what on earth to do. And doing nothing. Just being with it.

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30 thoughts on “Sitting with reality”

  1. ‘I find it kinda funny how in some ways I talk and live such sense, when I’m also destroying myself.’
    I can totally relate to this. ♥️

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  2. Don’t vex yourself, Eliza. Wisely, you’re just going with it, instead of scrambling for a larger meaning, for some kind of explanation.

    That may come in time, or it may not. Not your concern right now. Just stay in the moment, and know that you…are.

    As for the narrative, let September Eliza work on that next month. We’re willing to take a crack at it then too, if you’ll have us.

    Until then, again, just appreciate that you are.

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  3. Eliza, it is good that you have articulated your feelings and frustrations in the well-written poem. It is when you deny your feelings that you really can’t do anything about them. Maybe if you have a change of scene, take a walk, listen to music, watch an old movie…whatever you find calming and relaxing, answers will come to you. You really don’t have to do anything right now but rest and feel better.

    All the best! Cheryl

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    1. 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕
      I thought of you when I was writing about strangers I never knew, you and someone else on here, who really reached out for no reason at all. Thank you.

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  4. As I once said, you are working it out, it takes time, but you will do it.
    And by doing what you do right now – “I don’t know what to do with myself” – you do more for yourself you understand right now. So yes, it will be good. 🙂 💜💖

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    1. I know. Thank you. You’re doing the same from what I see…. I feel like all you’re doing is writing. Though I haven’t read your recent posts at all 😦

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        1. The last I read it was so much processing too. So is good …. I’m glad you are.
          Do you have any plans for your future? For where you want to be in 5 years?

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          1. No, I don’t make plans anymore because they are useless anyway when it comes to me. But I would like to see the world in a different way in 5 years.
            My own dreams are pointless, so instead I would just be happy to be able to help people who had a hard time living, like me. And do some reforms with them in the world, should I survive.

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  9. Pingback: Is this what staying with reality looks like? – Journey to life

  11. I think what you are doing is the best thing you could be doing.

    Re: talking sense and destruction, there’s an idea in some types of therapy about our “wise minds” versus our “emotional minds” and “rational minds.” The wise mind is a balance between emotional and rational minds. So maybe your emotional mind is talking about destruction and your wise mind is saying to sit with it.

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    1. There is. And I’m doing both. Sitting with and being with some pain. And using and living with ED. But. Big but. I think the OD and ED is giving me enough space and okayness to feel and be okay.

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