This is more of an update for myself.

I want to figure out a way forward. I don’t know what that looks like or would look like.

I am still using. Living with ED. I don’t count SH for it’s not constant but random so in my mind I’m not. Also because if it doesn’t blister I didn’t do anything. But they aren’t taking over my world anymore. Last night felt like hell on earth. But today was really okay, which I’m grateful for. Also grateful that wasn’t sick today even though I definitely used way way too much. I slept. And today is a new day.

Whenever I half wake up in the night I jerk myself awake to use. It’s actually not really a choice.

I asked S if she could help. She gave me the name of someone who does energy work as she can’t at the moment. This person just sent me a form you’d have to fill in first, and I’m not happy to fill it in. So I’ll think about it.

I spoke to my GP today. He called me a couple weeks ago. I’d spoken to this therapist I saw from the NHS. Backtracking is that 1.5 years ago I asked for a referral for DBT. Actually this goes back 2.5 years ago come to think of it. So you have to commission it because it’s not offered in my borough. And there’s no private services. The commissioning team sent the referral to another psychology service that offer 12 sessions CBT and asked them to see if they could do that instead. So this is the NHS therapist I spoke to. The first 3 times i spoke to her were an assessment. I freaked out on her twice. Then was session 6 which she wanted to do a risk assessment. Pushed it off. Session 7. And I stupidly answered her honestly. Either way, she is the person who is best to request it. Who can say their service can’t help (either way ‘they’re not a crisis service and don’t deal with any form of risk’). I asked my GP to speak to her and ask her to request it. He said he’ll try. Whatever that means. He told me a couple weeks ago that he wanted to put a referral through to the other service. Which honestly is a waste of time. I didn’t mention it to him now or ask him about it because I don’t know that I want him to. It’s just a rigmarole that has landed me both times I did it nowhere.

I asked my GP what he thought about going privately for therapy. He didn’t think there was a point. I don’t know if I agree. I half do. There’s also the point that I can’t be honest with most people. If I’d tell anyone what I’m using (cocodamol) every day they’d either call an ambulance which is just a waste of time, or they wouldn’t believe me, also a waste of time. And a large majority of private practitioners aren’t ready to deal with any risk factors. I contacted 4 private therapists. 2 aren’t seeing anyone new. Another I spoke to yesterday and she said she doesn’t work with anyone where she’ll have to put in that kind of work to get the client on board. The 4th I saw briefly in the past. It didn’t happen due to a cultural misunderstanding. She is a great therapist who would be able to do it. If she gets back to me, and if it could work out. I somehow doubt it though. I intuitively know that it’s not a good idea, but I contacted her anyways to do my part. This was before I spoke to my GP. (I don’t consider his thoughts to be the bible. Just a thought). I’m not going to look further though.

What do I want? I don’t know what I want. I know that if I try reach out for help I’m also reacting in the opposite way. Yesterday I really reached out and last night the force of destruction was strong enough that it was scaring me.

Really I want to speak to S. I want her to do some clearing for me. Make the world safer. She can’t at the moment. I have to think about whether I want to speak to the person whose number she gave to me. This person does kinesiology which I like. (It’d be remote). Just, you’d have to fill in a form that I’m not comfortable to. And I don’t really have the money. And it’s not S. I texted R’R that I’m thinking about finding that way forwards (I’d let him know I was messing up. That’s one thing different in a sense now. I’ve really reached out to people. Which isn’t something I do easily. And I’m terrified of crossing boundaries). He replied that I should let him know if he can help in any way. I can’t think how he can at the moment. I may tell him by believing I’ll get there. Wherever there may look like.

This is long. And says nothing at all. For I still don’t know what moving forwards looks like. I don’t know how to. I don’t know what I need or want. I wish I could tell everyone to just leave me messages every so often, no such thing as too often, telling me they believe in me, they care, are there, I’ll get there and I’ll do it. Although I’m trying to believe it, it really helps me. Any message of hope/encouragement/belief does. (That’s why I’ve been emailing someone every so often. I know how much such things help me, so if I can give it, I will).

Every moment is a new moment. I’m grateful for how much calmer today was. Grateful to be okay today. Grateful that I tidied my room a bit – well, there’s now a path on the floor and you can see some of the carpet. I’m proud of how much I tidied! Even if to an outsider it’s a wreck still. Been posting pictures too (thanks to K actually). I really like photography. I need to find more movies I like for free. I half wonder if i should just pay for a subscription somewhere where I can watch anything I like. At the moment movies are the best thing possible for me in the evening (when I don’t spend nearly an hour on my phone writing things like this). I don’t really want to spend the money that’s not spare, bit maybe I will.

I can’t run anymore. But I should try and exercise. And I applied to an MBSR mindfulness course. I think if they ever do one face to face I rather that. Will see what happens.

Anyways, this is long enough.

53 thoughts on “Today’s thoughts/update

  1. Glad you’re asking for help. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and depression. Years ago. I’m great now. Never thought I had a problem. To me was just the environment and situations I was dealing with and still think that. I changed friends and houses my parents and I lived in. Things are clearer. Not everything is physical as my psychiatrist said. Stay with the people that are helping.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thanks space! I’m hoping I get to do a course. I can’t really apply it to my life at the moment but it’ll be good. I appreciate you taking the time to respond….
      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 2 people

  2. It might be long, but never too long for me.
    And moving forward is exactly what is happening right now.
    So you are doing it. And maybe it still feels weird, but you are working on yourself while you write and while you breath. Your brain works even when you aren’t doing something actively. This is why writing things down can impact the process of the brain so immense. It seems like nothing, it feels weird and you first just have some words written down which may not really express what you wanted to say or just feel uncomfortable. But through each word your write down, you help your brain to find new ways to rewire or find new solutions.

    But enough of the “talk”, I am just proud that you keep going.
    Sending you love! πŸ’œ

    (And I can recommend Netflix, there are some pretty amazing series and movies, just because you thought about some subscription.)

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Actually, Eliza, I appreciate all the detail, and am moved you’d share it with us. You could have kept this all bottled up inside, as the Eliza of a year ago may have done, but instead you’ve sought advice. You’ve put this out there for consideration, no doubt allowing you (and us) to go to work on it.

    You’re familiar, aren’t you, with the Chinese dictum reminding us the longest journey starts with a single step? Well, that’s what you’ve done here. Thus starts your journey. Definitely, ebbs and flows ahead, but a brighter tomorrow awaits. You just envisioned it, didn’t you?

    Liked by 5 people

  4. It sounds like a confusing public system, but I like that you continue to ask for help and follow up on leads. Ideally it would be good to have a support team. If one part of the team doesn’t deal with crisis, I would think some other part should. The mindfulness course is a good idea. I bet it would fit with whatever else do. It sounds like you are exploring and strengthening your support network. You can do this! The fact that you cleared a path on the floor and you can see some of the carpet is a good sign.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. The last made me laugh (if you watch my video you’ll see). My friend said the same. That clearing the floor reflects your mind or something. I asked her if that means my internal world is organised (my cupboards and draws are organised).
      I’d love to do this course and hopefully will get to. They never yet replied to me but will wait a week and otherwise call.
      A support network is what I want to create more than anything else. I’ll need that even more if (when?) I stop using. Regardless of if I do anything about traditional therapy or not.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m glad you’re asking for help. Everything will become easier.
    You’re doing great. I just know it.
    That aside, writing all of your thoughts and emotions and basically everything is a good idea. It makes it seem manageable. When it’s in your head, it just seems all blown up.
    Keep going, straighten your back, and soldier on.
    Sending love,
    GOTW

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It’s good that you want to find a way forward even if you don’t know what that would look like yet. I believe you can do it!

    I don’t think it’s stupid to answer a therapist honestly, even though I can see it would be uncomfortable.

    When lockdown ends, would you consider going to a support group for painkiller addicts? I know talking to a group is incredibly scary, but everyone there would be going through the same thing, so there wouldn’t be the problem of people not believing you or wanting to get an ambulance for you. I used to think I could never function in a group like that because of my social anxiety, but I’ve found it helpful for OCD (in the past) and depression. It can be really validating just to meet people who are going through the same thing and feeling less alone. A lot does depend on the group, though.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve been to NA before but never found it helpful. Maybe. It’s something to think about.
      And honesty means they’d call emergency services. To be honest they would have to else lose their job. Unless they didn’t write what I said. If I’m not using at the time it wouldn’t be an issue.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. If you read my next post. That’s something I want to do. Giving makes it about others and I want it for others. Not sure if it’s at all clear though.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Greg. I appreciate it.
      Not actually asking for advice. If I had it I’ll give it to myself πŸ’•. It’s the being here that gives me a lot….

      Liked by 1 person

  7. From this post, you appear to be confused and running around a lot (figuratively speaking). I know it’s easier said than done, but I would recommend you find a way to slow down. It sucks to hear that you’re finding it hard to get some actual help 😦
    Not that I know what to do, either…
    Stay golden!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, totally. It’s what I said to someone that it’s a waste of time to try for it literally gets you nowhere whereas if you don’t try you haven’t wasted all that energy going nowhere.
      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks! I emailed mind about their mindfulness course. Maybe I’ll ask them if they’re offering anything else. Their site didn’t seem to say so. But then everything is closed now…
      I really appreciate you being here K…
      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the link.
      I’m not worried so much about going privately even though I can’t afford it, it’s just finding someone. Anyone I’ve asked so far isn’t taking clients or can’t do it (the one therapist I spoke to now doesn’t work with people she’ll have to work so hard with. At least she told me that. A lot of private therapists also don’t like working with any sort of risk, which at the moment there is).
      I hope you have an okay weekend πŸ’•
      Love, light and glitter

      Like

      1. Hugs. You deserve quality care. What a shame that such care is so difficult to access. Hang in there, you matter and are cared about. You deserve affordable therapy that transforms your life, my friend. I hope your weekend goes alright too, as best as possible. πŸ’•β€οΈ

        Liked by 1 person

  8. It’s awesome that you’re asking for help!
    It can be difficult.
    Exercise is also superrr helpful to just clear out all your thoughts.
    You’ll get there, I know you will, don’t worry too much and keep writing so it doesn’t get all bottled up!
    Hope you feel better soon

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Weekend’s just been well a weekend (kind of like your post-today has been today).
        Slept a LOT, blogged a bit, studied a bit cause I gotta get back to school soon.
        Did finish an awesome book though.
        What about you?

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Third paragraph. First sentence.

    That’s why.

    And it won’t get better till you stop it. And it will get better. You’re not damaged goods. Far worse than you have found happiness in freedom. I did.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Now see, that’s what does people in before they even start! You’re so sure it won’t be fun. This is because you can’t see out of the hole you dug. It MAY not be easy at first but that’s a long way from not fun. Let me ask you, do you think I’d have stayed sober for TWENTY-SEVEN years if it wasn’t fun?! I have so much fun I don’t know why I ever drank!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Just different meanings to words πŸ™‚
          I think living without the destruction will be amazing. I lived without it for a few months. Freeing. Clarity. The ability to learn all I want to. To choose a life rather than just move to life. When I say it won’t be fun, I don’t mean that it’s ‘fun’ now as in enjoyable. But that moving from here to there will be hell on earth. For now though it’s okay and I only have the now. I know how much hell the fighting is. The thing I want to do my best to avoid is fight. Let go sure. Surrender sure. I’m not there now. So don’t need to worry about it. I know I’ll get there. I believe in another side. You actually really show that there is another place with your blog. I’m believing in that space. I don’t know yet how I’ll get there. I do know that the journey definitely will not be fun. Worth it? Sure. Eventually. I’ll believe in it until I can see it. Fun? Not at all.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. And my point was, you only believe moving from here to there will be hell on earth because you are missing two things. 1. You have no idea how good “there” is, and it is AWESOME. And 2. You don’t quite realize yet that hell is where you’re at now. The climb out of hell is hard, sure, just like I said, but just wait till you’re out and you look back and realize that you just climbed out of HELL! The feeling is wonderful, I’ll tell you that.

            Now, here’s the tough part: The reason you struggle is that you fight the recovery with everything you are. You try to dictate the lines it must follow, you set up parameters that must be met, and you set expectations that must be met in order for your happiness to be met and desirable. In other words, you set yourself up to use again because you fight it. That’s why we say “surrender to win”.

            And the ONLY reason I know this and can see it in you is because I did it too.

            Liked by 1 person

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