My head’s hurting and I want to try and sleep but I need to get some stuff down. Really 2 entirely different points. I feel guilty writing on here when others may read and I’ve read about 3 posts from others in the past 3 weeks. (I usually read every post of everyone who follows me – except religious or triggering).

Today I experienced again that when I don’t feel safe I can’t drink. In this instance it was that I was thirsty and wanted a drink but was on the phone and it wasn’t safe enough to let go enough to drink. It’s not just drinking. It’s any bodily need that requires letting go. I thought some things were due to other stuff but I’m actually wondering if it’s the same point. Just something I want written down. Not looking for others to relate as I doubt anyone will.

I was rereading E’s emails. All E’s emails, or most, are as she once wrote, love letters. They’re all filled with belief in me and care. She seems to think I’m beginning to trust her words. So I was reading her emails and came across a couple emails from AH – my ex therapist. He’s still my ex therapist for he’s the only person I’ve ever done any work with (SG too. But SG I don’t consider my therapist and never have). It made me really sad to read those emails. Because, they were some of the last emails he sent to me before we crashed and burned. I always blamed him for the mess up. For therapy ending. Not that I thought I didn’t have a part to play. Far from it. My feelings on the matter was that as a therapist it was his job to contain it, and that he was reacting to me and not handling me so ultimately therapy messing up was his fault because ultimately it was his job. Seeing these emails a couple years later, I’m no longer so sure about that. I can see how he was trying to contain it. I haven’t reread through all our conversations. I can see what I knew was his rejecting me at the time, and now looking at the words objectively I can see that he said he doesn’t know I’d speaking will be safe for me. He was trying to hold it together. I’m not going to reread it now. It just made me so so sad. I remember all the emails. I don’t think all the words he said were correct. He said he was happy to keep it to email/whatsapp for that point in time. He told me he was there if I ever wanted to be in touch. I wrecked it. I shut the door. I took every word as him telling me I was too much. I’m not actually blaming myself at all. I know that I did the best I could. It took me a year to get over the wreckage of therapy. And until today I blamed him – from an objective point. Now, I saw his emails. And I don’t blame him. I wonder what it would be like to reread everything. I always said he never apologised. But in those 3 emails I saw he apologised at least twice…. I don’t know that he was wrong. For being unable to handle my reactions. Because reading his words I could see how he was trying to contain it. How he was trying to give me the safety. I know he could have Don’s things differently. I don’t know if it would have helped. I know from other therapists I’ve spoken to. I know he went above and beyond and some of the things he did most therapists wouldn’t have done. It just made me sad. So so sad. Seeing those emails. Seeing that, actually he wasn’t the reason therapy ended. I was. He was there for me. He said he was enough times. I just couldn’t hear it. That doesn’t make anything else I was upset about at the time less true. For example I said he didn’t ever understand what I said. 2 points. One, it could be he didn’t more Two, he did and I just didn’t hear it. Couldn’t. In theory when you have 2 people who are both putting their 100% in, and they’ve built a relationship – done the impossible, you’d think they could do anything. You’d think they could contain it. But I couldn’t. And he couldn’t. And seeing those emails I could see how he tried his best to. And that just makes me so sad.

49 thoughts on “Journaling 101 22nd Sept 20

  1. He sounds like a huge loss to you Eliza, I’m sorry you went through that. I don’t know the story of what happened and I wouldn’t want to open old wounds but jogging your memory, but I wonder if there could ever be any kind of way for you to make contact to put things in a better place between you not that time has passed? I realise it might be impossible as well, for one of both of you, but I’m just trying to be a bit of a sounding board if that helps.
    Sounds like he’s a mixture of great memories and huge loss 🤗

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Lol, he is. That mixture. It’s funny because it’s so so long ago! Yet I remember everything. One day maybe. I never thought I’d revisit it. Never planned on. Just came across those couple emails with someone else’s… and I’m proud of myself for not looking up his name and through all his. Now that I see how much it was me (no self blame here, just a statement) maybe I would one day look him up. I’d have to be in a much better place and have support to handle what the fallout might be. When I thought it was mostly his responsibility for not holding it together I decided I wouldn’t want the closure. Now that I see how much was mine, then one day. (I viewed it that I had my issues but as the therapist it was ultimately his responsibility. The emails I read are so different to my memory. Meaning I can see how I interpreted it at the time, and why, and I can see what I needed different from him,and I can see how he tried to hold it together but being human and without me able to tell him what I needed I don’t know if there was even a way for him to. I’d know more if I look through it all. One day.)


      1. Definitely wise to have the support you need… just in case. Though I have a sneaky feeling you won’t have been forgotten and, though I know nothing about this person, I can imagine someone in his position might be delighted to hear from you, especially if it is to make peace. But I could be wrong and I’d hate for anything to blow up in your face just because of what a random on the internet said!


    1. I’m not blaming myself Cheryl. There’s the seeing it was me without blaming myself for it. I didn’t have another choice. It just, I never knew it was me. And that just is.


  2. Every important relationship teaches us things that, as you’ve shown, may be revealed over time. even after the relationship is over. Seeing what parts were our responsibility helps us learn and grow. I’m sorry you’re sad. I also hope you can remember what you learned and maybe even how your benefited from that experience and build on that.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. hey…
    that sounds like an awful lot of loss. i’m sorry. i hope you feel better.
    well, i’ve just been through similar loss. not going to make it about me-but, my point here is that i see the loss that i went through as a reason to learn. loss, you see, means that there’s space to grow.
    frankly, i believe that it was his job to hold it together. despite the apologies. despite it all. he is the therapist, no?
    it’s good, however, that you understand the situation better now. i hope you can forgive. i hope he can forgive.
    sending good vibes. praying that it all gets better.
    ❤ ❤ ❤
    love always,

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Make it about you always G, because then I’ll get to know how you are and I really want to know how you’re doing….

      Until seeing this email now I thought the same. Now I’m not sure there was a way for him to hold it together. I’m not about to reread all the messages we exchanged now though maybe one day.

      Sending sunshine and sparkles…

      Luv ya….. (I did read and really appreciate all your comments).

      Liked by 1 person

                1. Sending hugs and more hugs. You have my email address if you want.
                  This moment I have headspace. When I don’t I’m ignoring everyone…
                  You’re worth the best. And everything does pass…

                  Liked by 1 person

  4. hello
    it’s ok you haven’t been around reading others’ posts, we’ll always be here for you…
    I’m sorry you had to go through that, maybe just try and remember the very best of memories and forgive and forget the bad ones-I know it’s a lot harder than it sounds.
    you’re strong and just reading your blog, I know you’ve gotten past a lot even with all the pain that came along.
    I hope you’re doing well otherwise!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I’m good – past few weeks have been hectic but I’m looking forward to the break after tests.
        Enojoying the IPL – I say this a lot though most people don’t care but yeah it’s super fun.
        Apart from that, nothing much, I ‘ve been trying to blog a good deal (mainly on my other site) and not go on those long, unforseen breaks.
        what about you?

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I’m glad you’re enjoying what you enjoy!
          What’s IPL?
          I thought of you when I scheduled my 3 weeks time Sunday sunshine and sparkles.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. haha thanks!
            I shoulda mentioned – it stands for Indian Premier League… essentially a cricket league which is INSANE fun to watch.
            awww…how nice – though why did you think of me? xD
            have an epic weekend!

            Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh, Eliza, so much tied up in this experience. You invested such emotions in the relationship, even if you didn’t express them fully at the time, no wonder reliving it now stirs such sighs.

    One thing to remember, though, is that this all happened during a past stage in your life. You’re in a different place – a better place – than you were then. However you and the therapist might have approached things differently, they still advanced you to where you are today. You can see a tomorrow for which you yearn.

    You’re right to hold off on “looking up” the therapist. For the moment, at least. Right now the emotions such an encounter might unleash could undo so much of what you’ve accomplished. Well, maybe they would, or maybe not.

    In any event, so much of the journey still waits. Once you’ve gone a bit further, though, it could be time to fulfill your instinct, and to soothe some of what troubles you. Not today, of course, but in time you will.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hugs. I don’t have any good words again. And I hope if you ever want to try therapy again, that it would be accessible, affordable, and that you’ll land a “great for you” therapist (the fit is so important) who is trauma sensitive.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Although it sounds as though it was painful to re-read the emails, it sounds as though you reached some sort of closure. Sending you a hug, Eliza. I am not able to be consistent in my reading and following of blogs – part of my mental illness, I guess. If I retreat, it is always to do with me not anyone else. I hope you have a good weekend. K x

    Liked by 1 person

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