This article is really great…
Love, light and glitter
This article is really great…
Love, light and glitter
I just wrote this. Not sure what I’m trying to say with it ..
Sometimes I feel like everyone sees things so differently to me.
I just saw a post on Instagram about fat phobia and my only thought was, but why would someone think or feel that way? Like obviously everyone likes everyone and doesn’t judge and is accepting of everyone.
Sometimes I think I live in a world of rainbows and unicorns. I see the world that way. And no one else seems to. And it’s weird in a way. And jarring.
And of course I see the world…. I’m destroying myself at the moment (pretty literally). My siblings make sure to educate me constantly. My friends have all been through, are going through, so much.
Yet I still think of the world and people as all good and awesome and everyone else seems to think differently. It’s just, I don’t even have the words to put it down what it feels like. Like I perceive something and it seems like almost everyone perceives it differently. And no, I don’t want to change.
I’ve written about this before, I think.
A friend who is struggling wants a lift today. It would take 2 – 3 hours of my time. I have the time. This morning was tough and I didn’t have the headspace. I knew I didn’t have the headspace. As a side note I just curled up in bed, and was wondering the line between letting yourself be and wallowing. I’d freaked out on the phone, and wanted to just stay in bed. I knew I could get up if I wanted and do stuff but chose to stay in bed.
I didn’t have the headspace for her when I was in that headspace myself. I know I don’t really have the headspace just now either. Last night when I was with her it was okay, I was just completely drained. I told her that I don’t have the headspace. If I can later I will. I didn’t have the headspace so I said no.
I guess anyone who has followed this blog will know just how major it is for me to put myself first. To say no. Although I’m questioning if I’m really right to put myself first, I’ve put myself first and don’t feel guilty for it. I don’t feel responsible to help her do what she needs to. If I can, I can, if I can’t, I can’t. It’s not that I can’t, for in reality I can, but I’ve put myself first. And it’s not someone for whom I have to out myself second for.
I forgot I was writing this. But I think I put it down as it is. I don’t know if I’ll take her today. I doubt it. And however much I doubt myself for choosing not to, I know I can put myself first. I know I’m allowed to, and am doing so.
Love, light, and glitter
This is an awesome post that skinnyhobbit shared on building friendships. Identifying different types of relationships and taking them further. Although it’s written for teachers to help children it’s perfect for everyone.
Just a thought. Trying to clarify this in my mind.
There’s a lot of darkness. There’s a lot of negativity. Some of the choices I’m making really are not the best. However, and this is a big point, I get to choose what I identify with. How I identify myself. What choices define me and what don’t.
A few years ago R’ R said to me along the lines of that it’s up to me to choose which part I identified with. It was re religion but the point is the same. I’ve always remembered it and it’s made a big difference to my life.
What do I choose to identify with?
So, I’m not eating enough at all. It’s a big part of my life today. Just a fact. True. In a big sense it’s an act of self care. There’s self sabotage involved too, but, primarily, I’m looking after myself in the best way I can. Since I cut down a couple weeks ago my mind is much quieter. Until then I’d been thinking a lot about various things I had to emotionally let go off. Re Judaism and the past. Let go so that I can choose what I want my life to be. I still have to let go, but it’s not on my mind. My friends are all really struggling with different things. It’s not so hard for me to handle.
So I’m not eating enough. The only scary part is how it makes self harm (which would automatically mean taking cocodamol) much more of an option.
On the other hand is the rest of my life.
I’ve started running and I’ve kept up with it. Much to my surprise. I think a lot about the idea of motivation. That motivation isn’t the feeling, but actually doing. Motivation is the actions and the feelings come along. I’m not motivated in some sense but I’ve kept at it and I’m so proud of myself for how far I’ve gotten, and mainly for keeping at it even when I feel like I’m literally dragging myself out.
I’ve been making my bed each morning. It might be considered minor to some people but to me it’s really major.
I’ve been aiming to write gratitudes every day. So it’s not every day. And it’s not the 50 new ones a day R and I originally set out to do. I’m still passed 900!!!
I’ve been spending time with my family and loving spending time with them. I’ve gotten to spend time with some truly special people who may be leaving soon and I’ll miss them so much.
I’ve finally realised how much I love taking pictures. I love photography. Specifically nature photography. I don’t think I care so much for pictures per se. I’ve hundreds of photos of leaves, grass, trees, sky, colours, water, birds etc. on my phone. I think I like taking pictures of birds and ducks and some animals.
I’ve been colouring and listening to Louise Hay a lot. I like her thoughts. That our thoughts define us. One thing I noticed myself doing a while ago and I’m trying to keep with it is not to say I hate myself or the like. Rather to name what bothers me and change it from defining me. It doesn’t define me. Nothing I think or do has to define me. I define myself.
I’ve been speaking to a family member who is manipulative, especially with me, a few times. It wasn’t all okay. It was better than it has been. I kept my boundaries more.
I’ve kept my boundaries with someone in my life who is struggling a lot. I didn’t take on responsibility that isn’t mine. I didn’t help, which is one of the hardest and most guilt inducing things I’ve ever done. I’ve been there for her. I’ve gone out with her. I’ve helped her in other ways. But never in a way I was worried about. Never in a way that could possibly be taking on responsibility that isn’t mine. It’s been tough. It’s been really hard to hold her pain, be there for her, care, and not let it impact me. It definitely has impacted me. But for the most part I’ve been okay with it. For the most part when I think I’m guilty for what I haven’t and am not doing (No advice. Ever.) I correct myself. It’s hard to believe I come first. I don’t believe it. I know I don’t come first. Yet I’m putting myself first.
My friends are all struggling with different things. I’ve been there and stepped back. I’ve engaged and disengaged.
I’ve written letters to friends and people so they should know that they are thought of.
What do I identify with???
I get to choose.
Until I wrote this I didn’t realise just how much is so amazing. I’ve also refused to pass opinions with some unhealthy family relationship dynamics. I used to try and speak to the people involved. Help them see what they can do differently. Used to sounds like the past. I mean just a month or two ago. But for the most part I’ve stopped. I’m trying really hard not to suggest anything. Anything at all. Yes, my advice has helped them. But it’s not my place nor my responsibility. And when any of the people speak to me – which for some is, now that I’m thinking about it, completely inappropriate (they should never ask my advice for some of these situations, asking me is crossing boundaries and inappropriate) I try to just listen. Even when they ask for my thoughts and advice. Just to not pass any. It’s not my place and the dynamics are unhealthy enough. I can’t change them. My advice wouldn’t change the dynamics. What I’ve learned most from this during the past few months of extended family time is that everyone is right. And there are shades of grey. I used to think there was a good person and a bad person. I’m seeing it’s a dance of good behaviours and bad behaviours. And they are all a mixture of healthy and unhealthy. The people I thought unhealthy are surprisingly healthy, just dealing with their pain in the best way they can. The one I thought healthiest is actually not. Hurts to see that about someone I idealise.
So there’s all the good going on. Way more than I realise or give myself credit for. Yes there’s the negative too. I’m not taking care of myself in some ways that I’m way too embarrassed to even write down. I’m not eating enough (which is an act of self care too). I’ve thought way too much about burning myself.
Life is always a mixture.
Last week I was wondering whether I wanted therapy. Because I was offered it. I know now that I don’t. Therapy, at least in the typical way, will make my life worse. A large part of why I’ve been thinking about burning was speaking to this woman. There’s something I really believe in. Embracing what the universe sends to me. The universe sent me an assessment (still continuing) to a referral I requested 1.5 years ago. This woman seems to think I should go for what I asked. Which will probably be a years wait. If she requests it, she does. She’ll probably decide next week. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t. Will I want it? I don’t know. That is something I can see and decide then.
There really and truly is so much good in my world.
What am I choosing to identify with?
I can identify with the freaking out. Or with the 1.5 hour drive that I discovered some cool roads on that I drove until I was okay. I can identify with the thoughts of ‘I may as well just burn coz it’s so easy and I want to.’ I can identify with the choice not to. I can identify with purging and not eating. Or I can identify with choosing to try eat enough not to get dizzy.
I can identify with the boundaries I don’t keep and the guilt I feel whenever I keep a boundary. Or I can identify with the knowledge and ability to keep boundaries. With the awareness I’m allowed to. With the knowledge that people who guilt trip me are wrong, and the pride and the achievement of keeping and doing what is best for me no matter how hard it is for me.
I can identify with all I don’t know. I don’t know what I want for my life or how to get there. I don’t understand or recognise feelings or emotions with myself. I can identify with what I do know. I know my field of interest. I recognise some body sensations. I can identify with how often I disconnect from myself. Constantly :). I can identify with being present in a world, something I’m always grateful for because I love it.
I can identify with what I don’t know what I think or want regard
I can identify with how hard it is to do things I care about and want to do but just don’t do them because I don’t know why but it just doesn’t happen and I really wish it would (see, no I hate that I’m not. No I’m guilty. No I’m stupid or bad. Just, I really wish I’d be doing what means a lot to me). Or I can identify with what I AM keeping to. What I AM doing and succeeding in doing.
I can identify with the good or the bad. With the present or the lack. With the positive choices or the negative. With the pride or the guilt.
What do I identify myself with?
I get to choose. I choose the good things.
What do you identify with?
This was not what I expected. I didn’t expect to ramble so much. If you read through this all, thank you…
Love, light, and glitter
I’m grateful to R’ R for the comment he said at least 5 years ago which I’m site he doesn’t recall, which has really impacted my life (effect vs affect = impact).
On a forum someone was discussing communication. Whether you listen or offer advice. Whether you explode or stay calm. How about when someone is upset with you? What is your communication style? Communication.
Not completely related there is an article on building friendships that skinnyhobit shared that is really amazing. If you struggle with friendships at all, or want to teach relationships you can read it here – building relationships using peer-a-mids. I’ve been wanting to share it for a while because it is that good.
Communication. I think I’m pretty good at listening to others. I don’t know how to reflect back to others what they say – that supposedly you’re meant to in order for them to feel heard (empathetic listening), because I listen, and I’m there. I find such words unnecessary. The only time I use it is if I want to make sure I understand what is being said.
I can listen if it’s about me, depending on how it’s presented. If someone attacks me I’ll be on defense and probably won’t hear what they have to say. If they’re talking reasonably I think I can stay reasonable back. And I can hear what is said. I’m also able to sometimes express what I feel differently or am upset by calmly. Sometimes. In the past I wouldn’t have said anything.
I don’t like falsity. I can’t usually tell if someone is kidding. I just assume that whatever they say is the truth. (Like I was at a wedding and my family were saying how at weddings everyone says you look really good and it doesn’t mean they really think that. I was so disappointed. Until that moment I thought that everyone thought I looked good…. I mean, I got a lot of compliments so it must have been the reality… they dispelled that notion. I would never go up to someone and say they look good if I didn’t honestly think so….)
There’s communication and communication. I struggle a bit, or a lot, with communication because of all that’s in my head. So I say a few words and to me it’s so obvious what it means. I think the few words that I have said have expressed the idea. I think the few words make all that I am thinking evident.
People trying to understand me have to be really clear about what they don’t understand because else they ask the same questions again and again and I’m repeating the same thing again and again both getting frustrated. If someone asks me why do you think the world is round, and I answer, if they ask the same question they will get the same answer. If they don’t say what they really mean I can’t respond to it.
I tend to also say things in my head and think I’ve actually said it in real life, which can lead to some entertainment or not such funny scenarios too. Mostly just funny. I can continue conversations based on what I’ve said, or add addendum. Until they or I realise that I didn’t actually say the first part. Just thought it.
What is your communication style? Do you think you’ve said things that are really still unsaid? If you relate or feel differently at all I’d love to hear your experiences and thoughts.
Love, light, and glitter
So, I spoke this woman. She seemed nice. For a referral from a year or so ago. I don’t know if I want therapy. I don’t know what I want. I know that I should be open to the messages the universe sends to me. It, and the next couple appointments are just assessing to see whether this service can offer me what I want. If they can’t it’ll be another waiting list, which I don’t know if I can be bothered for.
What do I want?
My pretty immediate goals – not specifically for therapy, but for myself in life – are: to know what I feel when I feel it and have the ability to handle it – the mind/body connection. I’m present in the world. I never used to be. It’s something I’m so grateful for. To be present. I’m constantly grateful that I’m no longer doubting my own existence or wondering if I’m living in a dream. I doubt myself. I doubt my thoughts. I doubt what I say. Because I don’t feel it, it’s fleeting. It can change. If I start shaking I can just stop. If I’m freaking out I can cut off. Or, I do. I cut off and tune out and it’s never a choice. But it’s not tuning out of the world. It’s tuning out from myself. So that’s one thing I want from therapy. The mind/body connection.
I doubt my boundaries. I think I have boundaries but I doubt it constantly. I wish there were some way of just knowing. And I want to be able to keep my own boundaries with someone specific in my life. I find it really hard to let go of responsibility that isn’t mine. I’m doing it. I’m letting go. It takes a lot of processing until I get to that place of knowing that ‘This is not my responsibility. This is not mine to carry. It hurts to see. It hurts to do nothing. There is nothing I can do but be there.’ Which I am. I’m there. It’s easier to be there for others than yourself.
I’d love to know what I want from life and where I’m heading. I feel like I should at this age know what I want, and should know where I’m heading, like I should have some even if very vague plan. I don’t follow through. Don’t have stickivitus. Motivation is doing something even if you don’t want to. I just need to do anyways. Very easy to say, much harder to actually do. Hey, I’m doing that with running, even when it’s really tough. Which means I should get up.
Something to think about for next week is whether I want therapy, and if I do what kinda therapy I want.
The world is a good place.
I feel guilty. A friend needed help I couldn’t give. So I didn’t give it to her. I could have gone beyond myself. I didn’t. She called an acquaintance of hers who stepped in and arranged do much for her. I couldn’t have done what this acquaintance did. I couldn’t have done at least a part. And I didn’t do anything. I knew what was going on and I didn’t help. I feel guilty. Mostly I wasn’t wrong. Yet in some way I was wrong. I should have done something and did nothing.
I feel guilty.
My hoodie doesn’t fit me. The one I love that I had to buy for the make. Not the kind of brand name most people would think of. A sports brand that I think is cheaper end (not writing the name because all who know me know how obsessed I am with this particular brand that is now defunct). I just always loved the style. The ‘brave new world’ on the inside. I dunno. I just like it. So I have one that was too small coz I gained weight. I finally found another – also coz I’d only buy it on sale for I’m not paying 50 quid for a hoodie! I bought it. Haven’t really worn it. Now I’ve gained weight and it’s way too tight…. and the brand is defunct so unless I buy on Amazon a still bigger size for what I consider a fortune I won’t have one. Which means I need to lose weight if I want it to fit me. And my bras. And half my clothes. I wasn’t caring. But argh. I dunno. The only way I know to lose weight is to stop eating… not going to at the moment. But. But. But. It’s a thought. And I’ve been doing stuff occasionally for the past few weeks which I haven’t let become an ED. Haven’t engaged with the mindset. I thought it wasn’t here. At the moment way too close for comfort. I don’t know how to step back. And, I’m not sure if I want to.
Been writing gratitudes on the way to 26000. Up to 400 or so now. Aiming for 50 or more a day. Then for 2 years time maybe I’ll get to 27000. Seems daunting. But if I look just at one more (which it takes lots of thinking for, each one has to be different!) then it’s not that daunting and is more doable.
My room is pretty tidy! It’s nice to have a clear room…. and I’ve even swept it a couple times… trying to take care of myself, too.
I’m not going to work for the moment, maybe I will from home, not sure at the moment.
I have been there for above friend in other ways. To listen to her. Just didn’t step in when she really needed help and there was no one to do anything. ‘Just’.
Trying to study. I was thinking about life. Where I want to be. To ever get a job and earn enough money to rent an apartment I need at least some qualifications. I’m paying school off for a course I’m taking – they laid out the money for me. I may as well do the assignments. I would love to get a BA and then an MA in educational psychology. The only way I’ll ever get a BA is if I actually finish the course I’m signed up for. Do the next part which will take another half a year. Looking at a year plus of study. If I actually do it. I’m trying to. Something I’ve been hearing and repeating a lot is that motivation isn’t ways there. It’s just doing it anyways.
So long as there’s life, there’s hope.
Hmm. This is a tough one. I’m really not sure. There’s no one I can really think of. There’s actually someone who modelled some of what I really should learn from, but she’s the worst person to choose for a role model. There isn’t really anyone in real life that I know that is really happy and/or living a similar kinda life to me.
I’m going to choose recovery related. TC for showing me what recovery looked like. She’s someone who is genuine, and mostly happy. Who is working towards her dreams… and building them (I hope! For I’m waiting to see the end result). Bike rider Jim an example of what happiness in recovery is. S.S who lives the kinda recovery life I plan on – using what she did in a healthy way today.
I’ll try to remember 🙂
Love, light, and glitter
I’m grateful for a whole lot of people. I’m grateful to know that some people I work with are interested in me. I’m grateful for building – slowly- a friendship with someone, the kind that won’t be deep or intense and just fun. I’m grateful for the connection I’ve started building with a source. I’m grateful that I can connect to people. That what used to be unsafe and impossible can exist.
Hmm, what counts? I have a keyring for someone, and actually, I baked and gave someone cookies today. Forgot about that. It’d be nice if I made something to give to someone. Maybe more cookies…
Love, light, and glitter