Bridges we build

Bridges.

Bridges. Bridges. Bridges

The first bridge that comes to mind is the golden gate bridge in San Francisco

Image of the golden gate bridge

I was planning on writing a bridges post in response to Kate’s Friday Fun Challenge. I was specifically thinking about the bridges we build in relationships, how we mend them and repair them. How the bridges make the relationship that bit stronger.

Bridges take us from one place to another. From one world to another. They help us enter arenas we never dreamed possible.

Then I remembered this Ted talk that I once listened to and found inspiring, by Kevin Briggs. He worked by the Golden Gate bridge and was often there to give someone a reason not to jump. The bridge between suicide and life. It feels like the perfect thing to share.

Bridges. So long as we can build bridges, anything is possible.

Love, light and glitter

Eliza

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Why can’t people mind-read?

Why can’t people mind-read? I expect them to. I expect them to know what I think and when they don’t give me what I wanted – which I didn’t specifically ask for but meant and intended – I’m really hurt and know that they don’t care about me at all.

Just been journaling and wrote the above. Decided to come and write about it here.

I was journaling about E. Someone I was hurt with who wasn’t there for me when I reached out to her, after telling me just a week before that I could reach out to her and she would be really happy to be there. I’d sent her a link to what I wrote – Thinking about using – with the words Just want to share. I thought she would respond and she didn’t. That meant to me that she wasn’t there. Thinking about it now, the words I said, that I want to share, kinda leaves no necessary response. I wasn’t asking her to respond. I was asking her to listen. If she read what I wrote, she did listen. She didn’t give me what I didn’t ask for.

Was thinking too about what went on earlier today. I sent RR what I wrote – the dialogue about how/why bad exists – he responded pretty quickly that it’s amazing and thank you so much for sharing. I was hurt. I was hurt and angry with his response. For it wasn’t what I wanted from him. I wanted him to engage with the material I sent to him. I’d have loved his thoughts on a couple of the points I wrote about. He didn’t give that to me. So I was hurt. (Which makes me feel bad that I was upset instead of grateful. Grateful that he’d taken the time to read what I wrote. And bother responding when he has absolutely no need or desire to do so. And, I am. I do appreciate it). I guess I felt like he’d disregarded what I’d asked for. He didn’t give me what I didn’t ask for.

Why can’t people mind-read? This is just todays examples. I don’t necessarily have examples of this every day. I’m assuming if I think about it I can come up with a whole lot of examples from different times. Actually, I can think of a lot of times. I was hurt with people. They didn’t give me what I didn’t ask for. I meant it. I implied it. I thought it. I knew it. It was and is so evident to me that in my mind it should be so evident to the other person. And of course I don’t see at the time that I haven’t actually stated what I want. For in my mind, I’ve said it. It’s so real and so true that obviously the other person knows. Why can’t people mind-read again?

I was journaling about E because she had offered 2 things to me at the same time and I was realising I can’t ask her to do what she said she would. If she didn’t do the first I can’t trust she meant the second. So I was thinking about her today. Except that, thankfully now I see that she didn’t necessarily back out from the first. So she hasn’t backed out from her second offer either. And I can still ask her if she wants to join me in that.

The most important example I can think of is with AH, my ex therapist. What ultimately ended it – asides from both of us messing up big time – was his inability to mind-read and understand all I was trying to say. I know now that it was his responsibility, as the therapist, to make sure that didn’t get in the way, but that definitely played a big part. He couldn’t give to me what I didn’t ask for.

The point is, why is it that people can’t mind-read? I expect them to. And they can’t. And I’m hurt when they haven’t given me what I’ve asked for. Except that I haven’t actually asked for it! I intended it. I meant it. I implied it. I wanted it. I thought it. I knew it. I even thought I spelled it out in A, B, C. Yet I didn’t. Yet, I don’t. And I end up being hurt by it. I’m the one hurt by it, not them. They don’t care if they aren’t a part of my life. They couldn’t care less if they’d never hear from me again. They couldn’t care about me either way. I care.

Why did you say people can’t mind-read?

Love, light and glitter

Navigating relationships in my world

Navigating relationships. Well, I’ve titled the thread before writing anything at all. I know what I want to write about. I wonder if there’s a point writing about it. If it will help me. Or anyone. Or if it will make any difference. If it can.

Yesterday I went out with someone. I’d been on edge and had decided to just hold on. She called me to go out, she’d asked me earlier and I assumed she needed to speak. AG is one person I’d go out of my way for. I’ve written about it elsewhere on my blog. She asked me to go for a walk. I was on edge. I told her I could give her a half hour. She spent 40 minutes trying to get the courage to tell me that she didn’t think it was healthy for me to work through what I believe. It threw me a lot. That’s not the point. I know that it’s healthy and I’m sad for her that she thinks it’s unhealthy. I thanked her for being brave and courageous enough to share what she was thinking. The point I’m coming to is that as I was journaling today I said that I feel like she’s ruined the relationship we had. I honestly do feel as though she has ruined the relationship. Which, also seems extreme to me.

It’s reminding me of RR. Those who have been following this blog may remember RR. He used to be there for me. Then I was brave enough to ask him why he went behind me back and had lied to me. He explained it to me. I forgive him and understand why he did what he did. I don’t think it was the only option he had, I understand why he thought it was. I haven’t been in touch with him since. I haven’t been in touch with him for I don’t know how to reach out. And primarily because he wasn’t there for me. Because he let me down enough times that in my mind he wasn’t a part of my life anymore. It’s why I didn’t mind asking him about his betrayal of my trust, for I knew he couldn’t ruin what didn’t exist. For there was no relationship. Which also makes very little sense. For we had a relationship. We probably still have a relationship – one that has just taken a hiatus. He did let me down. He told me he’d do stuff that he didn’t do. He didn’t respond and wasn’t there. Which means he isn’t there, wasn’t there. Which is again, extreme and black and white. For he always was there. For all the times he didn’t respond there are the times he reached out to me. Yet he wasn’t there. And I don’t know what is my issue and what is real.

I’m thinking of all the relationships, primarily online, actually, no, in real life too, in which people were a part of my life, and then they weren’t there any longer. Some of these people, I know that they left. A lot of them, most, I always knew they left. Now I wonder. They weren’t there. So the relationship didn’t exist in my mind and it meant I never reached out (if they’d reached out it’d still be there). I’m tired of thinking.

The reason RR has been so much on my mind recently is that I want guidance regarding a couple of things and he is the perfect person to ask. He is the only person I know who knows me, who has taken on the role in life of guiding others with such, who knows my life, my family and where I’m coming from. So I’ve been thinking of him. Every post I write working through what I believe I wish I could share with him. He’d be so proud. I can’t share it with him. Not because of him. Because of me. Because I can’t reach out. It’s not actually that I won’t, I plan on discussing it with my friend (I’m referencing a friend 15 years my senior here) and getting her advice on this specific situation. It’s not the specifics I’m thinking of. Well I am too.

I’m realising the way I’m reacting. Knowing that I’ve never seen it before. Having no idea what is my issue and what isn’t. Having no idea when it’s another person at ‘fault’ or me, because ultimately I can’t trust myself when it comes to relationships. The funny thing, or contradictory thing, is that at the very same time as all this is true. I’ve lost so many relationships and miss everyone and feel so lonely and feel like everyone has left me whilst I care about them they just don’t care. The other side is that at the same time as that’s happening, I’ve been building some really solid, healthy, balanced relationships with a couple of people. I’ve been rebuilding a relationship with someone that was wrecked – something I never thought I’d ever be able to do, repair bridges and make something so healthy out of something broken. I’m building healthy relationships with my family, and appreciating them. I’ve been learning what boundaries are and learning to keep my own boundaries and express to others in my life who constantly cross them that they’re crossing them (not that it helps, but I’m doing my part).

I’m doing both. Which is kinda weird. I’m seeing, learning, that I’ve had a part in getting rid of so many relationships I care so much about. I was going to say ruined, but a lot of the relationships aren’t ruined, there was no wreckage involved, they’re just non-existent. I’m seeing that a lot of them is probably down to me. I’m seeing that it’s all or none for me. I’m sad to see that. I’m sad because of how much I miss all these people. And I’m building healthy, balanced, solid relationships with people. Seems strange to be able to do both things at the same time.

I started off writing this post really sad. Sad to see this. Sad especially because I don’t know what to do now about a couple of relationships. Now, I’m no longer sure what I feel. I don’t know what to do with the knowledge either. Especially as I really don’t know what’s down to me and what’s down to others. I’m thinking of a couple of people I was always hurt by that I wasn’t a part of them. I eventually learned that it was because I wasn’t present, and as I became present (in the world) and as I learned to join them, I became more a part. I always still sensed a distance but blamed myself, until another random observer told me that she saw the distance and objectively it’s not from me, but from them being a unit to my exclusion (I still join them). I never know what’s down to me and what’s down to others. It’s all a tangle. Of wires and confusion. That I’m not actually going to be trying to unravel at the moment. I’m going to try deal with the present (like figuring out whether to reach out to RR and how to go about it). Anything else is relegated to the back burner. For asides for when I journal, which helps me figure it out, I’m not going to think about it. Still sad.

Love, light and glitter