Relationships, boundaries and responsibility 2

I began writing about saying no. And I wanted to continue it.

I said no. I actually said no.

It’s both strange, and awesome. Amazing that I put myself first.

I was asked to do something really small. It wasn’t really what I was asked to do that was hard. It was that she constantly calls me. That she can call me 5 times in a day. Every time she needs my help. It’s too much. It was the way she’d tell me not to worry when I couldn’t help. It was too much for me. So this time when she asked I said no. When the other day she asked if I can check something up on the internet I told her that I wouldn’t be able to do anything on the internet for her.

I called my friend E to tell her that I said no. E said that she thinks I always felt responsible for others happiness. I think it’s more than that. I’ve felt responsible for their lives. When S said she was going to kill herself, that meant it’s my responsibility for her to live.

I’ve always been responsible. Not for peoples happiness. For their okayness. So when said friend needed something, I had to do it. Because it’s my responsibility.

Which of course. It isn’t.

A person can only carry a certain amount of responsibility. When I took responsibility for everyone I never took any responsibility for myself. Over the past couple years I’ve been letting go of the responsibility I was holding for others and taking responsibility for myself. Then finding the balance of still asking for help because when I took responsibility for myself I had to go to the other extreme first. Hey. I think I’m actually doing that. Not that I can easily ask for help. I can’t. I can accept help and take responsibility for myself.

So the instagram post I shared above is really why I started writing this. I just haven’t actually done so. I guess I’ll continue in another post as this is too disjointed.

Journaling 101 22nd Sept 20

My head’s hurting and I want to try and sleep but I need to get some stuff down. Really 2 entirely different points. I feel guilty writing on here when others may read and I’ve read about 3 posts from others in the past 3 weeks. (I usually read every post of everyone who follows me – except religious or triggering).

Today I experienced again that when I don’t feel safe I can’t drink. In this instance it was that I was thirsty and wanted a drink but was on the phone and it wasn’t safe enough to let go enough to drink. It’s not just drinking. It’s any bodily need that requires letting go. I thought some things were due to other stuff but I’m actually wondering if it’s the same point. Just something I want written down. Not looking for others to relate as I doubt anyone will.

I was rereading E’s emails. All E’s emails, or most, are as she once wrote, love letters. They’re all filled with belief in me and care. She seems to think I’m beginning to trust her words. So I was reading her emails and came across a couple emails from AH – my ex therapist. He’s still my ex therapist for he’s the only person I’ve ever done any work with (SG too. But SG I don’t consider my therapist and never have). It made me really sad to read those emails. Because, they were some of the last emails he sent to me before we crashed and burned. I always blamed him for the mess up. For therapy ending. Not that I thought I didn’t have a part to play. Far from it. My feelings on the matter was that as a therapist it was his job to contain it, and that he was reacting to me and not handling me so ultimately therapy messing up was his fault because ultimately it was his job. Seeing these emails a couple years later, I’m no longer so sure about that. I can see how he was trying to contain it. I haven’t reread through all our conversations. I can see what I knew was his rejecting me at the time, and now looking at the words objectively I can see that he said he doesn’t know I’d speaking will be safe for me. He was trying to hold it together. I’m not going to reread it now. It just made me so so sad. I remember all the emails. I don’t think all the words he said were correct. He said he was happy to keep it to email/whatsapp for that point in time. He told me he was there if I ever wanted to be in touch. I wrecked it. I shut the door. I took every word as him telling me I was too much. I’m not actually blaming myself at all. I know that I did the best I could. It took me a year to get over the wreckage of therapy. And until today I blamed him – from an objective point. Now, I saw his emails. And I don’t blame him. I wonder what it would be like to reread everything. I always said he never apologised. But in those 3 emails I saw he apologised at least twice…. I don’t know that he was wrong. For being unable to handle my reactions. Because reading his words I could see how he was trying to contain it. How he was trying to give me the safety. I know he could have Don’s things differently. I don’t know if it would have helped. I know from other therapists I’ve spoken to. I know he went above and beyond and some of the things he did most therapists wouldn’t have done. It just made me sad. So so sad. Seeing those emails. Seeing that, actually he wasn’t the reason therapy ended. I was. He was there for me. He said he was enough times. I just couldn’t hear it. That doesn’t make anything else I was upset about at the time less true. For example I said he didn’t ever understand what I said. 2 points. One, it could be he didn’t more Two, he did and I just didn’t hear it. Couldn’t. In theory when you have 2 people who are both putting their 100% in, and they’ve built a relationship – done the impossible, you’d think they could do anything. You’d think they could contain it. But I couldn’t. And he couldn’t. And seeing those emails I could see how he tried his best to. And that just makes me so sad.

Is honesty a negative thing?

On being genuine. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not.

I can’t live with or handle anything at all incongruent. Or, I find it hard to reconcile. I had a workmate who became a close friend. Then we lost touch because she was so busy. She’d call me if she needed anything. I eventually learned that I can’t count on her as a friend. Then I learned and saw that she feels really close to me still. I find it really hard to understand that.

I say what I think. When I try to sugarcoat it I trap myself. I just say what I think. And I don’t think it’s problematic because I’m just sharing my truth. I’m sharing the reality. Not just as I see it but as it is. So if I’m talking to my family I’ll tell them the what and why – unless I think it’s detrimental, then I won’t.

I’m just honest. That doesn’t mean I never lie to protect myself. And when I have lied or do anything that goes against any of my values it’s really jarring for me. I find it really hard to reconcile it. Lotsa black and white thinking here too. All or nothing. If it’s one it’s not the other.

I’m writing this, thinking about it, because of something I can’t write about as I’ll risk hurting someone I care about. I just see how I’ve gone to an extreme. How I can’t handle what to me is incongruent. How I was honest and I don’t know whether genuinity is a good thing.

I don’t know whether being me is a good thing. I feel like how I do with being so straight is hurt myself and others. I can’t live untrue to my values and beliefs. I’m going to destroy some people by bring true to myself. I mean that in a very real way. Obviously it’s going to be too bad. But if I could live without the genuineness there wouldn’t be all that collateral damage. The knowing that one day I’m going to be destroying some people, that now I’m living a lie for my own gain and in order not to hurt them. Someonce once told me it’s not. That was before I knew the choices I have made, life I am living, choices I will make. It is a lie. For I’m letting them believe and know things that aren’t true because I can’t yet deal with the fallout. I’m not yet ready to destroy them.

I don’t know whether the honesty is a good thing. I don’t know whether being genuine is a good thing. I don’t know whether the hurting others is worth it. Hurting others now because I can’t live with incongruence. I can’t lie and pretend (I was honest now because if I don’t share my truth it’s constantly hurting me, and whatever the fallout now, it’ll be less painful). I don’t know if it’s a good thing. It’s something I love about myself. Yet it doesn’t seem worth it.

How do you perceive the world?

I just wrote this. Not sure what I’m trying to say with it ..

Sometimes I feel like everyone sees things so differently to me.

I just saw a post on Instagram about fat phobia and my only thought was, but why would someone think or feel that way? Like obviously everyone likes everyone and doesn’t judge and is accepting of everyone. 

Sometimes I think I live in a world of rainbows and unicorns. I see the world that way. And no one else seems to. And it’s weird in a way. And jarring.

And of course I see the world…. I’m destroying myself at the moment (pretty literally). My siblings make sure to educate me constantly. My friends have all been through, are going through, so much.

Yet I still think of the world and people as all good and awesome and everyone else seems to think differently. It’s just, I don’t even have the words to put it down what it feels like. Like I perceive something and it seems like almost everyone perceives it differently. And no, I don’t want to change.

How do you communicate?

On a forum someone was discussing communication. Whether you listen or offer advice. Whether you explode or stay calm. How about when someone is upset with you? What is your communication style? Communication.

Not completely related there is an article on building friendships that skinnyhobit shared that is really amazing. If you struggle with friendships at all, or want to teach relationships you can read it here – building relationships using peer-a-mids. I’ve been wanting to share it for a while because it is that good.

Communication. I think I’m pretty good at listening to others. I don’t know how to reflect back to others what they say – that supposedly you’re meant to in order for them to feel heard (empathetic listening), because I listen, and I’m there. I find such words unnecessary. The only time I use it is if I want to make sure I understand what is being said.

I can listen if it’s about me, depending on how it’s presented. If someone attacks me I’ll be on defense and probably won’t hear what they have to say. If they’re talking reasonably I think I can stay reasonable back. And I can hear what is said. I’m also able to sometimes express what I feel differently or am upset by calmly. Sometimes. In the past I wouldn’t have said anything.

I don’t like falsity. I can’t usually tell if someone is kidding. I just assume that whatever they say is the truth. (Like I was at a wedding and my family were saying how at weddings everyone says you look really good and it doesn’t mean they really think that. I was so disappointed. Until that moment I thought that everyone thought I looked good…. I mean, I got a lot of compliments so it must have been the reality… they dispelled that notion. I would never go up to someone and say they look good if I didn’t honestly think so….)

There’s communication and communication. I struggle a bit, or a lot, with communication because of all that’s in my head. So I say a few words and to me it’s so obvious what it means. I think the few words that I have said have expressed the idea. I think the few words make all that I am thinking evident.

People trying to understand me have to be really clear about what they don’t understand because else they ask the same questions again and again and I’m repeating the same thing again and again both getting frustrated. If someone asks me why do you think the world is round, and I answer, if they ask the same question they will get the same answer. If they don’t say what they really mean I can’t respond to it.

I tend to also say things in my head and think I’ve actually said it in real life, which can lead to some entertainment or not such funny scenarios too. Mostly just funny. I can continue conversations based on what I’ve said, or add addendum. Until they or I realise that I didn’t actually say the first part. Just thought it.

What is your communication style? Do you think you’ve said things that are really still unsaid? If you relate or feel differently at all I’d love to hear your experiences and thoughts.

Love, light, and glitter

How can I understand relationships (friendships)?

I hope this makes some sort of sense for I am and have been falling asleep as I write this.

He lied to me. And that hurts more than anything else he could’ve said. He didn’t really lie to me. He just didn’t give me an honest answer.

Relationships. All my online relationships don’t last. There’s a reason I rarely go beyond public. That’s because they don’t last. Because they just disappear. And I care so much about everyone and am just left hurt, wondering what went wrong. Why all the people I care so much about just don’t care about me anymore. I’m left reaching out to people – just saying hi – and not getting anything back. I’m left with me doing all the reaching out, until it gets to the point where I see that they’re uninterested, when I reach out enough times and it’s always me reaching out, then eventually I do it less, and less, and it just disappears. And I wonder what went wrong. And I know it’s about me. Because it happens with everyone. And I can think of a couple of things. Like that I never get too close. So maybe they get that close and then they’re uninterested.

So, I’ve been thinking about it and a while ago I decided to ask someone I trust. Someone I care about a lot who I had a good relationship with. A relationship that doesn’t seem to exist anymore. A relationship that at this point is mostly me reaching out. So I decided to ask him because I trust him, and maybe if he explains to me why this he thinks relationship doesn’t exist anymore, I can understand why none of my relationships exist anymore.

There’s another reason I know it’s me. And that’s because all the people I care about, I see their interactions and connection with each other. And it hurts. To see their connection and know that I can’t have it – that they have it and that it doesn’t exist for me. Especially with the people who connected because of me (I’m sure they’d have all connected without me too).

I haven’t stopped crying for an hour, I’ve been crying since some of his response to me, and, it’s good, it’s good that I’m crying, it’s good coz’ I don’t let myself cry ever, and, I care so much about everyone. And I miss everyone. I’m thinking of someone random. Who we used to be so close. I don’t know what went wrong. I feel like everyone moves on.

So why’m I upset with what he said? I’m upset because he told me that the relationship is still there, that there’s disconnect that doesn’t have to be from me, but could be from both, that the disconnect could be about protection. The main thing I’m upset about is that he said it’s still there.

Oh really? That’s why he doesn’t know that a few months back I was messing up really badly with food. That’s why he doesn’t know that I’ve been burning myself for the past month and made myself sick when I OD’d. I actually messaged him that night coz’ I hoped he’d have advice. Which is why we were messaging now. I didn’t tell him then that I OD’d and haven’t told him for it’s no longer relevant. Not like I did anything major or much, just took more than I’d planned on, and kept taking, so…..

He basically told me he knows there’s been a disconnection and that doesn’t mean he doesn’t value me. I asked him why he thinks there’s been a disconnection and he said it could be self preservation on both ends. And, it’s just pat answers. It’s not real. And I know he thinks it’s real. I know he thinks he really answered me. And he didn’t. I know that because both of us have people we connect to. And because I trust him. I trust him more than I trust most people. Because I know he’s trusted me that way. I guess that’s why it hurts so much that he didn’t really answer me. To say that he lied is way too strong for he didn’t lie. He just didn’t give me a fully honest answer.

And, I’m sad. I’m sad about everyone. I’m sad about L. A couple of years ago I was close to L. I don’t even know what our relationship was. Close enough that she started my site – – for me. That she set it up and did formatting and extra bits for me. It was a two way relationship. That just doesn’t exist anymore. I miss M. M who remembers all the people he joined a forum with. When he listed the people he joined the same time as he listed the group of people I joined with, just not me. He remembered them all and not me. Not that he doesn’t know me. He does. He just doesn’t recollect the fun we had together. I miss S. We used to be really close. These people are all close with each other. Not all. They’ve all moved on. They’ve moved on from me. And they’re friends with each other. Their relationships grew stronger and stronger. These are people on a forum. I miss A. I miss S. I miss F. I miss Z. The people I used to speak on the phone to every week. I still see M. M who lives in the same town as me. We built a real relationship. The others. They’ve all moved on. Some of them still speak to each other.

I can go on and on. The people I’ve met online in various places. The people I connected to. Who connected to me. Who we were building relationships. That all fizzled out. That disappeared. And I’m left holding the strings. Occasionally I reach out till to some of them. And for the most part I get puzzled responses. I actually asked C a few months ago what happened, for I was trying to understand it. She said that she thinks that relationships need work on both sides and that when they’re new they’re exciting and you’re ready to put in the work, and with us she thinks we often didn’t understand each other. Not exactly so. My relationship with her was me turning to her. And she pretty much just stopped replying. She replied less and less. And less and less. Until it took a lot for me to message her. And she still mostly didn’t respond. So it disappeared.

I would believe it could be the other person. If it happened with less people. If it

wasn’t with so many people. Like R. R was in real life. And I know that R wasn’t my fault. I know it for she left. She just disappeared and didn’t respond to my messages. But even with R I blame myself. Because I’m pretty sure she didn’t do that to every person in her life. I’m sure it was only to me. Y too. He just disappeared. I don’t know what happened. One day he was there and then he just wasn’t. Everyone – not everyone, almost everyone – just isn’t. And, when it’s people who I was turning to, I miss them, and it’s okay, I move on. When it’s people who I had a real relationship with, I miss them a whole lot more. I care about them. I worry about them. I think about them. And I wonder what happened to our relationship. I wonder what I could have done differently to prevent that disconnect. I want to know what I could have done differently because I don’t want it to keep on happening. It’s why for the most part on wordpress and SF – the 2 online platforms I use – I rarely private message or go beyond the public spaces. There’s of course the reason that I can’t really turn to people. I don’t trust people enough to be able to speak to them, themselves, and be able to turn to them, or share with them. If it’s in public, I can share in public for it’s not sharing in the same way, I’m not turning to them. And because I don’t have the energy any longer. I’ve tried so hard. I’ve built so many relationships. And they all just don’t exist. I care so much for everyone. I know M, Y, S, C and TC from 5 different places. I know them all in different ways. And I miss them all. I miss them so much that it hurts. I miss be

ing able to speak to those of them that I spoke on the phone to. I miss the banter we shared by email or forum. I miss the connection. (And I’ve stopped crying now. I feel like it’s been nearly an hour and a half) And it hurts. It hurts so much. I few months ago I tried to ask C about it – lol, for this is a different C and I’m not sure I’ll ever recall who the initials reference. And, I didn’t really get an answer. For her answer made it seem like it was me who wasn’t interested and it wasn’t me, it was her who’d stepped back. I just wanted to know why. If I did anything to cause that. And now, I’ve been thinking about it for the last few months, and thought of asking this guy, and finally I asked him. He blamed us both. There is no blame to be assigned. And I know it is my responsibility. My responsibility to do what? To fan the flames of a dying fire? That he supposedly cares about?

I don’t know anymore. I told someone online recently that I wished I’d see more of them. They messaged me privately to ask why I didn’t then ask for their info. I replied that I’m tried of building relationships to wreck them. I am tired. I am tired of caring so much about everyone I’ve connected with. I’m falling asleep as I’m writing this. I don’t think I’ll fall asleep but I’ll finish anyways.

I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say. Relationships. What about them? I don’t understand them. I have friends. I have friendships that just happened. I have good, close friends. If not for that I’d say I did’t know how to have relationships. I know I do. I just also know that most, of not all, my relationships that begin online disappear. At the same time as the relationships between these others online just grow and become more real. Not for me, though. Not for me. And I still don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Or what to do differently. So that my relationships last. And I’m not left caring about someone so much, who just doesn’t seem to care for me. Or reaching out, worrying, wondering how they are, when they’ve moved on from me, and onto other people.

I’m glad when they do that. Know that. I’m glad they’re okay and have others as part of their lives. I’m just sad that they’ve moved on without, from me. And I miss them and care about them all the time.

Love, light and glitter

Why can’t people mind-read?

Why can’t people mind-read? I expect them to. I expect them to know what I think and when they don’t give me what I wanted – which I didn’t specifically ask for but meant and intended – I’m really hurt and know that they don’t care about me at all.

Just been journaling and wrote the above. Decided to come and write about it here.

I was journaling about E. Someone I was hurt with who wasn’t there for me when I reached out to her, after telling me just a week before that I could reach out to her and she would be really happy to be there. I’d sent her a link to what I wrote – Thinking about using – with the words Just want to share. I thought she would respond and she didn’t. That meant to me that she wasn’t there. Thinking about it now, the words I said, that I want to share, kinda leaves no necessary response. I wasn’t asking her to respond. I was asking her to listen. If she read what I wrote, she did listen. She didn’t give me what I didn’t ask for.

Was thinking too about what went on earlier today. I sent RR what I wrote – the dialogue about how/why bad exists – he responded pretty quickly that it’s amazing and thank you so much for sharing. I was hurt. I was hurt and angry with his response. For it wasn’t what I wanted from him. I wanted him to engage with the material I sent to him. I’d have loved his thoughts on a couple of the points I wrote about. He didn’t give that to me. So I was hurt. (Which makes me feel bad that I was upset instead of grateful. Grateful that he’d taken the time to read what I wrote. And bother responding when he has absolutely no need or desire to do so. And, I am. I do appreciate it). I guess I felt like he’d disregarded what I’d asked for. He didn’t give me what I didn’t ask for.

Why can’t people mind-read? This is just todays examples. I don’t necessarily have examples of this every day. I’m assuming if I think about it I can come up with a whole lot of examples from different times. Actually, I can think of a lot of times. I was hurt with people. They didn’t give me what I didn’t ask for. I meant it. I implied it. I thought it. I knew it. It was and is so evident to me that in my mind it should be so evident to the other person. And of course I don’t see at the time that I haven’t actually stated what I want. For in my mind, I’ve said it. It’s so real and so true that obviously the other person knows. Why can’t people mind-read again?

I was journaling about E because she had offered 2 things to me at the same time and I was realising I can’t ask her to do what she said she would. If she didn’t do the first I can’t trust she meant the second. So I was thinking about her today. Except that, thankfully now I see that she didn’t necessarily back out from the first. So she hasn’t backed out from her second offer either. And I can still ask her if she wants to join me in that.

The most important example I can think of is with AH, my ex therapist. What ultimately ended it – asides from both of us messing up big time – was his inability to mind-read and understand all I was trying to say. I know now that it was his responsibility, as the therapist, to make sure that didn’t get in the way, but that definitely played a big part. He couldn’t give to me what I didn’t ask for.

The point is, why is it that people can’t mind-read? I expect them to. And they can’t. And I’m hurt when they haven’t given me what I’ve asked for. Except that I haven’t actually asked for it! I intended it. I meant it. I implied it. I wanted it. I thought it. I knew it. I even thought I spelled it out in A, B, C. Yet I didn’t. Yet, I don’t. And I end up being hurt by it. I’m the one hurt by it, not them. They don’t care if they aren’t a part of my life. They couldn’t care less if they’d never hear from me again. They couldn’t care about me either way. I care.

Why did you say people can’t mind-read?

Love, light and glitter

Navigating relationships in my world

Navigating relationships. Well, I’ve titled the thread before writing anything at all. I know what I want to write about. I wonder if there’s a point writing about it. If it will help me. Or anyone. Or if it will make any difference. If it can.

Yesterday I went out with someone. I’d been on edge and had decided to just hold on. She called me to go out, she’d asked me earlier and I assumed she needed to speak. AG is one person I’d go out of my way for. I’ve written about it elsewhere on my blog. She asked me to go for a walk. I was on edge. I told her I could give her a half hour. She spent 40 minutes trying to get the courage to tell me that she didn’t think it was healthy for me to work through what I believe. It threw me a lot. That’s not the point. I know that it’s healthy and I’m sad for her that she thinks it’s unhealthy. I thanked her for being brave and courageous enough to share what she was thinking. The point I’m coming to is that as I was journaling today I said that I feel like she’s ruined the relationship we had. I honestly do feel as though she has ruined the relationship. Which, also seems extreme to me.

It’s reminding me of RR. Those who have been following this blog may remember RR. He used to be there for me. Then I was brave enough to ask him why he went behind me back and had lied to me. He explained it to me. I forgive him and understand why he did what he did. I don’t think it was the only option he had, I understand why he thought it was. I haven’t been in touch with him since. I haven’t been in touch with him for I don’t know how to reach out. And primarily because he wasn’t there for me. Because he let me down enough times that in my mind he wasn’t a part of my life anymore. It’s why I didn’t mind asking him about his betrayal of my trust, for I knew he couldn’t ruin what didn’t exist. For there was no relationship. Which also makes very little sense. For we had a relationship. We probably still have a relationship – one that has just taken a hiatus. He did let me down. He told me he’d do stuff that he didn’t do. He didn’t respond and wasn’t there. Which means he isn’t there, wasn’t there. Which is again, extreme and black and white. For he always was there. For all the times he didn’t respond there are the times he reached out to me. Yet he wasn’t there. And I don’t know what is my issue and what is real.

I’m thinking of all the relationships, primarily online, actually, no, in real life too, in which people were a part of my life, and then they weren’t there any longer. Some of these people, I know that they left. A lot of them, most, I always knew they left. Now I wonder. They weren’t there. So the relationship didn’t exist in my mind and it meant I never reached out (if they’d reached out it’d still be there). I’m tired of thinking.

The reason RR has been so much on my mind recently is that I want guidance regarding a couple of things and he is the perfect person to ask. He is the only person I know who knows me, who has taken on the role in life of guiding others with such, who knows my life, my family and where I’m coming from. So I’ve been thinking of him. Every post I write working through what I believe I wish I could share with him. He’d be so proud. I can’t share it with him. Not because of him. Because of me. Because I can’t reach out. It’s not actually that I won’t, I plan on discussing it with my friend (I’m referencing a friend 15 years my senior here) and getting her advice on this specific situation. It’s not the specifics I’m thinking of. Well I am too.

I’m realising the way I’m reacting. Knowing that I’ve never seen it before. Having no idea what is my issue and what isn’t. Having no idea when it’s another person at ‘fault’ or me, because ultimately I can’t trust myself when it comes to relationships. The funny thing, or contradictory thing, is that at the very same time as all this is true. I’ve lost so many relationships and miss everyone and feel so lonely and feel like everyone has left me whilst I care about them they just don’t care. The other side is that at the same time as that’s happening, I’ve been building some really solid, healthy, balanced relationships with a couple of people. I’ve been rebuilding a relationship with someone that was wrecked – something I never thought I’d ever be able to do, repair bridges and make something so healthy out of something broken. I’m building healthy relationships with my family, and appreciating them. I’ve been learning what boundaries are and learning to keep my own boundaries and express to others in my life who constantly cross them that they’re crossing them (not that it helps, but I’m doing my part).

I’m doing both. Which is kinda weird. I’m seeing, learning, that I’ve had a part in getting rid of so many relationships I care so much about. I was going to say ruined, but a lot of the relationships aren’t ruined, there was no wreckage involved, they’re just non-existent. I’m seeing that a lot of them is probably down to me. I’m seeing that it’s all or none for me. I’m sad to see that. I’m sad because of how much I miss all these people. And I’m building healthy, balanced, solid relationships with people. Seems strange to be able to do both things at the same time.

I started off writing this post really sad. Sad to see this. Sad especially because I don’t know what to do now about a couple of relationships. Now, I’m no longer sure what I feel. I don’t know what to do with the knowledge either. Especially as I really don’t know what’s down to me and what’s down to others. I’m thinking of a couple of people I was always hurt by that I wasn’t a part of them. I eventually learned that it was because I wasn’t present, and as I became present (in the world) and as I learned to join them, I became more a part. I always still sensed a distance but blamed myself, until another random observer told me that she saw the distance and objectively it’s not from me, but from them being a unit to my exclusion (I still join them). I never know what’s down to me and what’s down to others. It’s all a tangle. Of wires and confusion. That I’m not actually going to be trying to unravel at the moment. I’m going to try deal with the present (like figuring out whether to reach out to RR and how to go about it). Anything else is relegated to the back burner. For asides for when I journal, which helps me figure it out, I’m not going to think about it. Still sad.

Love, light and glitter