Navigating relationships. Well, I’ve titled the thread before writing anything at all. I know what I want to write about. I wonder if there’s a point writing about it. If it will help me. Or anyone. Or if it will make any difference. If it can.

Yesterday I went out with someone. I’d been on edge and had decided to just hold on. She called me to go out, she’d asked me earlier and I assumed she needed to speak. AG is one person I’d go out of my way for. I’ve written about it elsewhere on my blog. She asked me to go for a walk. I was on edge. I told her I could give her a half hour. She spent 40 minutes trying to get the courage to tell me that she didn’t think it was healthy for me to work through what I believe. It threw me a lot. That’s not the point. I know that it’s healthy and I’m sad for her that she thinks it’s unhealthy. I thanked her for being brave and courageous enough to share what she was thinking. The point I’m coming to is that as I was journaling today I said that I feel like she’s ruined the relationship we had. I honestly do feel as though she has ruined the relationship. Which, also seems extreme to me.

It’s reminding me of RR. Those who have been following this blog may remember RR. He used to be there for me. Then I was brave enough to ask him why he went behind me back and had lied to me. He explained it to me. I forgive him and understand why he did what he did. I don’t think it was the only option he had, I understand why he thought it was. I haven’t been in touch with him since. I haven’t been in touch with him for I don’t know how to reach out. And primarily because he wasn’t there for me. Because he let me down enough times that in my mind he wasn’t a part of my life anymore. It’s why I didn’t mind asking him about his betrayal of my trust, for I knew he couldn’t ruin what didn’t exist. For there was no relationship. Which also makes very little sense. For we had a relationship. We probably still have a relationship – one that has just taken a hiatus. He did let me down. He told me he’d do stuff that he didn’t do. He didn’t respond and wasn’t there. Which means he isn’t there, wasn’t there. Which is again, extreme and black and white. For he always was there. For all the times he didn’t respond there are the times he reached out to me. Yet he wasn’t there. And I don’t know what is my issue and what is real.

I’m thinking of all the relationships, primarily online, actually, no, in real life too, in which people were a part of my life, and then they weren’t there any longer. Some of these people, I know that they left. A lot of them, most, I always knew they left. Now I wonder. They weren’t there. So the relationship didn’t exist in my mind and it meant I never reached out (if they’d reached out it’d still be there). I’m tired of thinking.

The reason RR has been so much on my mind recently is that I want guidance regarding a couple of things and he is the perfect person to ask. He is the only person I know who knows me, who has taken on the role in life of guiding others with such, who knows my life, my family and where I’m coming from. So I’ve been thinking of him. Every post I write working through what I believe I wish I could share with him. He’d be so proud. I can’t share it with him. Not because of him. Because of me. Because I can’t reach out. It’s not actually that I won’t, I plan on discussing it with my friend (I’m referencing a friend 15 years my senior here) and getting her advice on this specific situation. It’s not the specifics I’m thinking of. Well I am too.

I’m realising the way I’m reacting. Knowing that I’ve never seen it before. Having no idea what is my issue and what isn’t. Having no idea when it’s another person at ‘fault’ or me, because ultimately I can’t trust myself when it comes to relationships. The funny thing, or contradictory thing, is that at the very same time as all this is true. I’ve lost so many relationships and miss everyone and feel so lonely and feel like everyone has left me whilst I care about them they just don’t care. The other side is that at the same time as that’s happening, I’ve been building some really solid, healthy, balanced relationships with a couple of people. I’ve been rebuilding a relationship with someone that was wrecked – something I never thought I’d ever be able to do, repair bridges and make something so healthy out of something broken. I’m building healthy relationships with my family, and appreciating them. I’ve been learning what boundaries are and learning to keep my own boundaries and express to others in my life who constantly cross them that they’re crossing them (not that it helps, but I’m doing my part).

I’m doing both. Which is kinda weird. I’m seeing, learning, that I’ve had a part in getting rid of so many relationships I care so much about. I was going to say ruined, but a lot of the relationships aren’t ruined, there was no wreckage involved, they’re just non-existent. I’m seeing that a lot of them is probably down to me. I’m seeing that it’s all or none for me. I’m sad to see that. I’m sad because of how much I miss all these people. And I’m building healthy, balanced, solid relationships with people. Seems strange to be able to do both things at the same time.

I started off writing this post really sad. Sad to see this. Sad especially because I don’t know what to do now about a couple of relationships. Now, I’m no longer sure what I feel. I don’t know what to do with the knowledge either. Especially as I really don’t know what’s down to me and what’s down to others. I’m thinking of a couple of people I was always hurt by that I wasn’t a part of them. I eventually learned that it was because I wasn’t present, and as I became present (in the world) and as I learned to join them, I became more a part. I always still sensed a distance but blamed myself, until another random observer told me that she saw the distance and objectively it’s not from me, but from them being a unit to my exclusion (I still join them). I never know what’s down to me and what’s down to others. It’s all a tangle. Of wires and confusion. That I’m not actually going to be trying to unravel at the moment. I’m going to try deal with the present (like figuring out whether to reach out to RR and how to go about it). Anything else is relegated to the back burner. For asides for when I journal, which helps me figure it out, I’m not going to think about it. Still sad.

Love, light and glitter

38 thoughts on “Navigating relationships in my world

  1. Someone will eventually understand you and love you for exactly who you are. I know it. If people go, they weren’t ever meant to stay anyway. Sending love.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Steve is right.
    There are many things I could and may eventually say but I will start with a lesson that was taught to me that you may already be aware of. People come into and people leave your life. Such as the seasons. Learn from these relationships. Gain what you can from them. Learn. For from every relationship we have/ had something can be garnered. Appreciate them for what they are/were. Even if they weren’t the best because the lessons can be invaluable for the future.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Ever forward. Towards what has yet to come. Remember too though. To stop and view your surroundings. Take in it all. Sometimes we need to know where we are so that we can navigate all that we encounter. We as people seem to forget so readily thus chasing our tails through the same mistakes. Remember where you’ve been so you don’t have to relive the mistakes which in turn may put you in the place you truly desire to be.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. 🙂 How old are you? I’m asking coz’ you seem really wise, maybe insightful and knowledgeable are more the correct words?
          Chasing tails can be fun for a while and then it gets boring. Learning from mistakes are important. I’m so glad we get second chances, even if not with the same people or situations, every moment is a new moment and a new chance, and even if we mess it up, we still have another new moment.
          Have you any plans for the weekend?

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I am older physically than my mind wants me to be. I am 38. I thank you for your thoughts. I have since I was young been told I am wiser than my years. I don’t think it comes from me, but this force/ essence I feel. I always have yet did not realize it until relatively recently. It guides me to do what is good and right.
            Chasing tails can be fun depending on the one you’re chasing. I get dizzy too easily so chasing mine is no fun. You are quite right and I appreciate your writings for that. You help to give me reminders that I need. Our second chances may not be in the way we want, hope or think they should be but with others. I lime that. It is true and something worth remembering. Thank you for that.
            My plans are to work but mentally I will be out kayaking on the river. What are your plans for the weekend?

            Liked by 1 person

              1. Reading is and always will be a wonderful things. One can never read too much. Expand your mind in every way you can.
                Kayaking is a passion of mine. To me being out in nature is hard to beat. It is where I feel my best. And when you combine that with being on the water well to me it’s pure tranquility.

                Liked by 1 person

                    1. It was terrifying because it was out alone. It was awesome. Amazing. It was, rowing when you’re completely alone, just you and the vastness of the ocean stretching out in front of you. Fighting against the waves. Feeling as though you’re getting nowhere. Then looking at the shore or landmark and realising you’ve actually moved. Moving with the waves up and down. Being out just you in the ocean. It wasn’t as terrifying since there was a lifeguard, the person who hired out the boats, and my friend was in another kayak and she made sure I was safe – helped me figure out how to do it, how to turn around, came back to me etc.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    2. Was that your first time on a kayak? It is a chore learning to go with the waves instead of against and for me who gets sea sick I had to learn that on my own. Rivers are much different. I love being on the river and teaching others how to kayak and what to look for so they will not flip and have a good time. I love the water.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    3. I bet it is. A great exercise and experience though. I look forward to the time I am able to get out and kayak on the ocean.

                      Liked by 1 person

          2. As I ponder it more I try to put reminders out there for myself and hopefully help someone along the way. It’s also life experience (mine and what I have observed) because we as people don’t remember all that we should. We need those reminders.

            Liked by 1 person

  3. So many online relationships (and those in real life too) ebb and flow. We interact with some people a lot, then kind of lose touch. I think it’s a factor of the busy lives we lead, but also where we are in life. Some people grow at different rates than others. Some friends will “catch up” and some never will. Learning to let go is one of the hardest things I have had to learn.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Yeah, that’s a valid point.
      Letting go is really important. Although I never stop caring about anyone. Sometimes I feel weird how much I care when they all seem to have forgotten.

      Like

  4. As I was reading your post, one line struck me – ‘It’s all a tangle. Of wires and confusion’. I am not familiar enough with your past posts to suggest anything but I am struggling with my friendships just now and that is exactly how I feel – a tangle. In my case, and probably yours, it is a tangle of neurons.
    I feel so unwell at the moment that I have been ghosting my friends. For the most part, they have tried to be supportive but just don’t understand that I need to be alone. Social chit chat just makes me anxious. To be honest, I sometimes make poor choices in friends because I love to be needed. The previous comments are all true. People do come and go, friendships come to a natural end and we keep learning from our missteps in relationships. Keep thinking positively, sending a glitter hug!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You’re right that it’s a tangle of neurons.
      Thanks for commenting. It made me feel less alone….
      Thanks for the hugs, especially the glitter
      Any plans for the weekend?
      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m sorry you feel sad and potentially confused.
    The post provoked some deep thinking in me.
    Sorry I can’t help, but I hope that you figure it out soon. Remember to stay golden and take one day at a time.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hello Journey to Life. Thats a very good path to be on! You sound young, ( I only know that because I’m not).
    So your ambivalence is understandable. You should be weighing everything, being thoughtful about everything, consider everything. So Im applauding your willingness to evaluate your friendships and how you feel about them.
    This is how it should be, its how you learn what is acceptable to yoh and what is mot. Good Job.

    Trust yourself to make the best decisions for you. You gain INFORMATION from all your choices. Good and bad. You will make mistakes but that’s also INFORMATION you can use for your future.
    Live Life and gain the INFORMATION you need.
    Im glad to hear suicide failed!
    You Must Be Very Important💜
    Its my opinion that the most severely needed, are the most severely challenged!
    YOU WON THE HARDEST BATTLE💜
    And fought your way back.
    You challenged death and death lost! Now challenge Life!
    Amen.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Your reply really touched me. Thank you for taking the time to read and write this up. I appreciate it. Yeah, sometimes it feels like it was the hardest battle, other times it feels like others are harder.
      Love, light and glitter

      Like

      1. AWESOME💜
        Be Encouraged!
        I believe that you are more powerful than you know! You definitely have supernatural inner strength.
        Trust it.
        I Sense Greatness and Beauty in You, and I can’t wait until you find out how right I am about that!
        I’ll be listening…
        Prove Me Right!
        Amen.

        Liked by 2 people

  7. I think bloggers are more in touch with their feelings and that of others than the other folks – that is because we write our thoughts and put them out there for others to see, some of the posts are funny, some are profound and we wait to see if we get the desired response … but if we don’t, or worse … if no one responds, we shouldn’t just write them off … look at me, behind four days but still caring.

    Liked by 2 people

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