I hope this makes some sort of sense for I am and have been falling asleep as I write this.

He lied to me. And that hurts more than anything else he could’ve said. He didn’t really lie to me. He just didn’t give me an honest answer.

Relationships. All my online relationships don’t last. There’s a reason I rarely go beyond public. That’s because they don’t last. Because they just disappear. And I care so much about everyone and am just left hurt, wondering what went wrong. Why all the people I care so much about just don’t care about me anymore. I’m left reaching out to people – just saying hi – and not getting anything back. I’m left with me doing all the reaching out, until it gets to the point where I see that they’re uninterested, when I reach out enough times and it’s always me reaching out, then eventually I do it less, and less, and it just disappears. And I wonder what went wrong. And I know it’s about me. Because it happens with everyone. And I can think of a couple of things. Like that I never get too close. So maybe they get that close and then they’re uninterested.

So, I’ve been thinking about it and a while ago I decided to ask someone I trust. Someone I care about a lot who I had a good relationship with. A relationship that doesn’t seem to exist anymore. A relationship that at this point is mostly me reaching out. So I decided to ask him because I trust him, and maybe if he explains to me why this he thinks relationship doesn’t exist anymore, I can understand why none of my relationships exist anymore.

There’s another reason I know it’s me. And that’s because all the people I care about, I see their interactions and connection with each other. And it hurts. To see their connection and know that I can’t have it – that they have it and that it doesn’t exist for me. Especially with the people who connected because of me (I’m sure they’d have all connected without me too).

I haven’t stopped crying for an hour, I’ve been crying since some of his response to me, and, it’s good, it’s good that I’m crying, it’s good coz’ I don’t let myself cry ever, and, I care so much about everyone. And I miss everyone. I’m thinking of someone random. Who we used to be so close. I don’t know what went wrong. I feel like everyone moves on.

So why’m I upset with what he said? I’m upset because he told me that the relationship is still there, that there’s disconnect that doesn’t have to be from me, but could be from both, that the disconnect could be about protection. The main thing I’m upset about is that he said it’s still there.

Oh really? That’s why he doesn’t know that a few months back I was messing up really badly with food. That’s why he doesn’t know that I’ve been burning myself for the past month and made myself sick when I OD’d. I actually messaged him that night coz’ I hoped he’d have advice. Which is why we were messaging now. I didn’t tell him then that I OD’d and haven’t told him for it’s no longer relevant. Not like I did anything major or much, just took more than I’d planned on, and kept taking, so…..

He basically told me he knows there’s been a disconnection and that doesn’t mean he doesn’t value me. I asked him why he thinks there’s been a disconnection and he said it could be self preservation on both ends. And, it’s just pat answers. It’s not real. And I know he thinks it’s real. I know he thinks he really answered me. And he didn’t. I know that because both of us have people we connect to. And because I trust him. I trust him more than I trust most people. Because I know he’s trusted me that way. I guess that’s why it hurts so much that he didn’t really answer me. To say that he lied is way too strong for he didn’t lie. He just didn’t give me a fully honest answer.

And, I’m sad. I’m sad about everyone. I’m sad about L. A couple of years ago I was close to L. I don’t even know what our relationship was. Close enough that she started my site – elizareasonstolive.com – for me. That she set it up and did formatting and extra bits for me. It was a two way relationship. That just doesn’t exist anymore. I miss M. M who remembers all the people he joined a forum with. When he listed the people he joined the same time as he listed the group of people I joined with, just not me. He remembered them all and not me. Not that he doesn’t know me. He does. He just doesn’t recollect the fun we had together. I miss S. We used to be really close. These people are all close with each other. Not all. They’ve all moved on. They’ve moved on from me. And they’re friends with each other. Their relationships grew stronger and stronger. These are people on a forum. I miss A. I miss S. I miss F. I miss Z. The people I used to speak on the phone to every week. I still see M. M who lives in the same town as me. We built a real relationship. The others. They’ve all moved on. Some of them still speak to each other.

I can go on and on. The people I’ve met online in various places. The people I connected to. Who connected to me. Who we were building relationships. That all fizzled out. That disappeared. And I’m left holding the strings. Occasionally I reach out till to some of them. And for the most part I get puzzled responses. I actually asked C a few months ago what happened, for I was trying to understand it. She said that she thinks that relationships need work on both sides and that when they’re new they’re exciting and you’re ready to put in the work, and with us she thinks we often didn’t understand each other. Not exactly so. My relationship with her was me turning to her. And she pretty much just stopped replying. She replied less and less. And less and less. Until it took a lot for me to message her. And she still mostly didn’t respond. So it disappeared.

I would believe it could be the other person. If it happened with less people. If it

wasn’t with so many people. Like R. R was in real life. And I know that R wasn’t my fault. I know it for she left. She just disappeared and didn’t respond to my messages. But even with R I blame myself. Because I’m pretty sure she didn’t do that to every person in her life. I’m sure it was only to me. Y too. He just disappeared. I don’t know what happened. One day he was there and then he just wasn’t. Everyone – not everyone, almost everyone – just isn’t. And, when it’s people who I was turning to, I miss them, and it’s okay, I move on. When it’s people who I had a real relationship with, I miss them a whole lot more. I care about them. I worry about them. I think about them. And I wonder what happened to our relationship. I wonder what I could have done differently to prevent that disconnect. I want to know what I could have done differently because I don’t want it to keep on happening. It’s why for the most part on wordpress and SF – the 2 online platforms I use – I rarely private message or go beyond the public spaces. There’s of course the reason that I can’t really turn to people. I don’t trust people enough to be able to speak to them, themselves, and be able to turn to them, or share with them. If it’s in public, I can share in public for it’s not sharing in the same way, I’m not turning to them. And because I don’t have the energy any longer. I’ve tried so hard. I’ve built so many relationships. And they all just don’t exist. I care so much for everyone. I know M, Y, S, C and TC from 5 different places. I know them all in different ways. And I miss them all. I miss them so much that it hurts. I miss be

ing able to speak to those of them that I spoke on the phone to. I miss the banter we shared by email or forum. I miss the connection. (And I’ve stopped crying now. I feel like it’s been nearly an hour and a half) And it hurts. It hurts so much. I few months ago I tried to ask C about it – lol, for this is a different C and I’m not sure I’ll ever recall who the initials reference. And, I didn’t really get an answer. For her answer made it seem like it was me who wasn’t interested and it wasn’t me, it was her who’d stepped back. I just wanted to know why. If I did anything to cause that. And now, I’ve been thinking about it for the last few months, and thought of asking this guy, and finally I asked him. He blamed us both. There is no blame to be assigned. And I know it is my responsibility. My responsibility to do what? To fan the flames of a dying fire? That he supposedly cares about?

I don’t know anymore. I told someone online recently that I wished I’d see more of them. They messaged me privately to ask why I didn’t then ask for their info. I replied that I’m tried of building relationships to wreck them. I am tired. I am tired of caring so much about everyone I’ve connected with. I’m falling asleep as I’m writing this. I don’t think I’ll fall asleep but I’ll finish anyways.

I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say. Relationships. What about them? I don’t understand them. I have friends. I have friendships that just happened. I have good, close friends. If not for that I’d say I did’t know how to have relationships. I know I do. I just also know that most, of not all, my relationships that begin online disappear. At the same time as the relationships between these others online just grow and become more real. Not for me, though. Not for me. And I still don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Or what to do differently. So that my relationships last. And I’m not left caring about someone so much, who just doesn’t seem to care for me. Or reaching out, worrying, wondering how they are, when they’ve moved on from me, and onto other people.

I’m glad when they do that. Know that. I’m glad they’re okay and have others as part of their lives. I’m just sad that they’ve moved on without, from me. And I miss them and care about them all the time.

Love, light and glitter

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39 thoughts on “How can I understand relationships (friendships)?

  1. Awwww, it’ll be okay. It does make sense! Yeah- bad stuff does happen alot in life. Sometimes, they drag us down and make us cry and destroy our hope. But we have to realize one thing- that in the end, even the worst storm or the darkest hour will past. Yeah, your life could be a special sort of hell at the moment- you feel like everyone has moved on, and gotten away from you, and you’re jut left with the dying flames. And it might really suck. But, you have to remember one thing- there’s 7 billion people on this planet. And, you’ll find one somehow, someday, and they will never, ever leave you with the dead coals.

    Liked by 3 people

        1. Yeah, school starting is ugh….. you definitely seem to understand school way more than I ever did! (coz’ I don’t understand a lot of what you write. Hey, want to write about the speed = distance/time, on a grade 7 level? And about forces. And sound???)

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Big hugs, honey!!! I can tell you from years of experience that online friendships typically don’t last. They run their course and fizzle out. Life changes. There’s a feeling for many, many people that the “friends” we make online don’t really care that much. For many years my level of depression and anxiety kept me isolated and my only real relationships were with penpals and online friends. Eventually others drift away. Their real life gets busy. I’ve done it to others in turn. It’s been about life changes and not the person, so much. It’s hard not to take it personally. Especially with anxiety, depression and all the other crap that goes on for me at times. There have been a number of people in my life, online and IRL who have tried to befriend me at different times in my life who’ve left because I’ve been too sick. My mental illness was too much to handle. Being my friend was work. Sadly, these friends didn’t tell me that. One of those people reconnected with me many years later and was honest enough to tell me. It hurt, but the honesty was a gift. I’ve also had friends who I’ve needed to back away from and end friendships with for the same reasons. It’s hurtful and sad all around, but a very real part of having mental health issues. I had a dear friend for 16 years with borderline personality disorder. When her symptoms got to be too much I’d back off for a bit. I’d always be there, but I’d stay on the sidelines a bit until she took care of herself. She knew. She knew I loved her and wasn’t going anywhere. Sadly, the day came when she went too far off and I had to end our friendship abruptly. It hurt both of us.

    I don’t know you well enough to say what the situation is with you. I can tell that you and I have some similarities. β™₯ I’m pretty healthy these days after years of hard work and struggle. One of the healthiest (and scariest) things I had to do to have long lasting relationships was push into the real world. Spend time with people. Do things. Trust them. Trust myself. Work through my anxiety of being out, not being liked or enough. Force myself to learn to show up even when it was hard and to call and tell friends when I was too anxious to get out to our time together. Honestly, I had to take several years totally away from the internet. I’d gotten too dependent on it. (I still have times when I fall back on the comfort and safety of online relationships in place of real people.)

    You’re so worth the effort, Eliza! β™₯ You care a lot. Hugs and glitter and rainbows. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks for sharing this. I do need to build more relationships in the real world. I wish there were a manual somewhere – how to make and keep friends :). I’m learning that my friendships don’t have to be intense, they can be relaxed and fun, and they don’t have to be, shouldn’t be, based only on what you struggle with being the identifying factor for then they don’t last. I’m hoping it’ll be possible. And sparkly :)… it’s kinda funny how much I like glitter nowadays. I mean in real life too, that I love seeing sparkle and glitter and want it (funny because it’s not what I recognise as myself). Why’m I rambling?
      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Eliza, I wish you could read your post with my eyes… and my melon behind them. This post makes a lot of what you’re going through make so much sense.

    I can so relate to what you’re going through. Sadly, the answers you’re looking for aren’t “out there” in someone else, they’re within you. We have a tendency to hope someone else will care about us enough to fill a void that can’t be filled with someone else’s love or devotion so we use people up till they drift away.

    Just a thought. I could be wrong.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. There is so much to this. I understand this all all all too well. Being the one holding onto an ember as it slowly cools then sometimes simply( yet not so simply) fades into nothingness. It’s hard especially for the one holding. The one who cares. Being the one who reaches out when everyone seems to be walking Away. I have been there. You care. Relationships mean some to you and it feels like it means nothing to the other. If it did why would they just go? Sadly, I have been on both sides of this coin. We as people are complex and it could be any among many reasons why. Or it could be none and they just let go for reasons the will never be known to any but them. Oftentimes it hurts. To be the one who cares when things fade. It did for me too. More so when those same people come to you but only when they need something or want your advice because they know they can trust and count on you.
    When you asked your friend and didn’t get the response you thought should come it was disappointing because you feel that you know there is more. You could be right but then you could be wrong. In my experience sometimes it is that simple. For others at least. And we are the ones complicating things. I had someone express to me years ago that to life there are seasons so too with people. Some people come into our lives and for whatever reason they are only there a relatively short time. After all I have experienced especially these past two years some people do come into our lives for a purpose. And we often do not see it at the time. When things begin to fizzle I reflect on the time and how we benefited from one another or just on the relationship itself. I have determined I will not be the one who keeps things when they fade. I will make an effort but when they respond less and less I don’t hold on to something that’s not there.
    I was discussing this very thing with one of my many other mothers the other day. Her son and I grew up together. We were brothers just not by blood. I still feel we are. I love him and always will but that happened to our relationship and I made an effort for a while but as you said when you see they don’t respond it’s best to stop. So I did.
    You care. That is a good thing. It’s hard. But keep caring. We need people like you. I know you are a giver and an empath. And that makes life hard because there are so many who don’t truly care. You feel. Keep feeling. Just don’t destroy yourself because of what you feel. Learn. Learn all you can from the past relationships that will help to benefit you in the future. You will get those relationships that last. Some things take time. And they don’t always come when we want them to. But they will. Take care my dear for this too shall pass and you will grow, change and be better for it.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I feel like that point that relationships are like seasons is really true. I know for myself that even if I’ve outgrown a relationship if the other person cares for it I’ll keep it up and invest my part in it. If they’re always calling me I’ll do my part and try call them too. But that’s just me. There are relationships like that. And yes, I always seem to be the one holding on. Maybe because they outgrow it and I don’t. Or, I just care so much about them still.
      With people who just take, there are people like that, I don’t mind when they leave. It can hurt, but in a different way, and, I’m not sure, but I don’t feel it’s wrong of them. I feel like sometimes it’s not okay to just take, but sometimes that is the essence of the relationship and it’s okay (as in mentor/mentee, it’s not healthy if it’s supposedly a friendship). Just how I feel. And I’m rambling again…. thanks for sharing your thoughts fully. It makes me feel a little less crazy…
      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

      1. We are all a bit off but you are not crazy for thinking, feeling and expressing things as you have. I understand what you feel. You are a giver. And every relationship we will ever have is give and take even with us givers.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I hate being lied to as well. I hate to be taken for a fool and find it very difficult to trust anyone fully after they have lied to me. It simply hurts. You have to try and care a little less and move on: it is their problem, not yours. People who hurt you deeply don’t deserve your friendship. Get a dog instead: their love and loyalty is unquestionable and they will never, ever lie. Good luck. ❀

    Liked by 3 people

  6. As you can see from the replies, it isn’t something that happens only to you.

    I am not you or any of those describe in this post (at least I think I am not), so I cannot know for sure. From what you said about the first C, it seems like she got tired of always being there for you. Maybe she needed you to be there for her? Why do I say that? It’s because I’ve been in a relationship with a person who liked to talk. In the beginning, that was good, because I like to listen. However, it did not take long to figure out that their problems were more important than mine. I always listened and they never asked about my stuff. It would be sad if I didn’t just stick to the relationship for other reasons. It is now over and I am glad. That person blames me, I blame them.

    Online friendships are weird. I had a few of those throughout the years, too. However, they mostly end when you (or them) quit whatever brought you together. Sometimes there is a jealous partner involved. There can be many reasons for that.

    When I was younger, I had no issues with letting relationships dissolve. Why? Because I was unhappy in them, or I just did not see the benefits. I’ve been repeatedly told to change in that regard. I was told to reach out. I was told that other people must be tired of reaching out. Just to check that theory, I started reaching out to people. What happened? They started relying on me to always reach out. The truth of the matter is that a relationship includes 2 people. BOTH people need to want to be in it and they need to work on it. If someone doesn’t care enough, then why worry? Let them go. If they can be happier somewhere else, set them free. Do you really want someone to stay just because? I surely don’t.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You’re none of those people. It definitely has to include both people! When people don’t reciprocate or aren’t interested I do let go. It just seems that I care so much for the other person> i care for all the people who’ve moved on from me, whilst somehow I haven’t moved on from them. I wonder why that is or what causes that. I know they’ve moved on and I’m happy for them. It just does hurt.
      Relationships definitely have to be 2 way, although not always – as in friendships do, my relationship with C was mentor kinda style and such relationships don’t need to be (I’ve one relationship like that, where she turns to me and it’ll never be vice versa). As a general I don’t find right or wrong, the best is just real life, and, I’m not sure what else. I guess I’ve a lot (a whole lot!) to learn about relationships, making, keeping and being in them. And I guess it’s a good thing that one can learn…
      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Happy New Year Eliza. I’m so sorry that you’ve been feeling this way. I think we all just get so busy in our lives and that everyone from time to time is dealing with big issues that take over their lives. What I have learned dealing with all kinds of people–especially my family, is not to have expectations and not to take things personally. I realize that it’s not as easy as it sounds and that I’ve been working on this for decades and have 99% perfected this. But it’s an important ingredient to happiness. I hope you can find some way to just let it go and find peace in your life. I know we’re all different and what has worked for me might not feel right for you. Because my past was full of so much conflict, and knowing how short life is, I made the choice to be happy and not give a damn what anyone thought about me. What I think is all that counts. Make 2020 a good year for you.
    xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Not taking things personally is the best thing ever. I need to do that. I don’t think it’ll stop me missing the people. But maybe it ain’t because of me.
      Happy new year! Here’s to a new year filled with glitter and love…
      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m never sure myself if I accept rewards or not. Thank you Tamara! I’m definitely touched and really appreciate the thought…
      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

  8. You’re exhausted, Eliza, both physically and emotionally, and naturally, the dire takes advantage of this weakness.

    Get some much-needed rest. After that, we’ll still be here. Those who aren’t, really had nothing to offer in the first place.

    Meanwhile, your audience will wait. Just you watch. We don’t scatter so easily.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I don’t know why but these things happen. I don’t get it either but it does regardless. You do have friends though and the only thing I can say is if they move on then your light and glitter blinded them πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I don’t know too. I’ve had uhhhh 3 online friendships become offline ones…but that was after many dozens of online friendships fizzling out… so 3 in 30 years is good maybe.

    To be fair, I’ve also been the one pulling back as I outgrew one or two online friendships which had turned toxic, and I’ve also had plenty of people walking away (much more than 1 or 2, like whole groups) and I didn’t always get answers why.

    I’m also not a big private message person and I’m really glad you write here because I think it does take bravery. It’s human to want connection with others and I relate to missing people. Even those I outgrew and had to leave, and especially a lot of those who left.

    A warm hug if you want one?

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Always πŸ™‚ Online hugs, virtual hugs, are/is the first step to hugs in real life. It was all the virtual hugs sent that actually made touch in real life safer. I’m not sure how that works, but, it did. I know it played a big role in my hugging others…

      Like

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