I hope this makes some sort of sense for I am and have been falling asleep as I write this.
He lied to me. And that hurts more than anything else he could’ve said. He didn’t really lie to me. He just didn’t give me an honest answer.
Relationships. All my online relationships don’t last. There’s a reason I rarely go beyond public. That’s because they don’t last. Because they just disappear. And I care so much about everyone and am just left hurt, wondering what went wrong. Why all the people I care so much about just don’t care about me anymore. I’m left reaching out to people – just saying hi – and not getting anything back. I’m left with me doing all the reaching out, until it gets to the point where I see that they’re uninterested, when I reach out enough times and it’s always me reaching out, then eventually I do it less, and less, and it just disappears. And I wonder what went wrong. And I know it’s about me. Because it happens with everyone. And I can think of a couple of things. Like that I never get too close. So maybe they get that close and then they’re uninterested.
So, I’ve been thinking about it and a while ago I decided to ask someone I trust. Someone I care about a lot who I had a good relationship with. A relationship that doesn’t seem to exist anymore. A relationship that at this point is mostly me reaching out. So I decided to ask him because I trust him, and maybe if he explains to me why this he thinks relationship doesn’t exist anymore, I can understand why none of my relationships exist anymore.
There’s another reason I know it’s me. And that’s because all the people I care about, I see their interactions and connection with each other. And it hurts. To see their connection and know that I can’t have it – that they have it and that it doesn’t exist for me. Especially with the people who connected because of me (I’m sure they’d have all connected without me too).
I haven’t stopped crying for an hour, I’ve been crying since some of his response to me, and, it’s good, it’s good that I’m crying, it’s good coz’ I don’t let myself cry ever, and, I care so much about everyone. And I miss everyone. I’m thinking of someone random. Who we used to be so close. I don’t know what went wrong. I feel like everyone moves on.
So why’m I upset with what he said? I’m upset because he told me that the relationship is still there, that there’s disconnect that doesn’t have to be from me, but could be from both, that the disconnect could be about protection. The main thing I’m upset about is that he said it’s still there.
Oh really? That’s why he doesn’t know that a few months back I was messing up really badly with food. That’s why he doesn’t know that I’ve been burning myself for the past month and made myself sick when I OD’d. I actually messaged him that night coz’ I hoped he’d have advice. Which is why we were messaging now. I didn’t tell him then that I OD’d and haven’t told him for it’s no longer relevant. Not like I did anything major or much, just took more than I’d planned on, and kept taking, so…..
He basically told me he knows there’s been a disconnection and that doesn’t mean he doesn’t value me. I asked him why he thinks there’s been a disconnection and he said it could be self preservation on both ends. And, it’s just pat answers. It’s not real. And I know he thinks it’s real. I know he thinks he really answered me. And he didn’t. I know that because both of us have people we connect to. And because I trust him. I trust him more than I trust most people. Because I know he’s trusted me that way. I guess that’s why it hurts so much that he didn’t really answer me. To say that he lied is way too strong for he didn’t lie. He just didn’t give me a fully honest answer.
And, I’m sad. I’m sad about everyone. I’m sad about L. A couple of years ago I was close to L. I don’t even know what our relationship was. Close enough that she started my site – elizareasonstolive.com – for me. That she set it up and did formatting and extra bits for me. It was a two way relationship. That just doesn’t exist anymore. I miss M. M who remembers all the people he joined a forum with. When he listed the people he joined the same time as he listed the group of people I joined with, just not me. He remembered them all and not me. Not that he doesn’t know me. He does. He just doesn’t recollect the fun we had together. I miss S. We used to be really close. These people are all close with each other. Not all. They’ve all moved on. They’ve moved on from me. And they’re friends with each other. Their relationships grew stronger and stronger. These are people on a forum. I miss A. I miss S. I miss F. I miss Z. The people I used to speak on the phone to every week. I still see M. M who lives in the same town as me. We built a real relationship. The others. They’ve all moved on. Some of them still speak to each other.
I can go on and on. The people I’ve met online in various places. The people I connected to. Who connected to me. Who we were building relationships. That all fizzled out. That disappeared. And I’m left holding the strings. Occasionally I reach out till to some of them. And for the most part I get puzzled responses. I actually asked C a few months ago what happened, for I was trying to understand it. She said that she thinks that relationships need work on both sides and that when they’re new they’re exciting and you’re ready to put in the work, and with us she thinks we often didn’t understand each other. Not exactly so. My relationship with her was me turning to her. And she pretty much just stopped replying. She replied less and less. And less and less. Until it took a lot for me to message her. And she still mostly didn’t respond. So it disappeared.
I would believe it could be the other person. If it happened with less people. If it
wasn’t with so many people. Like R. R was in real life. And I know that R wasn’t my fault. I know it for she left. She just disappeared and didn’t respond to my messages. But even with R I blame myself. Because I’m pretty sure she didn’t do that to every person in her life. I’m sure it was only to me. Y too. He just disappeared. I don’t know what happened. One day he was there and then he just wasn’t. Everyone – not everyone, almost everyone – just isn’t. And, when it’s people who I was turning to, I miss them, and it’s okay, I move on. When it’s people who I had a real relationship with, I miss them a whole lot more. I care about them. I worry about them. I think about them. And I wonder what happened to our relationship. I wonder what I could have done differently to prevent that disconnect. I want to know what I could have done differently because I don’t want it to keep on happening. It’s why for the most part on wordpress and SF – the 2 online platforms I use – I rarely private message or go beyond the public spaces. There’s of course the reason that I can’t really turn to people. I don’t trust people enough to be able to speak to them, themselves, and be able to turn to them, or share with them. If it’s in public, I can share in public for it’s not sharing in the same way, I’m not turning to them. And because I don’t have the energy any longer. I’ve tried so hard. I’ve built so many relationships. And they all just don’t exist. I care so much for everyone. I know M, Y, S, C and TC from 5 different places. I know them all in different ways. And I miss them all. I miss them so much that it hurts. I miss be
ing able to speak to those of them that I spoke on the phone to. I miss the banter we shared by email or forum. I miss the connection. (And I’ve stopped crying now. I feel like it’s been nearly an hour and a half) And it hurts. It hurts so much. I few months ago I tried to ask C about it – lol, for this is a different C and I’m not sure I’ll ever recall who the initials reference. And, I didn’t really get an answer. For her answer made it seem like it was me who wasn’t interested and it wasn’t me, it was her who’d stepped back. I just wanted to know why. If I did anything to cause that. And now, I’ve been thinking about it for the last few months, and thought of asking this guy, and finally I asked him. He blamed us both. There is no blame to be assigned. And I know it is my responsibility. My responsibility to do what? To fan the flames of a dying fire? That he supposedly cares about?
I don’t know anymore. I told someone online recently that I wished I’d see more of them. They messaged me privately to ask why I didn’t then ask for their info. I replied that I’m tried of building relationships to wreck them. I am tired. I am tired of caring so much about everyone I’ve connected with. I’m falling asleep as I’m writing this. I don’t think I’ll fall asleep but I’ll finish anyways.
I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say. Relationships. What about them? I don’t understand them. I have friends. I have friendships that just happened. I have good, close friends. If not for that I’d say I did’t know how to have relationships. I know I do. I just also know that most, of not all, my relationships that begin online disappear. At the same time as the relationships between these others online just grow and become more real. Not for me, though. Not for me. And I still don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Or what to do differently. So that my relationships last. And I’m not left caring about someone so much, who just doesn’t seem to care for me. Or reaching out, worrying, wondering how they are, when they’ve moved on from me, and onto other people.
I’m glad when they do that. Know that. I’m glad they’re okay and have others as part of their lives. I’m just sad that they’ve moved on without, from me. And I miss them and care about them all the time.
Love, light and glitter