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I’ve an appointment with the CMHT (community mental health team) tomorrow morning – this morning really. My alarm is set for about 6.5 hours from now.

Was messing with burning which I don’t count as burning because it doesn’t scar. Finally stopped. I don’t feel nervous at all. I guess I am in some way. Haven’t done this in ages.

Hoping and praying it goes okay. Trying to out the intention out there to the universe that the best should be.

It’s the morning after yom kippur. It’s kinda an auspicious time.

Going to try and go to sleep.

Really hoping it will be okay…. that something comes from it…

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Journaling 101 22nd Sept 20

My head’s hurting and I want to try and sleep but I need to get some stuff down. Really 2 entirely different points. I feel guilty writing on here when others may read and I’ve read about 3 posts from others in the past 3 weeks. (I usually read every post of everyone who follows me – except religious or triggering).

Today I experienced again that when I don’t feel safe I can’t drink. In this instance it was that I was thirsty and wanted a drink but was on the phone and it wasn’t safe enough to let go enough to drink. It’s not just drinking. It’s any bodily need that requires letting go. I thought some things were due to other stuff but I’m actually wondering if it’s the same point. Just something I want written down. Not looking for others to relate as I doubt anyone will.

I was rereading E’s emails. All E’s emails, or most, are as she once wrote, love letters. They’re all filled with belief in me and care. She seems to think I’m beginning to trust her words. So I was reading her emails and came across a couple emails from AH – my ex therapist. He’s still my ex therapist for he’s the only person I’ve ever done any work with (SG too. But SG I don’t consider my therapist and never have). It made me really sad to read those emails. Because, they were some of the last emails he sent to me before we crashed and burned. I always blamed him for the mess up. For therapy ending. Not that I thought I didn’t have a part to play. Far from it. My feelings on the matter was that as a therapist it was his job to contain it, and that he was reacting to me and not handling me so ultimately therapy messing up was his fault because ultimately it was his job. Seeing these emails a couple years later, I’m no longer so sure about that. I can see how he was trying to contain it. I haven’t reread through all our conversations. I can see what I knew was his rejecting me at the time, and now looking at the words objectively I can see that he said he doesn’t know I’d speaking will be safe for me. He was trying to hold it together. I’m not going to reread it now. It just made me so so sad. I remember all the emails. I don’t think all the words he said were correct. He said he was happy to keep it to email/whatsapp for that point in time. He told me he was there if I ever wanted to be in touch. I wrecked it. I shut the door. I took every word as him telling me I was too much. I’m not actually blaming myself at all. I know that I did the best I could. It took me a year to get over the wreckage of therapy. And until today I blamed him – from an objective point. Now, I saw his emails. And I don’t blame him. I wonder what it would be like to reread everything. I always said he never apologised. But in those 3 emails I saw he apologised at least twice…. I don’t know that he was wrong. For being unable to handle my reactions. Because reading his words I could see how he was trying to contain it. How he was trying to give me the safety. I know he could have Don’s things differently. I don’t know if it would have helped. I know from other therapists I’ve spoken to. I know he went above and beyond and some of the things he did most therapists wouldn’t have done. It just made me sad. So so sad. Seeing those emails. Seeing that, actually he wasn’t the reason therapy ended. I was. He was there for me. He said he was enough times. I just couldn’t hear it. That doesn’t make anything else I was upset about at the time less true. For example I said he didn’t ever understand what I said. 2 points. One, it could be he didn’t more Two, he did and I just didn’t hear it. Couldn’t. In theory when you have 2 people who are both putting their 100% in, and they’ve built a relationship – done the impossible, you’d think they could do anything. You’d think they could contain it. But I couldn’t. And he couldn’t. And seeing those emails I could see how he tried his best to. And that just makes me so sad.

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Journaling 103 (6) What do I need in order for it to change?

I dialogue journalled last night for at least a couple hours. There’s both what I need in order to stop, and what I need or needs to change so that I don’t need the destruction.

In order to stop I just need support. What that would look like is people checking in with me. Believing in me. Telling me they believe in me. I don’t mean that they need to be updated on what/why. E would do that for me. She’d email me a short couple lines every so often.. As long as she doesn’t feel responsible or see it as a burden knowing it’s okay if she doesn’t, that would be okay. I just need people to be there. E would be. I can and have asked her in the past. I don’t know who else would.

And people who’ll stay in the loop. People who’ll be happy to be in touch however often works for them. Be there in whatever way works for them… just people. I need people in my life.

Support also looks like therapy. Not to process or change anything. Just someone to be there. Who I can share all I write with. Who I can drive crazy. In the way it was with my ex therapist AH. I’d email/whatsapp him a lot. That’s really where most our communication took place.

To be able to live life without using I need to be able to handle living life. How?

Mindfulness, being present, helps lots. And lots. Which is why I’m so grateful for the MBSR course I’m doing.

ACA may help – they’re doing a 6 week introduction starting in a few weeks. It’s a 12 step programme. I just don’t have the energy to look for people who have been in ACA for over a year who are living recovery. I did try to look but can’t at the moment. I do think it’ll help some though.

Journalling. That’s actually the biggest thing. Writing helps me process my world. I’ve always been told that my writing is the best therapy. AH used to tell me that a lot upon reading what I wrote. A couple other therapists I’ve been in touch with in the past said the same. I don’t process my world through talking to others. Which is why I’ve never wanted and would never use therapy to talk or process through talking. That’s what journaling is for.

Some way of learning skills. Either with a therapist (ideally) or through workbooks. Just needs to be with someone for I won’t actually do it on my own. Skills isn’t the right word. Primarily on learning to identify, recognise, and handle emotions and feelings. At the moment I believe I’m lying whenever I say I think or feel anything. Because it doesn’t stay or isn’t true a moment later. Sometimes I do stay with what I feel. Most times I don’t. Most times as soon as I engage with whatever it is, it just isn’t there. So mindfulness helps with being present. But more than that, I need to learn what/how etc. I want to experience emotions in my body and then be able to handle them. I thought I was learning to do that. Maybe I even was. Then I decided to try destroy my life (yeah, I blame myself for the destruction). I want to stop zoning out or freaking out. Whenever I try engage with myself I either zone out or freak out – cut off or it’s beyond too much.

I’m pretty certain I live with anxiety. But if that ever comes up I’ll deal with that then. I’ll only know if I do or don’t when I live with my feelings experientially. I think I do because that’s the only physical sensation I experience – not breathing or shaking

There are 2 main things that aren’t conducive to getting to a place of okayness.

1. Living at home. Mainly refererring to my mother and special needs sister. My other sister who lives at home I’m so grateful for. Yesterday I was dialogue journalling, making a plan for what I need and how to get there etc. Because I want to stop using. I came home in middle of journalling (I was away). When I picked up journalling my response was; I don’t know if I’m ready to stop. Why? Because I need it when I’m home. Using gives me a grip and handle on my world. Not eating does too. And when I’m home I need that grip so much more. My sn sister talks pretty literally all the time. I can’t not listen to someone talking to me. She needs attention all the time. She, and my mother, just use so much energy that I don’t have spare. It’s not healthy for me to live in my room. Being with them isn’t healthy either…

Living at home I don’t have the freedom to be myself. I can’t be myself. I can’t explore or learn who I am, would be, or want to be. That’s not as much of an issue as above. It’s something I’ll have to deal with some day. Whenever I leave the culture I’m living in I’ll destroy my father. My father is a really good person who doesn’t deserve to be hurt. Again that’s not for now. There’s also a lot of pressure and constant negative feedback at home.

The other big thing is work. Work is good because it gives structure. I can give myself that structure through volunteering. It’s not good because I don’t have the headspace. I’m using all my energy to just hold onto the world. To just stay okay. To try make the right choices – and constantly feel as though I’m failing. For I’m still using and I’m destroying myself. As long as I’m destroying myself I can’t really be trying. Or I’m not trying hard enough.

I teach. If I’m not giving my students my all I’m failing them. Also, I don’t teach the easy students. I teach those who need the help and support. I teach those who need 110%. I’m finding it really hard to focus on anything at all for long. I get distracted really easily. I’m not finding it easy to concentrate. I’m not really sleeping. I don’t know. Not really a point thinking about it. For I’m going to try… try give it my all and see. I am working less hours and not doing the part of my job I did last year that I hated. I’m going to be earning very little. Definitely not earning enough as it is. I’m still paying off a course that I haven’t done. Education that I really want but have no headspace for.

So in a few lines what does this leave me with?

In order to stop I really need to have more people as a support in my life. For various reasons most my friends aren’t an option. They’re friends and I’m grateful for them. Some of them are definitely a reason I don’t want to kill myself. They’ll want me there. E will be via email. Another E who I don’t know well would be also, just dunno what to ask her for. Support as in people not only friends. If my GP puts the referral through to the HBTT (home based treatment team) it would give me the pretty much 24/7 help I’d need to handle stopping. If not, I don’t know.

Learning – mindfulness I’m doing. Hopefully will do ACA. And I don’t know. I don’t know how to learn the rest… if the NHS will offer any of it. If they don’t could ask someone I’m thinking of privately, just not relevant as long as there’s any risk factors in my life. Which as long as I’m using there are. (Food or any other self harm isn’t a risk factor in that way).

Living at home isn’t good for me but I don’t have another option at the moment. Working isn’t good for me but unless I have some way of getting money it also isn’t an option to just stop working.

Random sorta unrelated positive comment. I’m thinking of buying myself a new expensive phone. Been pushing if off in a large part because it’s a waste of time to buy it if I may not be around to enjoy it. But I will be. Or as I said to TC, I think I’ll get to 2700 gratitudes when I’m 27 (I’m writing out gratitudes, aiming for 2700 different ones for when I turn 27), and it’s kinda amazing in a neutral way that I actually envision myself turning 27.

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Journalling 103 (5) GP App and referrals

I saw my GP today. Last week wrote up with him a referral for the CMHT.

I asked him for a copy of the letter the therapist from primary care services sent to him. I called up primary care services for a copy and they told me my GP can give me a copy. Her letter was good. She was really clear about how to go further. She suggested HBTT (Home based treatment team).

I asked him about the referral. He told me he hadn’t sent any off. That he would, and he’d send it to both the CMHT (community mental health team) and HBTT along with her letter.

Reading her letter now I’m annoyed. It’s dated the 6th of July and she writes that she hopes that by the time she’s writing this letter he’s made an appointment with me and put a referral through to either CMHT or HBTT. And that if I ever want the primary goal to be to stop using – at this moment it is. I want to stop using. I’m not sure how long that will last, that I’m really ready and want to stop destroying my life – the DBT team will assess and would want either of the other services involved.

Why do I have to google it all and ask him to do the referrals? And I don’t know if anything will come of them. Her last couple paragraphs were really clear recommendations on where exactly to go from here. Her letter was, is, really good. Just nothing has been done with it until now…

I’m not sure if I should just scrap it and go privately. My problem with going privately is that I kinda want someone to be there all the time. I know I’m not going to cope when I stop taking cocodamol. And I want to stop. I’m finding it hard enough to eat as it is – this is even though I’ve been trying to eat more coz of using.

I wrote a list of what I need, what I want, and what needs to change in order to just be okay living life on life’s terms. Well, I didn’t write a list. I dialogue journalled. I’ll put it into a list as another post.

I’m tired…..

Edit. He said my blood results were all okay except fat something which is normal when haven’t been eating enough, and muscles. I think I may have a muscle issue as it is but I can’t know if they’re lower than they would be, so some day can check them again.

As I walked out I said to him that I can’t stop using until he’s done this because I can’t stop without having any support in place. (It’s just not possible).

Had a staff meeting today. Was freaking out for most of it. Not sure how it will be to be back at work next week. It could be really good for me. Or it could be a spectacular fail. I’m keeping an open mind to what’s possible.

I was trying to and want to make a plan. I don’t know if there’s any point trying to plan how to go forward, what I need or don’t need, if I don’t know whether anything will come of these referrals.

Posted on by E · 33 Comments

Random.

Today was a calmer day. Used less cocodamol. Swept a bit the mess I made last night with what I did. Ate too much (for what I feel I should eat. Honestly I’m also grateful I ate more than I wanted to). Not sure how come I’ve used less but I did. Tried to get through to my GP but didn’t manage to – he wasn’t in. I told the secretary I think it’s negligent of him. She didn’t disagree with me (she was drained by my persistence, I think I drove her a bit mad, and there wasn’t anything she could even do but I’m glad she understood me at the end and agreed with me). Even though it’s nearly 3am and I should be sleeping. I’m grateful I didn’t freak out at all today. I’m grateful for all of you who’ve been here – I didn’t expect it and really appreciate it. I’m grateful for E’s email today checking up on me. I hadn’t even told her about last night- she can’t handle me telling her what I’m doing to myself and knowing there is nothing she can do. Grateful for TCs minute phone call to say hi. Tried to find people in ACA who have real recovery, not just newcomers. Going to look on instagram tomorrow. Hoping it’s not as hot. Heat exacerbates dizziness. As does not enough food. I rather not be dizzy. Looking forward to course starting Thursday. Theoretically it’s tomorrow.

Today had responsibility given to me, that I felt I had to take, that wasn’t mine. Is in no way mine. Took 3 hours of my time. It’s a perfect example to bring to someone and ask them what exactly my responsibility is. There are 2 people I would ask to discuss it with. Really I’d ask them if they knew who I could and hope they’d say themselves. But both of them are people I need advice from about my life. Who after I speak to my GP – is that ever going to happen – I want to run what he says by them and ask them for their advice. So I don’t want to use them now as I won’t be able to then. Actually that is even factual not just about me thinking I’m using them.

Love, light and glitter

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58720 – Do I want therapy?

So, I spoke this woman. She seemed nice. For a referral from a year or so ago. I don’t know if I want therapy. I don’t know what I want. I know that I should be open to the messages the universe sends to me. It, and the next couple appointments are just assessing to see whether this service can offer me what I want. If they can’t it’ll be another waiting list, which I don’t know if I can be bothered for.

What do I want?

My pretty immediate goals – not specifically for therapy, but for myself in life – are: to know what I feel when I feel it and have the ability to handle it – the mind/body connection. I’m present in the world. I never used to be. It’s something I’m so grateful for. To be present. I’m constantly grateful that I’m no longer doubting my own existence or wondering if I’m living in a dream. I doubt myself. I doubt my thoughts. I doubt what I say. Because I don’t feel it, it’s fleeting. It can change. If I start shaking I can just stop. If I’m freaking out I can cut off. Or, I do. I cut off and tune out and it’s never a choice. But it’s not tuning out of the world. It’s tuning out from myself. So that’s one thing I want from therapy. The mind/body connection.

I doubt my boundaries. I think I have boundaries but I doubt it constantly. I wish there were some way of just knowing. And I want to be able to keep my own boundaries with someone specific in my life. I find it really hard to let go of responsibility that isn’t mine. I’m doing it. I’m letting go. It takes a lot of processing until I get to that place of knowing that ‘This is not my responsibility. This is not mine to carry. It hurts to see. It hurts to do nothing. There is nothing I can do but be there.’ Which I am. I’m there. It’s easier to be there for others than yourself.

I’d love to know what I want from life and where I’m heading. I feel like I should at this age know what I want, and should know where I’m heading, like I should have some even if very vague plan. I don’t follow through. Don’t have stickivitus. Motivation is doing something even if you don’t want to. I just need to do anyways. Very easy to say, much harder to actually do. Hey, I’m doing that with running, even when it’s really tough. Which means I should get up.

Something to think about for next week is whether I want therapy, and if I do what kinda therapy I want.

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I miss AH

I miss AH (ex-therapist). I would love to send him a whatsapp message saying so. I can’t for it wouldn’t be healthy for me. He’d actually be touched to know that I miss him. If he even remembers me. I wonder what would happen if I would. He’d either ignore it or ask me if I wanted to meet with him. I can’t meet him again for therapy was wrecked, it ended as a mess, from both parts. There’d be so much to make okay. And all the very real issues I had with him would still be there, although, actually maybe not. Maybe if I’d be able to communicate what they were, we’d be able to work through them so that he wouldn’t be responding or not responding in that way, so that he’d be giving what I needed. Anyways it’s not relevant to go off and wonder what would happen for it’s not about to happen. I’d love to one day meet with him again, but that’s not today. That’s not until I’d really be okay with it. Which isn’t relevant.

I miss AH.

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I think I feel sad

I think I feel sad. I don’t know how to define what I feel. But I feel something (which is actually a pretty big deal for me). I think it’s sad.

There’s so much on my mind. This morning I sat down to journal, but I just didn’t know what to write. Same with last night. Sometimes writing here is easier.

I’m feeling alone. I am alone. Some people went out without me – not wrong of them, no space, but means that my plan to go out with these people in the afternoon today didn’t happen. I was actually good and went out. I had the car for about an hour. Really 1.5. I went out when I had it for 40 minutes. I knew where I was going to go – to a poundshop in a shopping centre that I like. 10 minute drive there. 15 minutes there. 10 minute drive back. As soon as I got in the car I decided that I’d change the destination and instead stop off at pharmacies to buy cocodamol. I didn’t. I mean that I didn’t stop off. I kept driving (gosh, that was really hard to do). Went to this shopping centre. Reverse parked and actually landed up in the lines of the space! I bought some books that were on offer and were pretty expensive. I don’t usually pay such money for books that I’ll read once and then give away. I chose to now because I do need books to read and I was going to spend the money on cocodamol. It’s not like buying it now would stop me buying it later – meaning it’s not like the same money will be spent later. Whatever I buy wouldn’t be enough, for if I ever go back to using, if I don’t want to end it after 2 weeks I’d need thousands. So I have books and apple tango here.

It was interesting to drive. That’s when I decided that I think I’m sad. I’m cold. Really cold. Because it IS cold. At least I feel cold :). I keep on turning the heating up to 25 (degrees celsius) and someone keeps on turning it back down to 20/21.

I spoke to RR on Friday for a couple of minutes. I password protected the post where I explained what/why with him, if you want the password just ask (elizareasonstolive at gmail.com. And I actually put my non-blog email address there at first!). He answered me. Sort of. Meaning he explained himself. He didn’t fully tell me what had happened between him and D. How it came to be. He said D had asked him (RR) about helping me and that D figured out funding as he – RR – didn’t have a way to. RR had offered to get me help. He didn’t remember whether D came to him before that or after that. He didn’t tell me as he knew I’d very likely not go through with it if I knew and he didn’t feel he could risk that. I probably wouldn’t have gone through with it. I’d probably never have spoken to AH had I known. AH did help me. Then AH left, I’ve no clue why AH left and at this point I’m finally okay with it, I think of AH in a cute way. Often remember him and I know AH would actually get a kick out of the random times I think of him – which isn’t relevant as I’m not in touch with him after it ended between us.

I spent hours on Friday journaling it through. Maybe only an hour. The up and down side of it is, RR lied to me. He broke my trust knowing how important trust is tome. He actually said that to me on Friday. That he knows just how vital trust is to me (and how little I trust anyone). If there was anyone I trusted, it was him. Yet he lied to me.

He knew the reasoning I wouldn’t have gone ahead with it had I known D was involved. And he knew that the reasoning was valid. D had called AH before I ever spoke to him (AH let me know a few months down the line, and told me the conversation, what he thought of it, and that he’d refused to speak to him). RR knew – and probably understood my reasoning too. It’s not like it makes a difference, for being that it happened this way, I’m not obligated in any of the ways D would have felt I would be.

RR lied to me. It doesn’t hurt me at all. I don’t know what it did on Friday – I spent the evening half in tears. I decided that for shabbat I’d engage with my family. I could isolate myself or I could engage with them. I did. I read a bit in my room but for at least half of the day I was with them. Was up half the night but eventually slept. I still don’t know what I think.

RR missed out some information. He told me on Wednesday that D was involved in helping find AH. He didn’t say that on Friday. He didn’t tell me what that means. He didn’t tell me why he thought that was okay. RR told me he was going to arrange it. Which means that D shouldn’t have been involved there. I want RR to tell me how involved, involved means. And I don’t even care for the information so I’m not sure if I should even ask. If it was the information I cared for I have other people to ask. Someone else who either knew or looked too. By the way, I don’t mean that D was involved afterwards, I mean beforehand. Afterwards, it was always through RR. I explained to RR that it’s not that I actually care so much what happened, but that I need him to be honest with me. I don’t know. For today I’m not asking him anything more. I don’t know if I’m okay with him not giving me the details of what happened or not. I don’t know if it’s relevant or if by thinking about it I’m making it into an issue that it doesn’t need to be. I don’t want to speak to anyone else about it for I’m scared that if I speak to someone else who knows what happened, that she’ll contradict what RR told me. I don’t really think RR lied to me on Friday, but still. Or I don’t think he intentionally lied to me. He lied to me. He took my trust and shattered it into itsy, bitsy pieces. He betrayed me. I honestly feel nothing at all about it. Which is okay. Everything always takes me forever to process. I find it strange how I was in tears on Friday and so couldn’t handle it, when, I’ve known for at least a month. I sorta knew for a year and a half. A year and a half ago AH told me that D had called him. I knew then that RR had been in touch with D (and that obviously D had been involved as presumably RR wouldn’t just give D the info). I decided not to know. Then a couple of months ago it came to mind and I cared. I’ve known since then. Really known I mean. But somehow RR actually telling me he knowingly lied/with-held information from me, knowing just how important trust is to me, makes it all the more real.

I think I feel sad. At the moment I feel nothing at all. But some of the moments, the moments I sense something other than nothing, I think that’s sadness (it’s not the pit in my stomach which I usually think means I’m nervous for something, or the shaking/choking/constriction which is often enough and enough people have described as anxiety – which either it is or isn’t).

(thank you google images)