I began writing about saying no. And I wanted to continue it.
I said no. I actually said no.
It’s both strange, and awesome. Amazing that I put myself first.
I was asked to do something really small. It wasn’t really what I was asked to do that was hard. It was that she constantly calls me. That she can call me 5 times in a day. Every time she needs my help. It’s too much. It was the way she’d tell me not to worry when I couldn’t help. It was too much for me. So this time when she asked I said no. When the other day she asked if I can check something up on the internet I told her that I wouldn’t be able to do anything on the internet for her.
I called my friend E to tell her that I said no. E said that she thinks I always felt responsible for others happiness. I think it’s more than that. I’ve felt responsible for their lives. When S said she was going to kill herself, that meant it’s my responsibility for her to live.
I’ve always been responsible. Not for peoples happiness. For their okayness. So when said friend needed something, I had to do it. Because it’s my responsibility.
Which of course. It isn’t.
A person can only carry a certain amount of responsibility. When I took responsibility for everyone I never took any responsibility for myself. Over the past couple years I’ve been letting go of the responsibility I was holding for others and taking responsibility for myself. Then finding the balance of still asking for help because when I took responsibility for myself I had to go to the other extreme first. Hey. I think I’m actually doing that. Not that I can easily ask for help. I can’t. I can accept help and take responsibility for myself.
So the instagram post I shared above is really why I started writing this. I just haven’t actually done so. I guess I’ll continue in another post as this is too disjointed.