Overthinking
She says I overthink
She doesn’t know the half
She says I overthink
She’s not there
The nights I send myself into a dizzy
She doesn’t see
The times I make myself oh so dizzy
And she says I overthink
She says I overthink
She doesn’t even know
The tailspin
Which my mind can go
I journal it through
To put some of it down
When it’s on paper
It stops it going aroun’
And she says I overthink
She says I overthink.
I wonder what she’d say
If she were there through the night
The nights I can’t make it stop
Though I use all my might
The nights I keep on freaking
Though I keep up the fight
Would she still say I overthink
Or know that doesn’t begin to describe
The mess my head can be
When it hurts for me to abide
Would she say I overthink still
When I just want to go to bed
When I wish I could stop the words spinning
Round and round in my head
When I try my best to replace it
With anything else in its’ stead
She says I overthink
Do I overthink I wonder
Does that even begin to describe
The storm gone asunder
She says I overthink.
She says I overthink.
What do words mean to you?
Words
Words
So many words
They dance
They twirl
They flit
They swirl
The words
Words
So many words
Jumping
Playing
Laughing
Running
These words
Words
So many words
As the letters
Come together
In my head
One after
Another
Words
Words
So many words
Reblog: Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks on difference
The test of faith is whether I can make space for difference. Can I recognize God’s image in someone who is not in my image, whose language, faith, ideal, are different from mine? If I cannot, then I have made God in my image – Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks zt”l, 1948-2020
Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks on difference
Thanks for sharing this!
I love this quote. It bothers me a lot when people judge others and don’t accept them. Be whomever you want to be. And accept others. If you believe in any consciousness or source of the universe you’ll believe we’re all the same energy. We’re all one. No matter the differences.
Rest in peace. Baruch Dayan Haemet.
Relationships, boundaries, and responsibility 3
Saying yes, taking responsibility, gave me the right to exist. K, so I’m speculating here, but I’m trying to put my thoughts into words, and either it’s true, or it’s not. I’m going to put it down. And it could be I’ll turn around one day and say that this is nonsense.
I grew up feeling responsible for others.
I grew up feeling guilty for existing. The guilt comes from the fact that through existing, by living, I’m hurting others. That’s not just speculation or a kids thoughts. It’s still the reality today. By existing I’m hurting someone. By living I have hurt people. Not through anything I did. Just through existing. One of those people have changed a lot. I no longer hurt her through my existence. I’m not blaming myself here. I never did anything wrong. That person was threatened by my existence. I did nothing to cause that. It was her issue. She’s changed. The person I still hurt through existing has special needs, mental health difficulties etc and will not be able to change. The fact is I hurt her by living. I don’t think I feel guilty for it any longer. I used to. By now I know it’s not my problem. There are others I hurt by being me. It’s not my existence that hurts them, but that I’m me. And if I ever truly live my own life I’ll really hurt my parents.
The guilt for living has played a big role in my life. I still don’t believe I’m allowed to exist, however I don’t feel guilty for those people.
I’m wondering if giving to others, being whatever others needed me to be, justified my existence somewhat. I’m here, and I shouldn’t be here, because I’m hurting people, their lives would be better without me, if I’m making other peoples lives better, maybe it balances that out. Makes it somewhat okay that I’m living, even though I shouldn’t be. Balances out the pain I’m causing to others.
The only problem there lies that giving gives meaning to my life. I love giving to others. Not because I have to. Not because it justifies my existence. But because I love giving.
When I said that saying no goes against my nature R’R commented nature or conditioning?
I think both. Conditioning is that I’m not allowed to exist. Nature is I love to give. Whether by nature or by nurture I feel others. Whether that’s inherent or something I had to develop or both. When I was speaking to E she told me about her arm hurting. I felt the pain in my own arm. Not physically, but yes physically. I don’t know how to explain it. Her pain hurt me. I don’t really know what physical agony feels like. I know I’ve experienced physical agony – when I got burned (I’d say burned myself but that sounds like I caused it. Someone dropped a pot. Thankfully of water!!!!! It could have been the oil pot…) and my arm was debrided – do not google. I wrote a poem then about pain. I don’t recall the pain. I recall hating others doing things for me. I couldn’t do anything because I couldn’t use my arm at all…
I feel others pain. I want to take their pain and take it away from them. I feel others pain too much. It’s funny how I so feel others pain yet cannot feel anything about or for myself. Though then again my life was a pretty calm, good life.
Anyways, the point I was making is that I love to give. And that giving gives meaning to my life. And that I wonder if giving was a way for me to justify my existence.
This is also why I think I don’t ADHD. Because I go back to what I started off with. A past friend once said to me that she loved how though I’d jump from A, to B, to C, I’d always go back to A, to B, to C.
Relationships, boundaries and responsibility 2
I began writing about saying no. And I wanted to continue it.
I said no. I actually said no.
It’s both strange, and awesome. Amazing that I put myself first.
I was asked to do something really small. It wasn’t really what I was asked to do that was hard. It was that she constantly calls me. That she can call me 5 times in a day. Every time she needs my help. It’s too much. It was the way she’d tell me not to worry when I couldn’t help. It was too much for me. So this time when she asked I said no. When the other day she asked if I can check something up on the internet I told her that I wouldn’t be able to do anything on the internet for her.
I called my friend E to tell her that I said no. E said that she thinks I always felt responsible for others happiness. I think it’s more than that. I’ve felt responsible for their lives. When S said she was going to kill herself, that meant it’s my responsibility for her to live.
I’ve always been responsible. Not for peoples happiness. For their okayness. So when said friend needed something, I had to do it. Because it’s my responsibility.
Which of course. It isn’t.
A person can only carry a certain amount of responsibility. When I took responsibility for everyone I never took any responsibility for myself. Over the past couple years I’ve been letting go of the responsibility I was holding for others and taking responsibility for myself. Then finding the balance of still asking for help because when I took responsibility for myself I had to go to the other extreme first. Hey. I think I’m actually doing that. Not that I can easily ask for help. I can’t. I can accept help and take responsibility for myself.
So the instagram post I shared above is really why I started writing this. I just haven’t actually done so. I guess I’ll continue in another post as this is too disjointed.
Relationships, boundaries, responsibility
I’ve been meaning to write for a while. I’m in that space where I haven’t been posting on instagram either. There’s so much to say. And. I don’t know. Too much. It’s after midnight. I should be going to sleep. And I hate posting on these days because Friday is a kindness post and Sunday is a sunshine post. I want to keep it that way.
I want to wrote properly but will share a couple Instagram posts about responsibility. That’s really what I wanted to write about anyways. I was hoping that if I start writing about it here I’d be able to formulate my thoughts, my words, a lil bit more.
I’m sharing the posts in chronological order. I hope to be able to write more sometime as it’s through putting it down that I’ve begun to understand it. Maybe I’ll write another post (Haha for I’ll share them again for making it make sense to me).
And this is something I often feel.
