At the moment…

I’m not rereading this. Blaming it on the hour.

Trigger warning.

I just want to put this down.

Today has been long. R’R asked a charity here if they can help. Why does he care??? So had work this morning, then filled out this online link, work, people.

Then. Last week I took a blood test. To get a blood test done I had to get a dr to request it so spoke to a GP in the surgery, not my GP, but one who is actually really nice. Had the blood test the next day. That night the out of hours surgery called to tell me that my paracetamol levels were high (well, duh), and it took me a while to tell them to leave the info with my GP. That freaked me out and, that night I knew I’d be dead sooner rather than later.

I asked S if she could do some energy work. I’m assuming it helped because come a couple days ago, life seems possible. Doable. Not just ‘I don’t want to hurt others through dying but death is inevitable’, but, ‘maybe life could be possible’.

This afternoon, just after I got home from school, the dr I spoke to last week called me. She said that one of the liver enzymes are high. She said whatever she said, I can’t recall the conversation, just that she would think I should go to the A&E. To make sure the damage isn’t irreparable. I told her to speak to my GP. I had planned on calling him today but didn’t as I knew she was going to.

And just.

Why now?

And I don’t care.

And I don’t know what I want.

So there’s a few points.

Death would hurt people. It would hurt those who would miss me if I were gone. There are some people I haven’t been in touch with much because I didn’t want there to be such a large gap in their lives when I left them. It would hurt those who feel guilty (though they should know I’d be at peace). It’d hurt those it would trigger.

Meaning to life for me is giving. There are so many dreams I’ve always had about making the world a better place.

Those 2 points are on the side of life.

I don’t know what the rest of the blood results were. I don’t know how high. I do know with certainty that going to the hospital would be the worst thing possible for me. I wouldn’t handle it well. It’d wreck my life, and the reasons on lifes side, which I’ve chosen, would be meaningless.

Then, after 5, I looked at my emails. And saw a response from the online service. It was a really gorgeous response, and wasn’t in response to what I’d written there, but to what R had passed on (in the online form you were meant to write 50 words or so. So I only wrote a couple sentences). With an offer to speak. Or chat online. At around 4. Which was past. I replied only a couple sentences that both work because I wanted the response to potentially go through before the end of the day. Trying to write a proper response would take hours. And now I don’t feel I can write a proper response for I’ve responded. And I don’t know if it’s the same person who will see it. Either way. I’m grateful they responded. And no clue where it will lead.

Found the day weird. It’s ironic. That. On Monday I reached out to 2 people for help. I find reaching out hard because, well asides for knowing no one cares and I don’t deserve it and all that, there’s the entire I need to take responsibility for my own life thing. I can’t just find the balance and ask for help because I never took responsibility until recently and I don’t know how to do this thing.

So I think there are 2 charities here that may actually help. And work has started. And I’m trying to stay okay. And get to a better place. And now I’m told that one of the liver enzymes may be high? Like, what? Why now?? And why now when I’ve actually been taking less. Well actually, I don’t know if I have been. I don’t know. It’s just. It’s just.

Some of what I ordered for people last week came today (I want them to have mementos. Know I love them always). When I saw it this morning I was like, kay. Now I want them to get them already. And need to get stuff for those I didn’t get anything for. I want them to know I love them always. Always and forever.

My day has been such a mixture.

On the one hand is all the above. On the other hand I spent my day in a really productive way, work, family, time with a gorgeous child, out with a friend, out with a workmate/friend, lift to my mother, phone to a friend, reading, now writing this at 2am. Productive. Healthy. Good things. And I don’t know. This drs call earlier freaked me out. Seeing I’d missed the message from the charity made me sad. And I say ‘sad’ when honestly I feel nothing at all.

An online ‘friend’ messaged me how my insights during this time really help her. Funny.

Tomorrow is another day.

When there’s nothing to say…

Trigger warning suicidality.

… the past week has been chaotic. Chaotic is an understatement. And there is no way I’d ever write in public what I’m thinking or doing at the time. I wouldn’t even wrote it in password protected posts. Because they could be read. Even though I know most people don’t read them. And I’m rambling about absolutely nothing. For there’s just nothing to say. But I want to out this down.

Trigger warning.

Today’s calmer.

Yesterday’s been calmer.

Do I really want to put it into words?

I don’t know what I’m doing here. I don’t really understand how come I’m still here. I didn’t do anything. But. I don’t know.

In my head I planned what’s going to be with my money. The messages I’d leave for people to get 3 months later.

You know when you’re choosing to live but death is an inevitability regardless of your choice not to die? Or you don’t know.

I wrote myself a letter. One of those nights. And what I found, still find, so incredible, is how I can be so positive and hopeful on the one hand, and on the other hand prepare stuff for when death is inevitable.

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Life is a journey. Definitely calmer after writing this letter. No clue how long it'll last. I'm believing it will be okay. I'm choosing to believe that it will be okay. I'm choosing to believe I won't end it. As I said a while ago, if god wants me to die, I've given enough opportunities for that to happen, nothing I do will cause death if I'm meant to live. So I may as well not do anything on that end. I'm choosing to believe in hope. I'm choosing to believe in possibility. I'm choosing to believe in life. It hurts. It doesn't feel like it hurts but I know that it does. How profound is that??? Life is a journey. I didn't ask to be on this journey. Yet I am here. I don't want to be. But I am. There's something I've been doing that scares me. Some of my thoughts scare me. The planning. The planning. The planning. I haven't done this in years. Or 3 years. When I got past this place then, I never dreamt of coming back here. Yet here I am. And. And there's nothing really to say. Just live with it. I guess that says it all. Just live with it. Until I can get to another side. Dare I say, until I will get to another side. #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #jewishmentalhealth #jews4mentalhealth #jewishgirl #jewish #jewishblogger #suicidalideation #suicidalthoughts #suicidality #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpdrecovery #bipolarwarrior #therapistsofinstagram #innerchild #lettertomyself #journaling #journaltherapy #innerchildhealing #innerchildwork #selfdestruction #selfharmrecovery #attachmenttrauma #oding #deathvslife #adultchildrenofalcoholics #acoa #addictionsucks #addictionrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery

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I just reread that. And it says it all. The hope. The opposite. The everything. Just the everything.

I haven’t been reading most posts on here. I’ve been writing letters as a distraction. They just say hello. If you want a letter email me your address – if you’re less phobic then I who does not give out my address. Not that I care if you’re an axe murderer and cone and shoot me in the night. Do axe murderers use guns?

I’ve ordered a number of gifts for the people I care about. They don’t feel as necessary. Last week, if you asked me, I would gave told you that give me 3 weeks and I’m not here. Not by choice. Never a choice to die. I don’t want to hurt others that way. It’ll hurt so many. R’R said I’m talking like when a kid does something accidentally on purpose. I don’t know how to describe the lack of choice. Of choosing one thing, or choosing not something when it’s inevitable however much you may go against it. Like saying gravity ain’t a force. Choosing not to let gravity pull you to the ground yet however much you hold yourself up you know gravity will win.

Death doesn’t seem as much like gravity today. Like, maybe I’ll be here in 2 weeks.

I called the CMHT to ask when an outpatient assessment is meant to be. The person who answered said they haven’t made an appointment and don’t have any until February anyways. Is that okay? If I don’t get a letter with a date in a month I should call again. I just put down. I couldn’t speak. Speaking is always hard. And what was I meant to say? I’ll be dead in 2 weeks, never mind 4 weeks, so you may as well not bother wasting paper or ink on an appointment letter. I’ll spare you the resources.

There’s a reason I’m going through the CMHT. Asides that any professional I called is either not available, or is fazed by this, or ‘doesn’t do therapy when the therapist will have to work hard’. That’s because most therapists don’t offer crisis management as the main thing. I don’t want traditional therapy. And. If I stop ODing I’m not going to cope. I can’t use therapy. I don’t do talking because it’s not safe. I use writing to process, except I haven’t been writing much as I didn’t want a record of anything. I didn’t want anyone to know I knew I’d die. I don’t want them to hurt even more. Not just would death hurt, but that ‘could they have done anything’. Now that I’m not going to die I can write it. I don’t know.

I spoke to R’R. He got in touch with a charity for me. No clue if they’ll be able to help. He said he cares. I didn’t tell him I don’t believe him for I don’t think it’s fair to him to do that. Tried to get through to my GP to ask him to call the CMHT but haven’t yet gotten through.

Work starts tomorrow. I can’t face it. I’ve been taking less. It’s less of a need. SG did some energy work for me. I texted her when I was freaking out asking if there’s anything she could do. I wonder if that’s the cause of the shift. Of the being okay being here. Of not needing to take as much so constantly. Still buying lots more coz need to be able to if I want to.

And that’s it basically. My world. Which seems to expand and contract and expand and contract. I’ve no clue what of anything is real. I wonder if in April I really was in a better place. Or not at all. And there’s been chantelle during the past few months too. Change that seems meaningless.

Boundaries. I’ve been keeping boundaries much more, and in a much healthier way.

Responsibility. I always took responsibility for others and no responsibility for myself. Then I took responsibility for myself so couldn’t ask others for help because I’m meant to be taking responsibility… I’ve been reaching out. Which isn’t me at all. I was freaking out earlier so called a friend and asked her to talk to me (could never tell her what I was freaking about). And. It helped.

Compassion vs guilt. I’m guilting myself less. Accepting what my reality is more. Like when I’m freaking. Instead of why’m I freaking, being okay that I am. Not adding on the additional guilt (that doesn’t take away the core guilt I live with).

Relationships. In the past few months there are 3 people I’ve really built healthy relationships with. My sister. 2 friends. One of my friends, I’ve gotten to know her children during this time.

I’ve really become okay with what I want, where I stand, re judaism and the culture (I hate the culture. Hate is way too tame to describe the abhorrence, detestation and all it brings up. I wonder if there’s such a thing as religious trauma…). Yet. I’m okay with it. When others bash the culture I can see how their experiences aren’t everyone’s. I can and do see the extremities. And how the culture and the religion of the culture is so different to Judaism. I don’t know what life I’m going to lead with it. If I live long enough to ever get that far. I’m okay with separating it. I love what I see. I love the connection I can’t tune into (because what do I tune into ever?)

My world is a mass of contradictions. That’s another thing I’ve learnt over the past few months of living with destruction. That there is an AND and both can be, and are, true.

Going to end with this image I made. I know this is too long for most to read. Which is why it’s for me. I’m grateful for this space for myself.

E

In a years time I want to…

I’d appreciate thoughts. I think I’m being really realistic here although it’s noncomprehensive as was just writing (I can only ‘just write’, I don’t know how to edit or alter what I say. I only know how to just let my pen or in this case finger talk). I think it’s realistic because I didn’t say anything non doable. I know not all of it is in my control. I know it’s up to the universe to send me whatever whenever (that I’m saying that is awesome. Every single time I see a future I think I’m amazing I say that, because so much I’m also not doing because I might not be here so shouldn’t waste/bother). Anyways, was just meant to say that I’d appreciate thoughts. Coz can add or take away from this.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFNxp6fD5MN/?igshid=1j4u5bmbev0vn

Today was another long day (well, every day is at the moment. With a lot of flipping back and forth because the smallest things change modes. Sis stressed me out and wasn’t handling. Journalled and was calm. Freaking coz not sure. Spoke to R which was good. Constantly back and forth….. makes it long…).


I’ve read and really appreciate all your comments on my blog even though I haven’t responded to any or read any posts here (I did read one. Sunshine and Fak ones I schedule). Thank you for being here.

💕 Be living without self destruction 
💕 Be present always
💕Be practicing mindfulness daily - a min or two a day counts
💕 Have a support system
💕 Have more friends
💕 Be keeping boundaries with those people who I'm still struggling so much with.
💕 Live in a world of colour
💕 Be able to stay with a mood instead of so easily spiralling
💕 Be journalling still!
💕 Have changed more self talk (I've stopped saying I hate myself).
💕 Be buying and planning for the future rather than not wanting to waste money on what I might not be here for
💕 Be present in my body
💕 Experience emotions - at least more than I do now.
💕 Still be in touch with R, M, M
💕 Have gotten past 2700 gratitudes!
💕 Live without the need to harm
💕 Get to at least 100 reasons
💕 Have set up Letters of Hope
💕 Have moved out
💕 Have a plan for studying if I haven't continued with what I started.
💕 Be living without ED behaviours. 
💕 Keep accepting myself
💕 Connect to a source and be further forging my own path not bound to anything I was raised with.
💕 Be fully taking responsibility for my life.
💕 Continuing to learn to let go of responsibility that is not mine.
💕 Embrace myself and allow others to embrace me.

Journaling 103 (10) Trigger Warning

Wrote this for an Instagram story.

It feels like too much. With details why.

Edit. MBSR course going well. Weeks been way too hard (as all those whose posts I always comment on – I tend to comment on every post of my folliqers/following will know I haven’t been reading much). CMHT app in 2.5 weeks. Had my friends sign up for the MBSR course. Work has been okay – I think I made a new friend. Freaking out at the moment. Not because tuning out. Trying to journal and do mindfulness every day. Know for sure talk therapy isn’t for me. ACA meeting was good. It’s, just is. Too much. But just is. Dunno where too much with paracetamol lies for it doesn’t feel anything. Haven’t bought any cocodamol this week (which is why I’ve been taking paracetamol). Update over. Oh, and I’m going down to a family meal with guests now where going to be light and easy and friendly.

F:AK – protecting a car from the rain

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I parked my car in an outdoor lot. I forgot to roll up my window, because my mind, as always, must’ve been on other things. I came back a long time later — many, many, many days later. Look what a perfect stranger had done for me, in my absence. ⁠ +⁠ Look at the beautiful poem of love that is this note: “Your window was down and the rain was coming. I did my best to help you out. xx — The green truck next to you.” ⁠ +⁠ By the time I saw this note, the green truck was long gone. I will never know who did this for me. But I love you. Thank you for taking the time to do this kind act for a stranger. I’m sitting here in my parked car, unable to drive because there are tears in my eyes. ⁠ +⁠ I am reminded once more of this sacred truth: Never doubt that thousands of invisible hands are helping you at all times. Love is everywhere, even if you can’t see it. The tenderest care will arrive when you least expect it, and from someone whose name you may never know. Thank you, Green Truck. Thank you.⁠ –⁠ via: Elizabeth Gilbert / Facebook⁠ •••⁠ @globalpositivenews⁠ @globalpositivenews⁠ @globalpositivenews⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ #caring #heartwarming #positivepsychology #globalpositivenews #news #somegoodnews #tanksgoodnews #Positivenews #positivenergy #positivity #onemillionactsofgood⁠ #mademecry #imnotcrying #imnotcryingyouarecrying⁠ #kindness #kindnessmatters #randomactsofkindness #actsofkindness #helpingothers #kindstranger

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What acts of kindness have you seen or done recently? What can you do for someone today?

MBSR (3) – Mindfulness and grounding

Mindfulness attitudes - Beginner’s Mind or Curiosity, Patience, Non-judging, Non-striving, Kindness and Compassion towards ourselves and others, Trust, Acceptance or Allowing, Letting Go 

What does mindfulness mean?

What is mindfulness?

What does mindfulness do?

The way I’d put it simply is being present. To be mindful is to be aware. To be present. Am some people think mindfulness is the same as meditation. Meditation is focus and stillness and is really a different ballgame. It’s got some similarities though. They’re both being present. Being aware. Just being. Just living.

When I’m mindful, aware of what is at this moment, I’m going to be living with my primary experiences, rather than secondary, tertiary or can’t remember what Greg told me. He told me quadary experience – whatever the right word is.

I’ve gone off on a tangent.


I find mindfulness to be grounding. Because I’m doing this course and trying to choose something to be mindful with, and of course I didn’t choose my daily activity because in the same way I’m rambling here and probably making you dizzy with the spinning and jumping and run on ness why would I think of one specific activity and as if I’d even remember during that one activity and then I’d anyways have to choose a different one so I’m doing that now as it is and don’t worry I’ll repeat this…


Mindfulness. Being present. If you read my trigger warning post – I’m intentionally not linking – you’ll understand what I mean. I’m grounding myself a lot. Focusing on where exactly my body is in space and time. Being aware of myself in my body. Being aware of my body in the world. Tuning into it. Tuning into what is going on. Like the sound of the cars and the annoying squeak of the light.

I’m finding it grounding. Because I’m trying to tune in. I’m intentionally tuning in often. Which i definitely think is a good thing.

It’s quite funny to write this, how taking the course is helping me, because we’re meant to listen to a guided mindfulness (which is guided imagery, or guided presentness) once a day. Being that I’m listening to the body scans in bed I try listen to another one during the day too. Anyways, I find it really hard to focus. I’m distracted the entire time. It takes till the end of the recording for me to actually be focusing on it.

I guess I’m saying that in some ways I’m not doing this being mindful well at all. And yet I am. So I’m not able to focus through the recordings… I focus for a few seconds at a time if you’re lucky. And I’m grounding myself lots. And lots. Which I definitely need at the moment….

I didn’t plan on writing this about me. Just about how mindfulness can be grounding and can be used as a tool to remember to be aware of where one is in space and time. To tune into the reality and help one be present. But this is what is 🙂

I’d definitely recommend mindfulness. But if you do a course research it. I did one through other places which were a waste of time. MBSR is a great one. You can do it for free online at Palouse MBSR Course. I wouldn’t have the motivation. You can google it. If you’re in England a lot of MIND charities offer it subsidised or for free. I’ve seen some great and some nonsense books. I like the first page of Mind Calm.

Love, light and glitter.

Is honesty a negative thing?

On being genuine. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not.

I can’t live with or handle anything at all incongruent. Or, I find it hard to reconcile. I had a workmate who became a close friend. Then we lost touch because she was so busy. She’d call me if she needed anything. I eventually learned that I can’t count on her as a friend. Then I learned and saw that she feels really close to me still. I find it really hard to understand that.

I say what I think. When I try to sugarcoat it I trap myself. I just say what I think. And I don’t think it’s problematic because I’m just sharing my truth. I’m sharing the reality. Not just as I see it but as it is. So if I’m talking to my family I’ll tell them the what and why – unless I think it’s detrimental, then I won’t.

I’m just honest. That doesn’t mean I never lie to protect myself. And when I have lied or do anything that goes against any of my values it’s really jarring for me. I find it really hard to reconcile it. Lotsa black and white thinking here too. All or nothing. If it’s one it’s not the other.

I’m writing this, thinking about it, because of something I can’t write about as I’ll risk hurting someone I care about. I just see how I’ve gone to an extreme. How I can’t handle what to me is incongruent. How I was honest and I don’t know whether genuinity is a good thing.

I don’t know whether being me is a good thing. I feel like how I do with being so straight is hurt myself and others. I can’t live untrue to my values and beliefs. I’m going to destroy some people by bring true to myself. I mean that in a very real way. Obviously it’s going to be too bad. But if I could live without the genuineness there wouldn’t be all that collateral damage. The knowing that one day I’m going to be destroying some people, that now I’m living a lie for my own gain and in order not to hurt them. Someonce once told me it’s not. That was before I knew the choices I have made, life I am living, choices I will make. It is a lie. For I’m letting them believe and know things that aren’t true because I can’t yet deal with the fallout. I’m not yet ready to destroy them.

I don’t know whether the honesty is a good thing. I don’t know whether being genuine is a good thing. I don’t know whether the hurting others is worth it. Hurting others now because I can’t live with incongruence. I can’t lie and pretend (I was honest now because if I don’t share my truth it’s constantly hurting me, and whatever the fallout now, it’ll be less painful). I don’t know if it’s a good thing. It’s something I love about myself. Yet it doesn’t seem worth it.

Is this what staying with reality looks like?

A repost of my last post about sitting with the pain. That I woke myself up now coz can't stay with it, can't let myself think about it, but I haven't done anything and maybe that's what it means.

This is what I wrote on instagram now. The last line is what I’m thinking about here. (It will be easier to understand if you’ve read what I wrote here.) I said that the truth is I still don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve woken myself up, but I haven’t done anything. What I missed out is that maybe this is what being with it looks like. Shaking in bed. Putting on music. Not letting myself think at all because I can’t think about it. Maybe this is what staying with reality is about. I wonder. I wonder if that’s what the real world looks like. The not knowing. The just letting the not knowing be. And nor knowing a lil bit more.

Sitting with reality

Something just happened. It huts too close to home for me to write about it yet. And, I don’t know how to handle it or what to do with myself. I don’t feel anything for it would hurt too much so it doesn’t yet hurt at all.

Just sitting with it
Just being with it
The I don’t know what to do with myself
I DON’T know what to do with myself .
Too much
Too big
I don’t know what to do.
Just be with it
Just let it be
The too much
The emptiness
The lack
The shaking
The nothingness
I don’t know what to do with myself.
I don’t need to know.
I don’t need to act on it.
I don’t need to make it okay
For it just isn’t okay.
I don’t need to do anything.
There isn’t anything to do
Just be
Just let it be
I don’t know what to do with myself.
Maybe I don’t need to know
Maybe, just maybe,
I don’t need to do anything
Maybe I can lie here
And do nothing, knowing that
I don’t know what to do with myself
And I don’t need to know. Maybe.

I find it a little funny how sometimes I talk such sense. Funny because I’m living it. I don’t know what to do with myself. And I’m just stating for now with the not knowing. I find it kinda funny how in some ways I talk and live such sense, when I’m also destroying myself.

I don’t know what to do with myself. And for the past few hours I’ve just stayed with it. With the not knowing. Without acting on it. Just doing nothing. And being unsure what on earth to do. And doing nothing. Just being with it.

Letter to myself: 12th August 2020. I’m with you.

Dear E

I’m here. I’m with you. I’m sorry I can’t take your pain away. I can be with you. I am with you. I will be with you. I can’t ease the pain. I can, am, and will stay with you through it.

You will get past it E. Life, just living, doesn’t always hurt so much. Some days are easier. Some days are harder. Some days will be easier. Some days will be harder. Every day I will hold your hand and stay with you. Every day I will be ready to hold you if you let me.

I love you E. I will always love you. There is no way you can ever obliterate my love for you.

Always and forever

E