Just noticed that my upper arms were tense. But coz I noticed it they aren’t so much (often when I tune into something it’s too much so isn’t there) . I’m definitely more aware of my body. Ive been writing out some of my last letters to myself, in them I was often grounding myself in them. Describing where my body is in space and time. Was interesting kinda to read and rewrite. Like now I feel my body pressing into the bed. My neck is turned. I hear music playing. The room is a bit hot. The cover is on my arm.

I’m doing that – noticing my body a lot the last couple weeks. I’m thinking it’s coz of this MBSR course. I think that’s partially why but not only. I think it’s because of the one I did a year, or was it 2 years ago, too. I’m grateful I’m doing it again. Even if and though I can’t share during it. When they email us the homework I hope to reply to ask if they can offer us to share our thoughts both by jumping in like it has been, or through the chat feature.

I did talk. Near the beginning they split us into breakout rooms to discuss last weeks homework. And they put me with a girl who looks to be around my age. Well anywhere between 20 and 30. And a guy. And they both weren’t talking so I started it. After the breakout rooms, in the group, every person shared with everyone what they thought. Well, almost everyone :). Thankfully I was the last person they asked. So it was a non issue that I didn’t. I couldn’t. Which is why it was only almost everyone. One of the guys didn’t realise I had been on last week. Probably coz of that. That everyone else who was on spoke. There were 2 or 3 new people. I like a lot of them.

I’m liking the course. Because just the fact of doing it helps. Because I’m remembering more to just see where I am now. Because part of the homework is to choose a daily task to be mindful during I hadn’t chosen an activity. So often during the day I thought I hadn’t, so just tuned in to where exactly I am and what’s going on. Like this moment I feel the phone in my hands, the air, breathing.

And they take away all pressure. They’re very much there is no right and wrong. It’s in the scripts. Everything is do this if it’s good, if it’s not don’t. Interesting to hear the people giving the course completely reading off the scripts. I know it’s scripted because there are recordings by others on the MIND site and they’re using the exact same words the entire time. The focus is acceptance, awareness, compassion, curiosity.

Someone said that the last one made her sad. As soon as she was tuning in to her body she was just so sad. Rich, one of the instructors (there’s 3, one who has trained, 2 training to be instructors), said how mindfulness is always about tune in when it’s good for you, and don’t when it’s not. Don’t do what’s not comfortable or too much. Step back. Open your eyes.

They asked what would feel physically, what would think, what would think. Someone asked what the difference between body and feeling was. They were what a great question… I liked that they were making everything valid, that people could consider stupid.

I didn’t like how when someone shared anything they’d question it. When anyone shared anything they’d ask them what that meant to them, what that was like for them, or whatever. Actually if I ever talk on there – 6 more weeks, I hope I do (!) – I’d have to tell them not to. That if I share I need no questions after. I can’t handle people questioning what I’ve said, or asking me to explain it. Freaks me out. Makes me feel unheard. Hmm. Not just that. Dunno. Whatever.

This week meant to do body scan 3 days and body and breath 3 days. The body scan puts me to sleep. However, doing it is good. Because I think maybe doing it often enough may make me automatically be aware of where my body is in space and time more.

Body and breath is a nice one I think. Though when he did it during the course it was really hard to focus. There were so many pauses, so I was only focusing when he was talking. And at least half the time he was talking about I dunno what. About being aware of whatever comes up and giving it space or something or another but it wasn’t directed enough for me to actually focus on it. So it was putting me to sleep. And made me feel very untethered.

Going to put on the body scans now I think. Worst/best is they send me to sleep. I’m more than happy if they send me to sleep. And if they don’t, it’s good for me to practice. The body/breath if I remember it, and I remember that I really liked it (not sure what doing it in real was so different to what I remember from last time and what I think the recording is), is really good to do first thing in the morning.

I’d really like to eventually train with them. To be a teacher. If I do 2 courses in a row – which I’m hoping to. This via zoom, then whenever they do it in real life. Then it’ll be 4 months of structured practice. Regardless if I keep a time for structured practice or not it’s good. Will be good.


27 thoughts on “MBSR – mindfulness course, thoughts (1)

  1. Yes, I also hate questions after I said something, especially when I think it should have been clear from what I said. Which doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be questioned, but often the questions show me, the other ones didn’t understand or really listened. And then I also feel pretty alone, misunderstood and also useless in a way. It feels as if my mind has no purpose, as if no one needs it.
    But yes, the teacher part is a good way for me as well. And sorry for the comment, I hope it was not exactly the kind of thing you didn’t want. Sorry, if it was the case…

    I think it is good that you could fall asleep for a while and relax in parts of the course, as you mentioned.

    I wish you some good experiences. ❤

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Depending on what the questions would be be when asked after I had spoken and whom, would depend on whether I would be comfortable or not. Especially with vibes I may pick up from a person to know whether I would feel comfortable speaking, or not to that person.
    But like previous commenter mentioned, I have myself had questions asked by a person that I was like, I already gave the answer to that prior, so would show they were not listening and I am like, why bother talking kind of attitude after that.

    I have it with a couple, but especially one at work like this I have found during the time I have worked there.
    Recently, the one particular person asked me how my mum was and I started speaking, but she didn’t listen at that point because she spoke to the next person that came in the room and never once looked at me while I was talking.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s not is it.
        This has happened before with this same person and after recent events one night this week by same person and observations I have made since I have been working here, again by same person that happens now and again, I have chosen to be in my own bubble when sat as a group. I will talk individually on passing with some individuals and with that particular person I will only talk when its work related. 😔

        Liked by 1 person

              1. Yes I shall stay at my job. I won’t let this put me off. If I left, it would be for my own reasons or opportunities.
                Regardless that we are all tired with the extra work and me being stressed with with my own personal life, as well as tired with extra work in the evening job, I have wanted to leave because of that. But I feel comfortable here, regardless and so to leave, I would have to have a very good offer, as I am not looking for a replacement job.

                Liked by 1 person

  3. I think a mindfulness course would be so interesting and helpful. I am not aware of any offered near me. I like your instructor’s philosophy – tune in when it feels good and don’t when it doesn’t.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. this sounds great! i am loving the positivity.
    me too… too many questions make me a bit nervous.
    keep shining!
    love always,

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Interesting that the focus is acceptance, awareness, compassion and curiosity. That reminds me of PACE (Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy), which Guy refers to all the time.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. That’s an awesome goal. I still struggle with straight body scans and moment-to-moment mindfulness. (Though, like you, the scans help put me to sleep, which I’ll happily take!) But, I really lime my candle meditations and others that ask me to focus on being very intentional about a specific action that is, in and of itself, simple, like taking a swallow of hot tea or staring at a candle flickering.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That makes sense. I find all the spaces in the guided mindfulness distracting but want to follow through and do all the homework nonetheless. Makes sense what you say about being intentional and something specific. I find focusing on where my body is in space and time much easier than the mindfulness recordings.


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