Posted on by E · 51 Comments

Rambling 0001

I’m wondering if I should try and put my thoughts into words. I haven’t sat down to write on here for so long. There’s just nothing to say. And everything to say.

So I started a new Instagram account. I think I’ll actually use it. E.journeytolife

I realised the beginning of this week that it’s up to me, and me alone, where my life heads. Yes, I want support. I won’t necessary get what I want. If I wait until I get it nothing will happen. I also realised that I often don’t follow things through. And then blame everything else when it’s on me for not having followed through.

For the past week and hopefully the next 4 weeks, though committing only a week at a time, in the morning (about 20 – 30 minutes all in) I’ve journalled for a couple minutes, wrote 3 gratitudes, 2 way prayer – journalling, filled in future self journal, most days I wrote to myself, and did a mindfulness practice. I’m pretty certain I posted on here the letter I wrote from my younger self to the current day me. Oh, I did.

I really should speak to my GP. Or the other GP. I’m scared to speak to the other one for I know she will act on it. My GP, so basically I need to find out what my blood test results mean practically speaking. Like, do I have to do anything about them. Or just hope for the best.

I’ve cut down on what I’ve been taking. It’s mostly okay. As in it doesn’t even count as ODing. I’d been eating for a month. So the last week I’ve cut down on paracetamol. And found food hard. Been making sure to eat. Been eating way too much. And TU occasionally. But that’s better than not eating. So yeah.

I reached out to a charity here about therapy and they told me they can help until I hear back from the CMHT but when I told them I’d want to use the sessions to go through a therapy workbook they said they can’t help because they don’t offer filling in workbooks. R’R put me in touch with a service here which said they’ll offer online support in a couple weeks. The CMHT sent me a letter that they’ve arranged for a telephone appointment on the 1st of December.

I bought and have begun reading a book by Imi Lo, who created eggshelltherapy. When I saw she had written a book I had to buy it because all the articles on her site are really great. It’s good her book. Emotional Sensitivity and Intensity. I’d definitely recommend it. Although I’ve nowhere near finished reading it so how could I know?

Working until 2.30 every day. Sometimes it’s okay. Sometimes it’s really not.

Up until I messed up I was beginning to really live in the world. Recently it’s as though there’s nothing there. I don’t connect to myself at all. I miss the connection I had been building.

Can’t think of anything else at this moment.

Oh. That I think that the energy work SG did is the reason I’m not suicidal and see life as possible. Still buying gifts for people. They should be surrounded by mementos in case. Should know I loved them. But life is possible.

Posted on by E · 52 Comments

I’ve an appointment with the CMHT (community mental health team) tomorrow morning – this morning really. My alarm is set for about 6.5 hours from now.

Was messing with burning which I don’t count as burning because it doesn’t scar. Finally stopped. I don’t feel nervous at all. I guess I am in some way. Haven’t done this in ages.

Hoping and praying it goes okay. Trying to out the intention out there to the universe that the best should be.

It’s the morning after yom kippur. It’s kinda an auspicious time.

Going to try and go to sleep.

Really hoping it will be okay…. that something comes from it…

Posted on by E · 21 Comments

In a years time I want to…

I’d appreciate thoughts. I think I’m being really realistic here although it’s noncomprehensive as was just writing (I can only ‘just write’, I don’t know how to edit or alter what I say. I only know how to just let my pen or in this case finger talk). I think it’s realistic because I didn’t say anything non doable. I know not all of it is in my control. I know it’s up to the universe to send me whatever whenever (that I’m saying that is awesome. Every single time I see a future I think I’m amazing I say that, because so much I’m also not doing because I might not be here so shouldn’t waste/bother). Anyways, was just meant to say that I’d appreciate thoughts. Coz can add or take away from this.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFNxp6fD5MN/?igshid=1j4u5bmbev0vn

Today was another long day (well, every day is at the moment. With a lot of flipping back and forth because the smallest things change modes. Sis stressed me out and wasn’t handling. Journalled and was calm. Freaking coz not sure. Spoke to R which was good. Constantly back and forth….. makes it long…).

I’ve read and really appreciate all your comments on my blog even though I haven’t responded to any or read any posts here (I did read one. Sunshine and Fak ones I schedule). Thank you for being here.

💕 Be living without self destruction 💕 Be present always 💕Be practicing mindfulness daily - a min or two a day counts 💕 Have a support system 💕 Have more friends 💕 Be keeping boundaries with those people who I'm still struggling so much with. 💕 Live in a world of colour 💕 Be able to stay with a mood instead of so easily spiralling 💕 Be journalling still! 💕 Have changed more self talk (I've stopped saying I hate myself). 💕 Be buying and planning for the future rather than not wanting to waste money on what I might not be here for 💕 Be present in my body 💕 Experience emotions - at least more than I do now. 💕 Still be in touch with R, M, M 💕 Have gotten past 2700 gratitudes! 💕 Live without the need to harm 💕 Get to at least 100 reasons 💕 Have set up Letters of Hope 💕 Have moved out 💕 Have a plan for studying if I haven't continued with what I started. 💕 Be living without ED behaviours. 💕 Keep accepting myself 💕 Connect to a source and be further forging my own path not bound to anything I was raised with. 💕 Be fully taking responsibility for my life. 💕 Continuing to learn to let go of responsibility that is not mine. 💕 Embrace myself and allow others to embrace me.
Posted on by E · 18 Comments

LTM: 14th September 2020

Dear E

Welcome to a new day. Of possibility. Of hope. Of sunshine.

I just wanted to drop you a line to tell you how proud I am of you.
I’m proud that you’re here.
I’m proud of you for choosing life, or not choosing death- the easy way out.
I’m proud of you for practicing mindfulness.
I’m proud of you for showing up.
I’m proud of you for distracting yourself.
I’m proud of you for focusing why live. (Instagram – reasons to live)
I’m proud of you for reaching out to others.
I’m proud of you for trying to get help.
I’m proud of you for letting go of those who you wanted to be here for you and who aren’t.
I’m proud of you for keeping a lot more to your boundaries.
I’m proud of you for trying to do good things.
I’m proud of you E no matter what your choices are.
I’m proud of you because you’re trying, even if you believe there is only ‘do’ or ‘don’t’ and you’re not ‘doing’. Because E, because you ARE doing.
You’re practicing mindfulness every single day. You’re reaching out to others however infrequently. You’re journaling however infrequently. You’ve joined a once a week ACA call (6 weeks). You’ve called others. You’re writing gratitudes. You’re writing reasons to live. You’re eating more and letting yourself however much you hate and guilt yourself for it. You’re changing your self talk and are more aware of thought spirals. You are here. That is called ‘doing’. So there is only ‘do’ or ‘don’t’ and not try. You are doing E. You’re doing life.

I love you E. And I’m with you always. I will always be with you. I will always love you. You’ll never be alone for you’ll always have me with you.

I believe in you and I know you’ll get there. You will live life.
You will live a life of love.
You will live a life of peace.
You will live life without destruction.
You will live a life of hope.
You will live a life of giving.
You will live a life of rebuilding.
You will live a life of creation.
You will live a life of beauty.
You will live a life of connection – connection to yourself, to others, to your inner consciousness, and the consciousness of the world.
You will live a life of choice.
You will live a life of embracing your responsibilities.
You will live a life without others responsibilities.
You will live a life of freedom.
You will live a life of living.
So long as you’re here, so long as you choose life, you will live life.
You will live a life.

I love you.

Always and forever,

E

Posted on by E · 24 Comments

Journalling 103 (5) GP App and referrals

I saw my GP today. Last week wrote up with him a referral for the CMHT.

I asked him for a copy of the letter the therapist from primary care services sent to him. I called up primary care services for a copy and they told me my GP can give me a copy. Her letter was good. She was really clear about how to go further. She suggested HBTT (Home based treatment team).

I asked him about the referral. He told me he hadn’t sent any off. That he would, and he’d send it to both the CMHT (community mental health team) and HBTT along with her letter.

Reading her letter now I’m annoyed. It’s dated the 6th of July and she writes that she hopes that by the time she’s writing this letter he’s made an appointment with me and put a referral through to either CMHT or HBTT. And that if I ever want the primary goal to be to stop using – at this moment it is. I want to stop using. I’m not sure how long that will last, that I’m really ready and want to stop destroying my life – the DBT team will assess and would want either of the other services involved.

Why do I have to google it all and ask him to do the referrals? And I don’t know if anything will come of them. Her last couple paragraphs were really clear recommendations on where exactly to go from here. Her letter was, is, really good. Just nothing has been done with it until now…

I’m not sure if I should just scrap it and go privately. My problem with going privately is that I kinda want someone to be there all the time. I know I’m not going to cope when I stop taking cocodamol. And I want to stop. I’m finding it hard enough to eat as it is – this is even though I’ve been trying to eat more coz of using.

I wrote a list of what I need, what I want, and what needs to change in order to just be okay living life on life’s terms. Well, I didn’t write a list. I dialogue journalled. I’ll put it into a list as another post.

I’m tired…..

Edit. He said my blood results were all okay except fat something which is normal when haven’t been eating enough, and muscles. I think I may have a muscle issue as it is but I can’t know if they’re lower than they would be, so some day can check them again.

As I walked out I said to him that I can’t stop using until he’s done this because I can’t stop without having any support in place. (It’s just not possible).

Had a staff meeting today. Was freaking out for most of it. Not sure how it will be to be back at work next week. It could be really good for me. Or it could be a spectacular fail. I’m keeping an open mind to what’s possible.

I was trying to and want to make a plan. I don’t know if there’s any point trying to plan how to go forward, what I need or don’t need, if I don’t know whether anything will come of these referrals.

Posted on by E · 43 Comments

MBSR (3) – Mindfulness and grounding

Mindfulness attitudes - Beginner’s Mind or Curiosity, Patience, Non-judging, Non-striving, Kindness and Compassion towards ourselves and others, Trust, Acceptance or Allowing, Letting Go 

What does mindfulness mean?

What is mindfulness?

What does mindfulness do?

The way I’d put it simply is being present. To be mindful is to be aware. To be present. Am some people think mindfulness is the same as meditation. Meditation is focus and stillness and is really a different ballgame. It’s got some similarities though. They’re both being present. Being aware. Just being. Just living.

When I’m mindful, aware of what is at this moment, I’m going to be living with my primary experiences, rather than secondary, tertiary or can’t remember what Greg told me. He told me quadary experience – whatever the right word is.

I’ve gone off on a tangent.

I find mindfulness to be grounding. Because I’m doing this course and trying to choose something to be mindful with, and of course I didn’t choose my daily activity because in the same way I’m rambling here and probably making you dizzy with the spinning and jumping and run on ness why would I think of one specific activity and as if I’d even remember during that one activity and then I’d anyways have to choose a different one so I’m doing that now as it is and don’t worry I’ll repeat this…

Mindfulness. Being present. If you read my trigger warning post – I’m intentionally not linking – you’ll understand what I mean. I’m grounding myself a lot. Focusing on where exactly my body is in space and time. Being aware of myself in my body. Being aware of my body in the world. Tuning into it. Tuning into what is going on. Like the sound of the cars and the annoying squeak of the light.

I’m finding it grounding. Because I’m trying to tune in. I’m intentionally tuning in often. Which i definitely think is a good thing.

It’s quite funny to write this, how taking the course is helping me, because we’re meant to listen to a guided mindfulness (which is guided imagery, or guided presentness) once a day. Being that I’m listening to the body scans in bed I try listen to another one during the day too. Anyways, I find it really hard to focus. I’m distracted the entire time. It takes till the end of the recording for me to actually be focusing on it.

I guess I’m saying that in some ways I’m not doing this being mindful well at all. And yet I am. So I’m not able to focus through the recordings… I focus for a few seconds at a time if you’re lucky. And I’m grounding myself lots. And lots. Which I definitely need at the moment….

I didn’t plan on writing this about me. Just about how mindfulness can be grounding and can be used as a tool to remember to be aware of where one is in space and time. To tune into the reality and help one be present. But this is what is 🙂

I’d definitely recommend mindfulness. But if you do a course research it. I did one through other places which were a waste of time. MBSR is a great one. You can do it for free online at Palouse MBSR Course. I wouldn’t have the motivation. You can google it. If you’re in England a lot of MIND charities offer it subsidised or for free. I’ve seen some great and some nonsense books. I like the first page of Mind Calm.

Love, light and glitter.

Posted on by E · 27 Comments

MBSR – mindfulness course, thoughts (1)

Mindfulness attitudes - Beginner’s Mind or Curiosity, Patience, Non-judging, Non-striving, Kindness and Compassion towards ourselves and others, Trust, Acceptance or Allowing, Letting Go 

Just noticed that my upper arms were tense. But coz I noticed it they aren’t so much (often when I tune into something it’s too much so isn’t there) . I’m definitely more aware of my body. Ive been writing out some of my last letters to myself, in them I was often grounding myself in them. Describing where my body is in space and time. Was interesting kinda to read and rewrite. Like now I feel my body pressing into the bed. My neck is turned. I hear music playing. The room is a bit hot. The cover is on my arm.

I’m doing that – noticing my body a lot the last couple weeks. I’m thinking it’s coz of this MBSR course. I think that’s partially why but not only. I think it’s because of the one I did a year, or was it 2 years ago, too. I’m grateful I’m doing it again. Even if and though I can’t share during it. When they email us the homework I hope to reply to ask if they can offer us to share our thoughts both by jumping in like it has been, or through the chat feature.

I did talk. Near the beginning they split us into breakout rooms to discuss last weeks homework. And they put me with a girl who looks to be around my age. Well anywhere between 20 and 30. And a guy. And they both weren’t talking so I started it. After the breakout rooms, in the group, every person shared with everyone what they thought. Well, almost everyone :). Thankfully I was the last person they asked. So it was a non issue that I didn’t. I couldn’t. Which is why it was only almost everyone. One of the guys didn’t realise I had been on last week. Probably coz of that. That everyone else who was on spoke. There were 2 or 3 new people. I like a lot of them.

I’m liking the course. Because just the fact of doing it helps. Because I’m remembering more to just see where I am now. Because part of the homework is to choose a daily task to be mindful during I hadn’t chosen an activity. So often during the day I thought I hadn’t, so just tuned in to where exactly I am and what’s going on. Like this moment I feel the phone in my hands, the air, breathing.

And they take away all pressure. They’re very much there is no right and wrong. It’s in the scripts. Everything is do this if it’s good, if it’s not don’t. Interesting to hear the people giving the course completely reading off the scripts. I know it’s scripted because there are recordings by others on the MIND site and they’re using the exact same words the entire time. The focus is acceptance, awareness, compassion, curiosity.

Someone said that the last one made her sad. As soon as she was tuning in to her body she was just so sad. Rich, one of the instructors (there’s 3, one who has trained, 2 training to be instructors), said how mindfulness is always about tune in when it’s good for you, and don’t when it’s not. Don’t do what’s not comfortable or too much. Step back. Open your eyes.

They asked what would feel physically, what would think, what would think. Someone asked what the difference between body and feeling was. They were what a great question… I liked that they were making everything valid, that people could consider stupid.

I didn’t like how when someone shared anything they’d question it. When anyone shared anything they’d ask them what that meant to them, what that was like for them, or whatever. Actually if I ever talk on there – 6 more weeks, I hope I do (!) – I’d have to tell them not to. That if I share I need no questions after. I can’t handle people questioning what I’ve said, or asking me to explain it. Freaks me out. Makes me feel unheard. Hmm. Not just that. Dunno. Whatever.

This week meant to do body scan 3 days and body and breath 3 days. The body scan puts me to sleep. However, doing it is good. Because I think maybe doing it often enough may make me automatically be aware of where my body is in space and time more.

Body and breath is a nice one I think. Though when he did it during the course it was really hard to focus. There were so many pauses, so I was only focusing when he was talking. And at least half the time he was talking about I dunno what. About being aware of whatever comes up and giving it space or something or another but it wasn’t directed enough for me to actually focus on it. So it was putting me to sleep. And made me feel very untethered.

Going to put on the body scans now I think. Worst/best is they send me to sleep. I’m more than happy if they send me to sleep. And if they don’t, it’s good for me to practice. The body/breath if I remember it, and I remember that I really liked it (not sure what doing it in real was so different to what I remember from last time and what I think the recording is), is really good to do first thing in the morning.

I’d really like to eventually train with them. To be a teacher. If I do 2 courses in a row – which I’m hoping to. This via zoom, then whenever they do it in real life. Then it’ll be 4 months of structured practice. Regardless if I keep a time for structured practice or not it’s good. Will be good.

Posted on by E · 56 Comments

Letter to myself: 16th August 2020. I love you and I’m glad you’re here.

Dear E

I’m glad you’re here. I’m grateful to be on this journey. And I’m hopeful for where this journey could lead.

I’m with you always E, and I will be with you always. Through the ups and through the downs. Keep rebuilding. Take the pieces and create something new. You get to choose what your life will look like. Build something beautiful E. You are beautiful. I hope you can let your life reflect that beauty.

When you shatter your world into pieces, you get to choose which pieces to pick up. Which pieces to include into your life. You can discard all the parts that harmed you. Don’t use them as part of the infrastructure. Use just the good. Just the helpful.

I’m so proud of you E. Proud of you for holding on through the destruction, and not letting destruction take over your world completely. As you said, you can always go back to destructions embrace. I’m proud of you for reaching out to others, or trying to. I’m proud of you for all the learning and processing you are doing. A candle in the darkness shines so much light. I’m proud of you for believing in yourself, in hope, in your ability to create a new life for yourself. I’m proud of you for choosing life.

Yes, you’re living with destruction in some sense. You’re not eating enough and you’re ODing daily. You’re also eating more. You are also eating all foods. Maybe not enough calories, but you’re eating all foods, bot just 2 or 3. You’re trying to use less. Go for longer stretches without taking any cocodamol.

You want to reach out more than you have. And you don’t know how to. You don’t know what the right thing to do is. And E, you’re trying. Is trying enough? I don’t know. I don’t know if trying is enough, but trying is all there is. Trying is all there is.

And yes E, you reached out. Think about the people who were here for you. Who held a light that showed you ‘there is a world beyond destruction’. They could only do that because you reached out. Because you were honest and vulnerable. Yes, GP has failed you. That is NOT your fault. Trusting his advice not to go privately isn’t your fault either. You can make new choices.

Life is a choice. And it’s the most important choice. I’m glad to have you here E. I’m glad to have you on this journey. I’m grateful to be on this journey with you.

Ignore those who don’t understand you. Let them laugh at you or be afraid of your thinking. That is their problem. Not yours. You do what is right for you. When what is right for you will destroy others? I don’t know. That can be added to the list of things you need some practical advice and guidance on.

I love you E. I love you so very much. I love you with all my heart. And I will always love you. There is nothing you can ever do that will ever take away my love. My love for you is not conditional. My love for you is unconditional.

I love you E. I see you. I see your beauty. I see your pain. I see your love. I see your heart that holds everyone else’s hearts. I see your loyalty. I see your fear. I see your terror. I see the little girl E. I see the fear and knowledge she will be alone. I will always be there for her. I will always be here for you. Remember what I said to you? (Dialogue through hope and destruction) I told you I want to be your friend, and whenever you are ready for me to, I will be your friend.

You are beautiful E. With all the good. Light can’t shine in the light. It is your dark that makes you beautiful.

Love always,

E