This is a question for anyone who has ever used or engaged with anything negative that they’ve stopped or want to.
If you don’t mind sharing I’d love to hear, what are your reasons? I’m choosing self harm for the title for that’s what I want to do now. Not like I haven’t been until now, but I want to do arbitrarily crosses that line (the line is anything that marks counts). I can’t actually see any reason not to, especially because of all I anyways do.
I’ve so much to ramble, but not for this post.
What are your reasons? Only if you’re comfortable sharing.
Love, light and glitter
Journey to life 
I drank alcohol like water for at least 10 years. I stayed drunk to stay in useless relationships to keep from feeling pain and be happy. I couldn’t have a drink without wanting a cigarette. So I smoked heavily too.
It got to the point to where my mind was fogged because of the alcohol and I would breath like I was sprinting on a regular walk.
I also felt worthless. I had no skills and was easily looked over. I wasn’t a stud by any means and I felt like I had to take whatever woman I could get. My self esteem was non existent.
I thought about it sometimes, but never tried suicide because I thought something had to change. So I did. Sometimes we are the reason life beats us down.
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Thank you for sharing J.
I’m not sure if you saw any of my comments on your posts – not now, can’t recall when it was, a couple of times. I’m glad to know you’re around and okay.
Love, light and glitter
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I honestly cannot remember seeing any comments from you. It’s been a while…
I’m happy to hear from you!
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When you commented here I knew they must have gone into spam or something. Thanks for passing by….
Sending sunshine and sparkles…
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I read your posts a lot. But I never really think what I’d say would help.
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I appreciate that you’re around 🙂 No need to respond to most of what I write.
Love, light and glitter
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But then I feel like I’m ignoring you…
I’ve come to the conclusion that we don’t see eye to eye on things. And I’m the sort to try to help but maybe it’s best I stay quiet.
Hopefully this makes sense…
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No need to think too much about it. All is good.
We don’t on a lot of things. And that is okay.
Sending sunshine and sparkles your way… take care of yourself today and always…
Love, light and glitter
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I think similarly. But sometimes even in the small things we can help more than we realize.
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Such a great question and one I reflect on a lot – why NOT self harm? So individual but for me, I think I stopped self harming and stayed committed to it because (these are all the different reasons over time and there are probably more):
1. the last cut I ever did was very deep and dangerous and it frightened me into realising it wasn’t just a bad habit but actively dangerous
2. not being able to bear the looks I got from doctors and in hospital (for non MH reasons) when covered in cuts any more
3. wanting to swim every day (can’t swim with open wounds and didn’t want people to see)
4. I realised that when I was self harming I was essentially cutting a vulnerable part of myself to shut her up. therefore I was perpetuating abuse against a small child who had already suffered enough abuse and it wasn’t fair.
5. I made a commitment to respect my body in every regard as part of my healing bc I realised I could not heal without that, and that includes not cutting, as well as not taking drugs or getting shitfaced eating vaguely healthy exercising etc
6. not constantly panicking that ppl will see my cuts, wearing jumpers hiding etc
7. wanting to find ways to actually feel my emotions and learn to cope with them without self injury
I could probably reel out more Eliza but don’t want to bore you! When I’m tempted to cut now the thing that stops me most (or 2 things) is – 1. not injuring and abusing vulnerable parts of myself that have suffered enough and 2. wanting to wear t shirts and go to gym
lol ⭐⭐⭐
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The more the merrier 🙂
Thanks for your answers Amber. I’ve never thought of number 4. After reading your reply I thought of it a few times. No scars are definitely a point – though that’s a point in my mind when I care. I’m not comfortable going to the gym in short sleeves – and mostly wear long sleeves – because of scars (although the last time before now was 2 years ago at least). I think making a commitment to respect your body is awesome. I also like that. Maybe one day 🙂 And same for 7 – that’s actually a really good reason not to.
Happy Thursday (gosh, is it Thursday already?), I hope this day is a better one for you.
Love, light and glitter
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We love ourselves too much to do it.
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Thank you for taking the time to read and reply DSM. I appreciate it…
Love, light and glitter
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No problem 🙂
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Perhaps my comments are an intrusion, Eliza, as my self-destructive urges never approached the severity you and others here have described. Indeed, I never “came close,” but many times I did come close to coming close, if that makes sense.
I acknowledge, and confirm (idealistically) the validity of such platitudes as self-harm being “a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and that suicide destroys not just your life, but the lives of those in your circle. It devastates those who wish you well, while it doesn’t touch those who’ve harmed you. How could I repay faith and hopefulness like this?
What changed for me? For one thing, curling myself up into a ball of self-pity became quite frustrating intellectually, as it ignored major factors in the equation. How could I solve this problem when I’m ignoring most of the notes? It was, ironically enough, an arrogance that saved me – I’m much smarter than is this thing, and ?I’ll be #$^!-ed if I let it best me.
Another factor is my father, the happiest, most cheerful person I’ve met (I know – how can he be 50% of my DNA?). Anyway, he inspired me to “train” myself to be positive.
How did I do it? Simple actually – if two tasks are in front of me, I take on the more difficult one first. Conversely, when two rewards await, I save the better one for last. Always arrange things so that a brighter “tomorrow” awaits. Things always are better from here on out.
That’s what worked for me – maybe it’ll help you too, Eliza.
And you accuse yourself of “rambling.” Just one look at the above 1,762 paragraphs puts you, at best, at a distant second!
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They’re not intrusive at all. I appreciate your comments (always!!), and yes, I get what you mean about coming close to coming close.
I love your reply. Choosing positivity and choosing the brighter tomorrow. It can help when I get past this. When I can actually focus on anything other than what I want (for at the moment that is kinda the only thing in my mind, and I am doing other things, like preparing gifts for chanukah 🙂 and trying to do assignments, and working, but it’s still really the only thing there).
I love that thought – that you’re smarter than this. It’s kinda true. You are smarter.
Thanks for taking the time to write this. Ramble 1762. Yeah, I always feel like I’m rambling 🙂 I’m trying not to apologise for it.
Love, light and glitter
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It’s been a long, long time. Coming up on three decades. The scars are barely visible… Now I’m into self-contentment. It’s a happier place to be.
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I love your posts on it. As I think I’ve told you before, they really give me hope. Thank you Jim.
Love, light and glitter
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😀
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It’s been almost 9 months. I know at this point the shame and guilt of doing it will be worse than the high I’ll get for doing it. I don’t know how I got to 9 months; I just started trying to put it off and then almost made it a competition with myself. For awhile, planning suicide took it’s place as a coping mechanism. But I know that there are much kinder ways to treat myself, as is the truth with you too. Please avoid it if you can, it’s such a slippery slope. Get those feelings out through another outlet! xx
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Thanks Em, I appreciate you taking the time to reply…
9 months is long!! That’s amazing!!!! I know there are kinder ways, though, I just don’t see it as unkind. I don’t think I ever saw it as unkind to myself, though, I know that at the moment I won’t have the same reasons as when I don’t need it, so yeah 🙂
Love, light and glitter
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My longest streak was like 250 days… Now it’s 44 days.
I realised I was continuing the abuse of my family onto myself. And while I sometimes still do feel I deserve the abuse (and so deserve to harm myself), I recognise I would never treat any other human with the harshness I am treating myself. I will “postpone” the act 5 minutes at a time, and often I feel better once I’ve actually slept or drank water or ate.
I read a book “It wasn’t your fault” by Beverly Engel and developed self understanding, leading to self neutrality and self compassion. Also therapy showed me that I wanted to punish myself, I wanted to soothe myself and validate myself…all using cutting and hitting and biting… It took time and practice to learn other self soothing skills (therapist sold them as “takes longer to take effect but the effect lasts longer”) though I steadfastly refused to “give up” self harm because “it works”. Over time, I’m not sure why, the urges gradually subsided, though I can still relapse if something is particularly triggering.
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Thanks for sharing. I like that thought, that you’re continuing it on…
Postponing does help at times, like last night I just didn’t. In the end. I kinda agree that self harm doesn’t really help, it’s actually the reason I stopped, when whatever I did – however long I continued for – was never enough. It just didn’t interest me eventually because it wasn’t enough. Now, it’s different, asides that it’s 2 years later, it’s, I dunno, I never label anything as self harm because it’s easier not to, and I’m not sure what I want from it either, so, yah. Why’m I rambling?
I hope you get to day 46 soon (I’m assuming it’s 45 today).
Thanks for being here…
Love, light and glitter
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My self harm came from my childhood years of bullying and losing my father at the age of nine….in which I had hidden for a very long time…and then due to my breakdown that I suffered this year…I started to self harm again and having suicidal thoughts due to loneliness and isolation.. and I was carrying so much hurt… but I reached out for someone to help me….it was so hard as I spent mths in a rehab centre…
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Thank you Kim Marie for sharing….
I’m glad you reached out for hep and I’m glad you’re here. It’s not an easy journey though it does get easier (says I who wants to mess up again so badly, but really, it’s true, it does).
Sending sunshine and sparkles.
Love, light and glitter
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The way I thought myself out of it…was my family and little godson…I needed to get better…I’m sending love and healing…please take care….❤️ try to overcome this…like you say it does get easier….sending prayers as well 🙏🏻….my friend…
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Thanks for the wishes and prayers. I need to just give in to it now, coz’ I’m tired of fighting or letting it go all the time, but, but I do want to move past it. So will do, I guess 🙂
Love, light and glitter…
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I never self-harmed in that kind of way.
But I would lash out onto others because I couldn’t cope with my own thoughts and feelings. It would lead me down a path I didn’t like. People that I liked and valued would be pushed away instead of brought closer. I realized what I really wanted (to be in healthy and blossoming relationships) and I started coping with things better and dealing with it on my own.
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Thanks for sharing. That makes sense. I’m glad you learned how to change it…
PS. your picture is really peaceful. I like.
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Thank you.
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Thanks for the auspicious writeup. It in truth was once a amusement
account it. Look complicated to far delivered agreeable from
you! By the way, how can we keep in touch?
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I was very overweight when I was younger – over 200 lbs. Eating assuaged something in me but I hated that people looked right through me as though fat people do not exist. They made all sorts of assumptions about my lack of fitness and perceived gluttony. I am now slimmer than average but I struggle every day with not eating or drinking unhealthily.
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Does it get easier? I mean the struggle with eating… (eating is something I’ll have to deal with one day, but really I just want it not to be a struggle at all).
Love, light and glitter
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I guess it must be easier because most of my clothes fit okay. I don’t go on the scales (OCD) but just use my jeans as a guide. Common sense tells all of us what to eat… 😁 We don’t always pay attention to our sensible inner self.
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🙂 That’s why I want to one day live with intuitive eating… one day….
Love, light and glitter
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A combination of two things – hurting myself where I usually do doesn’t…..hurt anymore, so the only other option is my arm. But, if you’re planning on being a corporate lawyer, having self harm scars on your arms isn’t a good career move. So, I guess, I don’t harm myself as often because I still have some modicum of hope in my own future. (Although, that logic is proving to be less and less effective these days.)
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Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.
Hope is a good thing. I sometimes think.
Good luck with studying! And healing…
Love, light and glitter
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I read this and wanted to share my reasons. At the time I found the words but questioned if they were the right ones. I feel now I have them. Some at least. For me and what I have been through. We all have issues. Some are worse than others. I hope by sharing this I may help someone who chooses to read this.
For two years now I have been on a path for better and worse. It has lead me to seeing things how I do yet made me want to do things most consider unthinkable. My health had/ has declined significantly in these two years. Going through torment that I would not put upon someone I hated if I hated anyone.(I feel hate to be a waste of energy)
I was bitten by something prior to my torment. At the time I did not see the correlation to what I was going through and the bite. I had no clue they were linked. I went to Drs only to have them shrug in sympathy or prescribe treatments and drugs to no avail. One thing they had in common was they did not truly listen to me and they were not trying to get to the cause of the problems only alleviate the symptoms that they never even looked into. I even had one say as so. Much to both of our dismay.
A day after I was bitten I woke to a rash running up diagonally across my back, originating from where the site of the bite. I thought little of it. Put ointment on it and went about my day. Throughout my life I have been bitten my many things. Likely due to my inclination to handle various species of insect and arachnid. So, when this happened I brushed it off as just another one. I continued on yet the rash only spread over my body. Sometimes seeming to heal but move. With the rashes came a crawling sensation. All over my body. Itching. I had no clue what was happening but I hated every moment of it. I thought my home had become infested with a pest I could not see. So I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more. Washing my clothes and sheets every day while cleaning my home from top to bottom. Everyday. Things did not get better. The crawling became worse. I felt like I was going crazy. To add to that no one believed me when I tried to talk about what I was going through. Treating me as if I was going crazy. In time I felt as if I was. Not being able to sleep due to the sensations. Constant as they were. Getting at most 45 minutes a night. I likely was. The body needs sleep. When you don’t sleep you can be driven crazy. It became so bad I slept in my bathtub for two months because it was the only place in my home I felt I could keep clean. Yet even then I felt crawling. It never abated. I quit my job because I could not continue to work while deal with everything. In the midst of this I was getting nowhere with my trying to treat what I though was going wrong. I tried a Dr. they first shrugged essentially. Given they had not encountered what I was going through. They prescribed topical medication which helped only a modicum. I went back after my symptoms became even more unbearable. They sent me to a specialist. The specialist told me they had seen this a lot recently and that it was scabies. Well I truly hated hear that but there are treatments for that. So, I went through the treatment several times. To no avail. Yet they stated well I just have the worst case they have ever seen. Through all this I was doing research and what I was going through did not mirror an infestation. But the Dr would not listen. They were right and that was that. So, I quit going to the Dr. determined to fight and try to find a way through this on my own.
Through this I left my life as I had known it. I was running out of money surviving on my savings. I decided to let go of all I had and try to survive out in nature. Trying to find the cure to my ailments on my own. I sold most everything I owned. My home my vehicles. Spent all I had on equipment I thought I would need to survive. I had nothing by the time I left except that which I was carrying.
It was on this journey that I experienced so much that helped to open my eyes to oh so much. And helped to give me the reasons to not self harm. But I did not truly see it then because I was in the middle being overwhelmed every moment.
I learned and experienced much in the time away but did not find the cure I had hoped to or perhaps in the way I desired. I was still dealing with my issues daily. No true relief was found by this point. It was about this time I was returning from traveling still determined on recovery. Yet my determination was waning. I had tried so much. Learned A Lot but still no revelation to relieve me of this accursed feeling. I had been depressed but with my resolve weakened so was everything else. My desire to live my love of all that is beautiful ran from me. I was losing so much of myself. Even when learning so much about myself. I was ready for it to end. I decided suicide may be they only way to release it. After I decided that it was like a switch had been switched inside. I looked for ways. Ready truly ready to let go. And every day that passed the more ready I became.
There is much more in the time between but eventually whatever held me kept me from breaking left me and my will was gone. Things were worse than I had experienced in my life and I was truly ready. I attempted suicide. Not once but three times. Some may think I didn’t do it right but I know I did. Each time I woke I was saddened yet happy. After the third attempt I decided something or someone out there wants me to live. So I decided to give this another shot. I know there is a spiritual/ extra planar world at least something beyond what we truly understand. But I will not go into that because this is already going to be way tooooo long. Maybe one day..
Through this it has been the love of others that kept bringing me back from the edge. It is that love and my desire to heal myself and hopefully help others while learning how to love others and trying to teach others of that and the importance of love that I remain and will continue to. Even though it is hard.
I have learned much through all of this in just two years now. Learned what the Drs never told me. That many of my issues are allergic reactions to the world around me. After being bitten and the environment I unknowingly resided in my health became much worse. I can keep many things I experienced at bay through diet but there are still many things I don’t know yet. I hope the answers will come in time though.
I say this because I am no longer ashamed. It is a part of me and my past. I will use these experiences to grow. No matter how hard it is. And someone somewhere may benefit from this. That is my hope.
I have run out of time perhaps I will expound more at a later date because there is so much more to it all. Thank you for sharing all you have and you keep on. When you fail just get back up and do it again because I believe in you and I know from what I have seen here that I am not the only one.
We all fall we all fail it what we do after that matters and will make the difference.
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This really touches me. That you took the time and trust enough to share. I’d love to hear the rest and I am so glad you’re here. It gives me hope to hear yours. I often think changes in diet could be helpful, following diets like the wahls diet. Happy new year- can you believe it’s a new year?
Love, light and glitter
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Happy New Year to you as well. It has an effect on me when I read what you’re going through too. As I have said before, reading what you’re going through has helped me. Even when you fall back you still get back up and try and try again. It shows me how beneficial learning about the trials others go through can help others along through theirs even if they are not the same. You have helped me through sharing yours and I will be eternally grateful for that. Given that I thought I would share mine in the hopes it could help as you have me.
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Thanks. It does help. I need to actually get back up. Which, will happen. For I don’t want this for my life.
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Time goes so fast as we get older. Seemingly so anyway. Even though it goes at the same relative speed for each of us while on this planet. When we get busy so much seems to go by so fast.
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One reason is that it would be impossible to find a place on my body where my husband would not see the marks. Then I’d have to make up reasons they are there and get into lying. It would all devastate him so much to think I’d want to do those things to myself, and then to lie would break trust. It just mustn’t happen so I resist.
Second, I’m a teacher and I don’t want children to see scars.
Third, I would probably be embarrassed in public in the summer etc. X
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Thanks for sharing your reasons…
What age children do you teach?
Summertime is a thought. I actually got to the point where I was okay walking around with scars, but, that’s old scars! I don’t know whether I’d be okay walking around with this many…. I really hate scars and it took me a couple of years to truly accept my body with scars, but that was when I didn’t put any new ones there. It’s a good reason if it’s enough… and honesty is always the best policy. I think.
Thanks for passing by…..
Love, light and glitter
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I teach anyone from 8ish upwards and sometimes a few adults x
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What kinda things?
I’m interested because I teach. Though I don’t (yet?) have any qualifications.
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Mainly maths but some English x
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What do you teach? x
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2 different places. One it’s one to one, language/English and Science at the moment. The other it’s 5 – 7 year old girls, groups of reading (the entire class are split into groups for the RWI reading system).
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