I’m thinking…. should I discard my stash?

What if I fall? Oh, my darling, what if you FLY?

I’m thinking, in theory, maybe, perhaps – the theoretically, potentially, possibly, perhaps, kinda maybe – to ask my friend to throw away the cocodamol I have in my draw when I’m away. It’s just a thought. It would probably be good for me not to have 1k++ in my draw. If only I’d have that in money!!! It’s something I’m thinking about. I saw randomly, I can’t recall where, that I’d given myself a deadline I wanted to do it by. I’ve passed that deadline. I told L I would (I’m thinking about it!!) and haven’t yet.

It always gave me security. Knowing I can fall back on it. Do I want to know I can fall back on it? I needed to know I could in the past. Do I need to know? Do I want that to be my security blanket???

So, I’m thinking. Actually not consciously thinking about it. I know that if I want to I’ll have to just do it. Just jump, and trust that I’ll fly.

What if I fall? Oh, darling, what if you fly?
On blue would background.
Sometimes you have to just take a leap of faith.
Sometimes, sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith. Without thinking about it so much. For otherwise the fear will override all.

I’m thinking… 🙂

Love, light, and glitter

Ramble 36895.

Today is a new day. Exhausted. I’m finding work really long…. I’m enjoying some of what I do, not all. I think if I ever feel like I’m getting somewhere with one of my groups then I’ll be happy. I just find them draining because it drags and I feel like I’m getting absolutely nowhere. The next are fine – rambunctious, exhausting, they’re learning! The next and last have finally caught up to standard – they’re up to where they supposedly were at the beginning of the year, the last months have just been review. Now they can begin learning something new. Interesting for me to see what they’re better at and where their strengths and weaknesses lie, because finally getting somewhere. And my morning I like though it may be changing again. At the moment I teach science and language. Science is a lot of learning myself because I can’t teach it until I fully understand it myself. Which when I grasp it I actually enjoy. So I now know about forces, measuring speed and moments. I know about metals. I know what I never did know. Or if I did I long forgot. I actually didn’t do well in physics in school. I love learning. I love knowledge. My timetable may change yet again though and we will see what is.

Not been sleeping as well. Do you think it is that I havent been messing up? I haven’t self harmed – I was going to erase that and change to burned but truth is that it is self harm regardless if I want to accept it as such – in 3 entire says. Maybe only 2.5. Or used. And it’s major. It’s, it’s that I need to burn, and it’s not what I want for my life. And the not wanting it for my life overrides the need. Which until now it was the opposite. The need was more than the ‘I don’t want this for my life’s. So for now I haven’t and we will find out what is. And I’m kinda proud/appreciate it. Just don’t want to make it into a bigger deal than it is.

My arm is a lot better. Keeping it protected and trying not to pick all the scabs. I’m wondering if picking will cause worse scarring and if I’m lucky most won’t scar.

I really don’t want or like the scars. I thought I could buy a krav maga t shirt I want and add on some coloured sleeves. People at the class bought themselves krav maga tshirts and I think it’s pretty cool and would love one. I won’t wear it short sleeved especially not now when the scars are all new, it’s not a statement of where I’ve been which I’m more okay making publicly, more where I’m at. Asides that it would probably be repellent to people. A good way of dealing with the anxiety of being at the class – keep people away from me. Anyways, so I was thinking about how to get a tshirt and can add sleeves, either like a blue to the black – they are black – or 2 different colours, each sleeve a different colour. I could make the sleeves until the elbow, though that would look weird, as there is a bit of sleeves, so maybe 3/4 length. I should just but one for myself! Can get bigger and tie in a knot at the bottom – what a lot of people there were doing, or smaller and more fitted. Okay, I’ve now decided to buy it.

I spoke on the phone to a friend for an hour. Was interesting coz I was literally about to write her a card, had the card in front of me, just had to get a pen, and she called.

I wonder what I’ll do next week krav maga without my friend. I want to go. I really want to go. I’m not sure how to hear myself up to it. I wish there were someone going I can ask for a lift there so that I’d have it arranged and just go. I never really knew that I lived with anxiety, although I always knew, well for the last few years, that I’ve social anxiety I never knew it affected my life. I guess coz for the most part it doesn’t since for the most part I never ever out of what is safe for me. And occasionally I really push myself, and occasionally however much I want something I just can’t do it. It’s funny for there are some things that others don’t like doing that I just have no issue with. It’s why I wouldn’t necessarily diagnose myself with social anxiety for it doesn’t always have an effect on my life.

I actually arranged to go to have a lesson with someone tomorrow. If I keep to it. It’s meant to be something fun for us both, and if we can keep it up maybe I’ll get a new friend – the friends for fun kinda friend, which will be good, not to be too intense.

I need a dermatology appointment and I called then up and they said I missed an appointment and have been discharged. I didn’t get any letter and was calling to follow up. They gave me a number to call tomorrow and I’m hoping and praying that I get one and don’t have to go through a referral again for that would take months on end. This appointment that I hadn’t known about was 6 months after the referral.. and it really has to be sorted out… the one good thing is that I didn’t know about it for I don’t know if I could have gone, dunno if there would have been a way for them not to see my arms.

And I should get into pjs instead of lying in bed not in pjs. I hope to get some sleep tonight. The last few nights have been really restless. although, I turned off my phone before going to sleep and didn’t turn it on even when up for seemingly hours!

Every day is a new day. I’m kinda beginning to look forward to what could and will be. Some point in time I have to make a plan, but that’s when I have enough headspace. And time! Its busy here with good things that are just taking time. It’ll be busier as time moves on and then slower and then busier as different seasons come and go. Ebb and flow.

I wonder how disjointed this all is. Or if it all flows. Sometimes it’d be good if I reread what I wrote.

I’m grateful I have this space. To journal. To be. I don’t give it to myself at the moment so I’m really grateful I can and am here.

I’m feeling a bit bad that I haven’t been following others blogs at the moment. And, just saying that I do care. That I think about you. That I wish I were fully following. And that when I can I will be. When I can just be. Which, it seems more and more doable, and if it continues this way, it will be doable, coz I’ll actually be there.

Some day I’m going to have to deal with what triggered or lies behind the past couple of months I don’t know what does and I’m not sure if I want to know. One day I do want to for unless I deal with it, it’ll stay there and rule my life. But that isn’t today. So I don’t need to worry about it now. And, yeah. Thanks for listening :).

Love, light and glitter


What are your reasons not to self harm?

This is a question for anyone who has ever used or engaged with anything negative that they’ve stopped or want to.

If you don’t mind sharing I’d love to hear, what are your reasons? I’m choosing self harm for the title for that’s what I want to do now. Not like I haven’t been until now, but I want to do arbitrarily crosses that line (the line is anything that marks counts). I can’t actually see any reason not to, especially because of all I anyways do.

I’ve so much to ramble, but not for this post.

What are your reasons? Only if you’re comfortable sharing.

Love, light and glitter

TW: Thinking about the thoughts of using.

Trigger warning. Please do not read this if it could trigger or disrupt you in any way.

I was thinking. About how much I think about using cocodamol. Just a few. Just to see if it helps. I liked bgddyjim’s post. It got me thinking. How using, which I think of so often, even just to see, will ultimately end in suicide. Well, I’ve always known that.

I realised that thinking of using is an instinctive thought. And it makes sense it is so instinctive because it is something that has helped me in the past and would help me in the present. I know if I start it’ll end up with suicide because eventually I’ll go back to the plan I had (which involved using), which however much is/was designed to fail, it was designed with different things in mind and I don’t see why it wouldn’t work. The thoughts of self harming (which are pretty much as constant as using – it goes, I wonder what would happen if I use or self harm) are more real, especially because, well, no because. It’s just that I do more. I’ve not done anything that would scar and I hope I don’t – I really don’t want more scars. I guess self harming doesn’t take me down the same tracks (to suicide) as using does. And I don’t count anything I do to myself as anything related to self harm. (I guess yay me for finally acknowledging that what I do probably comes under the category of self harm – even if and though I dont think that’s really why I’m doing it.) I guess it’s a bit like my issues with food. It’s not okay and will have to change one day but I’m leaving it on the backburner and not making it into a bigger deal than it is, and when I can deal with it I will.

My goal for the new year is to by the end of the next year have thrown away all that I have collected. Thinking about it, I haven’t bought any more in a long while. Thinking of using can be really real. I can and do visualise myself taking some. Opening a box and taking a few. I can feel, smell and sorta taste it. More often than I’d like. But in reality it isn’t what I want.

More than I want to use, I want to be okay.  More than I want to cut off from it – my world, life, everything – I want to be present and learn to live with all that I don’t know. So, it’s the realisation. That I’ve been thinking of using lots, and it’s quote on quote normal. It makes sense that I’ll think of doing something that helped me in the past and would help me. It doesn’t mean I’ll act on it. It doesn’t mean I have to act on it. It doesn’t have to define me.

And I get to choose. I have a choice. I choose, for this moment in time, I choose life. I choose, for this moment in time, to see all the possibilities, all that could be. I choose, for this moment in time, to believe in hope, in change, in growth, in a future. I choose, for this moment in time, to believe that I’m worthy of that future and that even if I don’t deserve it, I can get to live with it anyways. I choose life. For this moment I choose life.

Random life update

Today’s been one of those long/short days. It’s been a good day. A day I spent reading. A day I kept shabbat. I often haven’t kept it, I’ve read on my phone, or turned on the light, or anything. Recently I haven’t kept it. Whether I’m able to or not actually reflects the headspace I’m at. When I’m in an okay place I can handle the 25 hours of doing nothing. Of no writing. Of no watching anything. Of just being with family and – usually – reading. Lots of reading! When I’m not in an okay space I can’t handle it. Today I handled it. Does that mean I’m in an okay space?

I don’t know where I’m at. On Wednesday I opened a box of cocodamol and took a tray out. I thought to myself ‘Do I want to use?’. I answered that thought ‘Yes’ and I took the 8 out of the tray onto my counter top. I decided to call my friends first. M didn’t answer. GS was at the library. HS answered and came over an hour or so later. She threw away what I had and took all the cocodamol (well she thought all) I have with her – to be returned to me tonight. I scared her. I’m sad I scared her. I didn’t scare her in wanting to use – I’ve been wanting to for a long while now. I’ve been wanting to use ever since a girl in my community ended her life (I wrote her a letter – I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself). I don’t know how I scared her. I was lying on the floor in my room and refused to look at her when she came in. Eventually I looked at her…. I scared her and feel bad for it.

I’m scared too, scared because it’s not a responsibility she can take on. She called my GP on Friday, I’ve no clue what she said to him, although there’s nothing he can or will do. And she’ll bring me back my stuff tonight. I’ll probably throw away all the soluble stuff I collected, which will half the collection and leave me with around 6 hundred instead of the close to 1.5k. I’m scared because of the nothingness I feel. I tried journaling it through and was met with a lot of nothingness. I’m scared because I don’t feel anything. That’s nothing new, but I’m scared because it means I can’t trust the nothing. I regret not using. I’m grateful I didn’t use. Both are true. I’m beginning to realise that the contradictory can co-exist.

Onto something else, I’ve been copying out all the letters I’ve written to myself – I’ve written a lot on my blog here and I’ve written a lot in my journals, so I’ve been going through my journals and have gotten through 6 so far, and I’m copying out all the letters into one journal. I copied this one out on Friday
https://elizareasonstolive.com/letter-to-myself-10th-april-18/ . It made me sad. It’s actually a really positive letter. It made me sad because it depicts really accurately what I want to be okay with. What made me sad is that, it’s all still the same. I can’t see any difference. All the ‘there’s I wrote about, where I want to get to, are still what I want. The only change I can see is that sometimes I keep my boundaries. I still cross boundaries. I still don’t know what I want. I still don’t know what I feel. A year later. Where has this past year gone? What have I done with the year? It feels like nothing. Nothing at all. I know it may be that some things have changed and I just can’t see it. Yet, I just can’t see it. So even if it’s changed – I can’t see it. I can’t see any change. And feel like the entire year has been a waste. I wonder what’s going to make this year less of a waste. If there’s any way to make it less of a waste.

My GP has put in a request for funding, for someone in primary care to do DBT therapy with me (it’s what I asked for at a 2 hour assessment, where I didn’t qualify for the service because I’m not in danger. Never mind that I told him I have over a thousand 😉 ). I’ve been looking through therapists profiles, yet again. To see if I can find a private therapist I’m comfortable with so that if my GP’s request takes a while I’ll have something there. It’ll take a while either way. I’ve no clue what to do meanwhile, and I’m tired of trying, but this blog is going to be about getting to life, getting to love a life I live. I’m tired of focusing on what I don’t want – it’s all about ‘don’t use, don’t mess up’ and hanging on. I want to be moving on, loving a life I live, and living a life I love. I don’t actually believe it’s possible, but I’m believing that maybe it’ll be possible one day.

What if I fall? What if when I jump off the cliff, I don’t land on the rocks below, but learn to fly instead.

Love, light and glitter