I’m a few days behind in my reader and posts tend to get lost in my reader after a few days and coz it’s shabbat soon I will be even more behind by the time Sunday comes along.

The past few days I’ve been finding it easier to eat. That terrifies me. Happens to be I haven’t eaten way too much today but because I’ve been eating normally it feels like I have. Yesterday I ate a ‘normal’ amount. First time in 3 months. That freaked me out. I’m proud of myself. I didn’t purge. I distracted myself by writing cards and then on instagram.

Today I’ve been eating too. Just, eating. No calorie counting. No thoughts. And, and I can’t. I can’t let it go.

I chose life again.

Those who’ve actually been following my blog know that a few weeks ago I chose life over destruction. My friend had scared me when she told me she wasn’t sure I’d get her post. It was sobering. I hadn’t realised just how close to death I was. I spent the night after that planning letters to people and the next day chose life. Not sure what posts they were. I chose to believe in Hope then. Hope as an entity which is why I’ve capitalised it. Wrote that in a dialogue post. Hope in possibility.

I chose life a couple days ago. Rechose, recommitted, to life. I don’t know if I actually thought that I was choosing it. I did write something explaining why, but not on this blog. So life, here goes. And the past couple days after I’ve been consciously choosing to take less cocodamol than I want to each time. If I want 6 I’ll take 5. The numbers ate arbitrary anyways. And I’ve only bought enough for another day as I only went to a couple pharmacies. I’m not ready to stop using. But, it seems like a possibility. It feels as though I’m coming to that place where I’ll be ready to stop using.

The past couple days I’ve stayed with reality. Reality of too much. Reality of not knowing what to do with myself. And I’ve eaten more. I’m choosing not to write numbers on this blog. More means just more normally.

It’s positive. And it’s terrifying.

And if I don’t get help to deal with everything behind it then even if I stop it’s a waste of time.

I’m scared of letting go. I’m scared of giving up control.

I’m also seeing that there’s change from a few months ago. It’s for another post. But it’s weird. Weird because a few months ago my actions were okay. And today I’m ODing daily (that NHS therapist called an ambulance on me when I had taken between a third and 6th of what I’ve been taking daily since then). I’m eating now between half and a third what fitness pal tells me I should if I want to lose weight. My actions were okay then. Yet I see change. In some ways I think messing up has given me the space to learn and process. Destroying myself is calming a part of me that lets other parts be. Lets other parts grow.

Even if I’m eating the same calories I’m eating cake and sugar now. Which is good. Really good.

I’m scared. I’m terrified. I’m also seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m grateful to those of you who’ve been here. I’ve told you thank you so many times! I really appreciate it. You’re not getting anything back from me. I’m just about reading your blogs (those who are writing). Thank you.

And I’ve gotta go. I didn’t know where writing this would take me. It isn’t what I planned on.

GP – haven’t gotten through. He hasn’t done anything.

MBSR- fell asleep during it. Blush and hide.

ACA- not done enough. Should be in touch with others.

And I’ve a list of questions for a professional re boundaries and responsibilities when I can.

Thank you for reading and being here.


41 thoughts on “TW. ED, random, positive, update et al.

  1. Eliza, this was such a pleasure to read. I’ve also been letting myself eat a little bit more- tentatively, and I understand the feelings that come with that.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Shabbat Shalom Eliza. You may be interested in both today’s Torah portion, Re-Eh, and the one coming in four weeks, Nitzvahrim. Both tell of HaShem offering us (the Israelites or Jews) to Choose Life (over death). Ba’Chaiyim. I applaud you. Dr. Bob

    Liked by 1 person

          1. Oops… I misread that as “how’s your day been,” or maybe I assumed it was a typo. As soon as I sent that, I thought, wait, I think she knows it’s my birthday, from Instagram…

            There has been some really weird weather around here last night and this morning (it’s 8:15am as I write this), and that always makes me really nervous and anxious after what I’ve been through the last few years with problems with the house and things like that. I wanted to start my morning with a bike ride before it got too hot, but it’s already too hot, and with things I’m seeing people post on social media, I don’t think I want to go outside at all… :\

            Liked by 1 person

              1. Crazy weather. Usually August here is hot, sunny, and dry, and it usually cools off quite a bit at night (although some nights more than others). Since about Friday or Saturday, it has been slightly hotter than usual, cloudy, and humid, a combination that rarely happens here, and not cooling off much at night. The morning I wrote that, it was about 7am and already 84 degrees (let’s see, I’m guessing you probably are more familiar with Celsius, so 29 degrees), and some of my friends to the west of me were talking about rain and lightining. We just got a few drops here that dried quickly, but rain in August is rare and rain on a day that hot is unheard of. Daytime high temperatures have been in the 100s this week (low 40s C). Tomorrow is supposed to get up to 108 (42 C), and it’s going to be like this until the middle of next week. I like hot and dry, but I don’t like hot, humid, and cloudy, and I’m terrified of rain after the roof leaked in 2018 and again in a different spot in 2019. It probably won’t be a major downpour, light drops won’t do anything (and in theory the roof is fixed), but given how this year has gone, I never know what’s going to happen.

                Then, on top of that, lightning has sparked forest fires and grass fires, so the clouds are now mixing with smoke. At my parents’ house (166 miles away, not near me), there is a huge fire burning in the hills near them, close enough to see orange glow at night, but it seems to be moving away from the more populated areas. Still, there are people living up there. :\

                Liked by 1 person

  3. great. you’re eating. you’re eating normally. that’s amazing. that’s improvement, that’s progress.
    choosing life was another great choice. had you chosen death… i don’t know. i don’t like to think about it.
    this is amazing. you’re getting there!
    “it’s great to be a glowstick- sometimes, we’ve gotta break before we can shine.”- John Sellner.
    keep fighting. push through.
    love always,

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s really good that you’ve been eating!

    Change IS scary.

    It doesn’t matter that you fell asleep in the MBSR course or haven’t done what you wanted with ACA. At least you’re trying to move on. I hope you do manage to get through to the GP soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for reading!
    I’ve no idea who I follow. If I follow you it’s because you’re awesome πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•
    Sending sunshine and sparkles


  6. There’s a lot of progress happening here! It’s totally okay that you fell asleep during the MBSR course. You needed to sleep/rest and that’s okay. Maybe you even absorbed some info while sleeping. I’m curious about the thought that if you don’t “get help to deal with everything behind it then even if I stop it’s a waste of time.” It’s good that you know you need get help to deal with the underlying stuff, but you don’t have to do it all at once. You can do it one step at a time, with support. Learning skills and making positive changes will help you regardless. I know it’s scary, but you can do it. You ARE doing it. Keep up the good work!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks JoAnna. This brought me to tears. I definitely don’t feel like I’m doing it….
      Why is it pointless? Because the actions are just a manifestation. I think when I change why I need it, I won’t use it. If I didn’t need to destroy myself I wouldn’t. Instead,any time I don’t take cocodamol for a few hours, or eat too much ,I freak out so much. I don’t know. I don’t honestly know what the right things are…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. This conundrum is well addressed by our Judaism; In Pirkoy Avot (Talmud) we read of the rabbi who inscribed the following on two pieces of paper; Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, went in his left-hand pocket, and The World Was Made For Me! , went in the right side pocket. Feel it’s all pointless, do the right thing, (paper in right pocket World Made For Me), and Choose Life. Feeling prideful, go to the left (Ashes and Dust) to remind yourself of the ultimate ending of all things.
        We as humans are always dealing with these kinds of polar opposites, but then, we have the brain for it. Good luck, Dr. Bob

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m sorry it brought you to tears. Yes, the actions are manifestations. But what I’ve learned is that addiction – any kind of addiction – has a physical component as well as psychological, social, and spiritual. Therapists in the recovery community used to believe that the addiction had to be dealt with before trying to deal with the underlying issues. I don’t necessarily believe this in every situation. But I do believe that a person has to have strong skills and support in place to deal with underlying issues. I’ve known people who were successful in recovering from addiction with strong support before they dealt with underlying issues. Though both are important to prevent relapse. But it’s something I think you need to talk with a therapist about. I hope this makes sense. If not, let me know.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Tears in a good way. Because of the truth and care.
          It does make sense. Up now because thinking too much about my GP and how to actually get the help I need. Frustration with him will get me nowhere. You know when you talk to someone and you think they’re right and afterwards know they aren’t? So I hope he puts a referral through tomorrow. And I’ve thought of 2 people I can ask about the system here, hoping I get through to them and they’re happy to speak before I see my GP. I really need a new GP. Who will actually do something. Just tired coz it’s after 6 and not yet really slept.
          Trying to create some sort of support system. You all here definitely help. The first thing I need to do before anything is stop using cocodamol. I know that’s going to send me spiralling. I don’t know who will be here through that. Truth is that anything I turn to instead doesn’t have the same risk factor. As long as it’s not to make ED worse as dizzy enough as it is. I’m really frustrated with my GP. And trying to let go of the anger for it harms me, not him. And just do something about it. After I see him today hopefully a couple people can tell me if I’m right to be annoyed or not. And he may do what I asked… you never know. And I’m rambling and saying the same things….

          Liked by 3 people

          1. You don’t have to stop using cocodamol all alone. Maybe there is some help you can get with that. I wonder if you need some kind of inpatient detox. Talk with someone who specializes in this to find out ALL of your options. When you say, GP, I’m assuming you mean general practitioner. They don’t know everything. No one does. I’m proud of you.

            Liked by 2 people

            1. I don’t know anyone who specialises in it.
              GP yup. He put a refoel through to the Community Mental Health Team and the therapist I called to ask for advice was so nice. There is only one CMHT. But she just gave me hope. She was just really nice.

              I will have to stop. But. One day. I haven’t used in hours by the way. I’m away with my sister and haven’t yet taken any. And, I don’t know.
              I’m going to wait for a week, see if they respond to this referral and what they offer. Then educate myself by reading and watching. Hopefully find someone to read books or watch stuff simultaneously with so that I’ll actually do it….

              Liked by 2 people

              1. Sounds like a good plan. It might not hurt to call and check on the status of your referral in a few days. In the meantime, keep practicing mindfulness and positive distraction. I hope you enjoy time with your sister.

                Liked by 2 people

  7. Well well well, welcome to the eating a lot club! It is a pleasure to have you here after SOOOO long!
    You’re making all the right choices now.
    It may be terrifying but just hold on. “Once you choose hope, anything is possible”
    Hope you feel better soon!

    Liked by 1 person

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