I’m sad.

Someone messaged me a really gorgeous message that it’s been a while since they’ve heard from me and they’re a little worried and could I please respond. No pressure but yes pressure.

I’m sad. I’m sad I scared her. I don’t even know if she was scared. I remember TC telling me when I got her post that when she sent it she had no idea whether I’d actually get it or not. I felt the same way then.

I do feel something. Even though I can’t name it.

I hate that I scared her. I don’t know how scared she was or wasn’t. And it’s not like I can even go and tell her she had no reason to worry. It’s not like what I’ve been doing has no potential of killing me. This person doesn’t really know what’s been going on. I’d never tell her. It’s. Yeah whatever.

I can’t really share my world with people. I can on here because it’s public so it’s not like I’m reaching out to a specific person. I can’t reach out in that way. I wouldn’t get what I needed. And even if I did I couldn’t risk not getting it. And I know I don’t deserve others to be there. I know I can’t reach out to others for I’m not worthy of their time. Which is also why all the people who respond here mean so much to me. Especially those who don’t know me at all. You know who you are. I haven’t read your blog. I don’t know your life. I haven’t been here for you. Yet you’re here for me. What’s ironic is how many people I have always responded to and been there for who haven’t been here for me. Most of them I don’t care. I know I don’t deserve it.

I wish she hadn’t been scared. I replied. And. I’m sad I scared her.

Somehow I’m still here. I’m not sure how come I still am. There were so many times during the past few months that I knew I wouldn’t be. Yet I’m here.

I bought myself something expensive yesterday. I’ve been wanting it for months but I haven’t bought it because I may not live, and if I’m not alive than it’s pointless buying it. As in I don’t want the money to be wasted. Buying it, whether I do or don’t keep it (I wonder if it may go down in price over lockdown) is an affirmation of life. Is a statement that I believe I’m going to be here to use and make use of it.

I emailed someone some of this. I feel bad. I know she’ll respond. I’m obligating her to respond. And for all I know this is all too much for her. She just replied and she completely missed the point. I succeeded in scaring her but whatever. Her emails mean way too much to me. I’m on edge until she responds. And then I often have to explain what I meant.

I need to sleep.

86 thoughts on “Thoughts.”

    1. Thanks Ben. I know. Your comments mean a lot to me. I was thinking of you and a couple others when I wrote that. That I don’t give you anything at all. I don’t even have the headspace to. Yet you’re here.
      Thank you….

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  3. I hope that she won’t be scared for too long.
    You really like her it seems and I guess things will be alright in no time.
    I hope I am not wasting your time. And that you are happy with whatever you bought recently.
    I also bought the Stargate series collection last year for similar reasons.
    I mean, I have seen it a few times before, but finally having it safe in my hands, gave me some comfort. I always wanted to buy it, just to have it, but last year I just decided to do it. I wanted to support the creators and actors of this almost magical show.
    I just felt right, although I didn’t know why, at first.
    It just made my heart beat stronger somehow.
    But I don’t know whether you even know what I am talking about here.
    I really hope they do continue the show or even make a new one soon.
    It often got canceled or pushed back and after they shut it down in 2011 or 12, I was pretty sad. I wanted this show to never end. Silly I know, but somehow it made me always feel a little safer and understood. Although it of course was just a TV show, from Canada I think. At least some canadians were involved. In general, I really liked canadian shows. Somehow they really helped me in my life and made me happy and find myself, in a way.
    Okay, I just hope you are safe and sound or just feeling better a little.
    And as always, only read my comments and stuff, if it helps.
    So no worries, in case you didn’t. I just try to help in a way possible for me right now.
    And we have all been through a lot, this year especially.
    It’s great that you are still here as I myself. 🙂 💜💕

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    1. I love you buying that collection!
      I always appreciate your comments. Sometimes I take until I’ve headspace to reply. Though then I’ve probably read through if a few times…

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      1. I also sometimes need to read things again or just feel or think about it before I can reply or do something about it. Sometimes it takes me hours or days. Sometimes just a few seconds or minutes like now. ❤

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  4. Sleep is good. Planning on being here and buying things for the future is good too. Thanks for communicating this. It’s good to know where you’re at. 🐬

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  5. Eliza, my lovely. It’s good to hear you bought yourself something nice. Is it for something special like a party? Ha! There will be no parties here in the UK for the next four weeks 😦 Wishing you well, hugs from Caz xx

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    1. I know no parties….
      I returned it but will order it online. But I’ve allocated the money and I’ve still made that statement of life.
      Thanks for the hugs. I appreciate them…

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  6. Rest, E. Sleep.
    I’m sorry- I have very little experience with this, so excuse me if my words make little sense/offer no comfort.
    Really awesome that she sent that text- but it does suck a little that you scared her. ): It wouldn’t be fair to tell you- “don’t be sad!” ‘cos you’ve every right to be sad, but I can safely say that I hope your sadness calms down.
    I hope it gets better soon. That affirmation of life was pretty good. Clever choice. Keep going!!
    We’re all irrationally dependent on people, or their validation, or their responses. It’s human nature.
    Hey, E- listen. I just wanted you to know, whether or not I’m the people you mentioned in your post- that you aren’t obliged to read my posts. Nobody is, frankly. It’s a choice. Know that, whether you read them or not, I’ll still read yours. I’ll still be here. (:
    Sending hugs. You need a few (I think)
    love always,
    [gotw}

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    1. I always love your messages SG. I hope you know that. So long as you don’t read anything triggering and I trust you to make your own judgement calls. I think you know that.
      Of course I wasn’t referring to you. The people I was referring to wouldn’t be reading this post! And I don’t feel obligated to read what you wrote. I WANT to read it. I know I’m way behind. I don’t feel guilty, I’d just love to have the headspace to focus enough and will one day.

      I replied to that person, so she’s no longer scared. I don’t like having done that to someone, but it’s past.

      I always appreciate hugs. That’s one thing that covid has taken a lot away and I miss… sending bear hugs back. I hope today is better for you…

      Sending serenity and joy to us both…

      Lotsa love…

      I need to start thinking of you as GOTW since you call yourself that.

      E.

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  8. People genuinely care, even though they might not have met you in person, just like you show your caring to other ‘strangers-not-strangers’ by spreading your love, light and glitter! (And great insights.)

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  9. Over thinking as usual, let it go!

    So glad you shouted yourself something nice and expensive … you’re well worth it and now you will have to live to enjoy it 🙂 Any chance you will share what it is?

    Love and hugs k

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    1. Overthinking? Me???? What is overthinking?
      Yah…
      It’s funny how I’ve gotten used to doing this on my phone but a laptop would definitely be easier.
      Lotsa love and hugs back. I’m missing hugs…

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      1. big tight HUG then!

        I walk with a lady who takes amazing close up flower shots with a S20 … but my scenery shots are better with my canon. I could not do this by phone, make sure you get that laptop soon and thank your mother for instigating it!

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        1. 🙂
          I had a laptop until she spilled hot tea over it. My new one I just wouldn’t let anyone use. Yup. I’m looking forward to it.
          I’m hoping I can take better close ups than I can now.

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  11. I hope you are sleeping well Eliza. None of us have any clue about life and death. But we still need to make the best of the time in between.

    If you are not going to live long it is good that you bought an expensive dress 😊

    Love and blessings

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      1. I am good Eliza. And I hope and pray that you lead a happy, healthy and fulfilling life.

        May God give us all wisdom to make right choices.

        Love and blessings 😊🤗

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  12. Rest, relax and move on!
    What did you buy, if you’re ok telling me…thinking of it as an affirmation of life is lovely!
    It’s natural that you were sad about scaring her but it eez what it eez-I’m obsessed sorry…there’s not much you can do but reassure her!
    Also, I’ll always stick around here 😀 – whether or not you read my stuff
    That ends the nice binge-reading. I must now return to my studies for exams-thanks for the break

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    1. I’m glad I was just a blip in the radar! Are you competing who can study harder?

      I bought a new phone. Which I returned but will buy again. And buying a new laptop. My phone is breaking more and more and someone broke my laptop. It’s definitely an affirmation of life!

      I hope I’ve seen your posts though I’ve barely been around here the past 6 months, gosh, has it been that long?, I’m looking forward to having the headspace to read them.

      Sending sunshine, sparkles, and serene study signals.

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      1. competing with??
        oooh niceeee…
        haha, I do think you’ve but it’s ok even if you don’t. I’ve been kinda messy with my schedule cause the work is a bit much and I’m being buried in content for my other blog. I guess I’ll post after exams…
        💙💙💙

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        1. I had to reread what I wrote. I meant that you and SG are both studying. I don’t know if the world has changed but I never studied ever. And you’re both a lot smarter than I!

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    1. I slept. This time when I dreamt I kinda managed to change it. Still got up but wasn’t as freaked.
      How are you?
      Sending sunshine and sparkles…

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  14. Hey Eliza: Sorry, you do not have the power to scare (anyone other than yourself).
    You may choose to feel sad over another’s fright, understanding you did NOT cause it.
    The other may, at some level, wish you to believe that you did. Her wish does not make it so. Each of us creates our own feelings (and must own them).
    When you feel sad, it is imperative to know, that you have created sadness (for some reason of your own) only in response to the other’s created reaction to you. That seems like a nice thing to do, but actually, it is not as, it is disempowering.
    Take a deep breath.
    Enjoy your nice gift to yourself.
    Trust that your friend will find a loving way to appreciate you.
    Many of us have.
    Love to you, Dr. Bob

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    1. Hmm. That’s a good point. She created fear when she hadn’t heard from me in way longer than usual.
      I don’t need her to appreciate me, but thank you! I will enjoy it…
      How are you doing?

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      1. My healing is slow. I am taking much less pain med. and tolerating the excess pain. I am walking pretty well, though have to remember not to favor my injured foot. In physical therapy and getting stronger. and am much clearer, creative, and productive without the meds. Thanks for asking. Dr. Bob

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        1. I’m glad! Does breathing exercises for pain help too? I can imagine how the meds cloud the mind… and could prevent some of the connection you always live with. (I know connection isn’t the right word)

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          1. I have used prana breath and while it doesn’t decrease the pain, it does increase my ability to tolerate it. (I used to teach this method to my patients suffering from anxiety. Dr. Bob

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  16. When it comes to buying something expensive, I take a while thinking of all the pros and cons. Wasting money is not my thing, either. However, every now and again, it’s nice to get something that makes us happier. You didn’t want to buy it if you weren’t here to use it but I could argue the same the other way – why not spend all the money if you won’t be here? It won’t matter after all.

    As far as scaring this person is concerned – of course, I have no way of knowing how much she was actually scared. But I think it’s a figure of speech more than anything. You form a bond with people on here. Once they suddenly disappear, you start to wonder. Especially when it comes to those who blog about mental health issues.

    Stay golden!

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    1. She didn’t tell me outright that she was scared, but yes, I could hear why. But it’s passed…
      Yes, I’ve argued the same but felt my money may as well go towards better things.

      How are you doing?

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  17. Ah Eliza this emotional exercise is promising in and of itself, as it sparks something. Numbness it certainly is not.

    And why sadness? This episode shows someone cares about you and connects with you. She wants to come along on this journey. As do so many others.

    How can you think you don’t deserve friendship? You’ve given so much to the universe, with your blogging, teaching, cooking and creating. You’ve stoked the warmth for lo these many years. You, above others, are entitled to time basking in its reflected glow.

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    1. Because I know I’m not worth it. I know I’m too much. Which is okay. Coz I’m pretending to believe that I can one day know differently.

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  18. Hi Eliza,
    It sounds like your concern for your friend and buying an expensive gift for yourself are affirmattions of your increased capacity to hold yourself lovingly while you continue healing and growing. I do send you love and prayers and you are often in my thoughts as I travel in my day.
    Sending Sparkles and love, ❤️Cindy

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  19. Oh Eliza, I’m sorry you’re in this sort of situation. I can’t be sure, obviously, because I’m not in your exact situation, but I wonder if some of the sadness for maybe scaring her is underlying guilt. Maybe the same with buying these, then worrying about the money wasted if you’re not here anyway (which is another matter entirely, and I hope it goes without saying I absolutely want you here). Maybe that’s me projecting on the guilt thing because I feel like I’m drowning in guilt and I don’t know where it came from. I don’t know, I feel that maybe some might be there for you too.

    Also, you want someone to care, but then it’s… insulting maybe?… when they don’t quite get it. Like you say with reaching out in person to someone specific, because you don’t often (or ever) get what you need, and a lot of the time that person misses the point altogether anyway. xxxxxxx

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    1. You’re not projecting the guilt.

      Does the book title Emotional sensitivity and intensity speak to you? If it does, when you’ve headspace check it out.

      I don’t have any changing guilt suggestions… the constant writing to myself has helped a lot though. And your guilt is actually understandable.

      I’ve given a few people your Instagram account. Because I think it’ll really help them. You’re a ray of sunshine in the world…

      When they don’t get it I just feel lost, invalidated, know it’s my problem for doing something wrong, being unclear, and know I don’t deserve it. There is only this one person I email. I rely on her responses way way too much…

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  20. Hugs. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night (for obvious reasons). So, the likelihood of my coming up with something reassuring to say is somewhat lower than usual. But, I’m glad you’re here. I hope you continue to be here. Your blog is an awesome and honest look at mental health challenges…and you deserve to have bought yourself something nice. Somehow we internalize the message that we don’t “deserve” to be an inconvenience to others by reaching out, or we should feel guilt that we won’t properly use or deserve what we have. We’re allowed to offer ourselves things that make the time we’re here for happier. Even if other things feel like they are still falling apart. Even if other things do fall apart later. It’s okay to just practice self-care by finding joy in a thing even if you might be depressed again later.

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    1. I hope you got some sleep by now!
      That last part of your message is really helpful. That we’re allowed to offer ourselves things that are helpful and bring joy even if things are and will fall apart. I’m going to be spending about 1 and a half k. When I’ve 7 in savings. And would really like to move out, and would need my own car when I move out.

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  21. I know that feeling of not being worthy… It’s part of why I keep to myself. You’re actually a lot braver than you give yourself credit for, you know. And you’re worth a lot more than you give yourself credit for.

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    1. I need my laptop back. It’s really hard to upload my photos onto posts…
      Actually, I may be able to start running again soon. Which would be cool. At the moment I’m in isolation but maybe after that.

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      1. Yes, try to do that again Eliza – I think your running, taking photos while doing so made that blog kind of a “free spirit” type of blog and you enjoyed doing it. Something light in dark times.

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  23. It’s ok to be scared and sad.
    You are worthy of people’s love, care, friendship, even if you don’t believe or can’t see that.

    Yes, we can’t see all of who you are ( and I do know the feeling of “If they saw this part of me they’d hate me” ) but, believe me, none of us walk this life without something painful or dark which we hide away and fight. The fact that you are kind and reaching out, sensitive and vibrant IN SPITE of what you fight inside, shows who worthy you are.

    Yes, sometimes people will be scared but, in spite of all the dark thoughts which may whisper in that gap, sometimes people need time to process the big emotions. I’ve thought I scared someone off a few times and, after unbearable ages of thinking I’d destroyed a bright light in my life, they came back and faced me with an honest ( and very painful for me – opening up is hard ) discussion and things grew stronger.

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