I’ve been feeling way too self conscious to post. Also feel as though I’ve nothing to say, so why’m I bothering?

I’m sad. Today I realised that RR either broke my trust or lied to me. I always knew it but I never allowed myself to think about it for he gave me so much, he meant a lot to me, and I always knew I could rely on him. I always knew I could rely on him to be there, until I couldn’t. Until, instead of apologising for getting back to me only 2 days later, he would respond a week later. Until I asked him to record a message I needed to hear, he told me he would, and he never did. A month later I sent him a link to something I wrote, he emailed back a week later and said he knew he hadn’t responded. A few weeks later I asked him for advice about the therapist I met a few times who offered touch, and I wanted to know if it was okay or not. He got back to me 2 weeks later to tell me it was okay. I trust him on that. He asked how I was and I told him I wasn’t answering. He never sent me the recording he said he’d do…. A week ago I had a question for him so whatsapped. He never responded. He has no obligation to be there for me. He has no obligation to be here. He just always was. And somehow he’s the same as everyone else always has been. There for me and then just disappears. Just stops being there.

Now that he’s not here, it’s easier for me to see what he must’ve done. I never thought about it because I needed to trust him. I needed to rely on him. I don’t know how to do this without being specific, so not sure if it’s going to make sense. Someone in my life did something behind my back a couple of years ago. Change that. RR arranged for me to be in touch with A. He was the contact person between us. He saw to it. He checked in with me every so often about it. Whenever I wasn’t in touch with A for a while he’d be in touch with me to find out if it/I was okay. He spoke to A a few times for me. (In case anyone’s wondering why I trusted RR so much. He really did a lot for me). A told me at one point that D had been in touch (and that A didn’t communicate with D at all. A wanted to let me know so that A wouldn’t be keeping something from me). The only way for D to have known about A was through RR. RR arranged it and was the go between if I needed. D shouldn’t have known anything at all. I knew D did and I knew D must have spoken to RR and I asked RR if D had. I blamed D for crossing boundaries though (it was crossing boundaries for D to call A). There are 2 options. Either RR arranged it and told D about it – there’s absolutely no way that could be an okay thing for him to have done. Or, the better option, is that D arranged it, and didn’t want me to know. D speaking to A then, would be a breach of boundaries, but would come in a little more. If D arranged it then both D and RR lied to me. D is actually understandable. The boundaries, the other stuff, due to the situation, it’d make sense, inexcusable, but understandable. RR however, he lied. He told me he saw to it. So either he did and told D, or D saw to it and RR pretended to do so. I don’t really feel anything about it at all. I don’t know what to feel. It’s not like I haven’t really known this for the last year and a half, I have known it, I just ignored the reality. I needed RR. Or I thought I needed him.

I need people. Or, I thought I need them. Everyone always ends up leaving. I don’t understand why.

I’m surprised at the people who were here for me in the past week. M came over and talked me down. I never thought M would ever be here for me. S who I always knew would be here if I needed her, just wasn’t. I thought she would be.

I’ve been eating too much and been constantly wanting to purge. Well, I often actually do. At the moment I’m trying not to. I don’t know why I’m fighting it. I go round and round. If I eat too much, it bothers me. I don’t know what ‘too much’ is either. And if I act on it I feel guilty for wasting the food and want to eat less. That’s why I’m trying not to get too stuck in it. Though to be honest food cycling is not something that has ever stopped. I constantly cycle between eating too much. Purging because of it. Restricting. Balancing. Or it’s not a direct cycle but I go back and forth between them all often enough that it should be dizzying to think about.

My thoughts are completely disjointed at the moment.

I dialogued (journaled through dialogue) earlier. I thought I’d write it out. I was actually impressed with myself. For when I didn’t want to face something, instead of forcing it, I queried why I didn’t and journaled that through instead. I finished my ‘I can’t adult today’ journal today and started another one.

I looked at some profiles of therapists online. Most of them all replied to me that they can’t do it. One person arranged to call, and just didn’t. Another person I arranged a free consultation with for Monday. I already know now it’ll be a waste of time – because I read through her attachments to the email and I was really unimpressed. With the way it was all about money. She was describing therapy as though it’s a business transaction, which, although true to an extent, is also untrue. Plus she had on there not to contact your therapist if in crisis but your GP or the A&E. And however much that is true, I’d think a therapist is there to help you so you don’t need to do that. Being that I messed her around already, and told her I’m most likely not interested, I’m going on the 1%, make it 0.01% chance, that she’s any good. Another women also got back to me, but she is only offering online therapy at the moment. If I know it’ll be only temporary it’d be relevant. She gave me the link to a guy. Who is actually really professional and I was really impressed with the conversation we had. It doesn’t mean anything if I’m impressed, for I thought LN was a great therapist, and then she ended it when I got back to her (she’d offered touch and I waited until I found out it was okay), without asking me what I wanted. This guy told me he wouldn’t work with me if I was going through the NHS too. I have to speak to my GP and see what he thinks. His only available slot is during my work. Which would mean that if I were to see him, I’d be missing work, and I’m not sure that work would do that. I actually looked up the legislations, and although there’s the discriminatory and equality acts, work wouldn’t have to give me off, because I don’t actually think it’d be good for the students. I’ll have to speak to my GP and see. I’m also thinking that maybe we should meet the first 2 times and see if we even think we can work with each other, for if we can’t, it’s not relevant. I hope I get to speak to my GP on Tuesday and that he is actually able to advise me on what to do. It really depends a lot on the NHS. My GP put in a request for a primary care therapist to be able to do DBT with me. If that goes through then I won’t bother with anything. If it’s going to take a couple of months but will end up going through then I’d want to find some support until then. If they say no then this guy I spoke to seemed like he may be a really good option – if I can even get it okay with work. Oh, another women (therapist) had gotten back to me and said we could meet for an initial consultation, except that she didn’t respond to my reply. So there’s that.

I feel like I’ve been rambling for way too long and it feels super boring to me.

Love, light and glitter

12 thoughts on “Rambling update – he betrayed me and therapy

  1. ouch maybe people move away when you stay so firmly ‘stuck’?

    For most people to stay around and support they need to see some improvement, some effort to change things. Improvements for a while but less slide backs and quicker to recover …

    Why are you afraid of getting better?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Maybe, though RR has seen the most change.
      He’s the one who pointed out to me that I was actually ‘present’ in the world (I didn’t know what he was on about at the time, in what way I was present, in what way I hadn’t been the last time he’d seen me). He knew me suicidal, self harming, using, etc. He saw it change. He’s seen my relationship with the world, my understanding of the world, and god change. It’s strange you say that maybe they move when you stay stuck, for I was wondering if he would be here if I would actually be at the same risk as when he first knew me. I’ve never actually shared with him when it was tough, because he’s not my therapist, nor is he my friend. I don’t know….

      Liked by 1 person

        1. No worries, I always find your thoughts insightful and helpful. So I thought about it, and then realised it wasn’t relevant.
          lol, I need to focus more on what’s different than all that is still the same.
          Love, light and glitter….

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry. Betrayal can sting, but when it’s so underhanded and you had such trust in that person, it’s all the more painful. And then the knock-on effect is being scared to trust again, worried people will leave or let you down. I’m glad M has been there for you recently. Times like this can surprise us, in good ways and awful ones, who’s there when we need them. I guess I’ve found nobody there for me, apart from my mum, a lot of the time. I know that ‘no man is an island’, but it’s taught me I don’t need someone else to prop me up, and neither do you. You deserve far better than what you’ve received from others, Eliza. I think a therapist could be a good idea, worth trying. My fingers are crossed you something set up soon for the interim between now and the GP referral for DBT. Sending hugs,
    Caz xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Caz
      M actually sent some cute stuff round on Sunday too, which was really nice of her.
      I hope to one day (not within the next few weeks) discuss with RR what he did, and get some answers/explanation. There’s one explanation he can give which makes it understandable (wrong, completely wrong and underhand to use your words, but understandable)
      How has your weekend been? For some reason your posts don’t ever show in my wordpress feeds and I don’t get updates for comments (random).
      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

      1. If I were in your shoes, I think I’d want to talk to him about it too. Both to get some answers and to say my piece so I could rule a line under it.
        Oh no, wonder why the posts aren’t showing on your WP reader..? Does the green ‘follow’ thing come up on my blog to say you’re following? I’m a bit stumped. As for the comment notifications, I added a plug-in thingybobby so you should be able to tick the box underneath when you leave a comment to be notified of replies now. At least, I hope that works the way it should! xxxx

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I get the posts now, and the comments – if I click to follow, and then click the email to subscribe (not if I forget one or the other).
          I’ll see what happens in a few weeks. It’s really busy here for the next couple of weeks but after that I’ll have time and be able to think straight. I’m actually missing RR now, for now is actually a time I’d speak to him.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. My dear Eliza,

    I do not want to make many words – just to hug you and send feelings of compassion and understanding. Develop trust and love first to yourself – this will help you to have a strong foundation. On a strong foundation houses can be built…

    All the best my friend – love and light to you
    Didi

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Didi
      That’s something really true. Everything needs to be given to ourselves from ourselves before we can accept or get it from others. It’s like pouring into a cup that has a crack in otherwise.
      Love, light and glitter

      Like

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