Relationships, boundaries, and responsibility 3

Saying yes, taking responsibility, gave me the right to exist. K, so I’m speculating here, but I’m trying to put my thoughts into words, and either it’s true, or it’s not. I’m going to put it down. And it could be I’ll turn around one day and say that this is nonsense.

I grew up feeling responsible for others.

I grew up feeling guilty for existing. The guilt comes from the fact that through existing, by living, I’m hurting others. That’s not just speculation or a kids thoughts. It’s still the reality today. By existing I’m hurting someone. By living I have hurt people. Not through anything I did. Just through existing. One of those people have changed a lot. I no longer hurt her through my existence. I’m not blaming myself here. I never did anything wrong. That person was threatened by my existence. I did nothing to cause that. It was her issue. She’s changed. The person I still hurt through existing has special needs, mental health difficulties etc and will not be able to change. The fact is I hurt her by living. I don’t think I feel guilty for it any longer. I used to. By now I know it’s not my problem. There are others I hurt by being me. It’s not my existence that hurts them, but that I’m me. And if I ever truly live my own life I’ll really hurt my parents.

The guilt for living has played a big role in my life. I still don’t believe I’m allowed to exist, however I don’t feel guilty for those people.

I’m wondering if giving to others, being whatever others needed me to be, justified my existence somewhat. I’m here, and I shouldn’t be here, because I’m hurting people, their lives would be better without me, if I’m making other peoples lives better, maybe it balances that out. Makes it somewhat okay that I’m living, even though I shouldn’t be. Balances out the pain I’m causing to others.

The only problem there lies that giving gives meaning to my life. I love giving to others. Not because I have to. Not because it justifies my existence. But because I love giving.

When I said that saying no goes against my nature R’R commented nature or conditioning?

I think both. Conditioning is that I’m not allowed to exist. Nature is I love to give. Whether by nature or by nurture I feel others. Whether that’s inherent or something I had to develop or both. When I was speaking to E she told me about her arm hurting. I felt the pain in my own arm. Not physically, but yes physically. I don’t know how to explain it. Her pain hurt me. I don’t really know what physical agony feels like. I know I’ve experienced physical agony – when I got burned (I’d say burned myself but that sounds like I caused it. Someone dropped a pot. Thankfully of water!!!!! It could have been the oil pot…) and my arm was debrided – do not google. I wrote a poem then about pain. I don’t recall the pain. I recall hating others doing things for me. I couldn’t do anything because I couldn’t use my arm at all…

I feel others pain. I want to take their pain and take it away from them. I feel others pain too much. It’s funny how I so feel others pain yet cannot feel anything about or for myself. Though then again my life was a pretty calm, good life.

Anyways, the point I was making is that I love to give. And that giving gives meaning to my life. And that I wonder if giving was a way for me to justify my existence.

This is also why I think I don’t ADHD. Because I go back to what I started off with. A past friend once said to me that she loved how though I’d jump from A, to B, to C, I’d always go back to A, to B, to C.

Can I put myself first?

I’ve written about this before, I think.

A friend who is struggling wants a lift today. It would take 2 – 3 hours of my time. I have the time. This morning was tough and I didn’t have the headspace. I knew I didn’t have the headspace. As a side note I just curled up in bed, and was wondering the line between letting yourself be and wallowing. I’d freaked out on the phone, and wanted to just stay in bed. I knew I could get up if I wanted and do stuff but chose to stay in bed.

I didn’t have the headspace for her when I was in that headspace myself. I know I don’t really have the headspace just now either. Last night when I was with her it was okay, I was just completely drained. I told her that I don’t have the headspace. If I can later I will. I didn’t have the headspace so I said no.

I guess anyone who has followed this blog will know just how major it is for me to put myself first. To say no. Although I’m questioning if I’m really right to put myself first, I’ve put myself first and don’t feel guilty for it. I don’t feel responsible to help her do what she needs to. If I can, I can, if I can’t, I can’t. It’s not that I can’t, for in reality I can, but I’ve put myself first. And it’s not someone for whom I have to out myself second for.

I forgot I was writing this. But I think I put it down as it is. I don’t know if I’ll take her today. I doubt it. And however much I doubt myself for choosing not to, I know I can put myself first. I know I’m allowed to, and am doing so.

Love, light, and glitter

24985 – rambling update. (Could be triggering.)

The world is a good place.

I feel guilty. A friend needed help I couldn’t give. So I didn’t give it to her. I could have gone beyond myself. I didn’t. She called an acquaintance of hers who stepped in and arranged do much for her. I couldn’t have done what this acquaintance did. I couldn’t have done at least a part. And I didn’t do anything. I knew what was going on and I didn’t help. I feel guilty. Mostly I wasn’t wrong. Yet in some way I was wrong. I should have done something and did nothing.

I feel guilty.

My hoodie doesn’t fit me. The one I love that I had to buy for the make. Not the kind of brand name most people would think of. A sports brand that I think is cheaper end (not writing the name because all who know me know how obsessed I am with this particular brand that is now defunct). I just always loved the style. The ‘brave new world’ on the inside. I dunno. I just like it. So I have one that was too small coz I gained weight. I finally found another – also coz I’d only buy it on sale for I’m not paying 50 quid for a hoodie! I bought it. Haven’t really worn it. Now I’ve gained weight and it’s way too tight…. and the brand is defunct so unless I buy on Amazon a still bigger size for what I consider a fortune I won’t have one. Which means I need to lose weight if I want it to fit me. And my bras. And half my clothes. I wasn’t caring. But argh. I dunno. The only way I know to lose weight is to stop eating… not going to at the moment. But. But. But. It’s a thought. And I’ve been doing stuff occasionally for the past few weeks which I haven’t let become an ED. Haven’t engaged with the mindset. I thought it wasn’t here. At the moment way too close for comfort. I don’t know how to step back. And, I’m not sure if I want to.

Been writing gratitudes on the way to 26000. Up to 400 or so now. Aiming for 50 or more a day. Then for 2 years time maybe I’ll get to 27000. Seems daunting. But if I look just at one more (which it takes lots of thinking for, each one has to be different!) then it’s not that daunting and is more doable.

My room is pretty tidy! It’s nice to have a clear room…. and I’ve even swept it a couple times… trying to take care of myself, too.

I’m not going to work for the moment, maybe I will from home, not sure at the moment.

I have been there for above friend in other ways. To listen to her. Just didn’t step in when she really needed help and there was no one to do anything. ‘Just’.

Trying to study. I was thinking about life. Where I want to be. To ever get a job and earn enough money to rent an apartment I need at least some qualifications. I’m paying school off for a course I’m taking – they laid out the money for me. I may as well do the assignments. I would love to get a BA and then an MA in educational psychology. The only way I’ll ever get a BA is if I actually finish the course I’m signed up for. Do the next part which will take another half a year. Looking at a year plus of study. If I actually do it. I’m trying to. Something I’ve been hearing and repeating a lot is that motivation isn’t ways there. It’s just doing it anyways.

So long as there’s life, there’s hope.

E

Will acknowledging what I want make it worse?

Someone wrote something to me along these lines and it reminded me of all the times I’ve wondered if I should accept what I want.

There’s an inherent problem with accepting what you want (or what happened, a situation, what you feel et al,), for acceptance requires complete awareness of what is. There’s no way to accept something without knowing all the nuances.

I had an analogy that helped me to explain what I mean. I wake up at night and I’m scared that there is a monster under my bed. So either I can huddle under the covers and hide, or I can look under my bed. If I look under the bed there’s another 2 options. Either I will find that the monster is just a bit of fluff, or the monster, upon seeing me, will drag me under the bed and I’ll have to fight it. Either it’s stronger than me and will win, or I will win.

What happens to the monster under my bed? Hiding is the safest option. I won’t know what is there or what it looks like. Facing it is the better option. But what if it eats me? Maybe there’s a way to create a battle plan. Maybe I can look under the bed dressed in armour. Maybe someone can be on my bed and hold onto me whilst I peek so that if it’s too big for me the person will rescue me and we’ll create a battle plan.

The problem with acceptance and/or letting go is that first we have to face whatever it is that we need to accept/let go of. Be that guilt, addiction, anger, demons in the head, or anything is.

My life really demonstrates that. One of the things I found really hard was that I didn’t ever want to do anything but was just doing it. I never had the choice not to purge, not to self harm, because I only knew that I wanted to because I found myself doing it. I couldn’t choose a different option. To choose another path I had to be aware first of what was going on.

Or take the same principle with guilt. I knew I was guilty for living. There was no way for me to let go of the guilt for I didn’t know where it came from. To let go of it I first had to know why I was guilty, I first had to face the 9 year old Eliza and see what was and let her know it wasn’t her fault. I had to accept the guilt. The only way to do that was through facing it.

There is no way to accept or let go of something if you don’t know what the something is or looks like.

Will acknowledging what I want/feel make it worse?

The problem with acknowledging it is real. If I think about and face just how much I want to destroy myself maybe I will act on it? Maybe I’ll face it and see it isn’t as real as I thought. Alternately, maybe it IS as real and even more real then I knew for I’m always hiding from the intensity.

Journaling is a tool that has always helped me to work through my life. I actually had this exact question recently. I didn’t realise that until this minute. There is a lot of stuff I need to let go of for holding onto it hinders me. I created a space to write about it for I realised having a space to do that would help since writing helps me let go. The problem was that I was then thinking about it all the time. Which harmed me. Thinking about it constantly just made me angry and resentful. I don’t need to do that. I need to feel and face the resentment to let it go. Not to wallow in it. So I had to stop thinking about it too much, and instead just write about it every so often and use just that time, and writing, to feel it, face it, not wallow in it, in order to let it go.

Making it real is good and bad. Making it real, facing it, means you can accept it and move on. But first you have to be strong enough to do that.

What if really it is too big? One option might be looking at it with an professional and hiding the rest of the time. Another option is accountability. Maybe anyone reading this has more options.

Will acknowledging it make it worse? I think the answer is that it can in the short term, but in the long term it’ll make it better for without facing it there’s no knowing what is there and no way to do anything about it.

What do you think?

Love, light, and glitter

Pesach is a time of freedom. Whether or not you celebrate this time, and however you may celebrate, wishing you all freedom from the internal and external shackles that stop you living the life of your dreams.
Day 5 of sefirat haomer

Am I to blame?

Blaming. It’s always easier to blame oneself or another. Blaming gives a feeling of control so that if I can attribute a to x then I’m in control.

I’m dizzy. I’m blaming, or was, myself for it. I was dizzy and had already run the bath. I thought that maybe I shouldn’t have a bath and then decided that I had already run it and planned on coating myself with Dead Sea mud and should just. I’ve had baths often recently and it’s always been okay. So I decided to have a bath.

That was a bad idea. It was okay when I was having the bath. Getting up I was dizzy. I sat on the floor of the bathroom leaning against the bathtub for a while. Went back in the shower to clean.myself up when I couldn’t really but wasn’t going to spin any longer. And yes, I’m still dizzy. Even though it took me half an hour to put pjs on. I’m in bed now and still slightly dizzy.

It’s easy to say I was stupid. Which I was doing earlier. I’m not stupid. I made a legitimate mistake. Saying I’m stupid and shouldn’t have done that puts the responsibility for the dizziness on me. And gives me some feeling of control. When, it isn’t my fault. This dizziness used to be constant and I’m so grateful it isn’t. There was a time I didn’t have baths for I wouldn’t risk the dizziness getting up in a bath. I haven’t had to do that in a while and although I could have chosen not to I didn’t know it would make me spin so much, and that’s okay.

Blaming is easy. Blaming is way easier than realising this is just the reality with no cause. This just is, and all there is, is accepting it, being grateful for the good, and moving on.

I find blaming myself easier. For everything. My natural response – learned response – is guilt, blame, and taking responsibility for everyone (but myself). Blame is easier. And it’s not the way I want to live my life. It’s not the way I’m choosing to live my life. I’m choosing another way. The way of love. And acceptance.

Random aside. I haven’t seen some bloggers I follows posts in a long time. I don’t think it’s just that they haven’t posted – so many haven’t posted?? – so until I figure it out, I’m thinking of you all and sending sunshine, sparkles, love, light, and of course some glitter…

Thinking about using.

Why did I use?

To destroy myself. I had to get rid of myself and the way to do so was through playing with the edge.

Why did I escape?

Because of the guilt. I escaped with everything and anything. A lot innocuous. I never lived in the world. I was never present. Coz of the guilt for existing. The guilt for being. The knowledge that by living I hurt others. That by living I made others suicidal. By living I’m a threat to others.

What have I learned about the guilt/destruction since stopping using?
Guilt.

I’m not guilty for existing. I still believe I am. More and more there are parts of me that know I’m not. I’ve learned that it’s others issues. I learned that I knew I was guilty. Until I stopped using i never knew that I was guilty. It was only stopping that let me see it. Not stopping. Stopping one thing and going to something more sdestructive. That’s what I did until I was playing with death.

Guilt. I knew I was guilty for thinking. I knew I was guilty for feeling. I knew I was guilty for speaking. I knew I was guilty for existing.

I know. I know no one intentionally taught that to me. I know people who lived through hell (unlike my life which was a relatively happy place) and their belief wasn’t guilt. For honestly there was/is no guilt necessary. I know I’m not responsible. (some part of me knows) I know it’s not my issue. I’m learning to let go of all the responsibility for everyones lives that I always carried, and to, begin to, take responsibility for myself – something I never, ever did.

Destruction

I’ve learned that the need for destruction was an act of love on my part. I wanted to give myself what I deserved. I wasn’t trying to kill myself, but destroy myself. Stopping using taught me that. Stopping self harming taught me that. For then I knew why I wanted to.


I’m the person who can give myself what I need. Something I’ve been learning for a while. All the letters I have written to myself. Writing to myself has helped me to access a part of me that I never knew existed. I had never known I was capable of being so kind, gentle and compassionate with and to myself – the person I hate, abhorred, despised most in the world. The only being I really hated. Myself. I could honour myself. Show myself love.


What have I learned since I’ve stopped using?

Once I stopped using, cocodamol was the last thing I turned to. I stopped escaping. The destruction was still there, still played a role in my life (self harm, eating disordered behaviour if not full blown) but I didn’t escape.

  • I learned to acknowledge what I want.
  • I learned to accept what I want.
  • I learned that most people I turn to will let me down
  • I learned to be present. I first learned I wasn’t present by being present. Being present in the world is one of the biggest things I’ve gained. I’m actually here. It’s using this thought that helps me understand last night – I didn’t feel present. Being here. I chose not to tune out. I can’t always choose not to.
  • I’ve learned how far I still have to go (that’s a diff point). I’ve sen how fair I’ve come. Being present means I can be there. I can actually be there. Without wondering if I exist or am just an illusion.
  • I’ve learned, begun learning, to tune into my body. More like, my body sometimes feels safe enough to give me a message. I only get messages of constriction – the not breathing, chest hurting that can spread everywhere (sometimes a pit in the stomach).
  • I’ve learned to accept what I want to do to myself. Some of what I want to do is too gruesome for me to think about without freaking – unless I’m wanting it now, in which case I let myself want it.
  • I’ve learned that there is a pause. There is a pause that never used to exist. Between what I want and what I do. Because I was so not not present I never knew what I wanted to do until I was in the middle of doing it. Now there is some awareness. A thought. Knowledge.
  • I’ve learned there is choice.
  • I’ve learned that I like touch even if I can’t let others touch me.
  • I’ve begun learning that there is such a thing as feelings and emotions even if I can’t access either.
  • I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve seen how I can’t handle some things and I can others.
  • I’ve learned that I’m way stronger and more courageous than I believe.
  • I’ve learned that I’ve social anxiety.
  • I’ve learned how to ground myself.
  • I’ve learned that I know. I know.
  • I’ve learned that I exist. I exist as a person. I’m allowed to want. I still don’t know what I want. I’ve learned I can want though.
  • I’ve learned that life is a journey of learning. A journey that maybe it’ll be okay to exist for.

I’ve learned. I’ve learned. I can go on and on.

I’ve learned and still learn so much. Every time I want to use or self harm I learn something new about myself. I see – if it’s possible to – why I want what I want.. Which is how I learn what I need.

I don’t know why I want to use so much now. I know it’s not the need for destruction. I know it’s not the escape. It’s a need. A need for – ? I can’t face it now.

If I use. I never will face what the need is or know why I need it. If I don’t use I have that chance. Of learning something new about myself.


My period really does hurt. Not that I feel it as I’m writing this. I don’t know that I won’t use at all over the next week. I don’t know that I won’t use. And, something I’m forgetting, I don’t have a week ahead of me. I only have the moment I’m living. It could be one of those moments I’ll choose to use. My choice now doesn’t have to be based on a choice I’m not yet facing.

One thing that really helps me is grounding myself in the present. I know I said I’m so grateful to be present, yet often enough, I’m not realy present.

I’m tired. I want to cry. I want to use. In some ways I do want destruction, but it’s not the same need it was. I want to self harm. It’s not the same. I don’t understand it. I don’t need to.

I don’t know if I can or can’t do it. I don’t know if I will or won’t get there. I do know that as I said I don’t need to base my choices in the present on the outcomes of a future that doesn’t yet exist. Every moment is a new moment. Even if it all feels the same. Which is doesn’t. For I’m flipping constantly. Between wanting to take a couple of cocodamol – it’s just so, so present and real, and a need – and being okay as I am in the moment. No moment is ever the same. And I have no idea what will or won’t be. Which is as it’s meant to be. I’m not committing to anything. I don’t want to get there. I don’t want to face why I so don’t want to. I want to fail. I want to end up using. I’m allowed to want that. And I can focus on what else I want. I want to be okay. I want to stay okay. I want to keep all I’ve learned and keep learning and taking new steps. The duality. Which can and does exist. Just is. As I. Just am.