Someone wrote something to me along these lines and it reminded me of all the times I’ve wondered if I should accept what I want.
There’s an inherent problem with accepting what you want (or what happened, a situation, what you feel et al,), for acceptance requires complete awareness of what is. There’s no way to accept something without knowing all the nuances.
I had an analogy that helped me to explain what I mean. I wake up at night and I’m scared that there is a monster under my bed. So either I can huddle under the covers and hide, or I can look under my bed. If I look under the bed there’s another 2 options. Either I will find that the monster is just a bit of fluff, or the monster, upon seeing me, will drag me under the bed and I’ll have to fight it. Either it’s stronger than me and will win, or I will win.
What happens to the monster under my bed? Hiding is the safest option. I won’t know what is there or what it looks like. Facing it is the better option. But what if it eats me? Maybe there’s a way to create a battle plan. Maybe I can look under the bed dressed in armour. Maybe someone can be on my bed and hold onto me whilst I peek so that if it’s too big for me the person will rescue me and we’ll create a battle plan.
The problem with acceptance and/or letting go is that first we have to face whatever it is that we need to accept/let go of. Be that guilt, addiction, anger, demons in the head, or anything is.
My life really demonstrates that. One of the things I found really hard was that I didn’t ever want to do anything but was just doing it. I never had the choice not to purge, not to self harm, because I only knew that I wanted to because I found myself doing it. I couldn’t choose a different option. To choose another path I had to be aware first of what was going on.
Or take the same principle with guilt. I knew I was guilty for living. There was no way for me to let go of the guilt for I didn’t know where it came from. To let go of it I first had to know why I was guilty, I first had to face the 9 year old Eliza and see what was and let her know it wasn’t her fault. I had to accept the guilt. The only way to do that was through facing it.
There is no way to accept or let go of something if you don’t know what the something is or looks like.
Will acknowledging what I want/feel make it worse?
The problem with acknowledging it is real. If I think about and face just how much I want to destroy myself maybe I will act on it? Maybe I’ll face it and see it isn’t as real as I thought. Alternately, maybe it IS as real and even more real then I knew for I’m always hiding from the intensity.
Journaling is a tool that has always helped me to work through my life. I actually had this exact question recently. I didn’t realise that until this minute. There is a lot of stuff I need to let go of for holding onto it hinders me. I created a space to write about it for I realised having a space to do that would help since writing helps me let go. The problem was that I was then thinking about it all the time. Which harmed me. Thinking about it constantly just made me angry and resentful. I don’t need to do that. I need to feel and face the resentment to let it go. Not to wallow in it. So I had to stop thinking about it too much, and instead just write about it every so often and use just that time, and writing, to feel it, face it, not wallow in it, in order to let it go.
Making it real is good and bad. Making it real, facing it, means you can accept it and move on. But first you have to be strong enough to do that.
What if really it is too big? One option might be looking at it with an professional and hiding the rest of the time. Another option is accountability. Maybe anyone reading this has more options.
Will acknowledging it make it worse? I think the answer is that it can in the short term, but in the long term it’ll make it better for without facing it there’s no knowing what is there and no way to do anything about it.
What do you think?
Love, light, and glitter