Someone wrote something to me along these lines and it reminded me of all the times I’ve wondered if I should accept what I want.

There’s an inherent problem with accepting what you want (or what happened, a situation, what you feel et al,), for acceptance requires complete awareness of what is. There’s no way to accept something without knowing all the nuances.

I had an analogy that helped me to explain what I mean. I wake up at night and I’m scared that there is a monster under my bed. So either I can huddle under the covers and hide, or I can look under my bed. If I look under the bed there’s another 2 options. Either I will find that the monster is just a bit of fluff, or the monster, upon seeing me, will drag me under the bed and I’ll have to fight it. Either it’s stronger than me and will win, or I will win.

What happens to the monster under my bed? Hiding is the safest option. I won’t know what is there or what it looks like. Facing it is the better option. But what if it eats me? Maybe there’s a way to create a battle plan. Maybe I can look under the bed dressed in armour. Maybe someone can be on my bed and hold onto me whilst I peek so that if it’s too big for me the person will rescue me and we’ll create a battle plan.

The problem with acceptance and/or letting go is that first we have to face whatever it is that we need to accept/let go of. Be that guilt, addiction, anger, demons in the head, or anything is.

My life really demonstrates that. One of the things I found really hard was that I didn’t ever want to do anything but was just doing it. I never had the choice not to purge, not to self harm, because I only knew that I wanted to because I found myself doing it. I couldn’t choose a different option. To choose another path I had to be aware first of what was going on.

Or take the same principle with guilt. I knew I was guilty for living. There was no way for me to let go of the guilt for I didn’t know where it came from. To let go of it I first had to know why I was guilty, I first had to face the 9 year old Eliza and see what was and let her know it wasn’t her fault. I had to accept the guilt. The only way to do that was through facing it.

There is no way to accept or let go of something if you don’t know what the something is or looks like.

Will acknowledging what I want/feel make it worse?

The problem with acknowledging it is real. If I think about and face just how much I want to destroy myself maybe I will act on it? Maybe I’ll face it and see it isn’t as real as I thought. Alternately, maybe it IS as real and even more real then I knew for I’m always hiding from the intensity.

Journaling is a tool that has always helped me to work through my life. I actually had this exact question recently. I didn’t realise that until this minute. There is a lot of stuff I need to let go of for holding onto it hinders me. I created a space to write about it for I realised having a space to do that would help since writing helps me let go. The problem was that I was then thinking about it all the time. Which harmed me. Thinking about it constantly just made me angry and resentful. I don’t need to do that. I need to feel and face the resentment to let it go. Not to wallow in it. So I had to stop thinking about it too much, and instead just write about it every so often and use just that time, and writing, to feel it, face it, not wallow in it, in order to let it go.

Making it real is good and bad. Making it real, facing it, means you can accept it and move on. But first you have to be strong enough to do that.

What if really it is too big? One option might be looking at it with an professional and hiding the rest of the time. Another option is accountability. Maybe anyone reading this has more options.

Will acknowledging it make it worse? I think the answer is that it can in the short term, but in the long term it’ll make it better for without facing it there’s no knowing what is there and no way to do anything about it.

What do you think?

Love, light, and glitter

Pesach is a time of freedom. Whether or not you celebrate this time, and however you may celebrate, wishing you all freedom from the internal and external shackles that stop you living the life of your dreams.
Day 5 of sefirat haomer

85 thoughts on “Will acknowledging what I want make it worse?

  1. I agree, acknowledging is the best and bravest thing to do. Ignoring/convincing yourself otherwise can only last for so long
    I love reading your thought process, you have a great way of comminicating ๐Ÿ™‚
    power to the local dreamer ||-//

    Liked by 7 people

  2. Iโ€™ve always been a great believer in facing it rather than hiding, but I think a person has to be ready to do that. Sometimes that means feeling theyโ€™ve got enough support with them or reserves to deal with whatever they might find. So I can understand why sometimes itโ€™s easier to use denial. Just not healthy to try to for a long time, as these things tend to eventually fester underneath the surface, regardless of whether we choose to look or look away! So eventually it has to be faced, one way or another. Though maybe all in good time and no big rush.

    Liked by 7 people

      1. Funnily enough Iโ€™ve just posted about that this afternoon! Some good, some not to good, but Iโ€™ve probably got it easier than a lot of people…
        How about you?

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I’m looking forward to reading it. Probably only will get there next week after pesach. I was asking coz you hadn’t updated that at all.
          It’s good here. Indoors too much- and should get out but will try to next week.
          ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

          Liked by 2 people

          1. Thanks for asking, and you donโ€™t have to read it! The short version is Iโ€™m loving the quiet streets and MS being better for rest, but husband is being difficult and I canโ€™t escape in a lockdown! Itโ€™s only little stuff though so no big dramas. Will be glad to get back out there though. I hope you manage to get out next week as you hope to. ๐Ÿค—

            Liked by 2 people

            1. I went for a run this morning – well first day of couch to 5 k which is running.
              I hope to read it. I’m catching up with comments first because they often disappear from my notifications.
              I hope it gets easier not harder….
              ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

              Liked by 2 people

                    1. I remember when one of my siblings started at that point, now theyโ€™ve done a total of 15 marathons! ๐Ÿ˜†

                      Liked by 1 person

                    2. Email me, with the pictures? I was thinking suddenly that with the cult(ure) you grew up, it was religious, so you may actually have a large family. Which if you’re in contact with them is fun. ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

                      Liked by 2 people

                    3. Yeah, Iโ€™m sure that would have been a reason as birth control wasnโ€™t allowed! I didnโ€™t like growing up with all the others and dreamt of being adopted, but there are one or two of them that I feel closer to, one especially. In fact, there are so many of us that it was like having two families stuck together, the older lot and the younger lot! Iโ€™ll send you an email, which one are you using – the one on your website?

                      Liked by 2 people

                    4. Thanks! I’ve never yet anyone online who has a family my size. In real life lotsa people! Depends which culture within cultures re birth control here.
                      I’m glad you have the ones you’re closer to. Some of them will have experienced at least some of what you did.
                      ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

                      Liked by 2 people

                    5. Ah ok! Nice to meet another one from a large family!
                      It seems that they didnโ€™t have the exorcisms like I did, which is a bit weird, but then again I wear the scapegoat badge of honour with pride because I like that I had something that walked my own path.

                      Liked by 2 people

    1. Yup! I had what else to reply to you but once I started writing this… and I didn’t want to just reply until I had the time. But yeah, this is some it ๐Ÿ™‚
      I think the point is that there’s a difference between facing something and wallowing in it. One thing I learned from krav maga is that you shouldn’t engage with it anymore than necessary. But I think even if you take the principles of krav maga, of running away, it’s hard to run if you don’t know what is there. I’m not even sure if you’ll see this!
      Love, light, and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

        1. What good? Because you can help rebuild the world and you don’t need to be in pain coz others are.
          Yeah, all okay here. Sad news which we’re mostly okay with.
          Love, light, and glitter

          Like

          1. Being a daughter of a health worker, who is working 24*7 everyday, I can relate to the condition of the health workers around the globe. Neither any govt, nor any other civilian would know their pain. But we are together on this. We will fight it together. We can’t sit in any corner of the world, relaxing that everything’s fine.
            We can’t just relax,thinking everything WILL BE OKAY! Because it just isn’t.
            Good to know that everything’s fine there. Hope the situation will remain okay in future too.
            Love
            A friend.

            Liked by 2 people

            1. We dont know their pain… there’s the line between doing what you can and worrying. We can do our part to change the world but shouldn’t drive ourselves crazy.
              How old are you?
              Love light and glitter

              Like

  3. It depends on what you want, Dear Eliza. If what you want benefits you, then by all means, acknowledge and go for it! If what you want is destructive, then remind yourself that you donโ€™t have to believe every thought that pops into your head. โค๏ธ๐ŸŒ…โœจ

    Liked by 6 people

    1. That’s a really great thought. This post was mainly about destructive thoughts but I was knowing it can be applied to everything at all. The point mainly being that you can’t accept or deal with something if you don’t know what the something is, and that acknowledging it may make it worse but in the long run is better. But I like your thought. I sometimes think that – it’s just a thought – and it’s a good thing to remind myself…
      Love, light, and glitter

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Yes, I did see it. Thank you. My issue, or one of them at least, is that I fought my battle. For years, I wallowed in it, ignored, washed way, etc. I then found a program and immersed myself in it. I found peace. Then, circumstances changed, I did as well, and to some extent, old behaviors reared their ugly head again. I have no patience or energy to face those demons any longer. They also don’t wreck my life on a constant basis like they have done in the past. Yes, engaging in these behaviors, and especially now that I have upped the ante and the risk factor, can be extremely damaging and detrimental to life, but “ignoring” it seems to help me.
    Does that make any sense?
    Thanks
    And you do have a special way of writing.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Wow, Eliza, you did a really good job explaining that clearly.

    Sure, sometimes it’s more soothing (at first) to cower and to hope “the monster” doesn’t exist. We all should know about this, because we all have been there. In so doing, though, the only thing we’ve accomplished is to conjure an all-too-real specter, Gnawing Uncertainty. And now we have a monster for sure.

    Instead, take a peek under the bed. Lord knows, you’ve brought along a whole army of friends to help with this endeavor., all of your readers, plus all of those you know from face-to-face life.

    If there is a monster under there, we’ll figure out what to do next. Not particularly sporting of us, though as it’s just him versus all of us.

    On the other hand, if the only thing we find is colony of dust-bunnies (when’s the last time you vacuumed under here, Eliza?) we all can have a good laugh about it afterwards.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thanks TA!! I was hoping it was understandable to others but myself ๐Ÿ™‚
      Dust bunnies. Maybe we can make art with them? ๐Ÿ’•
      Love, light, and glitter

      Liked by 2 people

    1. I wrote this to explain it to others. Though what do I know? And it might not be as clear as I thought.

      What would I journal about? Awesomeness! Running. Pictures – when I have time. Gratitude challenge. Acts of kindness. If I’ve time :).

      Love, light, and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks! That is so nice of you. I’ll check out your post. If I do it I’ll let you know (I haven’t answered awards at all in the past year, but you never know!)
      I appreciate the thought…
      Love, light, and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

  6. That’s a difficult question to answer as simple as it may sound. Certainly acknowledging would be the right thing to do, and in hindsight the best indeed lest the denial will only make the monster monstrous! Many a times we just aren’t in the right frame of mind, or we don’t have that strength and rather prefer to drift in the make believe world that seems beautiful than reality. Again wouldn’t we still wonder that the monster has latched onto us in that world of unicorns and rainbows, only to catch us suddenly without notice. I guess we need to be brave, have that strength to turn around and see the fear and for all you know it may be something we will laugh about; or may be we can use a ‘mirror’ and peek into the reflection to see what’s chasing us, the ‘mirror’ that was forged with the help of family, strength and belief, our loved ones and faith ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for reading and for sharing.
      The support of others is always invaluable… I love the idea of a mirror! It’s a good addition.
      Love, light, and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Course it makes sense…
    I don’t have the life experience you do. So what do I really know?
    I do know that your children are lucky to have you there for them. I know this from what you’ve shared about them, and from how they relate to you.
    Ignoring it does help. It’s one way of dealing with it. The only problem is that it becomes bigger both in reality and in imagination.
    The point of any programme is to deal with what’s behind it. I look at what I want as telling me I’ve still got work to do. I don’t think of suicide, for which I’m grateful. The wanting the other destructive things tells me that there’s still all I have to change or let go of.

    And, thanks! I really appreciate that. I feel like what I write makes sense to me and I’m never sure if others understand it at all. Often feels like talking different languages. I’m glad that it makes sense to someone ๐Ÿ™‚

    Love, light and glitter

    I hope your chag was okay.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. We seemed not able to really know things all at once until certain meโ€™s were ready. we chose in-patient hospitalization to dive in. It took 3-4 hospitalizations over2-3 yearsโ€”plus therapyโ€”before we could journal it and assemble the pieces to show us a picture.

    Nothing in that picture was new. Every trauma was known. Just not richly, nuanced and โ€œat once.โ€ Even now as we write this, meโ€™s are starting to hide information. Assembling too much feels dangerous, like thinking about the monster under the bed

    We donโ€™t feel the need to assemble it right now, to know more.

    We think healing occurs by (1) practicing getting to the present and staying there through flashbacks and what-not. (2) Getting tools to survive change. we try to see all of life as impermanent, always changing. So we want skills to survive and then eventually to thrive. For us itโ€™s a combo platter of NVC (which is rooted in basic Buddhism) and some Buddhist thought. (3) We get to decide if we go back and process (ie EMDR) or just continue living. We are not sure that, once we are able to fully process, we will want to fully process any longer. Itโ€™s like a conundrum: Wanting to know and striving, clinging, avoiding all make it harder to accept Now. Once we accept Now, wanting to know may diminish.

    Could you survive on the bed not knowing whatโ€™s under it, then thrive on the bed? Once you are thriving, you can decide if knowing what is under the bed even matters to you any more

    Does that make any sense?
    โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’•
    Have you polished off the matzos yet?

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks for sharing.
      I really like this, especially how your ending. It makes lotsa sense. I guess if you learn to thrive without facing the monster than you’ll be bigger than it so can choose whether to face it or not.

      Yup, finished matzos. It’s actually lots better than challah for me. Now that pesach is over we’re back to challah. My family love my mothers and I just want matzos back!

      Love, light, and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Hello Eliza, I think that journaling and speaking to a professional therapist are both great ways to delve deep into the psyche. As you and I both know, we can get lost in our darkest thoughts. Psychologists and psychiatrists over the years have helped me with perspective. Blogging has helped me share my thoughts and feel less isolated. Sending you a hug! โค๏ธ

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thanks Kerry…
      Yeah there’s such a fine line between facing and wallowing. Hard to walk that line oneself. I’m wondering what I’ll do about a couple of things. If I’ll try myself or not.

      How are you doing?

      ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ•ฏโœจ

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am doing okay, to my surprise. Some days are bleak but today was good because I saw the mama and papa bluebirds on their nesting box. I find surrounding myself in nature a good way of seeing some perspective. Hugs to you. K x

        Liked by 1 person

            1. I want a ranch. With a forest. And pond. And stream. And hedges. And miles of land. Maybe it should be like you say off my land for I don’t think I can be bothered taking care of it. Unless you give me some millions and I can hire people to take care of it for life…

              Liked by 1 person

  10. I read this a bunch of times. It’s something I’m not sure about in my weaker moments, but my coherent mind leans towards dealing with it. Facing my demons and fears or else I will always be stuck having them face me in the ugliest of ways. Facing them (and only slightly!) has meant a more liberated me and a more liberated life. The demons, the behaviors I so despise, they’re not gone. But I am so much more equipped to deal with the fallout, if there is any. Because facing my demons has meant realizing and accepting that the things I thought were too huge and insurmountable are actually just as big as I want to make them be. Which sometimes means it’s still huge and insurmountable, and other times it means I actually have a shot at that thing called life and inner peace. But most of the time I’m just tired:)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You read it ages ago!!!
      I actually changed my mind a bit.
      First, read others comments here, some interesting thoughts.
      Second, kay so this is really because of what’s going on at the moment. I did something stupid the past few days. After the second time I began writing about it and it made me enter ED mindset. Whereas if I just did it, I did, next. A choice, not a good choice, but is, and move on. So chose the next day. And the next. I guess that’s really the point, a point, I was trying to make there too, when I wrote about my new blog – I’ve 10 posts in my head, really 5, to write when I get there – that facing is one thing and good. Engaging too much as I wrote about in krav maga isn’t. Sometimes you’re either creating something that isn’t. Or you’re fighting and engaging with something bigger than you. Or you can wallow in it. And there’s such a fine line. I think I knew it when I wrote the post but from others comments it obviously isn’t clear enough. That whilst facing is good. There’s a line. And first stay to the side. And sometimes you don’t need to.
      And I’ve rambled…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yep, but all time has stood still and is racing by simultaneously so ages is relative;)
        I fully agree with the second point. I feel like up until last year I had been creating something that didn’t even exist. I was supported and encouraged by others. I was wallowing and not facing the problem in the slightest. It’s not even a fine line, I feel like it’s two different things entirely. That mountain out of molehill situation that happens when we do things we’d rather not, engage in escaping behaviors – the mountain can get bigger than the behavior and that is a monster of its own.
        Rambling is encouraged on your own blog;)

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Oh my, I’m laughing so hard at that line! Yup, you got it ๐Ÿ™‚ but with you, well that is another story. One day you’ll do your part to create change in something messed up. And with the point, totally. I do need to be careful because I’m closer than a hop, skip and jump away from living with an ED, but I also definitely don’t need to create what isn’t. It’s okay to do stupid things. They don’t have to mean anything. They might not mean anything. I spend way too much effort trying to tell others that. Onto telling others, I didn’t listen to what I wrote today (two way prayer). I said I wouldn’t tell anyone about what they’re doing. And I told my mother how she views my sis in law. E, stay out!!!!! Another thing to keep to. Boundaries.
          ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

          Liked by 1 person

  11. Sadly, I will acknowledge, that I have been using the past couple of days.

    Hopefully, the “sadly” part is just about the using and not regarding the acknowledging.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I need to reply to your email… or, read the comment I replied to R. Need to really head to sleep and not be on here.
      It means whatever meaning you attribute to it. That’s what I decided when I spent a month messing up.
      Wanna hear something nice?
      ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

      Like

  12. I had an eating disorder for twelve years, and when I would ask God to forgive me after each binge, my feelings of guilt would take a while to calm down. Sometimes I would fail again before I ever felt forgiven for the last time. What finally delivered me out of it was taking God at His word. I John 1:9 says that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive our sins. I had been making the mistake of waiting until I FELT forgiven before I’d believe I really was. Finally I decided that if God was saying one thing and my emotions were saying another, my emotions were lying. That was the game changer. I have been free of that eating disorder for several decades now. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for sharing this! It makes a lot of sense. There never really was any need for guilt… several decades is amazing!!! I’m looking forward to getting to there…
      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am preparing to take on the next challenge in my life: hermiting for a while, so that I can give myself the alone time that I have been needing for a long time.
        Safe Air Hugs if wanted at this moment,
        Shira

        Liked by 2 people

  13. I lost my initial reply to this post: YES! It may feel like the ack makes it worse, at first, when you ak your need. At least that it what happens to me but then I realize that I have to ack my want, which is usually a need, and that one must ack the need before it is even possible to begin to address/brainstorm possible solutions for meeting that need. Or work-arounds when the need simply cannot be met.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Shira! Yup, I feel like this too. That until you acknowledge it you can’t go further. Just really tough when it’ll be too much to see…
      Thanks for sharing!
      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

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