I can’t figure out what I need to do to get to another side. Self harming in a way I’ve never thought of. Hood thing is I don’t think it will leave any scars and scars are finally beginning to heal. Listening to ACA, trying to really join it. Starting a mindfulness course on Thursday. I sorta know it won’t just change. Don’t know if I’m doing enough. Don’t know what to do different or more, and to be honest I don’t have the energy to figure it out. The irony is that I’m trying to set up some sort of resource at the same tone. Most the people who were really here for me, I feel like I’ve used them up and can’t keep turning to them. It isn’t fair to and feels like I’m too much. Hello whatever im doing. Which I paused to write this. I don’t really want it. I don’t really have the energy or headspace to figure out where or how to go from here.

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64 thoughts on “

  1. Most people do too much. As if they had to work and do hard things to feel good. But we know deep down that relaxing actually makes things better. So listening to some music is maybe way better than doing a lot of things which seem to help, but aren’t really. And you didn’t use me, if you thought so. I am happy to help, if I can do something. This is my purpose.

    Liked by 1 person

            1. I like the dancing…
              I like all dance movies for the dancing.
              I don’t really mind predictable movies though predictable books get me really bored…. for movies I just want something light, engaging and distracting.
              What did you think of mean girls 2? I watched that one just now. And what was it called. I can’t find the name on netflix. I think the outcasts. What did you think of those?

              Liked by 1 person

              1. haven’t watched the outcasts, may check it out. Mean Girls 2 was… ugh, there’s no way to say it nicely. it sucked, BIG time. awful. i loved the first one waaay more.
                what did you think of it?

                Liked by 1 person

                1. What is your style? What movies do you like?

                  I didn’t think much either way, just enjoyed the distraction.

                  I liked the movie accepted. Shawshank redemption ( it may be 18+). The help. Easy A. Daddy daycare. In pursuit of happyness. Homeless to Harvard. Karate kid. Hugo. Annie. Matilda. I liked the legally blondes and pitch perfect. I enjoy all dance movies no matter how predictable. I just enjoy the dancing.

                  Liked by 2 people

                  1. ooooh, nice! i like pitch perfect and stuff too! i LOVE karate kid.
                    i guess you could say my style is… different. i don’t like films like The Kissing Booth and The F**k- It List(sorry for the swear word…).
                    I like seeing different plots- or main characters who are not your standard. by standard, i mean quiet, shy, nerdy, obsessively loves eating but NEVER gets fat, and also somehow manages to have all the boys lining up for them- this is what i see with female characters. and they’re all predominantly white(not to be racist, sorry. but it’s true.)
                    my point being- i don’t like stereotypes. i’m sick of seeing perfect skinny girls and boys with Herculean bodies. i’m sick of the same old plot-twists. i’m sick of the fact that they’re all so UNREALISTIC. i know, it’s supposed to be fictitious. but i would like to have a leading protagonist that i can RELATE to. i wanna see boys break down sobbing, because that’s never shown in the movies(a PRIME example of toxic masculinity.) i just wanna see something DIFFERENT, i guess.
                    and speaking of which movies i like- i enjoyed Crazy Rich Asians. absolutely loved the Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. Isn’t It Romantic is, till date, one of my absolute favorites. Five Feet Apart was a little bit cliched and predictable, but i liked it nonetheless. Mirror Mirror was nice to watch, though i’d have liked some more racial diversity. Ocean’s 8 is great as well. i love how they SOMEHOW managed to pull off that heist.

                    Liked by 1 person

                    1. I haven’t watched those. Have you ever seen the Slumdog millionaire? The help?
                      Really I read more than I watch.
                      I loved all pitch prefects. And I hear what you’re saying about the protagonists all being the same. I can’t remember if dirty dancing or centre stage was the same- they’re dance movies. And Juno.

                      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think that most people think too much, but don’t do enough, contrary to the above comment. By doing I mean doing things that lift us up. I agree with the above comment as well – especially listening to music. It gets us out of our own heads.

    When you self harm, see it for what it is. Don’t label it. Don’t label your emotions either. Rather, observe them. Be the observer of your own actions…. but don’t analyze (hard to do but crucial). Observe how you feel before, during, and after. What did you get out of self-harming? Was that feeling fleeting? How do you feel 30 min after? 1 hour after? 1 day after? Has self harming ever solved any problems for you? If not, then why do it, knowing what the outcome is going to be? And if you self-harm again, know that you already know the outcome of it. If it’s not an outcome you like, it will be easier to choose the better outcome next time. The reason why you self harm is because it’s serving you in some way. Even if it doesn’t make you feel good.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do feel I have. And I did text a friend. I don’t want to tell her how much it meant to me that she was there because I don’t want her feeling any pressure… she’s one of the busiest people I know (she’s got such a lot on her plate with her family).

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You are a child of God… You are no less than any other human…. Be gentle towards yourself. ❤❤
    Your angels are there to help and guide you. Just trust them and surrender your feelings into the universe…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “i try to take it one day at a time, but several days attack me at once.”- Ashleigh Brilliant. it’s one of my favorites.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Eliza, I think the mindfulness class sounds like a great idea! I think I might enjoy such a class myself.
    There is also music therapy, but I don’t know much about it. Please don’t feel that you have used up some reservoir of goodwill with those who care about you. I want to support you if there is anything I can do, and I am sure others feel the same. Ask for what you want! All the best, Cheryl

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey! Hold on kiddo. You are loved and appreciated. Go outside, take a walk in the woods, go to the beach, give a homeless person a dollar. There is a lot you can do that will help. Mainly, Love yourself the way you are; That is itself, transformative. Dr. Bob

    Liked by 2 people

  6. The mindfulness class is nice for a start!
    Relax (try as hard as it may be) and cross every bridge when it arrives…you are strong, you shall get past it, this is a mere obstacle along the way.
    Spill your thoughts out onto paper (or this blog), it’ll definitely help you cope with it!
    💙💙–hope you feel better soon

    Liked by 2 people

  7. hey E,
    please don’t hesitate to reach out. when we’re alone, we’re most vulnerable- there’s power in numbers.
    you’re not “too much”. you’re just perfect. you’re just you. reaching out keeps us human.
    maybe try sleeping? or crying? i know, sounds crazy. as though crying is like making pie. well, i think that bottling up emotions is exhausting because it takes so much to tame them and keep them inside. there’s no shame in the occasional breakdown.
    the mindfullness class sounds awesome! it’s great that you’re doing it.
    you know, when i’ve too much going on or too many things to do, i just grab the nearest piece of paper and scrawl down a masterlist. it helps. then i know what to do next and how to do it.
    we’re here for you, E. always and forever.
    “the only thing we know about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”- Jeff Rich.
    relax. calm. breathe.
    you’ve got this, E. you’ve got this.

    love always,
    [gotw}

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love your quotes. You’re overflowing with them 🙂
      Writing a list is helpful.
      I expect change to be the big things when logically it won’t be.
      I’m trying to create a resource of letters – did I tell you about it?
      Looking forward to the course…. it’ll be good. I know this specific course and it’s better than most I’ve come across.
      Love, light and glitter

      Liked by 1 person

      1. i find that quotes are particularly lovely. they seem to capture the very essence of life in a few simple words, like the light of the Sun captured into a single jar. i think that’s beautiful.
        “my words are stars that i cannot fathom into constellations.”- John Green.
        love always,
        [gotw}

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m sorry to hear you feel like this.

    I’m glad you aren’t scarring, but please don’t feel that self-harm without scarring is “good.” Hurting yourself is never good, although I understand how much it feels like a release when you are struggling with your feelings.

    I’m not going to tell you what to do, as I don’t know your journey well enough, where you are, what you’ve tried etc. But stuff that’s helped me includes anti-depressants, therapy (many years’ worth, with different therapists), calling Samaritans, support groups. Different things helped at different times.

    One thing I did when I was very depressed and suicidal was create a “distraction box.” Basically a big cardboard box that I put anything that could help my mood when I was feeling suicidal: books, DVDs, music, print outs of supportive emails and blog comments from friends. Other people put in soft toys, even perfumes, anything that will help you out of your mood. I found that just knowing I had it was really helpful.

    I don’t know if you’ve “used up” your support network, but I think people here are saying you can still contact them. If you want to reach out to someone else, you can contact me. I know you don’t know me that well, but I know about self-destruction and am a good listener.

    I hope today is a better day.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I texted a friend in the end. I don’t know. I feel a bit like I’ve been living in crisis mode for the last 6 weeks. So the first few weeks others were really there. Then I was, am in many ways, in a way safer space. So, I don’t know.
      I do hope to figure out therapy. Tried to get through to my GP again today. I don’t know whether I want to go privately. Because I don’t have the energy to contact and search (I did contact 4 private therapists and haven’t looked since then). I’m going to do this mindfulness course. Trying to really join ACA. And, I don’t know.
      Thanks for caring.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s good that you texted your friend! How have you been today?

        It’s hard when you feel in permanent crisis, even without lockdown. I’ve been there too.

        I think therapy might be helpful for you if you can find the right therapist. If you can afford to go privately, it might be better, because I think the NHS would limit the amount of therapy you can get, and from some of the things you’ve written, I suspect you might need to see a therapist for a while to build up trust and rapport before you can actually get into the “business” of therapy (everyone has to do that, but I think you might take longer to build up the trust). Finding the energy to search is hard though. I did that recently too and it’s not easy. Were none of the four you contacted suitable?

        The mindfulness course sounds positive, and joining ACA.

        Something else that you could try is to print out positive emails and blog comments that I’ve received and stick them up somewhere I see them to remind me that people have said positive things about me, even if I don’t believe it. That won’t change your mood entirely, but it might blunt the negativity a bit and stop you feeling that you’ve used people up.

        Please remember that you matter, even if you don’t believe it.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I like the idea of printing out others comments and emails. Compiling them and making a scrapbook would be cool. If I ever do it….

          You’re completely right re a therapist… the 4 I contacted, 2 aren’t taking anyone new, one didn’t reply, the other told me she doesn’t do hard work where the therapist would have to do as much work as I was describing. And there are so few who would be completely comfortable talking about anything risky to start off with, never kind that I’m actually engaging with it now (the self harm isn’t a risk factor, ODing is).

          My friend is gorgeous. I don’t know why I’ve been blessed to have her as part of my life. I’m grateful.

          Liked by 1 person

  9. It’s really gonna be fine and before that it’s perfectly fine to not be fine . In a book I read recently there was this eye opening thing I would like to quote . “Pain is universal constant . Alleviation not the removal of it is what we call happiness. ”
    The day we understand , actually understand (I have not , not yet) we are gonna pass through it . I would really recommend you to read Mark Manson’s – Everything is fucked . its been a real great book , you might find some answers there . And it’s fine to be tired , take a rest , re-energise and move at your own pace , be you
    I am glad to inform that I have nominated you for the Real Neat Blog Award , check out the post here https://dreamittillitcomestrue.home.blog/2020/08/11/real-neat-blogger-award-nomination/
    Answer if you have time and feel fine

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ll look at the book if I remember and check out your post when I’ve the headspace.

      Thanks for passing by….

      Sending hugs and sunshine

      Like

  10. You don’t need the self-harm, you really don’t! I know it may feel helpful now, but later you’ll just be left with more pain and no relief. I don’t know if this was suggested already but if it’s pain you’re going for can you try snapping a rubber band or holding ice? Holding the ice is one of the most helpful substitutes I’ve found for harm. The mindfulness class will be a good start; things may not change 100% but I bet you’ll be able to find small areas of growth with time. Just make sure you’re open to it. Holding you in my thoughts!

    Liked by 1 person

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