I have a special needs sister. Who we were brought up to believe she was normal. Which means I have no clue what is or isn’t normal, what’s manipulative, what is because she is special needs. Not that it makes a difference. So today she was yelling and crying about stuff that isn’t my responsibility. Because I was trying to help her. And told her that I was going to buy something for her and the very worst is that I don’t buy it. Will she die if I don’t buy it? She’ll still be here. She was yelling at me. I left. When I came down I told her I didn’t deserve that. She was crying and yelling some more. Though usually her tears are put on. All I decided was never to get shopping for her. I’ll still take her out, but I’m not going shopping and getting her things if all I get is screamed at that she is starving and starved the entire week because she didn’t have croutons in her soup and her soup wasn’t as nice because I didn’t buy her croutons. It isn’t my responsibility.
I’m definitely overreacting. Because it’s her issue. All I hear in her words are you (the collective family, but translates to me) don’t like me. You hate me. I’m going to kill myself. It’s all your fault. That’s not what she is saying now though. It’s what she said when I was 9. I don’t know if she even said now that we hate her. Or if I’m just hearing it.
Went out. Did some diamond painting. Journalled. Did some EFT tapping and cried through that – which is actually more than amazing. I don’t remember when I’ve last cried. And now wrote a letter to the 9 year old E.
And however much I’ve used cocodamol today (more than I feel is safe) I haven’t used more since. I was going to try use less in the afternoon and I’ve kept to it.
To the 9 year old E it’s as though she has already killed herself, and it’s E’s fault for living, for being a horrible person, for not loving her sister enough. She didn’t kill herself. She’s still here. But the 9 year old E knows that whatever she says is true, so she will, and it’s her fault.