I have a special needs sister. Who we were brought up to believe she was normal. Which means I have no clue what is or isn’t normal, what’s manipulative, what is because she is special needs. Not that it makes a difference. So today she was yelling and crying about stuff that isn’t my responsibility. Because I was trying to help her. And told her that I was going to buy something for her and the very worst is that I don’t buy it. Will she die if I don’t buy it? She’ll still be here. She was yelling at me. I left. When I came down I told her I didn’t deserve that. She was crying and yelling some more. Though usually her tears are put on. All I decided was never to get shopping for her. I’ll still take her out, but I’m not going shopping and getting her things if all I get is screamed at that she is starving and starved the entire week because she didn’t have croutons in her soup and her soup wasn’t as nice because I didn’t buy her croutons. It isn’t my responsibility.

I’m definitely overreacting. Because it’s her issue. All I hear in her words are you (the collective family, but translates to me) don’t like me. You hate me. I’m going to kill myself. It’s all your fault. That’s not what she is saying now though. It’s what she said when I was 9. I don’t know if she even said now that we hate her. Or if I’m just hearing it.

Went out. Did some diamond painting. Journalled. Did some EFT tapping and cried through that – which is actually more than amazing. I don’t remember when I’ve last cried. And now wrote a letter to the 9 year old E.

And however much I’ve used cocodamol today (more than I feel is safe) I haven’t used more since. I was going to try use less in the afternoon and I’ve kept to it.

To the 9 year old E it’s as though she has already killed herself, and it’s E’s fault for living, for being a horrible person, for not loving her sister enough. She didn’t kill herself. She’s still here. But the 9 year old E knows that whatever she says is true, so she will, and it’s her fault.


34 thoughts on “Sister 1.

  1. It’s not her fault. It’s not your fault. It’s really not anyone’s fault. It’s life. It happens. the more honesty we have, the easier it is to face the future. Plenty of families do not tell their special needs child that he/she is disabled. Personally, I would have rather known about my autism.

    God bless. Lift your head and journey on.

    Liked by 6 people

  2. Thoughts about how you interact with your sister follow your other post, Eliza, and I won’t belabor the point here.

    As for you, you know, don’t you, it’s a good thing you cried? Not that crying is entirely beneficial in and of itself, though it is cathartic. It shows events do more than just rustle the surface. They affect you so because you’ve let them in.

    Tears of frustration today, perhaps tears of joy tomorrow. After that, what’s next? Laughter? After all, that Eliza keeps us well-supplied with sparkling memes. That’s something that benefits us all.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Definitely good I did. Means I felt the pain. Of a 9 year old whose sister blamed her family for being suicidal. Of the 9 year old who knew it was her fault. Which means can let it go.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. It sounds like you’re trying to create healthy boundaries. It can be hard not to repeat past interactions with family in the present.

    Crying can be cathartic. I hope it was for you.

    I think you should be proud for sticking to your resolution about using less cocodamol in the afternoons.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s definitely tough to keep boundaries and you’re right that it’s good. Crying and tapping helped… as did journaling, diamond painting and going out

      Liked by 2 people

    1. I tend not to talk about her. I’ve often joked to my friends that hell can’t scare me because people have sent me there often enough, actually I forgot that someone else would say that, but also there’s nothing really to say. I’m not sure if I’m crazy how much it affected me. And although I’m writing anything I’m writing on my blog now, because I need the space to – it helps me process it – it’s never been what I want my blog to be about. I want my blog to just spread sunshine and sparkles.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. ah but you need to work thru this too .. it’s not unusual to feel ‘victimised’ when one has a troubled sibling. Much energy is poured into them and the other misses out … take care precious!

        Liked by 2 people

        1. I thought I’d worked through it. In my family I’m the nicest to her. And she’s never gotten the most attention. Other siblings with different issues have. That’s never bothered me. I don’t know if I thought wrong that I’ve processed it. Or if her reaction just took me back to being 9. But doesn’t make a difference which it is, because I know I still need to process it. And really know it’s not my responsibility or issue regardless what others still say today.

          Liked by 2 people

            1. oh my goodness and you are where in that?

              That’s a tribe, my mother was third youngest of ten and I often feel it was her major hurdle.


              1. I view all my siblings as a blessing. I don’t think it’s about how many. What’s made me who I am would still be do. Maybe not to the same extent, but a large part. My siblings are all gorgeous people who I’m getting to know. Who most of us are breaking the chain.

                Liked by 1 person

                1. It’s not really like that because, I’m not sure how to describe it. All my siblings have struggled with feeling, knowing what they feel, boundaries. But, in lotsa ways it was really happy. You have the good and the bad. The healthy and the unhealthy. And you have people who if you can be brave and honest enough to open to (well asides for my sister who is manipulative. My blog is anonymous so that she should never find it). My siblings are a blessing of connection. Even if we’ve never trusted or shared with one another.

                  Liked by 1 person

  4. I think the sibbling part is something I haven’t seen here before. I don’t think it’s her fault, or yours, for that matter. People with special needs sometimes feel – less worthy, let’s say, for the lack of a better word, because their lives tie them to their needs while others aren’t. And if that person wants something that they can’t do on their own, but others put that thing at the bottom of the list, well, it’s a bad feeling. Your priorites differ from other people’s priorities, and that’s a fact. People with special needs should accept that as a part of their living. And I guess I veered off topic.
    I’m glad you’re limiting your use in the afternoons and sticking to it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are right about this. She does. That’s not an issue. The problem is the manipulation and guilt tripping. I don’t think she does it intentionally. But yeah. I’ve decided I’m not doing any messages for her. And yes I feel bad about that, but I can’t even all I get is screamed and yelled at. Which is what happens. I think the point is that she is so scared of not getting her needs met that she magnifies everything and needs and expects everything. She doesn’t appreciate what is gotten because all she can see is what isn’t. I’m glad she will be going shopping for herself from now.

      I’m glad I’m not too. For the amounts are slightly less scary then. Um. Slightly.

      Thanks for passing by…

      I hope you are doing okay…

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Sometimes stepping back doesn’t mean turning your back. Maybe she needs to do her things on her own – or try to – and learn her own limits. She may be surprised. And you do what you can without hurting yourself. If it makes you unhappy, you’re not wrong to retreat.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thanks Jina. She’s just been finding lockdown hard. But yes, if it’s not good for me I have to stop. I took her on s drive yesterday and will try to again tomorrow. Not going to do messages for or with her. She doesn’t see what she is given, only what she isn’t.

          Liked by 1 person

  5. Good for you, E! You go girl! Setting boundaries is healthy, normal and absolutely necessary. You keep your priorities right. That’s how it should be.
    Crying is okay. Call me crazy, but I think crying is good. It’s a release of emotion. And emotions often blinker us. Once we get them under control, we are able to make well thought out decisions.
    Stay strong, E.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sending hugs to you. Sometimes family members, those who we love the most, are the ones who push our buttons the most. You have a lot of people pulling for you here in this space.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. My son yells a lot. He has schizophrenia, and he’s yelling mainly at the voices he hears, but his language is filthy and at times it feels directed towards me. All of that to say, I’m sorry, Eliza. It’s easy to feel the guilt of someone else’s problem, especially when blame is involved. But it’s no one’s fault. Be kind to yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I know it’s not about me. Logically I know. And I’m not going to be doing some of what I did for her so that I’ll get less resentment (because when I do messages she gets upset at what I haven’t done. If I don’t do any she won’t be upset about it. And it’s not my responsibility as her sister – if it were my responsibility I’d do it anyways).

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I come from a family with serious mental illnesses on both sides – psychoses and neuroses. Even though I worked in mental health and can be objective, it still hurts when a relative says something critical or mean. I can only echo Crystal – be kind to yourself. Time and space sometimes helps with perspective. K x

      Liked by 2 people

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