TW. Not for under 18

Reasons to choose death

  • I’m tired of fighting
  • I’m tired of living
  • Every moment is a struggle
  • Life has never been about me, always others.
  • I don’t care for life for myself.
  • I don’t want to live.
  • I’m not part of the world.
  • I don’t want to be a part of the world.
  • Breathing hurts.
  • Living as myself hurts people.
  • Being myself hurts people because I’m not who they want.

Reasons to choose life

  • Give to others.
  • Be there for those I’m the only person there for them – or the only person they trust to call as a friend.

Reasons not to choose death

  • People I’m the only person there for won’t have that support.
  • People will be hurt.
  • People won’t know how to make sense of it.
  • People who shouldn’t feel responsible will feel responsible (and those who I’ve asked for help, numerous people in the past, won’t feel responsible).
  • People who’ll find me dead.
  • People who’ll have to move a dead body.
  • People who’ll care.
  • Basically not to hurt people in one sentence.

Reasons not to choose life

  • I don’t know how to do this thing called life.
  • To be okay with living I’ll have to put in so much work and it’s too much and I don’t know that death won’t still be an option.
  • I’ve never truly been present. And I don’t know if I want to be.
  • I don’t know how to be okay with living.
  • I don’t know how to get to a place of being okay with living. Both within myself and within the world.
  • What I’m doing can be harmful, and if I really choose life I’ll have to stop and it’s protecting me.

Anything else? I can always add to this.

22 thoughts on “Trigger warning.”

  1. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. I do think if you feel you aren’t part of the world and that life has always been for others, not yourself, you can change those things. I think life can be more than just a struggle, although I know it feels like that at the moment.

    Regarding reasons to live, I would say that you are part of our community here on WordPress, that you are liked by other people here and your posts and comments are valued. I think there are people out there (professionals, I mean) who can help you.

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  3. Hi Eliza,
    I am glad that you keep writing and getting the emotions out. I am glad that you keep choosing one more day. I second what others have written here: I appreciate your presence here and your comments on my posts. appreciate your posts, that even though laced with pain, they mean that you are still writing, still choosing to share, still choosing one more day.
    You are loved! Blessings to you! ♥♥

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  4. I honor your presence in the world, my friend. It makes me feel less alone in my struggles and understood. Please know I understand and value your work in the world. You matter. Holding space for you. 💗💗💗

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  5. “I don’t know how to do this thing called life.”

    Not just you, my friend. In fact, none of us do. That’s why we’re fortunate to have each other.

    “(E)ach other” includes you, Eliza. How many bad days (or worse) have you revived with an uplifting story, or an inspiring photo, delivered at just the right moment?

    That’s you, Eliza, an expression of your soul, and I like what I see. Many, many others do too, hence all the friendly, assuring comments your posts encourage.

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  6. For me? Sometimes as simple as “because I like food, and is a thing I haven’t eaten yet.” Or because I don’t know what the actual *choosing not* would feel like, and I’m scared of what it would. Or, worse, scared that I will somehow change my mind right when it’s too late to, or *not* change my mind and not succeed. And, so I ask myself “am I ready to take those risks yet?” And, usually not. Yes, I also have the “I’m responsible for someone else.” Yes, that in the end always would be top of the list? But, I try to find reasons beyond that that are at least for me. And, a lot of the times I’m okay with “but the fear that it won’t be the easier solution exactly when it’s too late to fix that” is enough to get to the point wherein “but I have not yet tried – or some other very tiny little novelty – seems like a more viable reason.

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    1. That’s beautiful. When stuck totally with only death there’s never another pro to life. Other than not hurting people. However I’m not planning right now. So. I’m not sure where this will lead.

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  7. I can envision you breaking out of the constraints of your life, escaping an existence based on the expectations of others. If you can envision life as you wish it were and take small steps toward that life, you may find life more satisfying.

    I am not suggesting that you do anything that you believe to be wrong, for that is counterproductive. Let your conscience be your guide. But find and pursue some dreams of your own. Empower yourself. You can continue a life of kindness and service to others if you are present.

    ❤ ❤ ❤

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