Looking back over 2019. 2020 – well, here we are.

A year ago Simon wrote a letter to himself in a years time, and I copied the idea (where’s this years letter Si?). I just read the letter I wrote to myself to be read in 2020, and my plan for the past year. It makes me both nostalgic, and appreciate what is right now.


A year ago I wrote what I wanted the year to be about.

It’s the start of an entirely new year. A year I get to choose. I have the choices to make. The responsibility is mine. Looking back I see how often I refused to take responsibility. I wouldn’t say refused as much as didn’t. Wasn’t aware that I could. Seeing it gives me the choice. To take responsibility for my life. To own what is mine. The choices that I make. The actions I take. The decisions. That are mine to own. I used to wish some fairy would just come in and wave their magic wand and take over my life for me. I don’t any longer. I’m grateful. Grateful that my life is mine to live. That my mistakes are mine to own.

Reasons to LIve 149

It’s nice to see. To see that I am taking the responsibility I wanted to a year ago. To see the change. To see how my plan for the year – to own my life – materialised. I’ve taken, am taking, responsibility for my life. I can’t say I always take the responsibility I want to. More like, I push off things I want to do, but I am doing this. I’m not doing all I think taking responsibility means. I’m doing a lot more of it (A1, A10 as Em and Skinny Hobbit so kindly pointed out last night).


A year ago I wrote a letter to myself, to be read this year. The shortened version reads

Looking back at the year you’ll probably see lotsa changes, and lotsa things that are still the same. I wonder where you’ll be in a years time…. I wonder if you’ll have studied further. I wonder if you’ll have changed your views on dating. I wonder whether you’ve worked through what you believe. I wonder if you’re teaching….

It’s strange to read this letter. I want you to realise how much is different. You’ve set your plan for the year out. You wrote about it in the post about responsibility and freedom. Eh, looks like it’s titled ‘Taking ownership of my life’. Yup, take ownership of your life. You are doing that. I’m guessing you’ve been doing that a lot more in the past year than you ever have. Remember jokingly asked R’ R if he’d take over, with the grain of truth there? I’m glad you can take control. I’m glad you can take responsibility. I’m glad you want to. I wonder what it’ll be like for you.

As with everything, it’s a new year. A year has gone by. A year of hope. A year of dreams. A year of aspirations. A year of laughter. A year. A year has gone by. A year seems like such a long time. You’ll be 25 when you’re reading this. 25 seems so young. Yet so much older than 24. Age is meaningless. …you’ll be connecting to the you of a year ago who had no clue what to write to herself for a years time.

I love you E. If there’s one thing I hope you’ve learned during this year it’s that you’re not guilty. And you’re deserving. Both. I know that they’re flip sides of the same coin, separate yet so similar. If there’s another thing I hope you’ve learned it’s that whatever happens you really do have your greatest ally – yourself – at your side. Trust your intuition! Don’t feel guilty for it. Just be you. For you’re the most fantastic, amazing person I’ve ever met. Just because you’re you. As you always tell others, you don’t have to do anything to be worthy, you just ARE. Asides that you’re part of the infinite, so you must be infinity itself. Whatever happens E, whatever you’ve done this year, whatever you haven’t done, whatever you’re grateful for, whatever you hate, whatever you love, whatever you want to change, whatever you want to throw away, regardless of anything E, you’re always worth it, and you’ll always have your own best friend – yourself – with you….. I hope that’s another thing that’s different now a year later. I hope that you really do love yourself. Feel safe with yourself. Believe in yourself. I hope that the life you’re living is a life beyond your wildest dreams. Loving life doesn’t mean it’ll be easy. It means it’ll be real, you’ll be present for it, and that you’re loving the ride – the ups, the downs, the plateaus, the cliff jumps, the rocks, the paragliding. You’re awesome E! Am I beginning to repeat myself and get boring already?

pART OF THE LETTER TO MYSELF

It was, is, nice to read it. I appreciate seeing what I wrote. Hearing this again. A lot of what I wrote that I want to be different, it is different. It’s not completely different. It’s partially. I wanted to get to B, instead, I’m on the way there and not where I was. It’s nice to actually see it in written form. I appreciate it especially now when I’m busy messing my life up and it feels a bit like – what was it all worth? For it was worth it. During the last year I’ve taken responsibility. I’ve built relationships. I’m okay with touch.

I wrote that I hope I feel safe with myself, love myself and believe in myself. I don’t. But I feel safer with myself. I love myself more than I did. I believe in myself more than I did. I know, logically, that I’m worth it. I wanted to work through what I believe. A year ago I was hoping to be a lot farther on. To know fully what I believe. I don’t know fully. I know a lot more than I knew a year ago. I’ve separated some of what I hate about the culture I grew up in, from actual Judaism. I know that they’re 2 different things. That the culture and people aren’t what judaism is about, and I shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. I think that’s a saying or something.

I think the first sentence I wrote is the truest. That looking back over the past year I can see a lot of change, and there are a lot of things that are still the same. I see change with boundaries I’m able to keep and respect. I see it the same with boundaries too, how I’ve crossed my own boundaries with someone and thereby crossed theirs, and I’m not sure how to have a relationship with them without wrecking it. I see change in the responsibility I’m taking. I see how it’s the same that I don’t want to take it. I see change in how I don’t feel the guilt for living, existing, and being that I used to. It’s the same in that I don’t really know I’m deserving of it (life). I see a lot of change. And a lot that is still the same. I’m glad to see this. To see that it isn’t all the same.

I like that you’re writing to yourself in a years time for it means that you actually envision yourself to be here in a year. You actually plan on being alive for 2020. 

I didn’t. I didn’t really plan on being alive for 2020. Now, I do. I do plan on being alive for 2020. I want to be here. This isn’t about what I want for 2020. It’s more about seeing what was. What I want? That’s another topic entirely. I’ve not reflected on what I want yet this year, it’s not something I’ve been able to do, and, that’s okay. For the moment it’s about getting through the moment and planning how to move past today’s reality and needs.

I’m grateful. I’m grateful for the past year. I’m grateful I get to see what is different. I’m grateful that where there never used to be choice, there is choice now. I’m grateful that I can see the possibility of another life, a life without messing my life up. I’m grateful for all that was, and that I can see that it isn’t the same.

Thank you to all of you who’ve been here with me this past year – I hope you know how much I appreciate it.

So long as there’s life, there’s hope.

Love, light and glitter