Journaling 103 (10) Trigger Warning

Wrote this for an Instagram story.

It feels like too much. With details why.

Edit. MBSR course going well. Weeks been way too hard (as all those whose posts I always comment on – I tend to comment on every post of my folliqers/following will know I haven’t been reading much). CMHT app in 2.5 weeks. Had my friends sign up for the MBSR course. Work has been okay – I think I made a new friend. Freaking out at the moment. Not because tuning out. Trying to journal and do mindfulness every day. Know for sure talk therapy isn’t for me. ACA meeting was good. It’s, just is. Too much. But just is. Dunno where too much with paracetamol lies for it doesn’t feel anything. Haven’t bought any cocodamol this week (which is why I’ve been taking paracetamol). Update over. Oh, and I’m going down to a family meal with guests now where going to be light and easy and friendly.

Is suicide the solution?

Suicide. It’s a word that scares many and brings hope to others. I started my blog elizareasonstolive (which for now is down) when I wanted to focus on the reasons to live, rather than reasons to die. I would post reasons to live, at the same time as doing things to end my life. I lived on the edge. Which is what I wanted to do. I wanted suicide, and I wanted to believe in hope.

Hope is the little voice you hear whisper maybe when it seems the entire world is shouting no. (Google image)

Slowly, my life changed. I stopped using, stopped self harming, started eating, and started living in the world. (They’re all still things I can struggle with). I learned what it means to be present. I learnt, am learning, boundaries. And I learnt a lot about myself. I always thought it was about the end destination. About getting somewhere. Instead, I learnt that it was about the journey.

The journey is the destination.

I learnt that the journey is the destination. I started my current blog when I wanted a space to ramble and write things that weren’t just reasons to live or that offered hope. Writing gave me a lot. Writing is the best therapy I could ever have given to myself. When I wrote letters to myself I accessed a part of myself that I never knew existed. I never knew I could talk to myself nicely. I never knew that there was any part of me that believed I was worth it.

You are worth it (google image)

Today, today I can’t say my life is perfect, but today I’m happy to embrace the imperfection. There is so much I want from my life. I’d love to know who I am and what I want from my life. I’m looking forward to learning it. Life is a learning game.

More than I’m grateful to be alive I’m grateful that I’m grateful to be alive.

For the most part, I’m grateful that I have this chance. There are times I can get stuck in my head, and the biggest thing I’m focusing on at the moment is to stop overthinking. To live. To be. I’m trying to live in this world and not leave this world to live instead in my head.

Nothing and no one is perfect. No one has it easy. Not everyone feels guilty for living. Not everyone knows that by living they’re hurting others. I’ve learned, am learning, to let go of others. To be myself, for myself. I’m learning who I am. And, life is a learning game.

My blog is a positive space. I want it to stay that way. It’s a space where I share some awesome pictures – I love taking photographs even though I don’t publish most.

It’s a space that I want to use to spread love, light, and glitter. I can’t say I use it well, but really it’s just my space. A space I’m grateful for and where I’ve met some awesome people.

Remember, you are worth it. When you reach rock bottom, there is a way up. Don’t believe anyone who tells you it’s easy. Or that it’s your fault. Or that you’re crazy. There is not always another choice. Someone once told me that self harming was my way of looking after myself. And she was right. I was taking care of myself, coping, the best way I knew how. Also, don’t believe anyone who tells you there’s no hope. For there is always hope. I used to feel I was trapped. That no matter how much I tried I was and would always be stuck. I wasn’t depressed. There just wasn’t a way out. And suicide was the best answer. I’m not actually sure how come what I did to myself never harmed me. But I’m not going to complain. I can’t say I’m grateful that I was born. I can say that once I’m here I’m going to make the most of it and try to use every moment. I know life is just temporary. And that you are worth it and way stronger than you believe.

Love, light, and glitter

Suicideforum.com/community is an awesome peer support that I’m grateful for.

Metanoia – suicide – read this first

A reason

I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself

I wrote this in January 2019


Today’s been, long. A 16 year old here ended her life yesterday. It makes me sad for her. Sad for she had an entire life to live. In some sense jealous that she isn’t here. Guilt for wanting that. Grateful to be here. Sad for her family, for all their unanswered questions. For the world. For a life full of potential that isn’t anymore.

I wrote her a letter. That I wish I could have shared with her, even if she’d end up deciding whatever she’d decide. My friend just told me to reread it. Still, just a mixture. Waiting for tomorrow.


I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself

Dear ____ . Scrap the dear.

Hi.

If you’re reading this I’m guessing you’re suicidal. Have thought, are thinking of, suicide as a viable option. I know that place. Where the only option is to end your life in order to end the pain. It isn’t about ending your life I know. It’s about stopping the world. Getting off from a world you didn’t ask to be part of. Maybe that’s just how I see it. The train moving way too fast on the tracks, the tracks ending at a cliff, the train is going to hurtle down the cliff and you’re going to be shattered to pieces at the bottom. Or you can just get off the train of life.

I don’t even know what to say. For everything is so trite. Everything is so false and meaningless. If there’s one thing I do wish I could do, it would be to come and hold your hand. To stay with you. I’d want you to know that you aren’t alone. That whatever is going on for you, you don’t have to do this alone. There are people out there who care so much about you, yup, even though they don’t know you, have never met you and may never meet you. People who would want to let you into their world. Who’d be happy to let you into their hearts. It’s strange for me to write this for it’s something I need to hear too.

What I wish you could know with all certainty, is that you are worth it. That you are special. That you are beautiful. Just because you are. Just because you exist. You are. Therefore you’re awesome. I know it’s hard to see or believe that at the moment. That it doesn’t make a difference if it’s true or not. Just know that I believe in you. That I trust you. That I know you have way more strength and beauty than you can ever imagine. If you’re able to feel such pain, it says something about you. It tells me just how far your love can go. Just how amazing you are.

I used to quote things all the time. Things like ‘Go as long as you can, then take another step’. Like ‘Faith is taking the first step even if you can’t see the full staircase’. Things like ‘I’ve endured this discomfort before and survived it, and so I can survive it today.
I’ve felt these feelings before and sat with them, and so I can sit with them today.
I’ve felt like giving in before and held onto hope, and so I can continue to hold on today.
I made it through yesterday, and so, I can also make it through today.
I can do it. I will do it. I am doing it. I am strong and I am capable. I will not give up.’

Go as long as you can, and then take another step
Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the full staircase.
I’ve endured this discomfort before and survived it, and so I can survive it today.
I’ve felt these feelings before and sat with them, and so I can sit with them today.
I’ve felt like giving in before and held onto hope, and so I can continue to hold on today.
I made it through yesterday, and so, I can also make it through today.
I can do it. I will do it. I am doing it. I am strong and I am capable. I will not give up.

One of the main reasons I held on was because I knew that I didn’t know what could be. Because if I’d end it, that’s the only option – ending it. Whereas if I’d hold onto life, I would always still have the option of ending it. By continuing to live, I can still always choose to die. Whereas once I’ve ended it, I’ve taken all choice away. Another big factor for me was the saying that goes along the lines of hold on because you never know who may one day say because of you, I held on. Although life wasn’t worth it for my own sake, for others, it is. Because even when I can’t see the beauty in my own world, in myself, I know that others are beautiful. Do you know that others are worth it? Is it worth giving life a chance for another day so that someone else will live?

As I said, I don’t know what to say. I don’t have any words. All I see is the pain. I wish I could come and sit with you. Be with you. Just know that, I’m thinking of you. I care. Even if that makes absolutely no sense at all. For I don’t know you and never will know you unless you say hello to me. Yet I care. I believe in you. I believe in the beauty of your world. I believe that when all the pieces are shattered, you get to choose your own life, you get to choose how to rebuild. I believe in your reasons. In your reasons to end it. In your reasons to live. I know that you’re worth it. I know that no matter what your internal or external world looks like you are someone so special and worth it to know.

I’m sad. I’m sad that you’re sad. I’m sad that the world is sad. I’m sad that I can’t actually come and sit with you right now. I’m sad.

E


I’d love to share your letters…

How do you identify yourself?

Just a thought. Trying to clarify this in my mind.

There’s a lot of darkness. There’s a lot of negativity. Some of the choices I’m making really are not the best. However, and this is a big point, I get to choose what I identify with. How I identify myself. What choices define me and what don’t.

A few years ago R’ R said to me along the lines of that it’s up to me to choose which part I identified with. It was re religion but the point is the same. I’ve always remembered it and it’s made a big difference to my life.

What do I choose to identify with?

So, I’m not eating enough at all. It’s a big part of my life today. Just a fact. True. In a big sense it’s an act of self care. There’s self sabotage involved too, but, primarily, I’m looking after myself in the best way I can. Since I cut down a couple weeks ago my mind is much quieter. Until then I’d been thinking a lot about various things I had to emotionally let go off. Re Judaism and the past. Let go so that I can choose what I want my life to be. I still have to let go, but it’s not on my mind. My friends are all really struggling with different things. It’s not so hard for me to handle.

So I’m not eating enough. The only scary part is how it makes self harm (which would automatically mean taking cocodamol) much more of an option.

On the other hand is the rest of my life.

I’ve started running and I’ve kept up with it. Much to my surprise. I think a lot about the idea of motivation. That motivation isn’t the feeling, but actually doing. Motivation is the actions and the feelings come along. I’m not motivated in some sense but I’ve kept at it and I’m so proud of myself for how far I’ve gotten, and mainly for keeping at it even when I feel like I’m literally dragging myself out.

I’ve been making my bed each morning. It might be considered minor to some people but to me it’s really major.

I’ve been aiming to write gratitudes every day. So it’s not every day. And it’s not the 50 new ones a day R and I originally set out to do. I’m still passed 900!!!

I’ve been spending time with my family and loving spending time with them. I’ve gotten to spend time with some truly special people who may be leaving soon and I’ll miss them so much.

I’ve finally realised how much I love taking pictures. I love photography. Specifically nature photography. I don’t think I care so much for pictures per se. I’ve hundreds of photos of leaves, grass, trees, sky, colours, water, birds etc. on my phone. I think I like taking pictures of birds and ducks and some animals.

I’ve been colouring and listening to Louise Hay a lot. I like her thoughts. That our thoughts define us. One thing I noticed myself doing a while ago and I’m trying to keep with it is not to say I hate myself or the like. Rather to name what bothers me and change it from defining me. It doesn’t define me. Nothing I think or do has to define me. I define myself.

I’ve been speaking to a family member who is manipulative, especially with me, a few times. It wasn’t all okay. It was better than it has been. I kept my boundaries more.

I’ve kept my boundaries with someone in my life who is struggling a lot. I didn’t take on responsibility that isn’t mine. I didn’t help, which is one of the hardest and most guilt inducing things I’ve ever done. I’ve been there for her. I’ve gone out with her. I’ve helped her in other ways. But never in a way I was worried about. Never in a way that could possibly be taking on responsibility that isn’t mine. It’s been tough. It’s been really hard to hold her pain, be there for her, care, and not let it impact me. It definitely has impacted me. But for the most part I’ve been okay with it. For the most part when I think I’m guilty for what I haven’t and am not doing (No advice. Ever.) I correct myself. It’s hard to believe I come first. I don’t believe it. I know I don’t come first. Yet I’m putting myself first.

My friends are all struggling with different things. I’ve been there and stepped back. I’ve engaged and disengaged.

I’ve written letters to friends and people so they should know that they are thought of.

What do I identify with???

I get to choose.

Until I wrote this I didn’t realise just how much is so amazing. I’ve also refused to pass opinions with some unhealthy family relationship dynamics. I used to try and speak to the people involved. Help them see what they can do differently. Used to sounds like the past. I mean just a month or two ago. But for the most part I’ve stopped. I’m trying really hard not to suggest anything. Anything at all. Yes, my advice has helped them. But it’s not my place nor my responsibility. And when any of the people speak to me – which for some is, now that I’m thinking about it, completely inappropriate (they should never ask my advice for some of these situations, asking me is crossing boundaries and inappropriate) I try to just listen. Even when they ask for my thoughts and advice. Just to not pass any. It’s not my place and the dynamics are unhealthy enough. I can’t change them. My advice wouldn’t change the dynamics. What I’ve learned most from this during the past few months of extended family time is that everyone is right. And there are shades of grey. I used to think there was a good person and a bad person. I’m seeing it’s a dance of good behaviours and bad behaviours. And they are all a mixture of healthy and unhealthy. The people I thought unhealthy are surprisingly healthy, just dealing with their pain in the best way they can. The one I thought healthiest is actually not. Hurts to see that about someone I idealise.

So there’s all the good going on. Way more than I realise or give myself credit for. Yes there’s the negative too. I’m not taking care of myself in some ways that I’m way too embarrassed to even write down. I’m not eating enough (which is an act of self care too). I’ve thought way too much about burning myself.

Life is always a mixture.

Last week I was wondering whether I wanted therapy. Because I was offered it. I know now that I don’t. Therapy, at least in the typical way, will make my life worse. A large part of why I’ve been thinking about burning was speaking to this woman. There’s something I really believe in. Embracing what the universe sends to me. The universe sent me an assessment (still continuing) to a referral I requested 1.5 years ago. This woman seems to think I should go for what I asked. Which will probably be a years wait. If she requests it, she does. She’ll probably decide next week. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t. Will I want it? I don’t know. That is something I can see and decide then.

There really and truly is so much good in my world.

What am I choosing to identify with?

I can identify with the freaking out. Or with the 1.5 hour drive that I discovered some cool roads on that I drove until I was okay. I can identify with the thoughts of ‘I may as well just burn coz it’s so easy and I want to.’ I can identify with the choice not to. I can identify with purging and not eating. Or I can identify with choosing to try eat enough not to get dizzy.

I can identify with the boundaries I don’t keep and the guilt I feel whenever I keep a boundary. Or I can identify with the knowledge and ability to keep boundaries. With the awareness I’m allowed to. With the knowledge that people who guilt trip me are wrong, and the pride and the achievement of keeping and doing what is best for me no matter how hard it is for me.

I can identify with all I don’t know. I don’t know what I want for my life or how to get there. I don’t understand or recognise feelings or emotions with myself. I can identify with what I do know. I know my field of interest. I recognise some body sensations. I can identify with how often I disconnect from myself. Constantly :). I can identify with being present in a world, something I’m always grateful for because I love it.

I can identify with what I don’t know what I think or want regard

I can identify with how hard it is to do things I care about and want to do but just don’t do them because I don’t know why but it just doesn’t happen and I really wish it would (see, no I hate that I’m not. No I’m guilty. No I’m stupid or bad. Just, I really wish I’d be doing what means a lot to me). Or I can identify with what I AM keeping to. What I AM doing and succeeding in doing.

I can identify with the good or the bad. With the present or the lack. With the positive choices or the negative. With the pride or the guilt.

What do I identify myself with?

I get to choose. I choose the good things.

What do you identify with?

This was not what I expected. I didn’t expect to ramble so much. If you read through this all, thank you…

Love, light, and glitter

I’m grateful to R’ R for the comment he said at least 5 years ago which I’m site he doesn’t recall, which has really impacted my life (effect vs affect = impact).

Photos of the day – the kitten

I’m posting this for you Kate and Linda – thanks for your encouragement to post my pictures. I took these the other day and felt awed that I was able to get close enough to capture this kitten. I dislike zoomed photographs and the kitten let me come near.

A brown kitten meowing next to a pole on cobblestones.
Kitten crying
A brown kitten alert and ready
Kitten wary, deciding
A brown kitten leaving the scene.
Kitten leaving

Love, light and glitter

TW: Thinking about the thoughts of using.

Trigger warning. Please do not read this if it could trigger or disrupt you in any way.

I was thinking. About how much I think about using cocodamol. Just a few. Just to see if it helps. I liked bgddyjim’s post. It got me thinking. How using, which I think of so often, even just to see, will ultimately end in suicide. Well, I’ve always known that.

I realised that thinking of using is an instinctive thought. And it makes sense it is so instinctive because it is something that has helped me in the past and would help me in the present. I know if I start it’ll end up with suicide because eventually I’ll go back to the plan I had (which involved using), which however much is/was designed to fail, it was designed with different things in mind and I don’t see why it wouldn’t work. The thoughts of self harming (which are pretty much as constant as using – it goes, I wonder what would happen if I use or self harm) are more real, especially because, well, no because. It’s just that I do more. I’ve not done anything that would scar and I hope I don’t – I really don’t want more scars. I guess self harming doesn’t take me down the same tracks (to suicide) as using does. And I don’t count anything I do to myself as anything related to self harm. (I guess yay me for finally acknowledging that what I do probably comes under the category of self harm – even if and though I dont think that’s really why I’m doing it.) I guess it’s a bit like my issues with food. It’s not okay and will have to change one day but I’m leaving it on the backburner and not making it into a bigger deal than it is, and when I can deal with it I will.

My goal for the new year is to by the end of the next year have thrown away all that I have collected. Thinking about it, I haven’t bought any more in a long while. Thinking of using can be really real. I can and do visualise myself taking some. Opening a box and taking a few. I can feel, smell and sorta taste it. More often than I’d like. But in reality it isn’t what I want.

More than I want to use, I want to be okay.  More than I want to cut off from it – my world, life, everything – I want to be present and learn to live with all that I don’t know. So, it’s the realisation. That I’ve been thinking of using lots, and it’s quote on quote normal. It makes sense that I’ll think of doing something that helped me in the past and would help me. It doesn’t mean I’ll act on it. It doesn’t mean I have to act on it. It doesn’t have to define me.

And I get to choose. I have a choice. I choose, for this moment in time, I choose life. I choose, for this moment in time, to see all the possibilities, all that could be. I choose, for this moment in time, to believe in hope, in change, in growth, in a future. I choose, for this moment in time, to believe that I’m worthy of that future and that even if I don’t deserve it, I can get to live with it anyways. I choose life. For this moment I choose life.

Bridges we build

Bridges.

Bridges. Bridges. Bridges

The first bridge that comes to mind is the golden gate bridge in San Francisco

Image of the golden gate bridge

I was planning on writing a bridges post in response to Kate’s Friday Fun Challenge. I was specifically thinking about the bridges we build in relationships, how we mend them and repair them. How the bridges make the relationship that bit stronger.

Bridges take us from one place to another. From one world to another. They help us enter arenas we never dreamed possible.

Then I remembered this Ted talk that I once listened to and found inspiring, by Kevin Briggs. He worked by the Golden Gate bridge and was often there to give someone a reason not to jump. The bridge between suicide and life. It feels like the perfect thing to share.

Bridges. So long as we can build bridges, anything is possible.

Love, light and glitter

Eliza

I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself – RTL

I’m sad. Well, I don’t feel anything at all at the moment. I’m reblogging part of the letter I wrote a few months back – what I wish I could have said before she/he succeeded. What I wish I could write to every single person who faces the question, should they hang on for another day of life or end it now. Is there a purpose? There is no purpose? What for? Why live? I wish I could come and sit with every person feeling that way. Either way, I wrote this to someone (who had succeeded) back in January. The full letter is here. I was going to include more in this post but I’ve decided not to.

If you’re reading this I’m guessing you’re suicidal. Have thought, are thinking of, suicide as a viable option. I know that place. Where the only option is to end your life in order to end the pain. It isn’t about ending your life I know. It’s about stopping the world. Getting off from a world you didn’t ask to be part of. Maybe that’s just how I see it. The train moving way too fast on the tracks, the tracks ending at a cliff, the train is going to hurtle down the cliff and you’re going to be shattered to pieces at the bottom. Or you can just get off the train of life.

….

What I wish you could know with all certainty, is that you are worth it. That you are special. That you are beautiful. Just because you are. Just because you exist. You are. Therefore you’re awesome. I know it’s hard to see or believe that at the moment. That it doesn’t make a difference if it’s true or not. Just know that I believe in you. That I trust you. That I know you have way more strength and beauty than you can ever imagine. If you’re able to feel such pain, it says something about you. It tells me just how far your love can go. Just how amazing you are.

I’m sad. I’m sad that you’re sad. I’m sad that the world is sad. I’m sad that I can’t actually come and sit with you right now. I’m sad.

The full letter can be read here. I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself — Reasons to live