I’ve written about this before, I think.
A friend who is struggling wants a lift today. It would take 2 – 3 hours of my time. I have the time. This morning was tough and I didn’t have the headspace. I knew I didn’t have the headspace. As a side note I just curled up in bed, and was wondering the line between letting yourself be and wallowing. I’d freaked out on the phone, and wanted to just stay in bed. I knew I could get up if I wanted and do stuff but chose to stay in bed.
I didn’t have the headspace for her when I was in that headspace myself. I know I don’t really have the headspace just now either. Last night when I was with her it was okay, I was just completely drained. I told her that I don’t have the headspace. If I can later I will. I didn’t have the headspace so I said no.
I guess anyone who has followed this blog will know just how major it is for me to put myself first. To say no. Although I’m questioning if I’m really right to put myself first, I’ve put myself first and don’t feel guilty for it. I don’t feel responsible to help her do what she needs to. If I can, I can, if I can’t, I can’t. It’s not that I can’t, for in reality I can, but I’ve put myself first. And it’s not someone for whom I have to out myself second for.
I forgot I was writing this. But I think I put it down as it is. I don’t know if I’ll take her today. I doubt it. And however much I doubt myself for choosing not to, I know I can put myself first. I know I’m allowed to, and am doing so.
Love, light, and glitter
I’m on my phone so this will be short.
A few years back, I was telling someone how much I hated what I did, that why bother doing xyz if I anyways wasn’t doing ABC. He replied with the following a few times (whenever it came up). Identify with whatever you wish. You get to choose.
How do you want to think of or identify yourself?
One of the things I want to identify as is as a person who lets the light in. I can either focus on the times I’m freaking out, can’t breathe or want to destroy myself. Which happens. Or the times I write lists of what I’m grateful for. The moments I lie on my bed reading with the breeze caressing me listening to the wind, birds, rain or music and thinking how blissful it is and how lucky I am.
Nothing is ever perfect. There is no such thing as perfection. I get to choose who I want to be and how I identify myself. Do I identify with what I don’t want to be? Do I identify with what I do want to be? Do I identify myself with others thoughts of me or my own? It’s completely my choice and my choice only. It’s not always an easy choice. It’s way more natural for me to hate myself for doing or not doing something and staying with that. It’s way easier to let darkness rule rather than creating the light. I get to choose. Every single moment. Every moment is a new choice. A time I can choose something different. I don’t have to choose something again just because I chose something once. I get to choose. Again. And again. I get to identify myself. Create myself. Build. Whatever I want the edifice to be. I don’t need to know what it will be, how it will end up looking. I don’t need to know now who I’m going to end up becoming. Just the choices in the moment.
How do I identify myself? How do you identify yourself? What will you choose to focus on, and own, for just this moment in time?
Love, light and glitter