I’m feeling strange. I’m tired of the distance. The distance I’m creating too. I feel distant, so I’m staying distant. I haven’t been on wordpress in ages. Some of that is for good reasons – it’s been pesach – passover – here, and busy. It’s good that I’m not online much. Some of it is that I feel so distant. I’m finding it so hard to connect. I don’t know how to tune in.
It feels like a negative thing – that I can’t tune in – yet it’s also a positive thing. The distance is something I used to occasionally notice but was never really aware of. I’m aware of the distance now. I hate it. I hate the nothingness when I try connect to myself. I hate the nothingness that is always there. When I dialogue journal I’m unable to connect, and I wish I could. I can’t tune into what I feel ever. When I did a mindfulness course, I thought that by being present, by being in the moment, I’d learn what is going on for myself. No such luck. I learned to be present. One of the biggest things I gained from the MBSR course is breathing to ground myself. I actually use it quite a bit. I often tune into myself and count breathing for a couple of minutes when I’m surrounded by people and overwhelmed. It means I leave my family less often.
I’ve been isolating myself. I’ve been present with my family more often, and I’ve been isolating myself more. It’s strange in a way how I’ve been doing both. I’m so very tired. My head’s hurting. And it’s safer to isolate myself because then I can’t be hurt. I can’t be left. I can’t be rejected.
Now that pesach is over I have to message RR and ask him when would be a good time to speak. I need to know what happened, whether he told someone private information, whether he lied to me about something he was doing. What exactly happened a couple of years ago. I felt that I could do it now as he anyways was no longer a part of my life, and he wasn’t here. I wrote more about it here. Now I’m confuzzled. For today I posted a status on whatsapp and he replied to my status asking how pesach was and sending regards from wherever he is at the moment. I know he’s not here. He’s shown me he’s not. What’s he doing reaching out now??? I haven’t replied to him – yet – for I don’t know what to respond. I need to actually speak to him and not message him so I need to either ask if we can arrange a time to speak or if he can call me when he has a chance to speak. I’ll go with the first because asking him to call when he has a chance makes it seem more urgent/important which, it isn’t. It’s important but he doesn’t have to call me when he’s away, but when he actually has time to speak. So when I can actually think what to reply, what to ask, I will do. I hate trying to compose messages. Strangely enough, coincidentally? I was rewriting a letter I wrote to myself out. In this letter I had written to myself what I should do. One of the things I wrote was, keep in contact with RR. So, that’s what I’m going to try to do. I’m going to ask him to explain what he did and why. I don’t know if I’ve a way to ever accept what he did, but I do know that keeping a relationship with him is important to me. Whatever he did or didn’t do in that instance, however major it is, he’s given me a lot. He definitely either lied or gave over confidential information. Depends on what happened how understandable it is. There is one scenario that could have played out that he could have thought he didn’t have another option. He’d have still lied to me. And I need him to tell me in his words why he did so. But I really hope there’s a way to go passed it. This too is strange, how I actually want to be able to keep a relationship with him even knowing he did something wrong. I hope to discuss it with him. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. Been able to see that someone did something wrong to/with me and still want to connect to them.
This has landed up being an update on RR which isn’t what I had planned. There are 2 current goals I’ve added into my life. That I want to do mindful breathing for 30 seconds every day, and journal for 2 minutes every day. One of the most crucial things about it is that I’m viewing it as something I’d really like to do and something I’m trying to do every day. If I don’t I’m trying to let it be and not drive myself crazy with guilt or hatred. Accept it. And know that the next day is another day and I can do it the next day.
Something I realised even more recently is how much I constantly want to use. I’ve never stopped wanting to use and I’ve no guarantee that I’ll ever stop. I bought more (cocodamol) today, and (I bought a box of cocodamol) yesterday, and, it’s okay. I’m trying to let my reality be. I’m trying to help myself. I’m trying to look forward instead of back. I’m trying to accept what I want and know that I don’t always have to act on it. Something I’m able not to act on it, sometimes I’m less able – like today I ended up purging. And then hours later eating loads. I’m not driving myself crazy over it all. I’m trying to let it be rather than enter a cycle of guilt, hatred, despair and make it worse than it is. For, it just is. I’ve finally seen that food is always an issue. I thought it just was sometimes as issue, but looking back I see how I’ve constantly cycled through different stages (eating too much/not enough/doing something about it/healthy eating/only some foods et al) and, it’s just what it is. Food is the least of my issues at the moment.
I’ve actually been implementing boundaries with people recently. Yay me! I told my mother politely the other day to please not open things on my desk without asking me. I was able to get her to tell me that she thought what she did – another day – was crossing boundaries. I still am crossing my own boundaries often enough, or feeling like I’m crossing others or reacting to others crossing mine. Yet, I’m learning. I’m sometimes seeing how it’s not exactly the same. And I’m rambling way too much and feel guilty for it.
Love, light and glitter