Disconnect, RR, acceptance

I’m feeling strange. I’m tired of the distance. The distance I’m creating too. I feel distant, so I’m staying distant. I haven’t been on wordpress in ages. Some of that is for good reasons – it’s been pesach – passover – here, and busy. It’s good that I’m not online much. Some of it is that I feel so distant. I’m finding it so hard to connect. I don’t know how to tune in.

It feels like a negative thing – that I can’t tune in – yet it’s also a positive thing. The distance is something I used to occasionally notice but was never really aware of. I’m aware of the distance now. I hate it. I hate the nothingness when I try connect to myself. I hate the nothingness that is always there. When I dialogue journal I’m unable to connect, and I wish I could. I can’t tune into what I feel ever. When I did a mindfulness course, I thought that by being present, by being in the moment, I’d learn what is going on for myself. No such luck. I learned to be present. One of the biggest things I gained from the MBSR course is breathing to ground myself. I actually use it quite a bit. I often tune into myself and count breathing for a couple of minutes when I’m surrounded by people and overwhelmed. It means I leave my family less often.

I’ve been isolating myself. I’ve been present with my family more often, and I’ve been isolating myself more. It’s strange in a way how I’ve been doing both. I’m so very tired. My head’s hurting. And it’s safer to isolate myself because then I can’t be hurt. I can’t be left. I can’t be rejected.

Now that pesach is over I have to message RR and ask him when would be a good time to speak. I need to know what happened, whether he told someone private information, whether he lied to me about something he was doing. What exactly happened a couple of years ago. I felt that I could do it now as he anyways was no longer a part of my life, and he wasn’t here. I wrote more about it here. Now I’m confuzzled. For today I posted a status on whatsapp and he replied to my status asking how pesach was and sending regards from wherever he is at the moment. I know he’s not here. He’s shown me he’s not. What’s he doing reaching out now??? I haven’t replied to him – yet – for I don’t know what to respond. I need to actually speak to him and not message him so I need to either ask if we can arrange a time to speak or if he can call me when he has a chance to speak. I’ll go with the first because asking him to call when he has a chance makes it seem more urgent/important which, it isn’t. It’s important but he doesn’t have to call me when he’s away, but when he actually has time to speak. So when I can actually think what to reply, what to ask, I will do. I hate trying to compose messages. Strangely enough, coincidentally? I was rewriting a letter I wrote to myself out. In this letter I had written to myself what I should do. One of the things I wrote was, keep in contact with RR. So, that’s what I’m going to try to do. I’m going to ask him to explain what he did and why. I don’t know if I’ve a way to ever accept what he did, but I do know that keeping a relationship with him is important to me. Whatever he did or didn’t do in that instance, however major it is, he’s given me a lot. He definitely either lied or gave over confidential information. Depends on what happened how understandable it is. There is one scenario that could have played out that he could have thought he didn’t have another option. He’d have still lied to me. And I need him to tell me in his words why he did so. But I really hope there’s a way to go passed it. This too is strange, how I actually want to be able to keep a relationship with him even knowing he did something wrong. I hope to discuss it with him. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. Been able to see that someone did something wrong to/with me and still want to connect to them.

This has landed up being an update on RR which isn’t what I had planned. There are 2 current goals I’ve added into my life. That I want to do mindful breathing for 30 seconds every day, and journal for 2 minutes every day. One of the most crucial things about it is that I’m viewing it as something I’d really like to do and something I’m trying to do every day. If I don’t I’m trying to let it be and not drive myself crazy with guilt or hatred. Accept it. And know that the next day is another day and I can do it the next day.

Something I realised even more recently is how much I constantly want to use. I’ve never stopped wanting to use and I’ve no guarantee that I’ll ever stop. I bought more (cocodamol) today, and (I bought a box of cocodamol) yesterday, and, it’s okay. I’m trying to let my reality be. I’m trying to help myself. I’m trying to look forward instead of back. I’m trying to accept what I want and know that I don’t always have to act on it. Something I’m able not to act on it, sometimes I’m less able – like today I ended up purging. And then hours later eating loads. I’m not driving myself crazy over it all. I’m trying to let it be rather than enter a cycle of guilt, hatred, despair and make it worse than it is. For, it just is. I’ve finally seen that food is always an issue. I thought it just was sometimes as issue, but looking back I see how I’ve constantly cycled through different stages (eating too much/not enough/doing something about it/healthy eating/only some foods et al) and, it’s just what it is. Food is the least of my issues at the moment.

I’ve actually been implementing boundaries with people recently. Yay me! I told my mother politely the other day to please not open things on my desk without asking me. I was able to get her to tell me that she thought what she did – another day – was crossing boundaries. I still am crossing my own boundaries often enough, or feeling like I’m crossing others or reacting to others crossing mine. Yet, I’m learning. I’m sometimes seeing how it’s not exactly the same. And I’m rambling way too much and feel guilty for it.

Love, light and glitter

Rambling update – he betrayed me and therapy

I’ve been feeling way too self conscious to post. Also feel as though I’ve nothing to say, so why’m I bothering?

I’m sad. Today I realised that RR either broke my trust or lied to me. I always knew it but I never allowed myself to think about it for he gave me so much, he meant a lot to me, and I always knew I could rely on him. I always knew I could rely on him to be there, until I couldn’t. Until, instead of apologising for getting back to me only 2 days later, he would respond a week later. Until I asked him to record a message I needed to hear, he told me he would, and he never did. A month later I sent him a link to something I wrote, he emailed back a week later and said he knew he hadn’t responded. A few weeks later I asked him for advice about the therapist I met a few times who offered touch, and I wanted to know if it was okay or not. He got back to me 2 weeks later to tell me it was okay. I trust him on that. He asked how I was and I told him I wasn’t answering. He never sent me the recording he said he’d do…. A week ago I had a question for him so whatsapped. He never responded. He has no obligation to be there for me. He has no obligation to be here. He just always was. And somehow he’s the same as everyone else always has been. There for me and then just disappears. Just stops being there.

Now that he’s not here, it’s easier for me to see what he must’ve done. I never thought about it because I needed to trust him. I needed to rely on him. I don’t know how to do this without being specific, so not sure if it’s going to make sense. Someone in my life did something behind my back a couple of years ago. Change that. RR arranged for me to be in touch with A. He was the contact person between us. He saw to it. He checked in with me every so often about it. Whenever I wasn’t in touch with A for a while he’d be in touch with me to find out if it/I was okay. He spoke to A a few times for me. (In case anyone’s wondering why I trusted RR so much. He really did a lot for me). A told me at one point that D had been in touch (and that A didn’t communicate with D at all. A wanted to let me know so that A wouldn’t be keeping something from me). The only way for D to have known about A was through RR. RR arranged it and was the go between if I needed. D shouldn’t have known anything at all. I knew D did and I knew D must have spoken to RR and I asked RR if D had. I blamed D for crossing boundaries though (it was crossing boundaries for D to call A). There are 2 options. Either RR arranged it and told D about it – there’s absolutely no way that could be an okay thing for him to have done. Or, the better option, is that D arranged it, and didn’t want me to know. D speaking to A then, would be a breach of boundaries, but would come in a little more. If D arranged it then both D and RR lied to me. D is actually understandable. The boundaries, the other stuff, due to the situation, it’d make sense, inexcusable, but understandable. RR however, he lied. He told me he saw to it. So either he did and told D, or D saw to it and RR pretended to do so. I don’t really feel anything about it at all. I don’t know what to feel. It’s not like I haven’t really known this for the last year and a half, I have known it, I just ignored the reality. I needed RR. Or I thought I needed him.

I need people. Or, I thought I need them. Everyone always ends up leaving. I don’t understand why.

I’m surprised at the people who were here for me in the past week. M came over and talked me down. I never thought M would ever be here for me. S who I always knew would be here if I needed her, just wasn’t. I thought she would be.

I’ve been eating too much and been constantly wanting to purge. Well, I often actually do. At the moment I’m trying not to. I don’t know why I’m fighting it. I go round and round. If I eat too much, it bothers me. I don’t know what ‘too much’ is either. And if I act on it I feel guilty for wasting the food and want to eat less. That’s why I’m trying not to get too stuck in it. Though to be honest food cycling is not something that has ever stopped. I constantly cycle between eating too much. Purging because of it. Restricting. Balancing. Or it’s not a direct cycle but I go back and forth between them all often enough that it should be dizzying to think about.

My thoughts are completely disjointed at the moment.

I dialogued (journaled through dialogue) earlier. I thought I’d write it out. I was actually impressed with myself. For when I didn’t want to face something, instead of forcing it, I queried why I didn’t and journaled that through instead. I finished my ‘I can’t adult today’ journal today and started another one.

I looked at some profiles of therapists online. Most of them all replied to me that they can’t do it. One person arranged to call, and just didn’t. Another person I arranged a free consultation with for Monday. I already know now it’ll be a waste of time – because I read through her attachments to the email and I was really unimpressed. With the way it was all about money. She was describing therapy as though it’s a business transaction, which, although true to an extent, is also untrue. Plus she had on there not to contact your therapist if in crisis but your GP or the A&E. And however much that is true, I’d think a therapist is there to help you so you don’t need to do that. Being that I messed her around already, and told her I’m most likely not interested, I’m going on the 1%, make it 0.01% chance, that she’s any good. Another women also got back to me, but she is only offering online therapy at the moment. If I know it’ll be only temporary it’d be relevant. She gave me the link to a guy. Who is actually really professional and I was really impressed with the conversation we had. It doesn’t mean anything if I’m impressed, for I thought LN was a great therapist, and then she ended it when I got back to her (she’d offered touch and I waited until I found out it was okay), without asking me what I wanted. This guy told me he wouldn’t work with me if I was going through the NHS too. I have to speak to my GP and see what he thinks. His only available slot is during my work. Which would mean that if I were to see him, I’d be missing work, and I’m not sure that work would do that. I actually looked up the legislations, and although there’s the discriminatory and equality acts, work wouldn’t have to give me off, because I don’t actually think it’d be good for the students. I’ll have to speak to my GP and see. I’m also thinking that maybe we should meet the first 2 times and see if we even think we can work with each other, for if we can’t, it’s not relevant. I hope I get to speak to my GP on Tuesday and that he is actually able to advise me on what to do. It really depends a lot on the NHS. My GP put in a request for a primary care therapist to be able to do DBT with me. If that goes through then I won’t bother with anything. If it’s going to take a couple of months but will end up going through then I’d want to find some support until then. If they say no then this guy I spoke to seemed like he may be a really good option – if I can even get it okay with work. Oh, another women (therapist) had gotten back to me and said we could meet for an initial consultation, except that she didn’t respond to my reply. So there’s that.

I feel like I’ve been rambling for way too long and it feels super boring to me.

Love, light and glitter

The climb

The graph. I asked someone if she’d tell me how she did it. She replied that it’s not as though she took steps, one step leading to the next. She didn’t climb up the stairs one at a time. It was more like up, down, all the way up, and all the way down. I’ve been thinking about that for the last few minutes. Like, why? Part of what is bothering me so much is that I can’t see any change. It’s so damn hard, and why? I haven’t actually messed with self harm the way I have for a year and a half. I haven’t been this close to using cocodamol for a year. It makes me feel as though it’s all a waste. I’ve been trying so hard, and, what’s it all for if I’m back here again?

Up, down, up, down. It’s confusing to me. Why would someone keep trying if it’s just going to go down again? Why’s it worth it if it’s staying the same?

I used to use an analogy for this point. I’m going to write it out and see where it takes me. Someone wants to climb a mountain. They start climbing. They fall down and scrape their feet. They’re at the bottom of the mountain. They brush themselves off and get back up. This time they get along another 2 steps before falling down. Oh gosh, why on earth are they climbing it? But then they remember, they’re climbing it coz’ they want to see the sunrise at the top. So they take a deep breath and get back up. Somehow they climb up 10 metres before stumbling over a tree trunk. Luckily they stay their fall with another tree trunk 5 metres down, and they sit down cut and bruised before getting up and continuing on. This happens over and over. They trip, they fall, they stumble over holes in the ground, dips, loose rocks and even their own feet. Sometimes they stop to rest. Sometimes they lie down and bask in the sun. Part of the time it rains. When it rains they get soaked through yet they dance in the rain. Then it storms. Thunder growling, lighting flashing, leaving them terrified. They huddle under a rock and wonder if they should just stay there. At one point they realise that they’re learning. They’re learning to climb. They’re building muscles. They’re tripping over tree trunks less often. They’re still tripping. At times they roll down the mountain all the way to the bottom, where the lie in a heap wondering whether they should bother getting up at all. After all if they stay on the ground, they know the ground, they know what it’s like to curl up at the foot of the mountain, they know how much struggle climbing is, maybe they should just stay there forever? At times they grab hold of roots and stop falling. At times they love the journey, dancing, laughing, smiling at the grass growing, and the plants they’ve never seen. Sometimes they even love the dark nights, the peace and security and the nightbirds. They learn how to live out in the open, in the rough, on the mountain. They fall down. They get back up. They scramble. They climb. It’s a journey. Some of the time they want to continue climbing, they want to build their muscles. Some of the time they want to lick their wounds. They want to sit back and rest. They’ve changed the reasons to climb imperceptibly along the way. At first it was just about reaching the top. Then, when they got to a peak, they saw that beyond it there lay way more ground to cover, hidden by the previous peak. It was okay though, because they finally learned that it wasn’t about the top, it was about the climb. The beauty there was in the climb. In the rain. The snow. In the crags. In the pit holes. In learning how to survive. How to get back up. How to keep on going. How to trust themselves. How to keep finding the way.

The mountain. It isn’t actually the analogy I used to use but it’s more fitting this time. I feel like I’m back where I was. The guilt I feel at living. I’ve always felt guilty, but, it wasn’t an intense, as all encompassing. The nothingness. I’ve always said I want to learn what’s going on for me. I never realised how much I was aware of, until now I’m not. I never realised that I’d actually been tuning in, until now I’m not. I never realised that there was less distance, until now the distance is there. I feel like it’s all the same. Which makes me wonder why on earth I’m trying. When it’s so hard. I want to just curl up at the foot of the mountain and stay there. And you know, it’s okay. It’s hard for me to see it’s worth it, but, maybe it is. Maybe this too is part of the journey.

There’s always been a ‘there’ that I want to get to. I linked a letter I wrote to myself last year about where I want to get to (10th April 2018). I think my goals are worthwhile, doable and possible. Yet, they’re not the only ‘there’ that there is. There’s also the ‘there’ of just living. The there of being. I’m not actually giving myself enough credit. It’s hard, yes. It’s dark, yes. I’m struggling with self harm and messing up in ways I haven’t for a year. Yet, I’m here. I’m not about to end my life – which used to be my go to. I’m not about to use. I’ll probably still struggle with using. Maybe even as much as I was on Wednesday. Yet, I’m not using. I’m not giving myself enough credit for reaching out. S came over on Wednesday and threw away what I’d prepared (and borrowed all I have which she now returned). M came over last night and spoke me down for 45 minutes. Yeah, it’s hard. But I’m okay. I’m doing it. My GP has done what I asked him to do – put in a request for a therapist to do DBT. I’ve emailed a whole bunch of therapists I found and I’m waiting for them to get back to me. I gave a workmate the details for a mindfulness course that I plan on joining and doing with her. It’s a course I did that was really good. I’ve found out about a journey workshop that I’m thinking of going to – if I think it’ll be good for me to I’ll do it. I’m not giving myself credit for doing my part because I’m blaming myself for how hard it is. I can’t see that I’m doing my part for I think it’s my fault that I’m struggling. I think that if only I’d gotten myself help earlier it wouldn’t be so hard. I’m taking responsibility for others. AH ended therapy. He was my therapist for a year. I saw a psychiatrist privately who wasn’t interested in working with me, and who I wouldn’t have seen again because he never listened to what I had to say. I began therapy with someone else who ended it because I’d been upset with her. I emailed a therapist I’d spoken to asking for an appointment and she didn’t respond. Whatever I’ve done doesn’t feel like enough for I’m still struggling today. I blame myself for it all, which, actually is senseless. Therapy ended with AH. I definitely played a major part. Yet, it’s not my fault. Whatever my part in ending it was, was my issues playing out, and he had handled it until then. If he couldn’t work with me being me, ultimately, although I can learn a lot from what happened, it was his responsibility as the therapist. This psychiatrist I saw? I payed just under £300. He was a waste of time. He wrote a letter that was nonsense. It’s not as though he even offered me to come back to him for he didn’t, he told me to go through the NHS. The therapist I began seeing privately who offered touch. I found out it wasn’t necessarily crossing boundaries. When I spoke to her she didn’t ask me whether I wanted to continue with her. She said she can’t ‘as she wasn’t attuned to me’. I realise now that it was an excuse. She could’ve continued if she wanted to. She didn’t want to. In the same sentence she told me she could give me some other names of therapists, and continued that she’s sure I don’t need her to give me names as I’m perfectly capable of looking it up, and wished me luck. She wasn’t interested in working with me. The therapist I emailed asking for an appointment? I also blame myself. Because it was a second email. Yet she could have replied. She could have said yes. Or no. I’m blaming myself because I feel guilty. I feel guilty for everything. But it’s not my ‘fault’. It’s not my responsibility. I’m sure I have a part to play in everything that happens. I’m sure I can learn from it all. Yet even if just through energy I’m bringing what I don’t want, I can’t take responsibility.

So, I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I don’t know what tonight will bring. At the moment I feel okay. I don’t trust what I feel for I felt okay yesterday too, and if I read my stuff, well let’s just say I don’t want to read what I wrote. I felt okay on Wednesday too. Wednesday I prepared cocodamol to use. Last night I played with self harm and was annoyed that it didn’t hurt. I don’t trust what I feel. And, that’s okay too. I don’t know what will be. I do know that just as I’ve done it before I can do it from now. I do know that I’m not using. I’m not destroying myself. I’m journaling. I’m trying. The mountain isn’t always easy to climb. And sometimes, maybe, falling down is part of the journey. Tripping up is part of the journey. There is never only day. There are nights. There are storms. And just as the mountain stays there through it all, so can I. So can I.

Another rambling post. I wonder how much of this will actually stay with me and how much it’ll just wash off. And either way, it’s okay. whether I think this way just for this moment, or if for always. Coz I can always think this way again. If not now, another day.

I hope there are no horrendous spelling mistakes because I’m not rereading this.

Love, light and glitter

And so the journey begins – or continues…

I’m creating this as another blog site. I wonder if it’s a good idea or not. I wonder if I’m crazy. I wonder if I’ll regret it. The past week so much has been going through my mind. I’ve been struggling a lot and a lot has happened – in my head – and I’ve been wanting some place to put it all down. Every time I ramble on my site – https://elizareasonstolive.com I feel guilty. For the site is meant to be about reasons. Were it posts about life, that are reasons to live, even if indirectly so, I wouldn’t feel as guilty. But writing about the struggle not to use cocodamol? Or writing about the therapist I saw a few times who offered touch and when I freaked about it told me she couldn’t work with me as she wasn’t attuned to me – without waiting to hear that I actually appreciated the offer, I just waited to find out that it wasn’t crossing boundaries (which it wasn’t). About the journey to find a therapist. About what I want from life (to know what’s going on in my world!). I honestly feel like I’ll be boring anyone who reads this to death. Yet I want to do this. I want a space to write. I want a space to be. I want to find a space that maybe I’ll feel just a tad less alone. I wonder if this will help. I wonder if this blog will come to life or not. I wish I could write more on my site. I wish I could think of more reasons to live. I want to. I really want to. At the moment when every moment is a struggle I can’t. It’s not even such a struggle, for there’s just such distance – between me and the world, between me and myself. When I try dialogue journaling which often helps, I just meet the nothingness, the real ‘nothing’ that there’s nothing there at the moment. I know it’s both positive and negative. I never edit what I write. It’s also just freeflow. I plan on continuing that here. Maybe here I’ll feel okay to do the quote challenges and things that I like and often see.

Anyways, this post is meant to be an introduction to this site. I wasn’t sure what to title it. Journey through life. Journey to life. So I did both. The tagline of my other site is ‘journey from suicidality’. I thought it apropos to call this ‘journey to life’. It IS about that. About my journey to life. I’m not about to end my life. I don’t want to be here. I want to get to a place where it’s about living. About loving life. For as my tagline goes, well one of my taglines ;), so long as there’s life, there’s hope.

I’d really love your support and guidance here. If you ever have any, thanks in advance…

Love, light and glitter

Eliza