I hate the superiority complex I have.

I learnt something about myself in the last few days that I absolutely hate. I’m trying to never say I hate myself. I abhor this trait I have. I detest what I learnt about myself. It goes against all my values and beliefs.

Something about myself is that I love everyone. That I care for everyone. Almost everyone. There are a few people who bug me. Everyone except them.

I can’t stand what I’ve learnt. I’m not elitist. I’m really not. Yet. I am.

I don’t have patience for stupid people.

There. I said it.

I was talking to someone and getting frustrated at their stupid question. Now, I always thought that this particular frustration was defense. The feeling of not being heard. When someone questions what I have said. When someone questions the obvious- what I have said. I feel like they haven’t listened to me. And because I have never been listened to I get defensive and therefore frustrated.

Um. I wish that were so.

This person was asking on what I had just said. And I got so annoyed. Die to another conversation about how intellectual different people are I realised this about myself. Because it’s often annoying for me to talk to 2 other people. They ask such stupid questions and I don’t have the patience for it.

The reason it’s so antithetical to me is I’ve a friend who is learning disabled. I work in the SEN department. I work primarily with children who struggle. Me? Elitist? I hate what I’ve seen.

Since I’m aware of it I notice it in conversations with said person faster. I’ve been explaining to said person how to query what they want to know rather than react the way they are which suggests disbelief. I’ve been catching myself getting frustrated with said person and changing caps – instead of trying to hold a normal conversation, changing gears to explain and break it down. I’m definitely getting less annoyed with said person. I’ve always known they were intellectually stupid.

I don’t see them being intellectually lacking as negative. They’re extremely perceptive and insightful and have taught me a LOT through some of their insights. I don’t necessarily agree with all they say but they’ve definitely shown me another side to some situations that I never would have thought of.

I think sometimes the way they ask is insulting and jarring. And because they don’t know what they don’t understand they are asking the same thing quite literally 5 times over (sometimes 10).

I hate that I’m not naturally okay with it. It goes against all my values and beliefs. I guess it’s good I learnt it about myself now so that I can change it. I seriously abhor and detest the knowledge. Trying to take back the automatic I hate myself for this.

So I’ve learnt I’m I don’t know the word. Is it bigoted? Elitist? I don’t know what it is. And just Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Ramble 36895.

Today is a new day. Exhausted. I’m finding work really long…. I’m enjoying some of what I do, not all. I think if I ever feel like I’m getting somewhere with one of my groups then I’ll be happy. I just find them draining because it drags and I feel like I’m getting absolutely nowhere. The next are fine – rambunctious, exhausting, they’re learning! The next and last have finally caught up to standard – they’re up to where they supposedly were at the beginning of the year, the last months have just been review. Now they can begin learning something new. Interesting for me to see what they’re better at and where their strengths and weaknesses lie, because finally getting somewhere. And my morning I like though it may be changing again. At the moment I teach science and language. Science is a lot of learning myself because I can’t teach it until I fully understand it myself. Which when I grasp it I actually enjoy. So I now know about forces, measuring speed and moments. I know about metals. I know what I never did know. Or if I did I long forgot. I actually didn’t do well in physics in school. I love learning. I love knowledge. My timetable may change yet again though and we will see what is.

Not been sleeping as well. Do you think it is that I havent been messing up? I haven’t self harmed – I was going to erase that and change to burned but truth is that it is self harm regardless if I want to accept it as such – in 3 entire says. Maybe only 2.5. Or used. And it’s major. It’s, it’s that I need to burn, and it’s not what I want for my life. And the not wanting it for my life overrides the need. Which until now it was the opposite. The need was more than the ‘I don’t want this for my life’s. So for now I haven’t and we will find out what is. And I’m kinda proud/appreciate it. Just don’t want to make it into a bigger deal than it is.

My arm is a lot better. Keeping it protected and trying not to pick all the scabs. I’m wondering if picking will cause worse scarring and if I’m lucky most won’t scar.

I really don’t want or like the scars. I thought I could buy a krav maga t shirt I want and add on some coloured sleeves. People at the class bought themselves krav maga tshirts and I think it’s pretty cool and would love one. I won’t wear it short sleeved especially not now when the scars are all new, it’s not a statement of where I’ve been which I’m more okay making publicly, more where I’m at. Asides that it would probably be repellent to people. A good way of dealing with the anxiety of being at the class – keep people away from me. Anyways, so I was thinking about how to get a tshirt and can add sleeves, either like a blue to the black – they are black – or 2 different colours, each sleeve a different colour. I could make the sleeves until the elbow, though that would look weird, as there is a bit of sleeves, so maybe 3/4 length. I should just but one for myself! Can get bigger and tie in a knot at the bottom – what a lot of people there were doing, or smaller and more fitted. Okay, I’ve now decided to buy it.

I spoke on the phone to a friend for an hour. Was interesting coz I was literally about to write her a card, had the card in front of me, just had to get a pen, and she called.

I wonder what I’ll do next week krav maga without my friend. I want to go. I really want to go. I’m not sure how to hear myself up to it. I wish there were someone going I can ask for a lift there so that I’d have it arranged and just go. I never really knew that I lived with anxiety, although I always knew, well for the last few years, that I’ve social anxiety I never knew it affected my life. I guess coz for the most part it doesn’t since for the most part I never ever out of what is safe for me. And occasionally I really push myself, and occasionally however much I want something I just can’t do it. It’s funny for there are some things that others don’t like doing that I just have no issue with. It’s why I wouldn’t necessarily diagnose myself with social anxiety for it doesn’t always have an effect on my life.

I actually arranged to go to have a lesson with someone tomorrow. If I keep to it. It’s meant to be something fun for us both, and if we can keep it up maybe I’ll get a new friend – the friends for fun kinda friend, which will be good, not to be too intense.

I need a dermatology appointment and I called then up and they said I missed an appointment and have been discharged. I didn’t get any letter and was calling to follow up. They gave me a number to call tomorrow and I’m hoping and praying that I get one and don’t have to go through a referral again for that would take months on end. This appointment that I hadn’t known about was 6 months after the referral.. and it really has to be sorted out… the one good thing is that I didn’t know about it for I don’t know if I could have gone, dunno if there would have been a way for them not to see my arms.

And I should get into pjs instead of lying in bed not in pjs. I hope to get some sleep tonight. The last few nights have been really restless. although, I turned off my phone before going to sleep and didn’t turn it on even when up for seemingly hours!

Every day is a new day. I’m kinda beginning to look forward to what could and will be. Some point in time I have to make a plan, but that’s when I have enough headspace. And time! Its busy here with good things that are just taking time. It’ll be busier as time moves on and then slower and then busier as different seasons come and go. Ebb and flow.

I wonder how disjointed this all is. Or if it all flows. Sometimes it’d be good if I reread what I wrote.

I’m grateful I have this space. To journal. To be. I don’t give it to myself at the moment so I’m really grateful I can and am here.

I’m feeling a bit bad that I haven’t been following others blogs at the moment. And, just saying that I do care. That I think about you. That I wish I were fully following. And that when I can I will be. When I can just be. Which, it seems more and more doable, and if it continues this way, it will be doable, coz I’ll actually be there.

Some day I’m going to have to deal with what triggered or lies behind the past couple of months I don’t know what does and I’m not sure if I want to know. One day I do want to for unless I deal with it, it’ll stay there and rule my life. But that isn’t today. So I don’t need to worry about it now. And, yeah. Thanks for listening :).

Love, light and glitter

💕🕯🌠

Random ramblings 89. Part 2 (teaching)

The number 89 is arbitrary. Just the number I chose on. I always title my random ramblings with numbers. Like 27615, 289201, 58217. I could find them all, but…. ya know.

Change. Life is full of change. And I’m seeing the change. I’m seeing the positive. Yet. Yet. Yet. I guess this is why I thought the first post would be negative. It’s not the negativity. It’s the, the everything?

I’m doing what I’m meant to be doing. I’ve started a pilates class which I’ll either be continuing or I won’t. It depends on the people doing the class, they seem to be uninterested in continuing, but it’s a group I really like, so if they do it, I’ll do it. I hope they do! I’ve joined a krav maga introductory class. I’m really loving it! I know I’ve only been to 2 classes, and there are only 2 more. I’m hoping there are more after this. I really like the instructor. I definitely find it hard to envision people and the need for it. Especially because I really believe that most people are good and that there most likely won’t be a need for it. But it’s fun. I’m looking forward to the next classes. I’m studying for a level 5 course. Supposedly doing assignments – although I’m not really doing it very much. Hopefully it’ll be done by the end of the year. And I’m working. I feel like I’m failing my students. Realistically speaking I can see that they have learned since the beginning of the year. I just see where I want them to be. Where they need to get to. How far they are from there. And I wonder if they’ll do better with another teacher. I know that for some of them what I teach is invaluable. Nearly half the lesson every day with one group is spent on discussing the feelings that is going on. How do we talk. The frustration. This group are finally settling down to learn though. I know that we do is worth it. They just aren’t where they’re meant to be. They’re not progressing as much as they can. And it is my fault. I need to be preparing more than I am. Find more games. It’s not true. I’m blaming myself for what isn’t my fault. With some of my other groups they’re learning, but what we’re learning is all what they are meant to have learned a year ago. I wonder if the way I’m teaching them is right. If really I should just go forward and let them pick it up on the way. And I know that they’re getting the grounding they need to. I know that all the students I teach, when they leave, they really know what they’ve been taught. They can use and apply whatever they’ve learned. I know it logically. Seeing it day to day, seeing how I’m going over the same things again, and again, and again, is tough. Though today I got a love letter from one of my students that I haven’t yet read. I guess it tells me I’m doing something right even if I find it hard to see. There is only one group of students who have learned, and/but they’re bright so there is nothing I’ve done for it.

My plan of action for group 1 is to first of all continue forward. Everything we learn new is going to take forever, so even though they’re not fully confident on what we’ve learned so far, go forward and keep going backwards too. Find worksheets, games and activities on what we’ve learned.

My plan of action for group 2 is easy. They’re bright and even though some of them take time to grasp new material, they learn, and they know. Keep on :).

Group 3, again create games and activities. Also go backwards. Bring to school what I bought for them and do the rainbow arc with them every day.

Group 4, again games and activities, on a higher level then the prior group.

Teaching anyone? I’ll look up some activities and resources now, and then maybe I’ll continue to a part 3, or I won’t. We’ll see.

If anyone teaches reading to anyone, and has ideas or strategies for teaching I’d love to hear.

Love, light and glitter