I’m thinking, in theory, maybe, perhaps – the theoretically, potentially, possibly, perhaps, kinda maybe – to ask my friend to throw away the cocodamol I have in my draw when I’m away. It’s just a thought. It would probably be good for me not to have 1k++ in my draw. If only I’d have that in money!!! It’s something I’m thinking about. I saw randomly, I can’t recall where, that I’d given myself a deadline I wanted to do it by. I’ve passed that deadline. I told L I would (I’m thinking about it!!) and haven’t yet.
It always gave me security. Knowing I can fall back on it. Do I want to know I can fall back on it? I needed to know I could in the past. Do I need to know? Do I want that to be my security blanket???
So, I’m thinking. Actually not consciously thinking about it. I know that if I want to I’ll have to just do it. Just jump, and trust that I’ll fly.
I’m grateful for a whole lot of people. I’m grateful to know that some people I work with are interested in me. I’m grateful for building – slowly- a friendship with someone, the kind that won’t be deep or intense and just fun. I’m grateful for the connection I’ve started building with a source. I’m grateful that I can connect to people. That what used to be unsafe and impossible can exist.
Gratitude challenge Day 8: Send flowers – or something nice – to someone you care about.
Hmm, what counts? I have a keyring for someone, and actually, I baked and gave someone cookies today. Forgot about that. It’d be nice if I made something to give to someone. Maybe more cookies…
My arm is really hurting. I think the blister peeled, it wasn’t intentional, I’m not sure how it happened, and it’s just hurting. There isn’t anything I can do about it, or that I even want to do. It’s just a constant awareness of my arm.
I’ve been burning a little less. Sleeping more. I’m so grateful for sleep. Who knew how grateful one had to be for sleep? I’m so grateful for I’ve been falling asleep at night, for the past week. I’ve actually been able to go to sleep. And the not being able to go to sleep is what has kept me up more than anything else. So I’m grateful, that I have been able to sleep.
I took pictures of the hot chocolate fudge cake I made today so that I can post the recipe for TA, who I’ve told I’ll do it for.
I need to order shoes that I put in a basket, I know I want the shoes, I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. Maybe coz’ they’re expensive. I should just order them already.
My hand – it’s my arm really – is hurting.
I’ve been needing to burn a little less. It’s not as constant and, it’s not the only thing in my world. A month ago, that’s all there was. Today, that isn’t all there is. There’s work – I’m present at work. I’m enjoying, mostly, what I’m teaching. I enjoy my morning job, I don’t enjoy the afternoon as much. I’m loving learning – I have to learn the material and really know it to be able to teach it.
I wonder if my arm will stop throbbing me?
2020. Why’m I suddenly moving on to here? I have a lot of plans for the year. I’ve been trying to get through to my GP and it’s a little impossible to do so. I’m not sure why I’m even trying to for it’s not like I’ll get through. Yesterday my friend said to me that when she told someone what I’d taken the person said it couldn’t be for I wouldn’t have been talking to her then. I laughed. Because this is a couple of weeks ago before I went away (and I was up all night, and then throwing up nothing for a few hours, but later on), because, I’ve taken a lot more than that before. And whoever had said that to her obviously didn’t know what they were talking about. I took that and more for over a month – daily. Gradually upping the amount. It was never enough. I don’t want to use. I actually occasionally think about it. Taking more than just then. I don’t want to more than I do want to. I want to live in this world and be present more than that.
I was listening to a class by R’ Yitzchak Berkowitz. He was talking about ‘souls’. I was planning on writing an entire blog post on this. There are 3 parts to the soul, or 3 different souls. Whatever you want to call it. There’s the part of you that is made up of the DNA and is alive. Is conscious and aware and living – the part that animals live with. There’s the part of you that is pure spirit – the energy and consciousness that is a part of the energy and consciousness of the spirit of the universe, that is completely if you want to use the word spiritual, or part of the world, or part of the source of the world, however you describe it. And there is the ‘ruach’ the part of you that combines the 2. Where free will lies. Animals follow the rules of behaviourism. People don’t. Because people are made up of both parts and it’s the ‘ruach’, what is called the spirit of the person that joins/combines/connects the two, and makes choices drawing on both parts.
I’m not sure what I wanted to write about that , I had a whole lot to say.
This week has been good. Back to work. I tried calling up the IAPT service and left a message, about doing a mindfulness course. I’ve done one once upon a time and would love to do another. I really should call up someone I’m thinking of and ask him for advice. But I’m not. Not yet.
I miss one of my friends. I haven’t spoken to her in ages. I’ll be seeing her on Sunday and I wonder if we’ll get to speak. I miss her. We used to have a lot to do with each other because of work. Now that we don’t work together we don’t see one another. She doesn’t need anything from me.
I was talking to a friend the other day. About life. About how it’s not all or nothing. There is no end destination. I felt like I was sharing with her all that I’ve had to learn these past few weeks. That there’s no end destination. That it’s about the journey. That she can set an intention for what she’d like to be and the awareness of it will help it to happen. That putting something out there allows it to come to you. She wanted to know if I believed in ‘that kinda stuff’ and I explained to her that I did, and why. For there has to be an infinity/source, and our existence, the existence of this universe has to be a part of that infinity/source, therefore we’re all connected, the entire universe boils down to energy and we’re all part of that energy. So putting out energy, or allowing ourselves to receive energy, does bring it to you. I know that I’ve worked through so much of what I know just through osmosis. Just by living and being. That my understanding of the universe isn’t necessarily based on the texts I’ve read or classes I’ve listened to. That by setting my intention that I’m ready to learn, to know, and grow, it’s happened. I know that last year I said my goal for the year was to be responsible for myself. To own my choices. To take responsibility. I know that I’m doing that. Nowhere near as much as I should – there are things I want to do in order to take care of myself and don’t have the energy or headspace to even though I know I should. In many ways I’m taking care of myself more than I used to. And it’s not all a choice. It’s an attitude shift by deciding I want it to be that way. It’s coming to me by being ready for it. And I’m learning that it’s a journey. That there is no end destination. Everything is so disconnected. I guess that’s why this is a ramble and not a specific point. I can sometimes stay on point.
Krav maga classes are starting again! I’m really looking forward to it. I’ll probably be paying for my friend to come with me. She doesn’t have the money for it. Neither do I if I’m honest but I’m looking at it as the class is double the price. The last of the introductory sessions she couldn’t come. And, I just couldn’t go. I couldn’t go alone however much I wanted to. I just couldn’t face it – and I like the instructor and the people who were doing it. Therefore, if I want to go – and I do. It’s good for me to go out. It’s good for me to learn new things. It’s good for me to exercise. If I want to go, it’s worth it for me to pay for us both. I’ll have to ask her if she’s okay with me mentioning it to the instructor, for the instructor may either subsidise the cost or say she doesn’t have to pay (which will mean I don’t have to). There may be another free exercise class which will be cool for us to go to. One day I want to be able to go alone. If it’s a set group of a few people and it’s prearranged that I’m going I’d be okay going alone, but it’s not like that. I’m not sure what it’s about (yeah, I know it’s social anxiety) but it’s definitely not something I’m working on but I’m working around it, instead. Social anxiety doesn’t usually run my life. There are some things I don’t do because of it. And there are things I push myself to do in spite of it – if I want it enough, or just because I’m scared, or if it’s important enough. And there are the things I miss out on because of it. Though this is the only example recently. The other time was a few months ago when I didn’t go to an evening I half wanted to go to.
Anyways, I’m not sure why I’m rambling anymore, or that it’s even saying anything…
My arm is hurting still and I’m not sure what to do about it – as in I’ve put on savlon and protected it, and not sure there is anything else that I can do.
My internet has just cut down so finishing writing this on my phone. Which means no linking posts and comments may not work.
On to other news, I just paid £100 on some skin care products – wash, toner and serum. Matis. One hundred pounds!!!!! Included in the price is high frequency for a couple of minutes once a week. I’m not sure if it will do anything for my skin, but it can’t harm to try. Honestly, I think you can get cheaper facial products that are as good, but I want the high frequency and the beautician selling it does them both together. It can’t harm me to use the stuff twice a day, and I’m really hoping to get rid of the redness and scarring. I know it probably won’t get rid of the acne, for it’s not treating the cause, but it’s a gamble or investment. I wasn’t going to do it for it’s so much money, then realised that I’m worth the risk. Even if it’s a 5th of my monthly wage. Rambling way too much.
I’m grateful for this space. This space to journal. This space to be. The people who are so nice, and supportive, and real and genuine. I haven’t been following most blogs. I have more headspace. My mindset is okay. Way more okay. I’m in a more okay space. And I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful for the sunshine. For the moments of beauty. Someone commented something on SF that I thought was really good. That in dark tines we discount the beauty as irrelevant or not real when we should be celebrating each moment of light and expanding on it. It reminded me of my reasons to live site and the purpose of it. To make the beauty and positivity the central aspect. It’s not always so easy or possible, but noticing the good, trying to, when you can’t, has and will have a cumulative effect.
And I thought I was rambling before… I guess it’s okay as most people wont be reading this. Thank you to you 🙂 (who is/did)
I was in the airport and got a free drink. Yet again :). I’ll share the first story another time. This time it was very providential. I had bought myself a water, and wanted to buy another but the price of the waters in the machines was double what I had paid when I first came through security. I didn’t want to pay so much money for a bottle of water when I felt it should be cheaper, and I didn’t have the coins on me, so decided to manage without it.
I was sitting by the gate when someone approached me and asked me ‘Do you want a bottle of water?’. I was a bit surprised and shocked, and asked her to repeat herself. She asked me again if I wanted a bottle of water. I told her sure, I’d love it. She told me her story, she somehow had gotten 2 bottles of water from the machine and hadn’t had to pay for it, and she only needed one bottle, so was offering it to me.
Was I the first person she passed? I don’t know. I do know that I was really happy to get a bottle of water.
There was a lot I was thinking afterwards. Just the day before my sisters and I were discussing acts of kindness that people do, and I was saying that people do acts of kindness all the time. I started telling them all my stories, the random acts of kindness’s that people have done for me. They asked me how come I seemed to have this happening to me all the time? Like someone paying my parking ticket, someone buying me a drink (this story is the second drink I’ve gotten), people getting out of their cars to direct me in parking, or as in the last FAK parking for me, taxi’s taking me to places. And I responded that people are just nice! One of my sisters suggested that maybe it was god/a source of the world showing me that he/she/it is with me. Maybe :). I thought of that now. How I wanted a bottle of water and wasn’t going to buy it for myself for I didn’t really and truly need it (as I had bought one and although I wanted two, I didn’t need two) so wasn’t going to buy it, and along came a really sweet women with her husband and offered me a bottle of water…
What acts of kindness have others done for you? What acts of kindness can you do for someone else? What acts of kindness have you heard about or seen in the news recently? I’d love to hear, either here, or join in and post it on your own blog, and share it here.
I loved this post. Really my thoughts on this deserves a post on its own, but….
What is this world? What is religion? What is god? I don’t use the term ‘god’ much for it has a lot of religious associations to me, so I don’t see it as the reality it is, but rather think of ‘god’ as a being I can’t stand. Yet, what is this ‘god’? To me, the way I view it, is that the world was created with the big bang. The energy that existed previously – to be the force of this energy and the big bang – exists in the entire world. The entire world is energy, is consciousness. That is what ‘god’ is to me. The source. The energy that exists and runs the world, that is the source of the world, that gives life to the world – is the life of the world, of us, of everything, and is all, just, just is. It all is. This is something Ashok wrote down really clearly.
Therefore, we’re all one. Religions come along and say, this source of the world is something that someone was able to tune into enough to receive prophecy, or connect enough, and knows what this source wants of us. Because we want to connect to the source.
All of that is good. It’s good so long as it’s about love and light and joy and connection. It turns its back on itself when it’s used against people. When it turns to preaching.
Love. Light. Glitter. That’s what this post was about. About tuning into the beauty of a source of a world. Love. Light. And glitter.
Keep sparkling. Keep believing – in yourself, in your beauty, in the beauty of the world around you, in reality, in your reasons to live, to be, because you just are, and because you’re awesome just coz’ you are, and coz’ just by existing you’re an expression of the source of the world, of the energy that is, of the what I’d like to believe is love and light.
I was journaling and came on here to write this post. I’m grateful for this, because when I journal I just write whatever comes to mind, and see what it says. When I write on here it’s more focused. Just the way I am.
Judaism. What I think.
I don’t know what I believe about Judaism. As in whether I believe it’s true or not. It’s something I’m finally ready to work through. I know I wrote about it in a lot more detail when I was wondering whether to work it through or not. By now I know that yes. I was wondering whether to work through what I believe since I know that the choices knowing what I believe will lead me to could really hurt others. In the past I would’ve thought that if that’s my choice, to live without religion, I’d kill myself first. In order not to hurt those people. By now I know different. By now I also know, however hard it is to implement, that my life is mine to live. That I get to choose. Actually, my goal for this year was exactly that. To choose. To take responsibility for my life.
Judaism. Before I wanted to work through whether Judaism is true or not I had to know what I thought about the world and god. Do I believe in a god? Judaism can only be true if a, there is a god/higher power/source (it makes no difference what word is used there) and b, if the world is created. I didn’t know what I’d decide. It’s not so much about deciding, as coming to know.
I believe the world is created. In a nutshell I believe so because this physical world has been proved to be finite – starting with the big bang and ever-expanding (the question there would be does it collapse and start again and collapse in a never ending cycle, which has been shown otherwise since there’s not enough matter). If the world is finite there must be infinity somewhere. For finite cannot exist on its own, has to have started from something.
I personally call this infinity exactly that ‘infinity’ or the infinite. Sometimes god. Sometimes source. It makes no difference to me what I call it for the words themselves don’t hold any connotations to me (however the word ‘hashem’ the jewish word for god translating into ‘the name’ holds plenty of connotations to me, and is definitely not something I’d use – at the moment?, in the way that ‘god’ would for most people).
If this infinity exists, then everything finite has to be an expression of the infinite. The question then is how bad exists – does that mean the infinite is bad? My understanding of that is that it exists through limit. The same way the world exists. There has to be limit. Limit which allows darkness. Limit which allows evil. I haven’t worked through though what I believe about this infinite power. Rather, I have. I know logically what I believe. I haven’t worked it through emotionally. I’m not about to at the moment. Since what I believe is a direct translation of my view of being here. That this infinite power is selfish to have created the world. The creation of the world has to be in order to give. Because an infinite being can’t need anything. Can’t lack anything. Creation has to be about giving. Giving in my eyes is selfish. The same way someone who has a child is selfish in my eyes. I’m only going to work through whether I think it was a selfless or selfish act when I can honestly say I’m so glad I’m here.
So I believe there’s an infinity. I believe therefore that the world is created. How does Judaism fit into this? I have a view on Judaism although I don’t know if it’s true or not. I have a view on Judaism although I haven’t worked through whether it can be true.
My view on Judaism, on what the torah says to do or not to do, is that this is all an expression of the infinite. Any finite being is going to want to connect to its source. If Judaism is true than the torah is saying: This is truth – this is reality – this is what makes you like the infinite. Be infinite like. Be god like. Do this by acting in ways that are reality. Because like everything in the world has traits. By defining the infinite we’ll have traits. Doing, or not doing, anything is about connection. About being like the infinite and connecting. Making yourself infinite like will make you more a part of the infinite.
My understanding then of what they say is hell or heaven – if there is an afterlife – is the same. That you’ve connected or disconnected as much as you did, and you’re living seeing how connected or disconnected you are. You’ll experience as much connection or disconnection as you created.
My view on Judaism is that it’s about love. And connection. I know not everyone acts with that. It’s what I know.
I want to connect to this infinity regardless if judaism, or any religion, is true or not. I want truth. I want knowledge. I don’t know whether Judaism is true or not. I wonder what I’ll find out.
I’m hoping to go to a day seminar on Judaism. Where principles of judaism are explored and argued about. I don’t know what it’ll be like. I wonder. I wonder if I’ll spend the day and say afterwards ‘this is all a bunch of lies’. I wonder if I’ll spend the day and say ‘this makes logical sense’. I wonder if I’ll spend the day and come out with anything. I don’t know if it’ll help me to work through whether Judaism is or isn’t true. I wonder. I’ll see then what happens.
I really want to know whether the torah was giving to the jews on mount sinai or not. It actually doesn’t mean that it’ll translate into my life. Because even if it’s true, I get to choose. I get to choose whether I act upon what I know or not. Well, to an extent I get to choose :). I’d rather find out that it’s true then that it’s a bunch of lies. Because I don’t want to hurt people. That’s the reason I waited until now to work it through. The main reason it doesn’t mean it’ll translate into anything is because following for lack of a better word Judaism is about a few different things. The primary is ‘is it true’. After that there’s a lot more. Such as ‘Do I care about what an infinity/god said is truth? Do I care to follow what this infinity said?’ Such as working through my view of Judaism. I’ve a logical understanding of what it would be about. And an emotional connection, or an emotional involvement that isn’t as healthy. It’d be about disconnecting what I know to be reality from all those who aren’t reality, who propagate an agenda without knowing what/why. Who live with falsehoods. There’d be a heck of a lot of separating to do. Before I’d really live with it. Actually, I don’t know. I don’t know what I’ll think if I decide it’s true. And I don’t need to know. For I’ll handle it then. I’ll deal with whatever it is then.
I believe Judaism is meant to be about love, and connection. I don’t know whether I will or won’t believe in Judaism once I’ve worked it through. I guess I’ll find that out. I’m actually really looking forward to coming to the end. I know, I know, it won’t take me a couple of days. It took me over a year to work through what I believe about the world. It took me as long to work through what I think about god enough that I actually am okay with working through what I believe because I had to work through my relationship enough to want to know what an infinity has to say – if the infinity has given any message over. I believe that the entire world is a message. Is a map of the infinite. That everything can be studied to learn what infinity is about. I’m looking forward to knowing what I know. I’m looking forward to knowing. To being able to make choices based on that knowledge. There are things now that I’m just not choosing. There are things I’m not doing. Because first, I need to know. I don’t want to do something and regret it later. I don’t want to make life choices now and regret them further along the line. So I’m not making those choices. Those choices I really want to have. I’m looking forward. To this seminar. To working through what I believe. To knowing. To seeing what life can be.
This post feels so disconnected to me, it’s like, so external and I don’t feel like it really expresses any of what I mean.