E

I love you.

I don’t know how to take your pain away. And I guess I don’t need to take your pain away. You’re allowed to hurt. You’re allowed to exist. You’re allowed to be. I know you can’t hear me. I know you don’t believe me. I’ll keep telling you until you know it. You are allowed to exist. You have a right to exist. To feel. To think. To be.

I love you E. I love you through all the ups and all the downs.
I love you as you question yourself.
I love you as you know you’re defective.
I love you with all the unworthiness you feel.
I love you with the guilt.
I love you with the shame.
I love you. Just because you are.
Every moment of every day I love you.
And every moment of every day I will love you
I will love you as you destroy yourself.
I will love you as you self sabotage.
I will love you as you shatter pieces.
I will love you as you rebuild.
I will love you as you learn to feel.
I will love you as you learn to accept.
I will love you as you learn to trust.
I will love you through the good.
I will love you through the bad.
I will love you through the negative.
I will love you through the positive.

It will hurt E. It does hurt. Living hurts. Being hurts. And there is nothing I can do to take away the pain. I can, and will, always be with you. I’ll stay with you. I’ll hold your hand. I’ll be with you as you do your best to push me away. You won’t be able to get rid of me for I’m you. Unless you kill yourself that is. And even though you don’t believe it, you are worth more than death.

You will get there E. I promise you that. You will get there. I don’t know why it hurts so much when you’re not eating and you’re using cocodamol (which should stop it hurting). I guess you’re beginning to feel. Which is a good thing. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it. I love you E. And I’m with you.

I don’t know who to tell you to trust. For I don’t know who is trustworthy. But, trust yourself. For you have all the answers.

You are beautiful.
You are worth it.
You are enough.
You don’t have to do anything to deserve existence.
You don’t have to do anything to be good enough.
You just are. And you are enough just as you.

I’m with you.

Always and forever

E